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  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED THE

  • DEBATE EARLIER TONIGHT HERE ON

  • ABC AND FORGOT TO TURN THE

  • TELEVISION OFF, THANK YOU FOR

  • JOINING US.

  • YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE WATCHED THE

  • THIRD DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS

  • TIME FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS.

  • IT WAS EXCITING, YOU KNOW, WATCH

  • BEING THE CANDIDATE THE TACKLE

  • ISSUES IS AS CLOSE AS WE GET TO

  • FOOTBALL.

  • THEY ALL TRIED TO STAND OUT AND

  • AVOID BEING ELIMINATED UNDER

  • EXTREME TIME PRESSURE IN A

  • TELEVISED EVENT.

  • NOW LET'S PUT 45 SECONDS ON THE

  • CLOCK AND GO.

  • THIS WAS A LARGE CAST OF

  • CHARACTERS.

  • TO HELP VIEWER KEEP TRACK OF WHO

  • WAS WHO, ABC DID SOMETHING

  • SPECIAL.

  • THE ELECTION IS QUICKLY

  • APPROACHING

  • AND WE'VE GOT DECISIONS TO

  • MAKE

  • WITH SO MANY PEOPLE TO CHOOSE

  • FROM

  • WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE A

  • MISTAKE

  • WE CAN ONLY SEND ONE TO THE

  • WHITE HOUSE

  • AND THE OTHERS WILL HAVE TO GO

  • HOME

  • DEMS THE BREAKS

  • YEAH, DEMS THE BREAKS

  • WHOEVER GOES HOME WILL SAY

  • DEMS THE BREAKS

  • [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

  • >> Jimmy: I WOULDN'T WATCH THAT

  • SHOW.

  • IT IS WEIRD THAT THEY PUT TEN

  • CANDIDATES ON THE STAGE.

  • HERE'S HOW, I'D PUT THE FOUR

  • FRONT RUNNERS AT THE CENTER OF

  • THE STAGE AND LET THE OTHER SIX

  • DANGLE OFF THE STAGE BY THEIR

  • FINGERTIPS.

  • MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS UP WAY

  • PAST HIS BEDTIME.

  • HE ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE

  • DEBATE.

  • YOU CAN SEE HE GOT STUCK IN THE

  • CLAW MACHINE AT THE DAVE AND

  • BUSTERS AT THE BAY BROOK MALL,

  • BUT HIS MOTHER WAS ABLE TO FISH

  • HIM OUT.

  • THE MODERATORS TONIGHT WERE

  • GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, DAVID

  • MUIR AND JORGE RAMOS.

  • THEY HIT THE CANDIDATES WITH ALL

  • THE TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, IF

  • ELECTED, HOW DO WE KNOW YOU

  • WON'T LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL

  • THE TIME AND DRAW ON WEATHER

  • MAPS WITH A SHARPIE, AND THEY

  • ANSWERED THOSE QUESTIONS WELL.

  • YOU CAN BET ON THE EVENTS OF THE

  • DEBATE.

  • THESE ARE ARE WWHAT THEY CALL P

  • BETS.

  • CAN YOU BET, WILL JOE BIDEN HAVE

  • A GAFFE THAT TRENDS ON TWITTER.

  • YOU BET $100, YOU GET $200 IF IT

  • WAS YES.

  • $300 FOR NO.

  • THE ANSWER WAS NO.

  • HOW MANY TIMES WILL JOE BIDEN

  • MENTION OBAMA, OVER/UNDER ONE

  • AND A HALF TIMES.

  • THAT WENT OVER.

  • IT WAS TWO.

  • TIMES DONALD TRUMP WILL TWEET

  • DURING THE DEBATE.

  • IT WAS UNDER.

  • HE WAS BUSY.

  • WILL BETO O'ROURKE SPEAK SPANISH

  • DURING THE DEBATE.

  • HE DID.

  • WILL JOE BIDEN CHOKE ON HIS

  • TEETH DURING THE DEBATE.

  • HE ACTUALLY DID.

  • JOE BIDEN DID, HE DID WELL

  • TONIGHT.

  • HE WAS FACING THE RIGHT

  • DIRECTION.

  • HIS PANTS WERE ON.

  • IT WAS, IT WAS A GOOD OUTING FOR

  • HIM.

  • YOU KNOW, THERE WERE THREE WOMEN

  • ON STAGE.

  • IF ANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE

  • ELECTED, IT WOULD BE HISTORIC,

  • AND IF, IF BERNIE OR BIDEN WERE

  • TO WIN, IT WOULD BE PREHISTORIC.

  • BUT BERNIE WAS --

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • BECAUSE HE'S SO OLD IS WHAT I'M

  • SAYING.

  • THEIR AGE.

  • BERNIE WAS VERY BERNIE TONIGHT.

  • HE CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE

  • YELLING.

  • HIS VOICE WAS CRAZY.

  • IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SWALLOWED A

  • FROG.

  • HE WAS SCREAMING LOUDER THAN CAM

  • NEWTON AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.

  • HE GAVE A STRONG WARNING TO

  • GIVING AMERICANS AFFORDABLE

  • THROAT LOZENGES.

  • >> IN THE UNITED STATES OF

  • AMERICA, WE ARE SPENDING TWICE

  • AS MUCH PER CAPITA ON HEALTH

  • CARE AS THE CANADIANS OR ANY

  • OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY ON EARTH.

  • >> Jimmy: HE HAD HIS TURN SIGNAL

  • ON FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

  • THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

  • I FELT BAD FOR HIM.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • THIS WAS THE FIRST DEBATE WHERE

  • JOE BIDEN AND ELIZABETH WARREN

  • WERE ON STAGE TOGETHER.

  • THEY'VE BEEN DESCRIBED AS

  • FRENEMIES.

  • IT'S A WEIRD SITUATION.

  • ELIZABETH WARREN IS THE

  • CANDIDATE MOST DEMOCRATS SAY

  • THEY'D LIKE TO VOTE FOR, BUT THE

  • MAJORITY OF DEMOCRATS THINK JOE

  • BIDEN IS THE GUY THE COUNTRY

  • WOULD VOTE FOR.

  • BUT I DON'T KNOW.

  • I DON'T THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA

  • TO TRY TO GUESS WHAT OTHER

  • PEOPLE WANT.

  • THAT'S HOW YOU WIND UP EATING AT

  • GOLDEN CORRAL.

  • I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO COME

  • HERE.

  • MOST OF WHAT HAS THE DEMOCRATS

  • WORRIED IS AFTER HILLARY, WILL

  • ANOTHER FEMALE CANDIDATE BE ABLE

  • TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP?

  • WILL IT BE TOO RISKY?

  • I THINK A FEMALE HAS A BETTER

  • CHANCE AGAINST TRUMP, ESPECIALLY

  • IN A DEBATE.

  • WOMEN ARE MUCH BETTER AT

  • HANDLING BABIES THAN MEN.

  • IT'S A BIOLOGICAL FACT.

  • SOME MADE WAVES, MOST NOTABLY,

  • THE BUSINESSMAN, ANDREW YANG.

  • HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER SAID HE'D

  • BE DOING SOMETHING NO

  • PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HAS EVER

  • DONE BEFORE, WHICH IS EXCITING

  • TO HEAR, BECAUSE THERE CAN BE SO

  • MANY THINGS.

  • MAYBE HE WAS PLANNING TO EAT A

  • TIDE POD ON CAMERA.

  • OR RIDE IN ON AN OSTRICH.

  • WHO KNOWS.

  • BUT ANDREW YANG DID NONE OF

  • THOSE THINGS.

  • INSTEAD, HE GAVE AWAY CASH.

  • >> I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING

  • UNPRECEDENTED TONIGHT.

  • MY CAMPAIGN WILL NOW GIVE A

  • FREEDOM DIVIDEND OF $1,000 A

  • MONTH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TEN

  • AMERICAN FAMILIES.

  • SOMEONE WATCHING THIS AT HOME

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • IF YOU BELIEVE THAT CAN YOU

  • SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS BETTER

  • THAN ANY POLITICIAN, GO TO

  • YANG2020.COM AND TELL US HOW

  • $1,000 A MONTH WILL HELP YOU DO

  • JUST THAT.

  • >> Jimmy: LIKE A RADIO STATION

  • CONTEST.

  • THIS THOUSAND DOLLAR THURSDAY.

  • THAT MAY BE THE MOST RIDICULOUS

  • PROPOSAL I'VE SEEN ON THIS

  • NETWORK, AND I'VE WATCHED EVERY

  • EPISODE OF THE BACHELORETTE.

  • HE ALSO HAD FUN WHEN HE TOOK THE

  • STAGE TONIGHT.

  • >> ENTREPRENEUR ANDREW

  • YANG.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> Jimmy: I'D LIKE TO SEE JOE

  • BIDEN DO THAT.

  • SOME OF THE CANDIDATES WENT

  • AFTER JOE BIDEN, LIKE HE WAS

  • SOME KIND OF DEAD BEAT DAD ON

  • THE MAURY POVICH SHOW.

  • JULIAN CASTRO IN PARTICULAR.

  • THERE WAS ONE MOMENT WHEN CASTRO

  • LASHED OUT AT BIDEN FOR

  • FORGETTING SOMETHING, WHICH HE

  • DIDN'T FORGET, BY THE WAY, AND

  • BERNIE APPEARED TO LEAN OVER AND

  • HELP JOE OUT.

  • IT WAS KIND OF ENDEARING.

  • IT MADE ME HOPEFUL FOR A REBOOT

  • OF GRUMPY OLD MEN.

  • B

  • BETO O'ROURKE HAD A BETTER

  • NIGHT.

  • O

  • HE LOOKS LIKE THE HIGH SCHOOL

  • TEACHER YOU KNOW HAS WEED IN HIS

  • DESK.

  • HE CALLED DONALD TRUMP A WHITE

  • SUPREMACIST AND ANNOUNCED A PLAN

  • FOR A REPARATIONS BILL AND A NEW

  • MADEA MOVIE BY THE END OF THE

  • YEAR.

  • CORY BOOKER WAS THE ONLY

  • UNMARRIED CANDIDATE IN THE

  • DEBATE.

  • THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING, A

  • SINGLE PRESIDENT.

  • YOU SEE HIM ON TINDER.

  • CAN'T SWIPE RIGHT ON A DEMOCRAT.

  • HAVE TO SWIPE LEFT ON THEM,

  • RIGHT?

  • HE'S DATING ROSARIO DAWSON, THE

  • ACTRESS.

  • BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY LIVE

  • TOGETHER A LOT OF THE TIME,

  • UNTIL THREE DAYS AGO, SHE HADN'T

  • OFFICIALLY ENDORSED HIM, WHICH

  • IS, I MEAN, HOW MANY DISHES MUST

  • THIS GUY LEAVE IN THE SINK?

  • OVERALL, I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD

  • DEBATE.

  • I THOUGHT ABC NEWS DID A GREAT

  • JOB.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE DEBATE,

  • BUT WATCHING CANDIDATES DISCUSS

  • THE ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY, USING

  • REAL FACTS, I'D FORGOTTEN WHAT

  • IT WAS LIKE.

  • IT WAS LIKE WALKING OUT OF NORTH

  • KOREA AND INTO A COSTCO.

  • IT WAS THAT SAME.

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS

  • HE WOULD NOT WATCH THE DEBATE

  • LIVE TONIGHT.

  • SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAPE IT AND

  • WATCH IT LATER AS A RERUN.

  • THIS IS WHAT HE WAS DOING DURING

  • THE DEBATE.

  • >> THE LIGHT BULB.

  • PEOPLE SAID WHAT'S WITH THE

  • LIGHT BULB.

  • I SAID HERE'S THE STORY.

  • I LOOKED AT IT, THE BULB WE'RE

  • FORCED TO USE, NUMBER ONE, MOST

  • IMPORTANTLY, THE LIGHT'S NO

  • GOOD.

  • I ALWAYS LOOK ORANGE.

  • >> Jimmy: YEAH.

  • IT'S THE LIGHT BULB THAT MAKES

  • YOU LOOK ORANGE.

  • NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TAN IN A

  • CAN.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • TRUMP ALSO ENTERTAINED THE GANG

  • OF THE INSTITUTE WITH A ROUTINE

  • ABOUT SLEEPY JOE BIDEN AND

  • PRESIDENT XI.

  • WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SLOW IT

  • DOWN FOR TONIGHT'S EDITION OF

  • DRUNK DONALD TRUMP.

  • >> HE WANTS SLEEPY JOE.

  • CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO GUYS

  • IN A ROOM?

  • XI, HA, AND HERE'S SLEEPY JOE,

  • WHAT?

  • WHERE AM I?

  • WHERE AM I?

  • JUST SIGN HERE, SLEEPY JOE.

  • JUST SIGN HERE.

  • ♪ ♪

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> Jimmy: SO, IN BETWEEN HIS

  • STANDUP FIGURES SHALL THE

  • PRESIDENT IS STILL FIGURING OUT

  • WHO'S GOING TO REPLACE HIS

  • NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.

  • THERE WERE REPORTS TODAY THAT HE

  • WAS THINKING ABOUT GIVING THE

  • JOB TO MIKE POMPEO WHO WOULD

  • THEN HAVE TWO JOBS TO BE FIRED

  • FROM IN THREE MONTHS, WHICH

  • WOULD BE UNUSUAL BUT NOT

  • UNPRECEDENTED.

  • THERE WAS ONE OTHER SECRETARY OF

  • STATE WHO ALSO ACTED AS NATIONAL

  • SECURITY ADVISER, HENRY

  • KISSINGER, WHICH WOULD MAKE

  • SENSE FOR TRUMP, BECAUSE NOBODY

  • KISSINGER

  • KISSINGER

  • KISSINGERS HIS ASS LIKE MIKE

  • POMPEO.

  • HE MADE IT CLEAR HE HAS MANY

  • OPTIONS TO FILL THIS MOST RECENT

  • HOLE.

  • >> A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT THE JOB.

  • IT'S A GREAT JOB.

  • IT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT'S A LOT OF

  • FUN TO WORK WITH DONALD TRUMP,

  • AND IT'S VERY EASY, ACTUALLY, TO

  • WORK WITH ME.

  • YOU KNOW WHY IT'S EASY?

  • I MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS.

  • THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK.

  • >> Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIFIC

  • WORKING ENVIRONMENT.

  • HE MAKES ALL THE DECISION,

  • WHETHER THEY BE ORIGINAL RECIPE

  • OR EXTRA CRISPY.

  • OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE'S

  • BEEN TRYING TO DO, THERE'S ONE

  • SUBJECT ON WHICH THE PRESIDENT

  • HAS BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR, AND THAT

  • IS THIS.

  • >> I'M AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

  • I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.

  • I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.

  • WE'RE GOING TO HAVE CRYSTAL

  • CLEAN WATER.

  • CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER.

  • CLEAN, CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.

  • WE WANT CLEAN WATER.

  • CRYSTAL.

  • CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER.

  • NICE, BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN WATER.

  • >> Jimmy: SO WHAT DID THEY

  • ANNOUNCE TODAY?

  • THEY'RE ROLLING BACK OBAMA'S

  • CLEAN WATER ACT WHICH LIMITS THE

  • AMOUNT OF CHEMICALS BUSINESSES

  • CAN PUT IN OUR WATER.

  • HOW DOES IT WORK.

  • DID THEY WAKE UP AND SAY WHAT

  • HORRIBLE THING CAN WE DO TODAY?

  • I KNOW, LET'S POISON THE WATER.

  • HE'S ROLLED BACK PROTECTION OF

  • THE WATER, AIR, ENDANGERED

  • SPECIES AND PUBLIC LAND.

  • ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS ROLLING

  • BACK WHAT OBAMA D IID.

  • I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T ORDER

  • SASHA AND MALEAH BACK INTO THE

  • WOMB.

  • THE CANDIDATES WERE WARNED BY

  • ABC NEWS AND THE DNC NOT TO USE

  • FOUL LANGUAGE, BECAUSE IF

  • THERE'S ONE THING WE'VE LEARNED,

  • IT'S THAT VOTERS WILL NOT

  • TOLERATE A PRESIDENT WHO USES

  • FOUL LANGUAGE.

  • WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME FOR A

  • SPECIAL DEBATE EDITION OF THIS

  • WEEK IN UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP.

  • >> LAST YEAR, DEMOCRATS

  • [ BLEEP ]ED 40 REPUBLICAN

  • [ BLEEP ]S IN THE HOUSE.

  • >> I'VE MET PEOPLE [ BLEEP ]

  • THEIR DOCTORS.

  • I'VE MET PEOPLE WHO [ BLEEP ]

  • THEIR NURSES, WHO [ BLEEP ]

  • THEIR PHARMACISTS.

  • >> YOU'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE

  • WORKING CLASS ISSUES.

  • THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE A [ BLEEP ]

  • AFTER WORK.

  • >> THIS IS ABOUT HONESTY, BIG

  • [ BLEEP ].

  • >> IN MY DEBATE I WAS CALLED A

  • [ BLEEP ] FROM THE IRON RANGE.

  • WHEN SHE SAID IT, I SAID

  • [ BLEEP ] YOU.

  • >> THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR

  • YOU AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

  • STATES.

  • [ BLEEP ] YOU.

  • >> I KNOW HOW [ BLEEP ].

  • AND I KNOW HOW TO WIN.

  • I [ BLEEP ] GIANT [ BLEEP ], AND

  • I BEAT THEM.

  • >> I AM ASIAN.

  • SO I HAVE A LOT OF [ BLEEP ],

  • [ BLEEP ].

  • >> IF YOU WANT TO COMPARE

  • [ BLEEP

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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