Name: Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News
Uploaded: 2019-11-25T20:05:29.000Z
Duration: 6 min 24 s
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Relative clauses (Restrictive vs. nonrestrictive)

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:00:05.538 --> 00:00:06.539 align:start position:0% IT'S FRIDAY! 00:00:06.573 --> 00:00:08.708 align:start position:0%  ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LISTEN TO THAT, JON. 00:00:08.741 --> 00:00:10.676 size:84% position:42% THAT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING. 00:00:10.709 --> 00:00:14.981 align:start position:0% THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD RIGHT THERE, THAT IS. 00:00:15.014 --> 00:00:16.983 align:start position:0%  ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ABSOLUTELY. 00:00:17.016 --> 00:00:19.018 align:start position:0% ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES. 00:00:19.051 --> 00:00:23.322 size:78% position:39% IT IS FRIDAY AND TRUMP IS THANKING GOD THAT IT IS.

BECAUSE HE'S HAD A ROUGH WEEK. 00:00:24.556 --> 00:00:25.624 align:start position:0% THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HAS BEEN SO DAMNING, TRUMP NEEDED HIS 00:00:25.658 --> 00:00:30.029 size:84% position:42% HOUSE REPUBLICAN BUDDIES TO BARGE INTO THE CLASSIFIED 00:00:30.062 --> 00:00:32.765 align:start position:0% TESTIMONY TO TRY TO SHUT IT DOWN.

WHEN THEY FINALLY DO MAKE THE TESTIMONY PUBLIC, HE'LL HAVE TO 00:00:37.703 --> 00:00:42.975 align:start position:0% SEND THOSE GUYS TO EVERY AMERICAN'S HOUSE TO BLOCK THEIR 00:00:43.008 --> 00:00:44.176 align:start position:0% TVs.

THERE ARE 18 DEMOCRATS VYING TO REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE THE 00:00:48.380 --> 00:00:52.318 align:start position:0% OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY 00:00:53.486 --> 00:00:55.088 align:start position:0% STYLE." 00:00:55.121 --> 00:00:56.556 size:88% position:44% >> GENDER-NEUTRAL BATHROOMS! 00:00:56.589 --> 00:01:02.028 size:84% position:42% >> Stephen: TONIGHT, IT'S A SOLEMN D-STYLE, BECAUSE WE 00:01:02.061 --> 00:01:09.202 align:start position:0% JUST A LITTLE LESS D.

NAMELY, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND MAN WHO RELEASED A DOVE THAT 00:01:11.103 --> 00:01:13.306 align:start position:0% FLEW DIRECTLY INTO A JET ENGINE, TIM RYAN.

THAT REALLY PAINTS A PICTURE. 00:01:18.144 --> 00:01:19.245 align:start position:0% YESTERDAY, RYAN ISSUED THIS ANNOUNCEMENT: 00:01:19.278 --> 00:01:20.580 align:start position:0% >> I'M ANNOUNCING TODAY THAT I'M WITHDRAWING FROM THE 00:01:20.613 --> 00:01:22.782 align:start position:0% PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. 00:01:22.815 --> 00:01:26.185 align:start position:0% I GOT INTO THIS RACE IN APRIL TO REALLY GIVE VOICE TO THE

>> Stephen: AND I CAN THINK OF NO BETTER VOICE TO REPRESENT THE 00:01:31.891 --> 00:01:35.261 align:start position:0% FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF AMERICA THAN... 00:01:35.294 --> 00:01:37.763 align:start position:0% HELP ME OUT HERE. 00:01:37.796 --> 00:01:41.968 align:start position:0% WAS IT... RYAN JIMMIES? 00:01:42.001 --> 00:01:43.169 align:start position:0% CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY? 00:01:43.202 --> 00:01:45.905 align:start position:0% IT'S THREE NAMES.

WELL, NOW THAT CONGRESSMAN CHAD IS GONE, LET'S REMOVE HIM FROM 00:01:48.474 --> 00:01:54.280 align:start position:0% OUR GIANT CLUSTER OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES. 00:01:54.313 --> 00:01:56.682 align:start position:0% AND... 00:01:56.715 --> 00:02:00.686 align:start position:0% IT LOOKS LIKE WE FORGOT TO PUT HIM IN THERE. 00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:02.054 align:start position:0% I DON'T SEE HIM. 00:02:02.087 --> 00:02:06.592 align:start position:0% ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAN WE JUST JAM HIM IN THERE 00:02:06.625 --> 00:02:07.627 align:start position:0% SOME PLACE, JIM. 00:02:07.660 --> 00:02:09.195 align:start position:0% THANK YOU! 00:02:09.228 --> 00:02:10.763 align:start position:0% GREAT. 00:02:10.796 --> 00:02:16.102 size:75% position:38% NOW LET'S TAKE HIM AWAY. 00:02:16.135 --> 00:02:25.011 align:start position:0%  ( APPLAUSE ) I THINK I HUFFED HIM. 00:02:25.044 --> 00:02:27.446 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) IN THE MONEY RACE, WALL STREET'S

DEMOCRATIC DONORS HAVE WARNED THE PARTY THAT IF THEY NOMINATE 00:02:31.750 --> 00:02:37.390 align:start position:0% ELIZABETH WARREN, THEY'LL SIT OUT OR BACK TRUMP.

SO IF YOU CAN'T HAVE EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, YOU'LL TAKE THE 00:02:43.128 --> 00:02:44.597 size:88% position:44% WORST THING YOU CAN IMAGINE. 00:02:44.630 --> 00:02:46.098 align:start position:0% WORST THING THERE IS. 00:02:46.131 --> 00:02:46.699 align:start position:0% "WE'RE ORDERING PIZZA? 00:02:46.732 --> 00:02:47.366 align:start position:0% SWEET. 00:02:47.399 --> 00:02:48.600 align:start position:0% I WANT PEPPERONI.

AND IF YOU ORDER MUSHROOM, I'M GOING TO HIT MYSELF IN THE NARDS 00:02:50.336 --> 00:02:51.571 size:75% position:38% WITH A BALL-PEEN HAMMER. 00:02:51.604 --> 00:02:52.672 align:start position:0% I DOLL IT! 00:02:52.705 --> 00:02:53.839 align:start position:0% I WILL DO IT! 00:02:53.872 --> 00:02:58.411 align:start position:0% DON'T MAKE ME!" WHY ARE THESE FINANCE DEMOCRATS 00:02:58.444 --> 00:03:01.047 align:start position:0% SO OPPOSED TO WARREN?

WELL, ONE WALL STREET DOUCHEWIG PUT IT THIS WAY: "WARREN IS AN

UNAPOLOGETIC POPULIST WHO WOULD REDUCE CORPORATE EARNINGS TO 00:03:06.185 --> 00:03:06.852 size:88% position:44% BENEFIT OTHER STAKEHOLDERS." 00:03:06.885 --> 00:03:08.421 align:start position:0% WHICH STAKEHOLDERS?

"WORKERS," THE "ENVIRONMENT," "THOSE WITH LOWER INCOMES," AND

FINALLY, "WOMEN AND MINORITIES." 00:03:13.626 --> 00:03:16.596 align:start position:0% BOO! 00:03:16.629 --> 00:03:21.434 align:start position:0% WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT INNOCENT CORPORATE EARNINGS? 00:03:21.467 --> 00:03:24.070 align:start position:0% THINK OF POOR DOWAGER JONES AND LITTLE TIMMY NASDAQ. 00:03:24.103 --> 00:03:26.272 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) THEY'RE GOING TO BE FORCED TO 00:03:26.305 --> 00:03:31.010 size:88% position:44% SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH THEIR SECOND-FAVORITE COKE DEALER. 00:03:31.043 --> 00:03:32.478 align:start position:0% DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE WORDS OF JESUS?

"IF YOU WANT TO BE PERFECT, GO, SELL YOUR POSSESSIONS AND GIVE 00:03:35.214 --> 00:03:36.482 size:84% position:42% IT ALL TO THE STOCK MARKET. 00:03:36.515 --> 00:03:37.450 align:start position:0% WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET COIN. 00:03:37.483 --> 00:03:40.486 align:start position:0% SUCK IT, MEEK!"  ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 00:03:40.519 --> 00:03:46.926 align:start position:0% "SUCK IT, MEEK!"  ( APPLAUSE ) 00:03:46.959 --> 00:03:48.394 align:start position:0% PARAPHRASING. 00:03:48.427 --> 00:03:48.894 align:start position:0% PARAPHRASING. 00:03:48.928 --> 00:03:49.929 align:start position:0% >> Jon: TRANSLATION. 00:03:49.962 --> 00:03:55.968 align:start position:0% IT'S A TRANSLATION >> Stephen: ONE BIG DONKEY DONOR 00:03:56.001 --> 00:03:59.438 align:start position:0% WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF WARREN IS FORMER GOLDMAN SACHS PARTNER AND 00:03:59.471 --> 00:04:03.776 align:start position:0% NEAL PATRICK HAIRLESS, MICHAEL NOVOGRATZ. 00:04:03.809 --> 00:04:06.145 align:start position:0% MR. NOVOGRATZ WAS INTERVIEWED BY "BLOOMBERG" ON FRIDAY, AND HE 00:04:06.178 --> 00:04:08.781 align:start position:0% TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO CHIDE HIS FELLOW MONEY BUDDIES: 00:04:08.814 --> 00:04:09.815 align:start position:0% "YOU'RE NOT VICTIMS. 00:04:09.848 --> 00:04:12.084 align:start position:0% YOU'RE THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. 00:04:12.117 --> 00:04:14.553 align:start position:0% HOW IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU FEEL LIKE A VICTIM?"

TO WHICH RICH PEOPLE RESPONDED, "WELL, IF I'M NOT GOD'S VICTIM, 00:04:19.258 --> 00:04:22.328 align:start position:0% THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE NAME OF MY YACHT?" 00:04:22.361 --> 00:04:29.335 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) AND WARREN'S NOT THE ONLY 00:04:29.368 --> 00:04:30.903 align:start position:0% CANDIDATE GIVING VOTERS SOME COLD FEET. 00:04:30.936 --> 00:04:32.438 size:81% position:41% ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," MANY ESTABLISHMENT 00:04:32.471 --> 00:04:33.873 align:start position:0% DEMOCRATS ARE ASKING, "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE?" 00:04:33.906 --> 00:04:35.107 align:start position:0% NO!

TIM RYAN HAD TO DROP OUT BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH PODIUMS! 00:04:37.543 --> 00:04:41.314 align:start position:0% YOU HAVE SO MANY OPTIONS, AND YOU'RE ASKING FOR MORE? 00:04:41.347 --> 00:04:43.382 align:start position:0% THAT'S LIKE SHOWING UP FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AND ASKING 00:04:43.415 --> 00:04:43.916 size:81% position:41% FOR A FIVE-FOOT PARTY SUB! 00:04:43.949 --> 00:04:46.352 align:start position:0% NO! 00:04:46.385 --> 00:04:47.987 align:start position:0% YOUR MOTHER WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS MEAL. 00:04:48.020 --> 00:04:50.823 align:start position:0% SHE LEARNED HOW TO STUFF A HICKENLOOPER. 00:04:50.856 --> 00:04:54.360 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) AND ASIDE FROM THE PRIMARY'S 00:04:54.393 --> 00:04:58.230 align:start position:0% FRONTRUNNERS, OTHER CANDIDATES ARE STRUGGLING TO STAY IN 00:04:58.263 --> 00:05:00.199 align:start position:0% THE NEWS, LIKE FORMER MARYLAND CONGRESSMAN AND HANK HILL'S 00:05:00.232 --> 00:05:05.638 align:start position:0% NEIGHBOR FROM "KING OF THE HILL," JOHN DELANEY. 00:05:05.671 --> 00:05:08.174 align:start position:0%  ( APPLAUSE ) REALLY GOOD. 00:05:08.207 --> 00:05:10.309 align:start position:0% REALLY GOOD.

THIS WEEK, DELANEY'S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED A PROMOTION WHERE

DONORS WILL BE ENTERED INTO A CONTEST TO WIN A SEAT NEXT TO 00:05:14.546 --> 00:05:19.251 align:start position:0% DELANEY AT THE FOURTH GAME OF THE WORLD SERIES. 00:05:19.284 --> 00:05:20.452 align:start position:0% WHICH, THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S A REALLY POSITIVE WAY TO REFRAME THE FACT THAT NOBODY 00:05:23.622 --> 00:05:28.527 align:start position:0% WANTED TO GO TO THE WORLD SERIES WITH JOHN DELANEY.

IN A PRESS RELEASE, DELANEY WROTE, "SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT 00:05:30.562 --> 00:05:31.597 align:start position:0% KNOW ABOUT ME IS THAT I'M A BIG BASEBALL FAN." 00:05:31.630 --> 00:05:33.265 align:start position:0% THANKS, JOHN. 00:05:33.298 --> 00:05:36.235 align:start position:0% ANOTHER THING I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU... 00:05:36.268 --> 00:05:39.338 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) IS ANYTHING. 00:05:39.371 --> 00:05:43.109 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  )  ( APPLAUSE ) 00:05:43.142 --> 00:05:50.850 align:start position:0% SO-- SORRY! 00:05:50.883 --> 00:05:54.587 align:start position:0%  (  LAUGHTER  ) AND OTHER DEMOCRATIC CONTENDERS 00:05:54.620 --> 00:05:56.989 align:start position:0% GOT IN ON THE GAME, LIKE MONTANA'S STEVE BULLOCK, WHO

TWEETED, "IT AIN'T THE WORLD SERIES, BUT IF YOU COME TO THE

CROSS TOWN GAME IN HELENA THIS WEEKEND, I'LL BUY YOU A COKE." 00:06:05.497 --> 00:06:06.632 align:start position:0% ADDING, "AND IF YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND 00:06:06.665 --> 00:06:07.667 align:start position:0% MICHAEL BENNET, I'LL BUY YOU A CAR."

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Dem Candidates Struggle To Impress Donors And Stay In The News

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