B1 Intermediate US 11 Folder Collection
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED THE
DEBATE EARLIER TONIGHT HERE ON
ABC AND FORGOT TO TURN THE
TELEVISION OFF, THANK YOU FOR
JOINING US.
YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE WATCHED THE
THIRD DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS
TIME FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS.
IT WAS EXCITING, YOU KNOW, WATCH
BEING THE CANDIDATE THE TACKLE
ISSUES IS AS CLOSE AS WE GET TO
FOOTBALL.
THEY ALL TRIED TO STAND OUT AND
AVOID BEING ELIMINATED UNDER
EXTREME TIME PRESSURE IN A
TELEVISED EVENT.
NOW LET'S PUT 45 SECONDS ON THE
CLOCK AND GO.
THIS WAS A LARGE CAST OF
CHARACTERS.
TO HELP VIEWER KEEP TRACK OF WHO
WAS WHO, ABC DID SOMETHING
SPECIAL.
♪ THE ELECTION IS QUICKLY
APPROACHING ♪
♪ AND WE'VE GOT DECISIONS TO
MAKE ♪
♪ WITH SO MANY PEOPLE TO CHOOSE
FROM ♪
♪ WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE A
MISTAKE ♪
♪ WE CAN ONLY SEND ONE TO THE
WHITE HOUSE ♪
♪ AND THE OTHERS WILL HAVE TO GO
HOME ♪
♪ DEMS THE BREAKS ♪
♪ YEAH, DEMS THE BREAKS ♪
♪ WHOEVER GOES HOME WILL SAY
DEMS THE BREAKS ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jimmy: I WOULDN'T WATCH THAT
SHOW.
IT IS WEIRD THAT THEY PUT TEN
CANDIDATES ON THE STAGE.
HERE'S HOW, I'D PUT THE FOUR
FRONT RUNNERS AT THE CENTER OF
THE STAGE AND LET THE OTHER SIX
DANGLE OFF THE STAGE BY THEIR
FINGERTIPS.
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS UP WAY
PAST HIS BEDTIME.
HE ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE
DEBATE.
YOU CAN SEE HE GOT STUCK IN THE
CLAW MACHINE AT THE DAVE AND
BUSTERS AT THE BAY BROOK MALL,
BUT HIS MOTHER WAS ABLE TO FISH
HIM OUT.
THE MODERATORS TONIGHT WERE
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, DAVID
MUIR AND JORGE RAMOS.
THEY HIT THE CANDIDATES WITH ALL
THE TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, IF
ELECTED, HOW DO WE KNOW YOU
WON'T LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL
THE TIME AND DRAW ON WEATHER
MAPS WITH A SHARPIE, AND THEY
ANSWERED THOSE QUESTIONS WELL.
YOU CAN BET ON THE EVENTS OF THE
DEBATE.
THESE ARE ARE WWHAT THEY CALL P
BETS.
CAN YOU BET, WILL JOE BIDEN HAVE
A GAFFE THAT TRENDS ON TWITTER.
YOU BET $100, YOU GET $200 IF IT
WAS YES.
$300 FOR NO.
THE ANSWER WAS NO.
HOW MANY TIMES WILL JOE BIDEN
MENTION OBAMA, OVER/UNDER ONE
AND A HALF TIMES.
THAT WENT OVER.
IT WAS TWO.
TIMES DONALD TRUMP WILL TWEET
DURING THE DEBATE.
IT WAS UNDER.
HE WAS BUSY.
WILL BETO O'ROURKE SPEAK SPANISH
DURING THE DEBATE.
HE DID.
WILL JOE BIDEN CHOKE ON HIS
TEETH DURING THE DEBATE.
HE ACTUALLY DID.
JOE BIDEN DID, HE DID WELL
TONIGHT.
HE WAS FACING THE RIGHT
DIRECTION.
HIS PANTS WERE ON.
IT WAS, IT WAS A GOOD OUTING FOR
HIM.
YOU KNOW, THERE WERE THREE WOMEN
ON STAGE.
IF ANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE
ELECTED, IT WOULD BE HISTORIC,
AND IF, IF BERNIE OR BIDEN WERE
TO WIN, IT WOULD BE PREHISTORIC.
BUT BERNIE WAS --
[ APPLAUSE ]
BECAUSE HE'S SO OLD IS WHAT I'M
SAYING.
THEIR AGE.
BERNIE WAS VERY BERNIE TONIGHT.
HE CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE
YELLING.
HIS VOICE WAS CRAZY.
IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SWALLOWED A
FROG.
HE WAS SCREAMING LOUDER THAN CAM
NEWTON AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE.
HE GAVE A STRONG WARNING TO
GIVING AMERICANS AFFORDABLE
THROAT LOZENGES.
>> IN THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA, WE ARE SPENDING TWICE
AS MUCH PER CAPITA ON HEALTH
CARE AS THE CANADIANS OR ANY
OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY ON EARTH.
>> Jimmy: HE HAD HIS TURN SIGNAL
ON FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.
I FELT BAD FOR HIM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS WAS THE FIRST DEBATE WHERE
JOE BIDEN AND ELIZABETH WARREN
WERE ON STAGE TOGETHER.
THEY'VE BEEN DESCRIBED AS
FRENEMIES.
IT'S A WEIRD SITUATION.
ELIZABETH WARREN IS THE
CANDIDATE MOST DEMOCRATS SAY
THEY'D LIKE TO VOTE FOR, BUT THE
MAJORITY OF DEMOCRATS THINK JOE
BIDEN IS THE GUY THE COUNTRY
WOULD VOTE FOR.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA
TO TRY TO GUESS WHAT OTHER
PEOPLE WANT.
THAT'S HOW YOU WIND UP EATING AT
GOLDEN CORRAL.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO COME
HERE.
MOST OF WHAT HAS THE DEMOCRATS
WORRIED IS AFTER HILLARY, WILL
ANOTHER FEMALE CANDIDATE BE ABLE
TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP?
WILL IT BE TOO RISKY?
I THINK A FEMALE HAS A BETTER
CHANCE AGAINST TRUMP, ESPECIALLY
IN A DEBATE.
WOMEN ARE MUCH BETTER AT
HANDLING BABIES THAN MEN.
IT'S A BIOLOGICAL FACT.
SOME MADE WAVES, MOST NOTABLY,
THE BUSINESSMAN, ANDREW YANG.
HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER SAID HE'D
BE DOING SOMETHING NO
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HAS EVER
DONE BEFORE, WHICH IS EXCITING
TO HEAR, BECAUSE THERE CAN BE SO
MANY THINGS.
MAYBE HE WAS PLANNING TO EAT A
TIDE POD ON CAMERA.
OR RIDE IN ON AN OSTRICH.
WHO KNOWS.
BUT ANDREW YANG DID NONE OF
THOSE THINGS.
INSTEAD, HE GAVE AWAY CASH.
>> I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING
UNPRECEDENTED TONIGHT.
MY CAMPAIGN WILL NOW GIVE A
FREEDOM DIVIDEND OF $1,000 A
MONTH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TEN
AMERICAN FAMILIES.
SOMEONE WATCHING THIS AT HOME
RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU BELIEVE THAT CAN YOU
SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS BETTER
THAN ANY POLITICIAN, GO TO
YANG2020.COM AND TELL US HOW
$1,000 A MONTH WILL HELP YOU DO
JUST THAT.
>> Jimmy: LIKE A RADIO STATION
CONTEST.
THIS THOUSAND DOLLAR THURSDAY.
THAT MAY BE THE MOST RIDICULOUS
PROPOSAL I'VE SEEN ON THIS
NETWORK, AND I'VE WATCHED EVERY
EPISODE OF THE BACHELORETTE.
HE ALSO HAD FUN WHEN HE TOOK THE
STAGE TONIGHT.
>> ENTREPRENEUR ANDREW
YANG.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I'D LIKE TO SEE JOE
BIDEN DO THAT.
SOME OF THE CANDIDATES WENT
AFTER JOE BIDEN, LIKE HE WAS
SOME KIND OF DEAD BEAT DAD ON
THE MAURY POVICH SHOW.
JULIAN CASTRO IN PARTICULAR.
THERE WAS ONE MOMENT WHEN CASTRO
LASHED OUT AT BIDEN FOR
FORGETTING SOMETHING, WHICH HE
DIDN'T FORGET, BY THE WAY, AND
BERNIE APPEARED TO LEAN OVER AND
HELP JOE OUT.
IT WAS KIND OF ENDEARING.
IT MADE ME HOPEFUL FOR A REBOOT
OF GRUMPY OLD MEN.
B
BETO O'ROURKE HAD A BETTER
NIGHT.
O
HE LOOKS LIKE THE HIGH SCHOOL
TEACHER YOU KNOW HAS WEED IN HIS
DESK.
HE CALLED DONALD TRUMP A WHITE
SUPREMACIST AND ANNOUNCED A PLAN
FOR A REPARATIONS BILL AND A NEW
MADEA MOVIE BY THE END OF THE
YEAR.
CORY BOOKER WAS THE ONLY
UNMARRIED CANDIDATE IN THE
DEBATE.
THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING, A
SINGLE PRESIDENT.
YOU SEE HIM ON TINDER.
CAN'T SWIPE RIGHT ON A DEMOCRAT.
HAVE TO SWIPE LEFT ON THEM,
RIGHT?
HE'S DATING ROSARIO DAWSON, THE
ACTRESS.
BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY LIVE
TOGETHER A LOT OF THE TIME,
UNTIL THREE DAYS AGO, SHE HADN'T
OFFICIALLY ENDORSED HIM, WHICH
IS, I MEAN, HOW MANY DISHES MUST
THIS GUY LEAVE IN THE SINK?
OVERALL, I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD
DEBATE.
I THOUGHT ABC NEWS DID A GREAT
JOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE DEBATE,
BUT WATCHING CANDIDATES DISCUSS
THE ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY, USING
REAL FACTS, I'D FORGOTTEN WHAT
IT WAS LIKE.
IT WAS LIKE WALKING OUT OF NORTH
KOREA AND INTO A COSTCO.
IT WAS THAT SAME.
PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS
HE WOULD NOT WATCH THE DEBATE
LIVE TONIGHT.
SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAPE IT AND
WATCH IT LATER AS A RERUN.
THIS IS WHAT HE WAS DOING DURING
THE DEBATE.
>> THE LIGHT BULB.
PEOPLE SAID WHAT'S WITH THE
LIGHT BULB.
I SAID HERE'S THE STORY.
I LOOKED AT IT, THE BULB WE'RE
FORCED TO USE, NUMBER ONE, MOST
IMPORTANTLY, THE LIGHT'S NO
GOOD.
I ALWAYS LOOK ORANGE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
IT'S THE LIGHT BULB THAT MAKES
YOU LOOK ORANGE.
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TAN IN A
CAN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
TRUMP ALSO ENTERTAINED THE GANG
OF THE INSTITUTE WITH A ROUTINE
ABOUT SLEEPY JOE BIDEN AND
PRESIDENT XI.
WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SLOW IT
DOWN FOR TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
DRUNK DONALD TRUMP.
>> HE WANTS SLEEPY JOE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO GUYS
IN A ROOM?
XI, HA, AND HERE'S SLEEPY JOE,
WHAT?
WHERE AM I?
WHERE AM I?
JUST SIGN HERE, SLEEPY JOE.
JUST SIGN HERE.
♪ ♪
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SO, IN BETWEEN HIS
STANDUP FIGURES SHALL THE
PRESIDENT IS STILL FIGURING OUT
WHO'S GOING TO REPLACE HIS
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER.
THERE WERE REPORTS TODAY THAT HE
WAS THINKING ABOUT GIVING THE
JOB TO MIKE POMPEO WHO WOULD
THEN HAVE TWO JOBS TO BE FIRED
FROM IN THREE MONTHS, WHICH
WOULD BE UNUSUAL BUT NOT
UNPRECEDENTED.
THERE WAS ONE OTHER SECRETARY OF
STATE WHO ALSO ACTED AS NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER, HENRY
KISSINGER, WHICH WOULD MAKE
SENSE FOR TRUMP, BECAUSE NOBODY
KISSINGER
KISSINGER
KISSINGERS HIS ASS LIKE MIKE
POMPEO.
HE MADE IT CLEAR HE HAS MANY
OPTIONS TO FILL THIS MOST RECENT
HOLE.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT THE JOB.
IT'S A GREAT JOB.
IT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT'S A LOT OF
FUN TO WORK WITH DONALD TRUMP,
AND IT'S VERY EASY, ACTUALLY, TO
WORK WITH ME.
YOU KNOW WHY IT'S EASY?
I MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK.
>> Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIFIC
WORKING ENVIRONMENT.
HE MAKES ALL THE DECISION,
WHETHER THEY BE ORIGINAL RECIPE
OR EXTRA CRISPY.
OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE'S
BEEN TRYING TO DO, THERE'S ONE
SUBJECT ON WHICH THE PRESIDENT
HAS BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR, AND THAT
IS THIS.
>> I'M AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.
I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE CRYSTAL
CLEAN WATER.
CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER.
CLEAN, CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER.
WE WANT CLEAN WATER.
CRYSTAL.
CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER.
NICE, BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN WATER.
>> Jimmy: SO WHAT DID THEY
ANNOUNCE TODAY?
THEY'RE ROLLING BACK OBAMA'S
CLEAN WATER ACT WHICH LIMITS THE
AMOUNT OF CHEMICALS BUSINESSES
CAN PUT IN OUR WATER.
HOW DOES IT WORK.
DID THEY WAKE UP AND SAY WHAT
HORRIBLE THING CAN WE DO TODAY?
I KNOW, LET'S POISON THE WATER.
HE'S ROLLED BACK PROTECTION OF
THE WATER, AIR, ENDANGERED
SPECIES AND PUBLIC LAND.
ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS ROLLING
BACK WHAT OBAMA D IID.
I'M SURPRISED HE DIDN'T ORDER
SASHA AND MALEAH BACK INTO THE
WOMB.
THE CANDIDATES WERE WARNED BY
ABC NEWS AND THE DNC NOT TO USE
FOUL LANGUAGE, BECAUSE IF
THERE'S ONE THING WE'VE LEARNED,
IT'S THAT VOTERS WILL NOT
TOLERATE A PRESIDENT WHO USES
FOUL LANGUAGE.
WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME FOR A
SPECIAL DEBATE EDITION OF THIS
WEEK IN UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP.
>> LAST YEAR, DEMOCRATS
[ BLEEP ]ED 40 REPUBLICAN
[ BLEEP ]S IN THE HOUSE.
>> I'VE MET PEOPLE [ BLEEP ]
THEIR DOCTORS.
I'VE MET PEOPLE WHO [ BLEEP ]
THEIR NURSES, WHO [ BLEEP ]
THEIR PHARMACISTS.
>> YOU'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE
WORKING CLASS ISSUES.
THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE A [ BLEEP ]
AFTER WORK.
>> THIS IS ABOUT HONESTY, BIG
[ BLEEP ].
>> IN MY DEBATE I WAS CALLED A
[ BLEEP ] FROM THE IRON RANGE.
WHEN SHE SAID IT, I SAID
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR
YOU AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> I KNOW HOW [ BLEEP ].
AND I KNOW HOW TO WIN.
I [ BLEEP ] GIANT [ BLEEP ], AND
I BEAT THEM.
>> I AM ASIAN.
SO I HAVE A LOT OF [ BLEEP ],
[ BLEEP ].
>> IF YOU WANT TO COMPARE
[ BLEEP
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Jimmy Kimmel Breaks Down Democratic Debate

11 Folder Collection
王惟惟 published on January 13, 2020
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