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  • - I know what it takes to be here.

  • I know a lot of people have to fly.

  • Who flew to get here?

  • [people cheer]

  • All right, so if you've been on a plane--

  • the people who didn't fly here, I assume you've been on a plane.

  • Yes.

  • There are rules to follow.

  • You have to put your tray, your table,

  • in the upright position, you have to buckle up,

  • and you have to not scream when the toilet flushes.

  • That is a loud-- Oh, my God.

  • Even when you're expecting it, does it--

  • It startles you. You just--

  • You're all ready to go out.

  • Oh, God.

  • God, why does it have to be so loud?

  • And how fast does it have to go to--

  • Never mind. Anyway...

  • And of course the other rule, that everyone is allowed

  • to only carry one item, one carry-on,

  • but every flight, people try to cheat.

  • They stack, like, eight pieces of luggage together,

  • pretend like it's one.

  • Just 'cause it's bungee-corded up,

  • it doesn't mean it's one item.

  • That doesn't fool anybody

  • to strap all those thing together.

  • Then they have another carry-on, a baby, and...

  • [laughter]

  • That should count as one carry-on right there,

  • especially if it carries on the whole flight.

  • [laughter]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • And then there are the people who bring one item,

  • but it's gigantic.

  • You know those people?

  • And you know-- you're looking at it, going,

  • "You can't seriously think that's gonna fit in"--

  • Everyone knows the size of the overhead,

  • and they still try to make it fit.

  • They're moving other people's stuff around.

  • Don't my stuff around. It's--mine--

  • My stuff is up there.

  • And they try to just cram it in every which way.

  • They're putting it in sideways and longways

  • and putting Vaseline on it so it'll smoothly--

  • using all the Vaseline they can carry,

  • which is that much.

  • If it was me, I would only--

  • I would-- Here's what I would do,

  • one--one thing I would change with the boarding process.

  • People who pack the most reasonably board first.

  • I think that's only fair.

  • If you pack one neatly packed item...

  • [cheers and applause]

  • You go first.

  • If you look like a walking episode of "Hoarders,"

  • end of the line.

  • [laughter]

  • Make sure your baggage is stowed away,

  • 'cause I'm dancing through the aisles right now.

- I know what it takes to be here.

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