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  • -I am going to tell you a stor

  • about a bodybuilder in Rochester, New York,

  • named Willie Murphy.

  • A burglar broke in to Willie's house recentl

  • and Willie beat him up.

  • Alright, fine.

  • That's what you would expect a bodybuilder to do.

  • But what if I told you Willie Murphy is

  • 82 years old?

  • [ Cheering ] And what if I told you

  • Willie Murphy is a woman?

  • [ Cheering ] And what if I told you this brings us to a segmen

  • called "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now"?

  • [ Bright theme plays ] [ Cheering and applause ]

  • This is Willie Murphy.

  • [ Cheering intensifies ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • She was about to go to bed one night

  • when a man started poundin on her front door,

  • demanding to be let in, so she called 911.

  • But while she was waiting for the police to arrive,

  • he broke down her door and barged in.

  • What the man didn't realize, though,

  • is that Willie Murphy works out.

  • You're probably thinkin', "Oh, that's cute.

  • She does water aerobics."

  • [ Laughter ] [chuckling] No, son.

  • Willie Murphy lifts weight every day at the YMCA

  • and she can deadlift 225 pounds.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • 225 pounds!

  • That's me holding a microwave.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • According to USA Today, Willie can do

  • one-handed pull-ups,

  • one-handed push-ups,

  • fingertip push-ups,

  • [ Cheering ] and the push-ups where you put

  • your fingers in a diamond formation

  • and press your nose all the way to the floor.

  • You know what they call those kinda push-ups?

  • The burglar's nightmare.

  • [ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]

  • So how was she feeling

  • as this burglar was prowling around her house?

  • -It's kinda semi dark

  • and I'm alone

  • and I'm old.

  • But guess what. I'm tough.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] And you wanna know what happened?

  • He picked the wrong house to break into.

  • -This is the kind of story we need right now.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • 100%.

  • [ Whistling ] Most news stories make me wanna jump off a bridge.

  • This story makes me wanna jump onto a bridge.

  • Or whatever bull[bleep] they do at Crossfit.

  • [ Laughter ] So, Willie --

  • Willie's hiding in her house

  • and, when the burglar comes near her,

  • she grabs the closest thin she can find to protect herself.

  • A candlestick? No.

  • A rolling pin? No.

  • A table.

  • -I took that table

  • and I went to workin' on him

  • [ Laughter ] And guess what.

  • The table broke.

  • [ Laughter ] She picked up a table

  • and "Went to work on him"

  • [ Laughter ] and the table broke.

  • Most people her age are breaking hips.

  • She's breaking tables!

  • [ Cheering and applause ] So Willie

  • clobbers this man with a table What next?

  • -I'm runnin' in the kitchen.

  • There's a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

  • I grab the shampoo and guess what.

  • He's still on the ground.

  • In his face, all of it.

  • The whole thing.

  • [ Laughter ] -[laughing] She blinded hi

  • with shampoo.

  • Americans spend $11 billion a year on guns

  • and it turns out all we needed

  • was some Johnson & Johnson

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • You know?

  • You know what stops a bad guy with a gun?

  • Apparently, an old lady with a table and some shampoo.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] So, after the shampoo,

  • did Willie stop and show the guy some mercy?

  • She did not.

  • -And I got the broom and he's pullin' the broom

  • And I'm hittin' him.

  • I'm hittin' him with the broom hittin' him.

  • -She kicked a man's ass with shampoo and a broom!

  • I don't know if she's single

  • but I bet I know one guy who's interested.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • So, finally, after all that,

  • the police arrived and put the burglar in a cop car.

  • I'm just kidding. He was hurt so badly,

  • [laughing] they had to put him in an ambulance.

  • [ Laughter ] -'Cause I had really

  • did a number on that man.

  • [ Laughter ] I'm serious!

  • I think he was happy when he went in the ambulance.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, no, I'm sure.

  • I'm sure he was,

  • until he told [laughing] the paramedics what happened

  • and they laughed so hard,

  • they had to give themselves oxygen.

  • [ Laughter ] Despite the fact

  • that this burglar was caught red-handed,

  • Willie is not pressing charges

  • And of course not. She's too busy pressing

  • [laughing] 225.

  • -Ooh! -Plus, she wants that man roaming the streets

  • so she can find him and kick his ass again.

  • [ Laughter ] This is the kind of story we need right now.

  • In superhero stories, women are usually

  • insignificant side characters, but in this story,

  • Willie Murphy is the superhero

  • She saved the day and she did it

  • with a kind -- a very kind -

  • Christian attitude.

  • -I said to myself, "If it's my time to go to hell

  • I'm takin' him with me."

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Merry, merry, Christmas.

  • This has been "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."

  • ♪♪♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]

-I am going to tell you a stor

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