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  • The Addams family

  • (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

  • How exciting. Look at them go!

  • This is going to be the greatest train wreck in railroad history.

  • I'm gonna switch them onto the same track. Watch!

  • Wonderful.

  • Darling, you have such a way with trains.

  • I suppose so.

  • Weren't you happy with it?

  • I thought it was your finest wreck.

  • Perhaps it was. But I've just realized,

  • if you wreck one train, you wreck them all.

  • Sometimes I almost wish they'd miss each other.

  • Gomez, what a shocking thought.

  • Maybe we've just gotten into a rut.

  • We do seem to be doing the same things over and over again.

  • Our morning stroll through the swamp.

  • Fencing across the lunch table.

  • (GROANING)

  • Darling, why don't you come and have a nice hot cup of henbane?

  • It'll soothe your nerves.

  • (BOX CREAKING)

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • Darling.

  • Thank you.

  • Darling, maybe we should take a trip somewhere.

  • Tombstone or... Or Death Valley.

  • Some fun place.

  • Perhaps.

  • Ah, good morning, darling.

  • Would you like a bite? Chew your food.

  • (GULPING)

  • No, no. Cleopatra, you'll spoil your lunch.

  • Darling, maybe we should have some people in.

  • That nice Mr. Harris.

  • He always seemed to enjoy himself here.

  • That would be pleasant, but I'm afraid Mr. Harris

  • won't have the time for us any longer.

  • Did you see the paper this morning?

  • No, darling, I haven't read the paper yet.

  • He has a new job working for the government.

  • "Foreign diplomats visiting our city.

  • "Roger L. Harris to conduct tour for VIPs."

  • There's a picture.

  • They certainly seem to be enjoying the tour.

  • Well, I--I hope you'll enjoy the places

  • we're going to see today, gentlemen.

  • We will not enjoy.

  • Frankly, Washington is quite upset about your lack of enthusiasm so far.

  • So?

  • They seem to blame me for it.

  • If I fail to give you a good impression of our country, well...

  • Well, it'll mean the axe for me.

  • Miri Haan, take note.

  • Note I take.

  • If guide fails assignment, Washington masters will chop off head.

  • Naturally.

  • No, I don't mean they'll chop my head off.

  • I mean they'll fire me.

  • And then set fire to him.

  • Destroy evidence.

  • Gentlemen, look, you, you take our language too literally.

  • For two days now your Washington masters have shown us phony tour.

  • They only show us what they want us to see.

  • You do not show us the real America.

  • The downtrodden masses slaving under bureaucratic whip.

  • We want to see the people. The real peoples!

  • Peoples.

  • All right. All right, anything you say.

  • You can see anybody you want to.

  • Good. We choose honest way. By chance.

  • We stick pin into phone book. Wherever pin strikes we go.

  • All right with me.

  • Miri Haan, phone book.

  • I'll get a pin.

  • (BOTH GRUNTING IN DISSENT)

  • We use our own pin.

  • Always.

  • (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

  • Eeny, meeny, miney, boom!

  • (GASPS)

  • What's the matter, Tish? Something wrong?

  • Oh, that's strange. I felt just as though I'd been stuck with a pin.

  • The Addams. Oh no, no, no, they're, no...

  • They're off limits.

  • (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

  • Excuse me, sir. Please don't go in there.

  • A-ha!

  • Guide begs us not to go in. Why?

  • Why?

  • Because we have found real American family, not phony bureaucratic setup.

  • That's not so.

  • And government will chop off his head for this.

  • Poor fellow.

  • Come. We go see some real Americans.

  • Look, fellows, I know where there's a dandy little bar downtown

  • with beautiful dancing girls. You'll have a ball there.

  • A-ha!

  • Miri, take note. Guide tries to bribe us but we refuse.

  • We are strong men.

  • We go later.

  • Now we go see typical American family.

  • Very interesting.

  • I take note.

  • Mrs. Addams, you have a very interesting house here.

  • I have seen nothing like it before in America.

  • Well, it's nothing out of the ordinary, but we like it.

  • MORTICIA: And I'm so glad you gentlemen could come.

  • You've brightened our day immensely.

  • Harris, it was very nice of you to bring them here.

  • Well, it wasn't my idea...

  • He was very eager for us to meet

  • average American family, is not so, Mr. Harris?

  • I keep telling you! The Addams are not an average family at all.

  • How sweet.

  • Don't be turning our heads with flattery.

  • I do wish I'd known you were coming.

  • I could've planned some sort of amusement.

  • Oh, no, please. We wish to observe everyday routine. Agreed?

  • MORTICIA: Whatever you wish.

  • Psst.

  • Our house is your house, gentlemen.

  • Mr. Haan, may I offer you a cigar?

  • Here, have one.

  • I will save for later.

  • Let's join the conversation.

  • Psst.

  • Mr. Haan, sit down.

  • Uh, Miri Haan, you're smoking.

  • Oh, no, I save for later.

  • Mr. Haan, I'm terribly sorry.

  • I should've warned you it was a live cigar.

  • I begged you not to come here in the first place.

  • Well, gentlemen, we'd better be running along.

  • I'm, I'm sure you've seen enough. And I think...

  • We send this back home to laboratory.

  • (GROWLING)

  • I had no idea it was so late.

  • If you gentlemen will excuse me,

  • it's time to go feed my plants.

  • Yes, they get pretty cranky when they're hungry.

  • Plants? Plants get hungry?

  • Cranky?

  • Well, after all, they're only human.

  • I'm quite proud of Mrs. Addams' hothouse.

  • She's raised these plants from tiny weeds.

  • Darling, would you?

  • (SIZZLING)

  • Gardening is all a matter of proper feeding.

  • And these plants just love meat.

  • Meat?

  • Especially when it's medium rare.

  • Yes, they're really meat eaters. I've seen them.

  • Especially that one. It's a regular little glutton.

  • Oh no, no, no. Cleopatra, really.

  • Mr. Harris was only joking, darling.

  • She's really a sweet little thing.

  • She's terribly young.

  • Not very S-M-A-R-T.

  • But she's learning.

  • Open up, sweetheart.

  • (SLURPING)

  • Have some more. There.

  • Yes.

  • (GULPING)

  • This is plant, not animal?

  • And it is learning?

  • (WHISPERING) She's quite slow, actually.

  • She's three years old and she can't even feed herself yet.

  • Open up, sweetheart.

  • Excuse me.

  • (SLURPING)

  • This is big thing we have discovered. Big.

  • Very big.

  • They've learnt to breed plants

  • that have the intelligence of humans.

  • And a mere woman has done this. An American woman.

  • Perhaps, uh, they have gone further than this, huh?