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  • The Addams family

  • A-ha!

  • GOMEZ: Caught in the act.

  • Gomez, darling, you startled me.

  • What a thing for a husband to see.

  • On the day when an old suitor is coming to visit,

  • he finds his wife striving to make herself even more beautiful.

  • Darling, Lionel Barker was not an old suitor.

  • He's just a childhood friend.

  • Yet when you got his letter, your eyes lit up like candles in a cave.

  • You need be jealous of no one.

  • I've been yours since that first day

  • you carved my initials in your leg.

  • And I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding

  • sidesaddle on a buffalo.

  • Querido.

  • Querida.

  • Then you don't mind that I plan to ask Lionel to be our houseguest?

  • Not at all. I want him to see what a lovely home we have.

  • Would you like to see what I've done with the guest room?

  • Delighted.

  • Though it may give me a twinge.

  • (GROANS)

  • Charming, absolutely charming.

  • I knew you'd be pleased.

  • Mmm-hmm.

  • How did you ever think of all these homey little touches?

  • Just a knack.

  • Oh, will you look at that?

  • (CAWING)

  • This mattress, it's harder than ours.

  • No mattress, silly.

  • Natural wood. Knotty pine.

  • Superb.

  • Do you really think Lionel will like it?

  • If he's a man of taste, and I'm sure he is.

  • Uh, look, Lionel, you think it's worth it?

  • Going into that creep joint, I mean.

  • As I remember this Morticia dame,

  • she's even spookier than this house.

  • I know they got dough, lots of it, and we need some now.

  • What're you gonna give them?

  • That uranium stock spiel?

  • I have a feeling they're more the phony oil stock type.

  • Now, wait here and keep your fingers crossed, Charlie.

  • (FOGHORN SOUNDING)

  • Yes?

  • Uh, I...

  • Mrs. Addams is expecting me.

  • I'm Lionel Barker.

  • Follow me.

  • You're the butler?

  • Lurch, sir.

  • Lurch.

  • (BRUNO GROWLING)

  • Pardon me.

  • Lionel?

  • Morticia!

  • Lionel, how good to see you.

  • You haven't changed a bit.

  • Except that she's married now.

  • Oh, this is my husband, Gomez Addams.

  • Lionel Barker.

  • You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr. Addams.

  • Yes, a man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • It's quite a place you have here.

  • As long as you're in town, it's your home.

  • Oh, no, really, I couldn't.

  • We insist. We'll send for your bags.

  • Uh, they're right outside.

  • I happened to bring them with me.

  • How fortunate. Darling.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • You rang?

  • Lurch, Mr. Barker's bags are outside.

  • Please take them to the guest room.

  • Perhaps our Mr. Barker would like to join us in a cup of tea.

  • Oh, that would be marvelous.

  • And we can chat about those glorious, gloomy days of our youth.

  • (SIGHING)

  • Those were the fun days.

  • Yes.

  • Do you remember the first time we met?

  • I was in the garden, playing with Hubert and Henery.

  • And you strolled by, and I asked you in.

  • And I said I'd come in if you got rid of Hubert and Henery.

  • MORTICIA: I never understood why.

  • They were such adorable vultures.

  • Just not my type, I guess.

  • Darling, I'm afraid we're leaving you out of the conversation.

  • Oh, you know how it is when old friends get together.

  • Excuse me, I have an urgent call to make.

  • Must you, dear? We'll miss you.

  • Oh, Mr. Barker will be able to amuse you while I'm gone.

  • Hope I didn't upset him.

  • Gomez?

  • Oh, dear Gomez.

  • There's not a jealous bone in his body.

  • "You know how it is when old friends get together."

  • Wonderful, wonderful.

  • Says we're gonna have a big storm tomorrow.

  • Uncle Fester, I'm baring my soul to you, and you just stand there

  • casually reading your newspaper, and last year's.

  • I've been trying to catch up on my reading.

  • This is the first quiet moment I've spent in this thing in days.

  • Mama practically lives in it.

  • You know something? She's getting selfish in her old age.

  • Fester, what am I going to do about Lionel?

  • Who's Lionel?

  • (GROANS)

  • Lionel?

  • Oh, I really had a case on you in those days.

  • Even wrote a poem about you.

  • Oh, yes, a very romantic one, if I remember correctly.

  • I've kept it with all my other treasures, down in the basement.

  • Pretty silly stuff, really.

  • I don't think so at all.

  • How did it go again?

  • LIONEL: "Morticia, you are the only one for me.

  • "I know I shall always want you for my very own."

  • Oh.

  • Can it be true, Uncle Fester? Can she actually be smitten with this Lionel?

  • Who's Lionel?

  • Fester.

  • Oh, that Lionel. Must be.

  • Just going off riding with him.

  • I engineered that so we could talk.

  • Well, still, forgetting to feed her plants.

  • Poor things, they're nearly starved.

  • They won't even let me feed them.

  • A hideous how do you do.

  • Why don't you throw him out?

  • I couldn't.

  • She would have thought that I was jealous.

  • Are you?

  • Of course.

  • It's gnawing at my insides, like a tiger gnawing at an antelope.

  • I wish it would stop. I'm beginning to enjoy it.

  • Well, you gotta get rid of him somehow.

  • I have a plan.

  • We'll make it so uncomfortable for him that he'll want to leave.

  • And I'll need your help.

  • You can count on me.

  • First, we rearrange his room.

  • Oh, brilliant!

  • Well, no use letting this go to waste.

  • Why doesn't she cook this for us?

  • (BIRD TWITTERING)

  • Ah, it's horrible, Gomez. Just horrible.

  • Yes, we've done a magnificent job.

  • It's more than any man could stand.

  • Lionel is going to run screaming into the night.

  • Feel this mattress.

  • Ecch.

  • Listen to this.

  • Just listen to that awful bird.

  • I can't stand it. Let's get out of here.

  • I can't wait till tomorrow morning at breakfast, just Morticia and me.

  • No Lionel.

  • That's the best breakfast I've had in days.

  • Gomez, darling, you haven't touched yours.

  • Oh, I've lost my appetite.

  • I must say, you folks are wonderful hosts.

  • Oh, that room.

  • That beautiful, soft, downy bed.

  • And that gorgeous canary singing me to sleep.

  • And those carnations.

  • In your room?

  • Y-Y-You really liked them?

  • Loved them.

  • Well, I must call my business associate.

  • Excuse me.

  • Oh, by the way, I, uh, I dabble in stocks

  • and I might be able to put you onto something good.

  • We'll discuss it a little later, okay?

  • (GRUNTS)

  • Gomez, I don't see how you could have done

  • such a terrible thing to our guest.

  • Yes, I do. You're jealous.

  • Me?

  • Jealous?

  • That's laughable.

  • No, no, Charlie. I'm not stalling.

  • I gotta give the guy the buildup.

  • Just sit tight and pretty soon we'll split a bundle.

  • Yeah, bye-bye.

  • You know, when I'm through here, Gomez,

  • you ought to stretch out for a while. Wonderful picker-upper.

  • I don't have time.

  • We must concoct another scheme to break up this romance.

  • I have it. A diversionary tactic.

  • Another woman.

  • Oh, that's good. You mean to come between him and Morticia, huh?

  • Right. A seductive creature with an irresistible allure.

  • Now, where can we find one?

  • How about Grandmama?

  • You know, the merry widow.

  • No, Grandmama prefers taller men.

  • But she is the type we want.

  • Maybe we could get my old sweetheart, Queenie.

  • No, she'd never leave the circus.

  • Those bearded ladies make a fortune.

  • If only he hadn't seen Lurch.

  • You know, he'd be ideal in a wig and a dress.

  • If only Lurch were a maid instead of a butler.

  • That's it. A maid.

  • I'll hire a maid from an employment agency.

  • I'll insist on one who is interested in getting married.

  • Hmm, good.

  • Right this way, Miss... What is your name?

  • Mildred, sir.

  • Gee, this place is sort of spooky.

  • Thank you.

  • Now, about your duties...

  • Oh, no. I'm not staying.

  • I think I can change your mind, miss.

  • You don't have that much money.

  • But I do have a houseguest.

  • A dashing young bachelor who would find you most attractive.

  • A man, sir?

  • The kind who needs a wife. In fact, he is seeking one desperately,

  • and it could be you.

  • Well, this isn't such a bad place after all.

  • Your room is right in there.

  • A-ha.

  • Well, Uncle Fester, it looks like we have a winner.

  • A knockout.

  • Those tiny eyes shining through her glasses.

  • And did you notice the way her knees knock together?

  • Uncle Fester, at your age.

  • I've still got an eye for beauty.

  • By tomorrow, Lionel will be her slave.

  • Is there anything I could bring you, sir?

  • No, no.

  • Tea or coffee? Milk? Vegetable juice?

  • No, no, no and no.

  • What's the matter with you, anyway?

  • You followed me all over the place last night.

  • When I turned in, I looked under the bed

  • to make sure you weren't there.

  • Now there you go again.

  • She's not making much progress.

  • Too shy.

  • Oh, I'll light it for you, sir.

  • That does it.

  • This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.

  • You?

  • In my younger days, I had women eating out of my hand.

  • A bit messy, wasn't it?

  • You're simply too timid. You've got to move in on him.

  • You mean chase him?

  • I mean catch him.

  • Grab him in your arms, like this.

  • And pour out your heart.

  • No longer can I hide my feelings, my love.

  • Give me your lips.

  • (GASPS)

  • There, have you got it now?

  • Where is Lionel? Which way did he go?

  • Never mind. I'll find him.

  • (SOBBING)

  • Oh, thank you, Thing.

  • I'm sorry to make a spectacle of myself, Thing.

  • But my world has come down around my ears.

  • There's another woman.

  • No, it's true, there is.

  • I know you can be blase about it.

  • You've never been married.

  • Or have you?

  • I thought not.

  • Thing, what am I gonna do?

  • No, no. No violence.

  • Not even hair-pulling.

  • Nor eye-scratching.

  • (SIGHS)

  • Thank you, anyway, Thing.

  • Thing?

  • Wish me luck.

  • Thank you, Thing.

  • You're a true friend.

  • Oh, I didn't know you were out here, Morticia.

  • Uncle Fester, I know why Gomez brought that, that woman into this house.

  • Oh, you do, huh?

  • Well, so do I, and I think it's a fine idea.

  • A fine idea? No, no. Cleopatra, no.

  • I will not condone violence. Down, girl.

  • I think I'll go upstairs to my room and lie down for a while.

  • (TICKER TAPE MACHINE TICKING)

  • I'm going up the back stairs.

  • You see?

  • Everything worked out fine, smarty.

  • You hit me in the nose.

  • Well, well, well. Checking your stocks, I see. How're they going?

  • Up, naturally.

  • You know, you, uh, you folks have been wonderful to me, Gomez.

  • In fact, I'm, uh, very fond of the whole family.

  • Especially Morticia, hmm?

  • Oh.

  • I've always had a warm spot for her.

  • What I started to say was, I'm going to do you a big favor.

  • You see, a pal of mine is the president

  • of the South Tasmanian Oil Corporation...

  • If your pal put your money into South Tasmanian Oil,

  • you ought to have him boiled in it.

  • The market is bullish today, Lionel.

  • I mean, Mr. Barker.

  • Bullish?

  • You mean, you really dig this jazz?

  • Well, I've always put my money into stocks.

  • Let's not talk about stocks, Mildred.

  • Let's talk about you.

  • Me?

  • Come.

  • Let me gaze into your big, beautiful, blue chip... Eyes.

  • Is something wrong?

  • Tell me.

  • I think you know what's darkened our lives.

  • Yes, I fear I do.

  • The hands that should caress my loving feet now caress the dragon.

  • But who are you caressing in your mind?

  • Not me.

  • Oh, Gomez, please leave me.

  • I can't talk now. I must think.

  • (COUGHING)

  • Very well. If that's what you want, I'll go.

  • I, too, must think.

  • (COUGHS)

  • There is no longer any doubt about it.

  • She's in love with Lionel.

  • Well, what are you going to do?

  • The only decent thing I can do.

  • Leave this life, and let Morticia marry the man she loves.

  • You mean you're going to kill yourself?

  • Of course not.

  • Suicide is the coward's way out.

  • I'm going to let you kill me.

  • Me? Ah, you're my favorite nephew, Gomez.

  • You've been nice to me. I like you.

  • All I ask is one small favor.

  • Shoot me.

  • Well, if I refuse, I'd be an ingrate.

  • All right, stand over by the wall.

  • Thank you, Uncle Fester.

  • You're a true friend.

  • Ready.

  • Aim. Fire.

  • I would like to be shot, Uncle Fester, not drowned.

  • I'm sorry, this must be one of the children's guns.

  • But I'll do better next time.

  • You must. It's the only bullet we have.

  • Now, close your eyes.

  • (BULLET RICOCHETS)

  • Lurch, I hope you're a better hangman

  • than Uncle Fester was a marksman.

  • (GROANING)

  • It's my rope, isn't it, Gomez?

  • I furnished the rope.

  • Oh, that's a bit scratchy.

  • Better, sir?

  • Oh, that's fine. Thank you, Lurch.

  • Very comfortable.

  • Would you throw the other end of the rope up over the rafter?

  • No, no, wait a minute. It's my rope. I can...

  • All I have to do is just throw it up over this rafter like this.

  • What's the matter with that thing?

  • Uncle Fester, do you recall where you got that rope years ago?

  • Sure, don't you remember? I got it from an old friend of mine,

  • Raj Maja, the Indian fakir.

  • Yeah, he used to throw it up in the air, then he'd climb...

  • Still works, doesn't it?

  • It's no use, Lurch.

  • Apparently, I am doomed to live.

  • Sorry, sir.

  • (GONG RESOUNDING)

  • You rang?

  • Gad, she's lovely.

  • How could I live without her?

  • Yet I must.

  • Morticia, I must speak to you.

  • And I to you.

  • Gomez, we've had a long and happy marriage.

  • Yes, we have, indeed.

  • Our life together has been filled with joy.

  • Until now.

  • I've heard of other marriages,

  • where someone new has come along...

  • And love grew cold.

  • And husband and wife have come to the parting of the ways.

  • We have come to the parting of the ways, Gomez.

  • Our hour has struck.

  • We've gotta do something, Lurch.

  • Soothing music?

  • To the harpsichord.

  • What will be, will be. I have no regrets.

  • Nor do I.

  • (SCRAPING)

  • (PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

  • All I want is your happiness.

  • My only wish is to make you happy.

  • Now that you're in love with someone else, I'll step aside.

  • Though my heart is breaking, I'll freely give you up,

  • so you can go away with Mildred.

  • So you can go away with Lionel.

  • Mildred?

  • Lionel?

  • Somebody call us?

  • I don't want Mildred.

  • I thought you were in love...

  • With Lionel? Me?

  • Querido.

  • Querida.

  • We just dropped in to give you the good news.

  • We're off on our honeymoon.

  • Honeymoon?

  • You're married?

  • About an hour ago. At City Hall.

  • Congratulations.

  • That's wonderful.

  • Well, let's go, baby.

  • Oh, Gomez, I'm so happy for them.

  • I'm even happier for us.

  • If I wasn't such a rotten shot,

  • you wouldn't be here, would you?

  • What's this?

  • (SIGHS) I nearly did an impulsive thing, my dear.

  • But my guardian spirit was looking after me.

  • Somebody down there likes me.

  • Somebody up here likes you, too, bubele.

  • There.

  • "When the blazing sun has turned to mud

  • "and the moon lies dead in a pool of blood,

  • "and the tom-tom beat of eternity starts,

  • "whom will I love in my heart of hearts?

  • "Morticia."

  • Gomez, that's beautiful.

  • (THUNDER RUMBLING)

  • And it's such a perfect night for poetry.

  • I just wanted to show you that

  • Lionel's not the only one who can write poetry for you.

  • Oh, Lionel.

  • He couldn't hold a candle to you.

  • Hmm.

  • Perhaps we should let him try it sometime.

  • Might be a fascinating experience.

  • No, he'll be too busy for that.

  • Oh?

  • Working night and day, poor chap.

  • Those stocks his wife owns, down to nothing.

  • Really?

  • Well, things like that don't matter,

  • not when you marry for love.

The Addams family

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