Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • - Some stories in the news help us understand

  • the world we live in.

  • And some news stories are just stupid.

  • For those, we turn to Ronny Chieng.

  • (audience cheers) (dramatic music)

  • - If you're super rich,

  • the only thing better than spending your money

  • is having other rich people see you spend your money.

  • And the place you do that?

  • Auctions.

  • It's the place where a guy talks so fast

  • that he tricks you into buying crazy shit

  • you don't even need.

  • Like, one time I raised my hand at an auction

  • to ask where the bathroom was,

  • and I ended up buying a yacht.

  • And the yacht didn't even have a bathroom.

  • You're just supposed to pee over the side like a barbarian.

  • So auctions were always where the rich went to flex,

  • but now it's just getting stupid.

  • - [Reporter] A little piece of the Force

  • sold for a small fortune.

  • A prototype "Star Wars" action figure

  • fetched just under $113,000.

  • - Wow. - At an auction

  • in Pennsylvania, oh my gosh.

  • The rocket-firing Boba Fett figure

  • was originally intended to be part of a toy line

  • for "The Empire Strikes Back" in 1979,

  • but it never went into mass production.

  • That's because it was deemed

  • a potential safety hazard to children.

  • - That's right, $113,000 for one toy.

  • For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And the worst part is you're dropping 100 grand

  • on a toy that wasn't even good enough to be released.

  • And I wonder why.

  • Look, I don't remember the part in "Star Wars"

  • where Boba Fett captures Han Solo with a red dildo.

  • (audience laughs) (audience applauds)

  • This all just shows you that "Star Wars" fans

  • will buy any stupid bullshit

  • even remotely related to "Star Wars."

  • And that's why I'm gonna start selling

  • the Luke Skywalker walker.

  • (audience laughs)

  • One thing I've learned about Americans

  • is that Americans love their pets.

  • And I'm here to say, "Why?"

  • Pets are kinda stupid.

  • I mean, you spend all your time picking up their poop,

  • and then, on top of that, when they die,

  • you have to go through all the trouble

  • of throwing them in your neighbor's yard?

  • Uh, no, thanks.

  • But that's just me, okay?

  • Other people are obsessed with their pets,

  • and it's, quite frankly, getting outta control.

  • - [Reporter] A Manhattan restaurant has rolled out

  • a special menu just for dogs.

  • - [Reporter] Check out what's on it.

  • A $42 rib eye steak with steamed veggies,

  • a lemon-drizzled salmon filet for 28 bucks,

  • grilled chicken breast for 16,

  • light bites of carrots and apples and a berry bowl.

  • - Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks?

  • You realize dogs will eat their own poop.

  • In fact, if I ran this restaurant,

  • I would just take the poop from my last dog customer

  • and feed it to the next dog customer, okay?

  • The dogs would be just as happy, and you're recycling.

  • Last week in Las Vegas was the annual

  • Consumer Electronics Show where tech companies

  • give us a first look at all the junk

  • we'll be throwing away in six months.

  • And this year was the worst yet.

  • They have a lot of technology and no good ways to use it.

  • - [Reporter] A company called Monet has a cookie-sized

  • attachment that you can put on a diaper

  • and it's bluetooth enabled

  • so any time the diaper gets dirty,

  • you'll get a notification on your phone.

  • - [Reporter] The sensor can detect

  • whether there's a number one or a number two in the diaper.

  • - Wow, a diaper with built-in notification.

  • You know what else has a built-in notification?

  • Human shit, all right.

  • Trust me, it'll let you know when it's in the room.

  • Or even the next room, depending on what you ate, okay.

  • You don't need to bring bluetooth into this.

  • Also, who wants to get notifications on their phone

  • every time their baby takes a crap?

  • Notifications are supposed to be for good things.

  • I don't wanna be like, "Oh my phone's buzzing.

  • "I wonder if it's my food.

  • "Oh no, that's just my son's food

  • "coming out of its butt."

  • America has a problem with food.

  • You guys want your food to be cheap and fast,

  • but also to be fresh and healthy.

  • That's too many things, okay.

  • You can't have both.

  • It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge.

  • It doesn't exist.

  • And when Americans don't get everything they expect

  • from their food,

  • you end up with dumb lawsuits like this one.

  • - A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit

  • accusing Poland Spring of selling water that's sourced

  • from wells and not springs.

  • He ruled last week that an amended complaint can proceed

  • with claims in eight states.

  • Poland Springs corporate parent,

  • Connecticut based Nestle Waters North America,

  • reiterated Tuesday that it's a meritless lawsuit

  • and said that the judge's decision

  • doesn't undermine its confidence.

  • - That's right, a woman is mad that Poland Spring

  • water doesn't come from a spring, it comes from a well.

  • Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan

  • about this story and they said, "to go (beep) yourself".

  • (audience laughs)

  • Seriously! (audience cheers)

  • Who actually thinks Poland Spring water

  • comes from a spring in Poland?

  • Do you also think your Smart Water went to MIT?

  • (audience laughs) It's all marketing!

  • Although to be fair, CVS water does come from CVS, okay?

  • It's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet.

  • Trevor, you probably don't know this,

  • but today is Earth Day.

  • So to celebrate, I got you some earth.

  • - Whoa!

  • Ronny what the hell? - You're welcome, Trevor.

  • As we celebrate earth, we're also trying to figure out

  • how to save it.

  • Take me, for instance.

  • To help cool the planet, before I left my apartment today,

  • I turned the air conditioning on.

  • (audience laughs)

  • - No, isn't that contributing to global warming?

  • - No, stupid, I left the window open, of course.

  • (audience laughs)

  • But unfortunately for the earth, not everyone's solutions

  • are as practical as mine.

  • - How can humankind tackle global warming?

  • There are some scientists proposing a technique

  • that's similar to the earth wearing UV protection sunglasses

  • apparently to block out the sun's harmful rays.

  • - Basically what the proposal wants to do

  • is it wants to send airplanes into the stratosphere

  • effectively spraying it with aerosols into the atmosphere,

  • almost kind of like working like you're adding extra clouds.

  • When you do that, you essentially are trying

  • to block more of that sunlight.

  • - So you're solution to save the planet

  • is to spray more shit into the atmosphere.

  • (audience laughs) Let me ask you,

  • what's the point of saving earth,

  • if the whole thing looks like New Jersey.

  • (audience laughs) And also, there's no way

  • that will work.

  • It's like trying to get a coffee stain out of your shirt

  • by using blood.

  • Don't believe every life hack you read on the internet.

  • We don't need to dim the sun.

  • We already have two dim sons.

  • They're called Eric and Don Jr.

  • Hello, high five, Trevor! (audience cheers)

  • Come on!

  • - I'm not gonna high five you.

  • I'm not gonna high five you.

  • - Oh sorry, I didn't know you were a Trump guy.

  • (audience laughs) Anyway, it's Halloween again.

  • Or as I like to call it, "The Stupidest Time of Year"