20、 Obama
B2 High-Intermediate US 30 Folder Collection
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WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,
TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S RACIST RHETORIC.
BUT THERE'S ONE RACE TRUMP DISLIKES MORE THAN ALL THE
OTHERS, AND THAT'S THE RACE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
>> RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THE NEXT DEMOCRATIC
DEBATE IS A MONTH AWAY, AND ONLY EIGHT CANDIDATES HAVE QUALIFIED
SO FAR.
EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING DESPERATE TO BREAK THROUGH.
FOR INSTANCE, COLORADO SENATOR AND MAN WHO GOT CUT FROM THE
CIALIS COMMERCIAL FOR BEING TOO BORING, MICHAEL BENNET.
BENNET PUT OUT A PRETTY RADICAL CAMPAIGN PROMISE TUESDAY,
TWEETING, "IF YOU ELECT ME PRESIDENT, I PROMISE YOU WON'T
HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ME FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME."
( LAUGHTER ) WAAAAAY AHEAD OF YOU...
( LAUGHTER ) I WANT TO SAY... MITCHELL
BUCKET?
I'M NOT SURE.
BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I DO GET EXCITED ABOUT THE IDEA OF NOT
THINKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.
ALSO: NOT THINKING.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER CANDIDATE DESPERATE TO
APPEAL TO VOTERS IS TECH ENTREPRENEUR AND GUY KILLING ON
C.F.O. STAND-UP NIGHT, ANDREW YANG.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, YANG UNVEILED A
SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF HIS "FAVORITE JAMS," INCLUDING SUCH
HITS AS "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME."
WAIT, SORRY, THAT'S ACTUALLY HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, A FEW OF THOSE CANDIDATES
MIGHT END UP ON THE BALLOT.
BUT IN ONE STATE, DONALD TRUMP MIGHT NOT.
BECAUSE A NEW CALIFORNIA LAW REQUIRES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
TO RELEASE THEIR TAX RETURNS IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON THE PRIMARY
BALLOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.
WOW.
THAT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO SEE EVERYONE'S TAX RETURNS.
SO WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF MARIANNE WILLIAMSON WRITES OFF
HER DREAMCATCHER AS A MEDICAL EXPENSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, TRUMP AND THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY SUED CALIFORNIA OVER THE LAW, CALLING IT "A
NAKED POLITICAL ATTACK AGAINST THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES."
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S A NAKED ATTACK.
AND NOT THE GOOD KIND,LIKE BARGIN' IN ON THE MISS TEEN
U.S.A. DRESSING ROOM."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "AND I WANT TO REMIND YOU, THIS
IS ME DONALD TRUMP TALKING, NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN THINKS THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I, DONALD TRUMP, THINK IT WAS FUN ."
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, CALIFORNIA DIDN'T NAME
TRUMP IN THEIR LAW, SO TRUMP SUING THEM IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.
(AS GUY AT P.T.A. MEETING) "GUYS, THIS NEW PTA RULE THAT
YOU CAN'T SNEAK A LUKEWARM COCKTAIL OF VODKA AND CRYSTAL
LITE INTO MEETINGS INSIDE YOUR WATER BOTTLE IS A CLEAR ATTACK
AGAINST MY WIFE.
SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT HERSELF AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: APPLAUDING EITHER FOR VODKA OR CRYSTAL LIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. SUIT CLAIMS THAT THIS
NEW LAW VIOLATES THE U.S.
CONSTITUTION BY CREATING AN EXTRA REQUIREMENT TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT.
BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THERE ARE ALREADY ALL SORTS OF OTHER REQUIREMENTS TO GET ONTO
STATE BALLOTS.
IN ALABAMA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET AT LEAST 350 SIGNATURES.
IN IDAHO, CANDIDATES HAVE TO PAY A FILING FEE.
AND IN FLORIDA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET THEIR PETITIONS NOTARIZED
BY A LICENSED METH ADDICT ALLIGATOR.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ALBERT GATOR, I BELIEVE IS
HIS NAME.
( APPLAUSE ) RIGHT NOW -- WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS THIS?
HOW MANY, 50 YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY?
JUST TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
WHOO!
TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
SOMEONE TELL MY MIRROR.
TWO AND HALF YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, AND PRESIDENT
TRUMP SAYS SO MANY STUPID THINGS, IT'S EASY TO FORGET A
FEW.
LIKE THE TIME HE SAID HE GOT BIGGER CROWDS THAN JAY-Z.
OR THE TIME HE SAID VENEZUELANS WERE ALL DESCENDED FROM INBRED
CONQUISTADORS.
OR THE TIME HE SAID WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER.
OKAY, I MADE ONE OF THOSE UP, BUT AT THIS POINT, DOES IT
MATTER WHICH ONE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JAY-Z, YEAH -- BIGGER CROWD THAN JAY-Z.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: ANYWAY, HE MAKES A LOT OF WEIRD CLAIMS,
SO IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE IF YOU FORGOT THIS ONE, FROM A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO, ABOUT THE PRICE OF BUYING A NEW "AIR FORCE ONE."
>> THEY WERE CLOSE TO SIGNING A $4.2 BILLION DEAL TO HAVE A NEW
AIR FORCE ONE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
I SAID NO WAY.
I SAID I REFUSE TO FLY IN A $4.2 BILLION AIRPLANE.
WE'VE GOT THAT PRICE DOWN OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.
WE SAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON AIR FORCE 1.
$1.4 BILLION WE SAVED.
I WAS ABLE TO SAVE $1.5 BILLION.
WE ADDED THINGS AND I GOT 1.6 BILLION OFF.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "I SAVED $1.6 BILLION, GOT THEM
TO WAIVE THE CARRY-ON BAGGAGE FEE, AND AS LONG AS HE WEARS A
VEST, I CAN BRING STEPHEN MILLER AS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RACIST."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO HOW DID TRUMP GET THE PRICE OF AIR FORCE ONE SO LOW?
WELL, APPARENTLY, INSTEAD OF BUILDING NEW PLANES, HE FOUND
CHEAP 747'S THAT WERE OWNED BY A RUSSIAN AIRLINE.
AH-HA!
SO NOW, THE UNITED STATES HAS SOMETHING RUSSIA USED AND
DISCARDED... AND HE IS BUYING THEIR OLD AIRPLANES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STILL, IF THE PRESIDENT REALLY DID SAVE THE TAXPAYERS OVER A
BILLION DOLLARS, HE DESERVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.
BUT HE DOESN'T, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.
IT TURNS OUT THE COST OF TRUMP'S NEW AIR FORCE ONE HAS
SKYROCKETED NEARLY $2 BILLION MORE THAN THE ORIGINAL ESTIMATE.
OH, GREAT, SO INSTEAD OF SAVING US A BILLION, IT'S COSTING US
TWO BILLION?
EVIDENTLY, TRUMP MISTAKENLY USED THE "ONE FOR THE PRICE OF TWO!"
COUPON.
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B2 High-Intermediate US

Dem Candidates Take Desperate Measures To Qualify For Next Debate

30 Folder Collection
王惟惟 published on January 13, 2020

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