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  • 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,290 Spring is finally here.

  • Oh, boy.

  • It's exciting.

  • I'm seeing signs of it everywhere.

  • Kanye's Twitter account came out of hibernation.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • It is in full bloom.

  • And a lot of things are coming back to life.

  • There's one thing that is not coming back to life.

  • And that's Toys'R'Us.

  • They announced that they're going out of business.

  • Yep.

  • They're getting rid of their inventory.

  • And Barbie had to sell her dream house, get a job.

  • She's working at Hooters now.

  • It's really sad.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Yeah.

  • So I don't know if you're looking to buy toys.

  • But if you are, I want to help.

  • These are toys that I found on eBay.

  • And they should not be given to children.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • And these are 100% real, by the way.

  • 100% real.

  • Here is the first one.

  • This one is called Scottie Bagpipe.

  • 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,340 In case you were worried it wasn't authentic,

  • it says right there, "Sounds like a real bagpipe."

  • I looked it up.

  • Bagpipe is actually an old Irish word that means ear torture.

  • Every parent dreams of hearing the pitter

  • patter of little feet and the high pitched moan of a bagpipe.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • All right.

  • Here's another toy.

  • And this is from the '60s.

  • This is Hasbro's Think-a-Tron.

  • It says the machine thinks like a man.

  • It says, "It thinks, it answers, and it remembers."

  • And then it has a beer and goes to bed.

  • Actually, I was told that President Trump just named

  • this toy the new economic adviser.

  • Yeah.

  • [CLAPPING]

  • 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:42,380 All right.

  • Here's another toy right here.

  • And oh, what a catchy name.

  • This is the Flash Bubble Gun Cartoon Fish.

  • Flash Bubble Gun Cartoon Fish.

  • But here's what caught my eye.

  • Look down here.

  • It says on the package, "It will give you infinite pleasure."

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • 00:01:59,310 --> 00:02:02,550 That is a serious promise.

  • I mean, I would understand if it said hours of enjoyment.

  • But infinite pleasure.

  • Are the bubbles filled with motley?

  • What's happening in here?

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • 00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:15,799 All right.

  • Here's another one.

  • Before I unveil it, I found this toy.

  • I can't figure it out.

  • So I'm going to let you decide what's happening here.

  • It is called Bam Bam.

  • And there is a button on the side that says "Try Me."

  • So here's what happens when you do that.

  • [RAPID BUZZING AND CHATTERING]

  • 00:02:36,426 --> 00:02:37,410 Whoa!

  • [LAUGHING]

  • [GIGGLING]

  • Oh, no.

  • [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

  • Whoa.

  • Whoa.

  • [GIGGLING]

  • 00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:55,780 All right.

  • You can make your own joke there.

  • Something something infinite pleasure.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • [CLAPPING]

  • 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,540 So if you have kids, don't buy any of these toys.

  • And if you need somewhere to take your kids now that

  • Toys'R'Us is closing, take a look at this.

  • After filing for bankruptcy, Toys'R'Us will be closing all

  • of its US stores.

  • With more and more toy sales occurring online,

  • today's kids are left searching for a location

  • for their next epic meltdown.

  • [SCREAMING]

  • That's why we want to invite all kids to throw

  • their next tantrum at Chuck E Cheese.

  • Our carpeted floors are perfect for spreading out and getting

  • hysterical.

  • [CRYING]

  • We've got plenty of rides that you'll either

  • cry because you want to go on them,

  • or cry because you want to get off.

  • [CRYING]

  • It's up to you.

  • And in case you can't come up with a reason

  • to cry on your own, our mascot is a giant scary rat.

  • [CRYING]

  • Chuck E. Cheese.

  • One visit and your parents will wish we

  • were going out of business too.

  • [CLAPPING]

00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,290 Spring is finally here.

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