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  • (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

  • They're creepy and they're kooky

  • Mysterious and spooky

  • They're altogether ooky

  • The Addams family

  • The house is a museum

  • When people come to see 'em

  • They really are a scream

  • The Addams family

  • MAN: Neat.

  • Sweet.

  • Petite.

  • So get a witch's shawl on

  • ♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

  • We're gonna pay a call on

  • The Addams family

  • (MOANING)

  • A little higher and, uh, to the right, Thing.

  • Yes.

  • That's it.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • (ALARM SOUNDING)

  • The mail's in.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • Oh, Lurch, it's for you.

  • Aren't you going to open it and see what's in it?

  • I already know.

  • It's your annual invitation to the Butlers' Ball.

  • Which you never accept.

  • Lurch, wouldn't you like to go to that ball just once?

  • (GROANING)

  • Why doesn't he want to go to that ball?

  • He's becoming progressively shyer.

  • Did it ever occur to you that he might not be normal?

  • Nonsense, my dear.

  • He's just as normal as you and I.

  • But he should go to that ball.

  • It would be very good for him.

  • He needs to get out more.

  • Make more friends.

  • Perhaps you're right. But I can handle this situation.

  • I'm sure you can, darling.

  • You're so masterful.

  • Tish, when you pat my cheek that way it drives me wild.

  • Gomez, darling, control yourself.

  • Never.

  • Darling, you're forgetting about Lurch.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • You rang?

  • Ah, yes, Lurch, I, I think we have a problem.

  • The problem is you, Lurch.

  • Me?

  • Mrs. Addams and I have had a serious talk about you, Lurch,

  • and we've decided that this year

  • you should attend the Butlers' Ball.

  • (GROANING)

  • Lurch, there's something behind this.

  • What is it? You can tell us.

  • I'm a wallflower.

  • What?

  • I can't dance.

  • It's so simple. You can learn in no time.

  • ♪ "Come, and trip it as ye go On the light fantastic toe" ♪

  • Shakespeare.

  • Milton.

  • By Jove, you're right.

  • Lurch, you can learn to dance.

  • The Watusi,

  • the Hully Gully, the Pick and Shovel...

  • Oh, no.

  • You must develop some outside interests.

  • You can become stagnant.

  • Really?

  • Look at Mr. Addams.

  • He's always developing outside interests.

  • Right now I have the most enviable collection

  • of coroner's reports in the neighborhood.

  • (GROANING)

  • Lurch, we're speaking to you this way

  • because you're more than an employee to us.

  • You're like one of the family.

  • (GROANING)

  • And as head of the family I've decided that you're going to the Butlers' Ball.

  • It's for your own good, Lurch.

  • We wanna make you happy.

  • Look, it's so simple.

  • One, two, three. One, two, three.

  • (GROANING)

  • We'll get you a teacher.

  • That's a marvelous idea, dear.

  • Why don't you call the dance studio

  • and have them send over an instructress right away?

  • A girl?

  • Well, of course.

  • Father was right.

  • About what, Lurch?

  • My being a butler.

  • What did he want you to be?

  • A jockey.

  • Okay, Mrs. Marshall, we'll send an instructress right over.

  • Yes, I'll make sure she's young.

  • Dorothy.

  • Go over to Mrs. Marshall's.

  • Her grandfather wants to learn the Mashed Potato.

  • Please, Mr. Walters, give me another chance.

  • Sally, I'm sorry.

  • You're too fresh to the customer.

  • (TELEPHONE RINGING)

  • But, Mr. Walters...

  • Fred Walters Dance Studio.

  • I'm sorry, we got nobody available.

  • I'm available.

  • Uh, Mr. Addams, we suddenly have somebody available.

  • Yeah, right.

  • Girlie, anything you earn on this job is all yours.

  • Here. Good luck.

  • Dance instructress should be here any minute now.

  • Morticia, who moved this urn?

  • I don't know, darling. Mama, I suppose. I didn't notice.

  • Really, my dear. You should keep an eye on these things.

  • You know how close Uncle Droop liked being to Aunt Drip.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • Ah, must be the instructress.

  • GOMEZ: Lurch.

  • Yes, sir.

  • Dance instructress is here, Lurch.

  • (GROANING)

  • Now, come, Lurch. There's nothing to be afraid of.

  • It's just a question of rhythm, Lurch.

  • We'll leave you alone and let you have complete privacy.

  • There's no need to be self-conscious.

  • Excellent idea.

  • Oh, and, Lurch, do try to be a little friendly.

  • Let her see that charming leer of yours.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • (MUSIC PLAYING)

  • (SCRAPING)

  • Great form, Lurch.

  • But you're not keeping time to the music.

  • One, two, three. One, two, three.

  • One, two, three.

  • Rhythm, Lurch. Rhythm.

  • GOMEZ: One, two, three. One, two, three.

  • She's fainted, sir.

  • Fainted? That's strange.

  • Why would she do that?

  • Here, put her on the sofa.

  • What's the matter with the lady?

  • (CROAKING)

  • Well, there she goes again.

  • Pugsley, take your toad out of here.

  • Things like this upset him.

  • She's obviously not a well person.

  • Quick. Someone get a glass of water.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • Well, there she goes again.

  • What's all the commotion, Gomez?

  • Fred Walters sent us a fainter.

  • Oh. Well, maybe we better get her some smelling salts.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • I'll have to make a complaint.

  • Oh, no, don't do that.

  • I always faint when I meet new people.

  • Oh, you poor dear, you must be painfully shy.

  • Oh, no, I'm really very friendly.

  • One, two, three. One, two, three.

  • Not me, him.

  • Oh, sorry.

  • All right, buster.

  • (CRACKLING)

  • (THUDDING)

  • I didn't know fainting was contagious.

  • (METALLIC CLANKING)

  • Practicing your sword swallowing, darling?

  • No, I just felt a little congestion in my throat.

  • That cleared it up fine.

  • Dear, I can't find Lurch.

  • He did seem depressed by all that Butlers' Ball talk.

  • You don't suppose he did anything drastic, do you?

  • Of course not.

  • Otherwise your little vulture would be circling the area.