B1 Intermediate UK 953 Folder Collection
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The following video material originates from the movie "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" that was
lovingly made by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. But it's been turned by new audio into a twisted, dirty and chaotic world...
...full of unnecessary vulgar language, bad jokes about minorities and without structured plot
And now have fun with:
"Harry Potter and the secret Porn Basement"
Oh God, stop it, it's unbearable!
- No! -Shut your beak!
- Now just listen to it! - Shut your beak!
Hey, if I've got a boner, I have to wank.
Yes, but you can you not at least stop this terrible music?
- Hey, that's' s a classic! - Turn off that gay music you wanker!
You all have no taste in music.
I have no idea where to put the cherry, definitely not on this empty space.
Hey, what's up?
Your uncle wants to talk to you about this thing you're always doing upstairs
Did you wank again, or what?
That's really disgusting! You're sick, boy.
Yeah, you know what's also sick? A guy who's three times fatter than me,
Who let's his wife bake a cake, while he rapes his son.
Oh, that's not true at all. Turn around, boy!
Let me straighten your bow tie. Do you like it when I touch you like this?
Hey, I can jerk whenever I want. After all, I'm Harry Potter, I'm famous, respect me!
- Daddy only loves me! - Listen,
You're only gonna be respected in this house, when you stop satisfying yourself.
As long as you have your penis under my table, you do respectable things with it,
like ordinary people, like me.
Ah, now Fatty has touched the cake with his bogey fingers, but otherwise it's good, you can still eat it.
My asshole is so wide, I can stick my head through it.
And they say I was sick.
Let's see if I can break my record of jizzing three times in a row now.
I am the Gilb, I make white clothes gray and dirty.
A stain dwarf!
Do you also have problems with stains, which are difficult to clean?
You know, I got the white giant,
and when I cum with it, then makes the really special stains, if you know what I mean.
Oh, that was really not in the job description.
You know, I only sell detergent
and old, rotten towels, which you can wear as T-Shirts like I do, but they don't sell that well.
Are you interested in buying?
No, but I'd like a blowjob!
You probably think I'm buyable for everything?
Not that I would reject it, I really need the money.
Hey I'm sorry, you happen to be the perfect blowjob size
and I'll pull him out if you have to puke, okay?
Oh, Dobby has taken part in much worse things for money:
Sick sex games with piss and shit,
Animal porn,
- Worked at "McDonald's" ... - Oh God!
And you only want a blowjob?
You know, right now I would really fuck anything! Even an ugly gnome like you.
Thank you!
I will demonstrate my blowjob technique on this wardrobe.
- You really don't have to demonstrate it on the wardrobe. - And now in the ear!
I believe you that you can do it without any proof.
That's just our nephew and he's fucking, uuuh
the cat.
Did I just say that out loud?
Ey now stop it, they'll think I'm fucking the cat or something!
What? You fuck a cat?
That doesn't mean that I ever did that.
Oh, you can't shock Dobby with anything anymore. The family I live with is pretty kinky, you know?
I can not say the name, but it begins with "M" and ends with "alfoy".
That's too complicated for me.
But you should know the boy, he goes to your school.
He is smeared all over with lube, heven his hair is dripping with it.
Do you know the term "crawl in someone's ass"? He literally does that!
And his father
is not his father but his mother!
Allegedly he impregnated himself, with a
Oh, you mean Draco Malfoy and his Sugar Daddy.
Oh no! You
guessed it! And I wanted to
- keep it secret! - That was really not...
- I have to bash my head in with an Ikea lamp! - that hard of a riddle.
Hey, my lamp!
Hey, my beautiful Ikea lamp!
And then he said: "Now I know, we are on Pluto!"
And I said...
Now let go of my lamp! I'm going to put you in the closet, you little fucker!
How many times have I told you, that you are forbidden to masturbate in this house ?!
I didn't fap.
Don't fuck the cat either, that's just as bad.
I didn't fuck the cat.
- At least not today. - Do you know this one? This is the brother of the middle finger,
I'll show you that one next time!
And I don't want to know what you're hiding in the closet!
No cat.
If you saw dildos in the closet, by any chance,
they don't belong to me I borrowed them.
No, I found them!
No! They...
They were already here when I moved in.
And what if Dobby found nudes of Harry Potter?
So what? Everybody knows them already. They hang in the common room.
But Dobby has to blackmail Harry Potter with something, to get money.
How else am I supposed to pay all those taxes from the GEZ?
I have five televisions that are not registered.
Did you just pull these bills
out of your ass?
It's become pretty flexible by now.
Hey, come here!
Hey! Hey, stop running, shorty!
Hey! Hey, come here!
Hey, I don't want a blowjob anymore!
I want to stick something in your ass, too!
- Come here and let me fuck you! - ... And Dudley,
has now become a very big boy.
You can do magic! I can't.
Yes, ever noticed that you never used magic in your first film,
even though you're a wizard?
Hey, I'm still learning magic, I'm attending Hogwarts after all.
At Hogwarts, you will learn how to get rid of your gag reflex, but you won't learn magic, just like me.
Have a look!
I want to be able to do that, too!
- Get out of the way! - Ow!
I have an idea:
I'm going to follow the pie like this so
that it looks like, I'm the one making it levitate
Yeah look! I can do magic, too!
- Oh, now the pie fell on her head, - Crap.
- But otherwise it's good, you can still eat it. - My beautiful suit!
You're never going to see your
abnormal friends again!
never again!
- Never again! - I think you dialed the wrong number.
- Oh sorry. - No problem.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Isn't this Privet Drive no. 4, where Harry Potter lives?
No here is Privat Drive no. 4, Privet Drive No. 4 is two blocks ahead!
Oh sorry, that we destroyed your house.
Oh, no problem!
No problem...
There! The house down there. That must be it!
The one that stands out from the others! The one with the roof and
- the window! - I hope it's the right house this time.
Yes, what just happened to us happens just...
three out of four times, right?
- Hi Harry! - Hi Harry!
Ron! Torsten! Torben!
What are you doing here?
Well, we want to destroy Muggle houses.
Yours too. Come on out!
Warm socks, Vaseline, I'm ready.
All right.
Start driving, Torsten!
I am Torben.
What is that?
- Whoosh! -So, What's going on here?
Now he's gonna get it , the little brat!
Get in there!
Come on, move!
Quick, give me your dove!
That's a ... Oh!
I'll get you!
Stay right there!
Let me go!
OK! You can leave!
But the shoes stay here!
- No! Not my shoes! - Drive, Torben!
He broke his neck!
But otherwise he's fine.
We killed your uncle.
- Yes, thank you! - You're welcome!
Oh no, we ran over Clifford!
Have you ever wondered why a fork
- Yes, a fork? - Has so many prongs,
- As it has? - Mommy?
- Yes? - Where do babies come from?
Oh, the boys stick their dick in your vagina.
- What's up with her? - Ginny.
Just because she is the only girl,
- she has a penis phobia. - Aha.
Good morning, you incest children!
- Morning, Dad! - Oh, we are so poor, we only have half of a front door.
Here, darling: Burned baby birds
exactly how you like them.
- Are your parents really siblings? - Yes, my mother is also my aunt,
and my brother is also my cousin, it's really
- complicated. Hello dear sister.
I put extra salt on them.
Does anyone want some?
Who are you?
I'm Harry.
Oh no.
My wife probably slept with one of my sons again
- And had a child without telling me about it. - No I have not!
That only happened once and Ginny was the result from it.
- As if you don't sleep with your sons. - Yes, but if I fuck my sons in the butt,
at least they don't bear children from it.
No guys, honestly, incest is evil,
not all of you can marry Ginny
So Harry, tell me.
I see you're sitting next to Ron, so I assume you're gay,
and you're his boyfriend. Did he like you too, because you smelled like fried fish?
So, frankly ...
What the hell...?
Is this "Stinky" with the mail?
Yea I'll go look.
Come on, give it to me!
Bastard! Is it from the GEZ?
Much worse. There are the tuition fees for Hogwarts.
What? They charge tuition fees?
That's an impudence, my children learn nothing at all in this school.
I can't read, Mum.
- What does that say? - Give it to me!
- Mum, where do we get the money? - Oh, we need to prostitute ourselves.
Namely, in the Fuckingalley.
- Come up here! I'm totally hot for you. - Have you ever fucked twins?
Fuck me! I am Harry Potter!
I am famous!
- I have a vagina! - I can splash water
out of my nose and catch it with my mouth.
fuck, lousy € 50 for one round without a condom, I'll do it
twice again, maximum.
- Marilyn Manson also prostitutes himself. - Hello.
He looks like he has no money.
- Who else can I fuck to get money? - Hi baby, how about us two?
Noo. Nah, I'm just about to call it a day.
- Bye. - Hey! Hey, come here!
You are awefully cute, give me a kiss at least.
Hey Harry!
Heard you're doing it for fifty?
The Fuckingalley is only for people, who live on the social margin, Harry.
Never thought that you would be lingering there.
You're famous, you've got the money.
- I did it for the Weasleys. - Oh, the Weasleys.
Wait a moment.
- What did you do there? - Me? Oh, I was just shopping.
In the Fuckingalley?
Yes. There's a great baker.
He makes delicious donuts, you know them, right?
Yes, the ones with a hole in the middle, I know.
So, textbooks, dildos, I have everything together.
Oh my God!
Jeez! Hi, Harry!
- Hey, Hermione. - Hagrid.
Hello, you stupid cow!
- Hey, shut up. - Have you already been in the Fuckingalley?
Yes, why are you asking?
Oh, you look like you've already been banged five times.
- Oh. - Here, look, I got me a new dildo.
Yes children, I have to go again, yeah?
- To the baker ... buy donuts. - Alright have fun.
Let's go to the library and pretend as if we were nerds.
"Once upon a time there was a small deer named Bambi.
And his mother was hit by a truck
- Come on! - And then found dismembered ... "
Mum, there's Harry.
Harry Baby, come here.
You're full of cum, they have probably fucked you really hard.
Ladies and gentlemen: Mr Gilderoy Fuckshard!
Gilderoy, I love you!
- It was the hottest night I've ever had. - Hello.
Yes, I fucked him, too!
Mum wants sexual intercourse with him.
Shut up!
Thank you very much.
A photo for the BRAVO, please.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my goodness,
Is that Harry Popper?
Harry Popper!
- The star of the incest child porn "Small but already - Hey.
- fucked really hard Part 1 "I never thought I'd - Hey, what ... Hey, what is this?
- get him infront of my camera. - Come here, you celebrity!
Your baby ass is legendary.
- My baby ass? But i'm called Harry Potter. - Hello, I'm Gilderoy Fuckshard, I am
Star of adult films like "what fucks there?" Parts 1 and 2,
or "Help! I'm trapped on the dildo planet!"
- Oh, I love this movie. - Is everyone just here because of porn?
Thank you very much! Thank you very much!
Oh thank you!
- Ew, who's spitting here? - This boy has inspired me.
And because of that I want to
thank him by giving him my new series, namely
"Cock Improvement!"
Part 1-12.
I had no film in my camera.
The famous Harry Potter:
didn't have any time for me during the entire holidays.
I thought we wanted to create a deliriously happy, large family?
Boys can't make babies with boys.
Look, look, Potter, you prefer fucking small, red-haired girls.
Now, now Draco, you should not say the bad f-word.
- Red-haired? - Hi, I'm Lucy.
Lucy Malfoy.
- Aha. - I'm Draco's Sugar Daddy.
And you're
the famous Harry Potter
with the lightning scar.
- And the round glasses. - Why are you even famous for that?
Lord Voldemort tried to kill me.
He killed my parents and threw a stone at me.
But I survived.
So what? I've also tried to kill my neighbors and threw a stone at him.
He didn't become famous.
That's so embarrassing.
Less embarrassing than someone who claims to be blond, although his hair is only bleached.
You revealed our cruel
Family secret.
Then I'll now divulge a secret about you.
Your friends are surely interested in the fact that you're a lesbian!
Oh, and your daughter Hermione is a lesbian, huh?
Yes, she tells everyone!
Careful, Sugar Daddy! She's giving you the death glare.
Oh, what book did you buy?
"Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets".
- What a silly name. - So children
We got all the textbooks now and can go eat ice cream from the money that
- Harry gathered. - Yes!
May I ask you something?
Why are you even buying books for your children?
They can't read anyway.
That's a waste of money, you know?
No wonder that you are so poor.
Never thought about it.
We'll meet again in the social services office.
Hey, he stole my book!
We'll meet again at school.
- Let's full on run against the wall. - Yes.
Two retarded children ran against a wall, on platform 9. Security guards please to Platform 9!
What are you doing, you monkey?
- We want to Platform 9 ¾. - Yeah.
Hermione said we have to full on run against the wall at the train station.
- I believe Hermione doesn't like us anymore. - I like the wall,
it's pleasantly cold and stony.
- No, that's boring. - No.
Oh damn, it's already 11am!
Weren't we supposed to be at school at 8 am?
Yes. Wasn't that
a week ago?
Jeez, the car can fly, but hasn't even got a CD-player.
Turn on the radio. Driving without music is shit.
I Hate Radio.
Is it love?
Is it love that you want from me?
Is it love?
- Is it love? - Stop singing along!
Is it love, that you want from me baby, yeah
Oh Jeez!
Do you have to sing along to songs no one's liked even 10 years ago?
Harry, did you just fart?
What's this?
For God's sake! Turn it off!
Turn it off!
I'm trying!
Following: the Wolfgang Petry Music Marathon.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Hell, hell, hell!
Oh no, now I'm singing along as well.
Okay Ron, remember, we're parking next to a large willow.
- Isn't it nice to be back in Hogwarts? - Do you think they'll notice we've missed one week of school?
They don't, They didnt't even notice, that i didn't use magic for a whole year.
I did.
- So, you want to use this this staircase, eh? - Yes?
Well, the stairs belongs to me, so you have to pay toll for the path,
- At least 2 €. - Whiskas!
Money, I can dwell upon, and without money you can't go on.
I just rhymed it myself.
Why do they need to make those damned crossword puzzles so hard?
And here are bike coupons and I've got no scissors for cutting them out!
Four letters, colloquially, male genitalia?
You said "Dick".
Okay, seriously, why did you show up at school a week too late ?
Do you think you can do everything, just because you are friends with Dumbledore?
My family had to prostitute themselves in order to pay the tuition fees,
- That took a long time and was humiliating. - Bacon!
You're amazed huh? I can be quick-witted, too.
In addition, your family is the cheapest, out there on the Fuckmarket.
Your motto is "In and out, and give me your money"!
You have no idea,
how it feels to give up your body completely ...
- What's going on? - Fresh Dumbledore!
And the other old teacher.
- I heard that! - Fresh Dumbledore,
these students are a week late and openly admitted that they have prostituted themselves.
Oh, it doesn´t matter.
These are my fresh homies, they're privileged.
And now keep calm and stay supple, hmm?
With staying supple I meant that you shall remain calm, and not preparation for intercourse.
That is ambiguity, the children like that.
Professor McGonagall?
Yes, Mr Weasley, what do you want?
Are there nude photos of you?
I'm sorry to disappoint you, But, no, there aren't..
What a relief!
Nevertheless, you missed a week of subject material.
- Yes. - Because it would be advisable if you
would catch up. I suggest as a tutor
Professor Snape.
Good Morning.
- Good Morning! - Welcome
welcome here in
Herbology lessons.
Today we learn how to rearange flowers.
Step closer to the table
I'm gonna put
a flower in there, right?
You can watch me doing it, please.
- Sorry? - Yes, a question, yes please?
Yes, so my question would be:
Do you have a fish stick in your mouth and therefore speak so retarded
or are you really mentally handicapped?
My next question would be: Why are we, wizards,
- being taught how to rearange flowers by a retard-grandma? - That's a good question.
Ten points for Gryffindor!
Hey, cool!
The next time I'm going to ask the teacher if she's retarded.
Ye have certainly asked yourself, why plants are green, right?
- No. - Yes, I can't tell you either
beacuse I don't know
If you no longer want to listen to my drivel, you can put on your earmuffs.
The are made of rabbit fur, there are maggots inside them
and they creep you into the brain, and there shall make ye stupid.
- I can not listen to the, ey. - I'm always wearing them. Now, to the plant.
How do you rearange it: First you
pull it out of the pot.
- Yes, I know the sound is annoying - Oh God! No, not again!
- Ouch, my ears!
Running through the monsoon, Beyond the world,
- The end of time, until no ... - Okay, that's enough!
- You have to bury the plant as soon as possible, - Hey man! Hey! Hey,
- So it stops singing. - Why are you whacking me here with dirt?
- Hey, what is this? Hey, what ...? Hey, man ... - Quick, here!
Is Neville dead now?
No, ma'am, hes' a zombie, he'll rise again.
the earthworms will eat him, let's leave him on the floor.
- There! - What is that, Ron?
I'm MacGyver,
I'm building a bomb.
But TicTacs are still missing, eh?
- Crap. - Look, Konica!
My eyes.
I shoot all the people who look uglier than me.
Yes, there's certainly not many.
I once photographed my ass.
That was disgusting.
Neville is still alive.
This guy is getting scary.
I prefer not to tell what part of my body I once photographed.
I am Gilderoy Fuckshard, your new, gorgeous teacher of the best subject you can teach ever:
So you did not expect what? I
am not only famous actor
Erotic movies like
"Mr. Seemann what is caviar?", Or
"Sap harvest in testicular country". No,
I am also a very intelligent, ambitious math teacher.
And my films
knows you certainly all have been,
as you are under 18 and thinking, that watching porn movies is cool.
What, that's not cool?
But be warned, in my math class
it will not go as in any normal math classes,
we are dealing not Angle sums in triangles, or something like that, no.
There are much worse things in math
- than triangles. - Oh God, worse than triangles?
Algebra, Stochastics, Analysis,
I have chosen only that because the word "anal" is in,
but that's all nothing compared to
These are just CGI animations that we can't even see.
They are inserted on the computer later.
It does not matter whether they're computer animated characters, or not,
you could at least act, as if they attacked you.
Throw your books off the table or something like that.
Oh, I´m throwing my books off the table.
- Was it authentic? - Yes very good.
Hey Hermione, come on, we play stunt double,
I'll thump you in the face with the book , ok?
Watch out! Bamm!
Okay folks, I'm outta here, ciao.
Oh yes, I'll throw
away an image of myself, to achieve the effect
Oh man, it really looks as if you were attacked by those beasts,
you should become actors or something like that.
What shall we do now?
Avada Kedavra!
Too bad, she almost hit Neville.
Maybe I'll hit him next time.
- The next time I'll try to kill him. - Folks, why do you wanna see me dead?
Hello ladies and gentlemen!
Do you remember "Woods Sooper Dooper Shop"?
Forget it!
Because now there is:
"Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop"!
It is cheaper.
- Hey, Harry! Do you know what I'm holding in my hands? - No.
It is the new "super-clean mop" by "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop".
Why are you telling me this?
I can tell you much more, when you come with me, to sale grounds.
But what's this? Is that my archrival Flint
of "Flint's Mega (Negro) Store?
You can get lost, these grounds belong to me now.
Here is the certificate of ownership.
Oh man, I hate TV shops.
Sometimes they're selling Massage-Sticks,
- they are good. - It says:
Eggs, milk, bread, nail polish remover,
Toilet paper, spaghetti ...
This is not a certificate, that's a shopping list.
Hell, he already knows the shopping list trick.
And there's another novelty.
Holy shit, those sure are some long, fat junks.
They're exclusive to "Flint's Mega Nigger Store"
One of these would be just the right thing for you
wouldn't it, Granger?
I don't care about length or width, Malfoy,
what counts to me is the vibrational function.
You on the other hand seem to have the desparate need of something big being shoved up your arse.
Huh, nobody asked for your opinion,
you stupid bitch!
Did you just call her "stupid"?
Just wait! Have a taste of my my wood-, sticky-tape- and tictacs bomb!
Ow ...
- I feel so queasy. - I know, it smells like shit in here.
Here, take that bucket.
But I think it's really nice,
- That you come to visit me again. - It stinks so much ...
Oh, and sorry about my farting, alright?
Just cracked open that window behind me.
So what brings you to me?
He said to Hermione ...
I cannot remember exactly what it was.
He´s said that I'm stupid.
You're not serious!
What does that mean?
Well, how shall I put it for you?
Stupid is someone who is of no or low intelligence. Someone like you, Harry, for instance.
Oh I see.
I don't memorize 3 Wikipedia pages every day for nothing.
Hey Cheer up, you're smarter than all three of us together, ey?
Come on over.
Just don't think anymore
that you´re stupid, because if you try thinking about,
to not think about being stupid even though you're not stupid,
then what have you been thinking about?
Harry, Harry, Harry.
Oh damn, now I've written "Harry" on that sheet.
Have you already seen "Cock Improvement"? - No.
Well, that all surely is bore you, you're already an old hand in the erotic film business.
- "Fuckshard" ... - Please tell me,
what are you talking about all the time?
"Harry Popper: Small but Already Shagged: Part 1".
- Huh? - Don't tell me you cant remember about it.
Okay, you were only three, but
It's a classic.
Oh, I'll never forget your baby arse.
Maybe this whole thing has got to do with that confusing dream I have every night.
Yes, this is the meter box which we always have problems with.
If you could have a look at it.
Well yeah, but
Why's all this hay lying about?
And why are you wearing a mask?
Well blow me...
Oh, Harry!
"Below me"
I said.
Oh yes?
I daresay I heard you saying "Well blow me".
I haven't said that.
- Oh, come on, there's nothing to it. - No, I haven't said that.
Yes, you have!
- And I'd love to blow you. - I haven't said that!
Yes, you have, listen: I've got it on tape.
"Well blow me."
See, you have said it, so I'll do that now.
I stepped in shit.
I just hope no one noticed.
Hi Harry!
- Did you step in shit? - Meeeeow!
Did you hear that?
That sounded
like a dying giraffe!
I was going to say:
Like a cat.
And she's in danger! Come on, we have to save her!
- Yes! - Go, Go, Pussy Rangers!
Oh my God!
Who'd do such an abominable thing?
Eek, who ... Who's that?
What's going on here?
- Ew, there's a dead cat hanging from the wall. - It's really peculiar...
- That's disgusting. - Ugh, how disgusting.
... that half the school is passing through right at this moment.
Let me through! Let me through!
What's going on, huh?
What are you do----
My little pussy.
You hung up my pussy after piercing its tail?
No. No, I was ...
I ... I was just...
- It ... - Sure, pal. I'm gonna do
- the same thing to you now! - No, I...
What's up? What's up?
Wow, dope Graffiti!
If everyone who's not into Hip Hop can now kindly piss off.
- Stupid Hip Hop ... - Everyone except
you four.
- But we are three.
- Oh, then I've got dirt on my glasses. - All right, a dead cat. I've figured the problem.
Say, who are you, anyway, did I hire you?
I'd say this is the work of a true satanist.
And real satanists always have long black hair.
- I have no idea who he's trying to point at. - Neither do I.
Surely the one over there.
What? Why me?
Yeah, he listened to Metal one time.
Yes but
listening to Metal doesn't necessarily make you a satanist.
- or just as little the other way round - Yes it does!
Well, to be honest...
I used to be a bass player in a Gothic Metal band,
We called ourselves "The Black Undead Blood-Soaked
Washing rags".
Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death!... Death!... Death! Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!De
I hardly believe that Potter has got the spunk to perform genuine satanist rituals, but still...
he hasn't turned up to his tuition lesson with me today.
Oh, he did it with me.
And I
blew him off.
That guy's been here for a week and he gets what I've been working to achieve for a year.
Well we observed earlier how Harry stepped into shit.
- Do you have to tell everyone? - Nice.
Go on.
So after I had stepped into shit
We heard a screaming cat and came here immediately but it was too late by that time.
Oh, don't worry, Harry!
But what will become of pussy?
I just buy another cat which looks exactly like the old one and trick him into taking it.
That guy's falling for it time and time again.
But I want my OLD pussy back!
Your old pussy has been dead for 30 years.
- I ran it over. - What?
Yes sorry.
If it cheers you up, these two bitches over here are going to
be dancing in my next music video with their fat naked wobbly booties.
Not good? Well, I've tried everything.
By the way, I'll be releasing a new album very soon, it's called "grandmother fucker".
I'm dancing in the video!
You're gonna buy that, right?
Iam fucking your grandma
into a coma,
Iam fucking your grandma...
- Harry, what's your secret? - My secret for shiny, luscious hair?
- Head & Shoulders ... - No, your secret for men!
Firstly that affair with Severus Snape,
now that thing with Gilderoy Fuckshard.
Why do all the men sleep with you?
Not all the men want to sleep with me.
- That'd mean Ron would want me. - But I do want you!
Ron doesn't count.
- Why? - He wanted to shag a meatball during lunch
because it smelled randy.
Yeah, of meat!
I'm merely a talking painting, but...
you need help, kid.
Yes, dear little children, shut your gobs, I want to announce something.
Due to the recent cruel events
I have decided to make my classes more fun.
You should be merry and motivated in school.
Therefore I suggest that we start with some funny.
Who of you would like to tell a joke?
Yes, Miss Granger?
So, a horse walks into a bar. And the bartender asks the horse:
"Why the long face?"
[End of edited translation]
Yeah, well that was a really...
hilarious cracker, we should start every lesson like that.
Do you want me to tell another one?
Oh, don't exaggerate.
But this one's really funny.
What does the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip."
That one's as old as me, girl.
I suggest that Draco tell a joke next time.
Dam Dam dadam!
Hermione if we were the last \hpeople on earth would
and the survival of mankind \hwould depend on us,
- would you sleep with me? - No?
I'd hate to live on a planet, \hto which all people descend from you.
And if I and Ron were the only men and you had to choose,
- Who would you prefer to sleep with? - Probably with none of you.
because I'm a lesbian. And Lesbians \hdon't sleep with men, you know.
So if we were the last people on earth,
and I would be a woman, then you would sleep with me?
Yes, possibly.
And if I were a woman, but we weren't the last humans on earth,
- Then as well? - Maybe, but you would have to chop off
your dicks before anything can go on between us. - Isn't there another way apart
from chopping your dick off? I mean,
we can pinch it back and
put two oranges into a bra, put it on and then... - I've always wanted to put on a bra!
Guys, believe me, that would not be the same.
But ... There would be a way!
- Yes? - Oh really?
Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only girl with lines at this school,
I'm tired of sleeping with extras.
So as women you'd come in handy for me, I just say:
- transgender operation. - Daam da-dam Dam!
- Stop it, Ron! - Sexual intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases ...
transgender operations.
Look, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" \hthis is my favorite book!
Guys! I've found it. Here, have a look here.
We need a so-called "Polyjuice Potion"
the only consists of pure estrogen, \hwhich you need to drink and then you will become women.
What's that? Real Women?
With breasts and vagina and all?
- Exactly. - How cool is that?
- I'm gonna fondle myself all day long. - Yes...
As if you wouldn't be fondling yourself as a man all day long.
But I'm just reading that
until the drink is ready, it takes
- one month. - What?
One month?
- Oh man! - I ... I can not wait that long!
I'm loaded like a catapult if you know what I mean.
And that old stuff needs to get out, I don't want to keep it even another day.
Yes, I understand you.
Not! Because I am a girl, \hand we're not loaded.
As the following Quidditch scenes \hare a little lengthy,
we shall play this all at double speed,
to achieve a humorous effect.
That's what you get when you play everything at double speed.
- Hopefully he's broken his neck this time - Harry Potter has caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!
Just like last year.
- Harry! - Again! Man, this game never gets boring!
Harry, are you okay?
No, I think my arm is broken.
Do not worry, dear. I'm here now,
Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- No, I'm breathing. - Oh, you can never be sure enough,
show me your little arm.
I'm pulling back your jumper very gently.
Remind you of something? Like yesterday, \hwhen I gave you a blow job
and slowly pulled back your foreskin?
- Yes... - Wait, I'll help you.
Was that Latin?
Yes, of course, every magician knows Latin.
Okay, now that was not planned that way, but you can ...
You can...
You can form fun stuff from your arm now.
Look, a duck!
Funny, right?
My arm...
Come on, do not be sad, boy.
Give me your arm here!
- So ... - Au, Ouch!
Here, a poodle!
Harry enjoyed the poodle for another six days. On the 7th day he decided to pop into the hospital wing with his boneless arm.
I've got abdominal pain and nausea, \hI think I'm on my period.
Forget it, Malfoy!
Only girls have that.
- Equal rights! - No!
That, only girls have, too!
Well, I regret to say that I don't have a potion that can regrow bones, but
this should do the trick as well.
Have you noticed there's a skull on that bottle?
I got the first season of "ER" on DVD.
I know what I am doing!
This stuff will make flaccid limps grow stiff again:
- Liquid Viagra. - Oh, cool.
This tastes like piss!
I didn't think anyone would notice the difference.
Well ...
Hey! Is there a doctor anywhere?
Oh, Patient
- 773 - No!
It is there!
- It is really there! - What ... What's going on?
Are you ready for your electric shock therapy?
No! No!
What is this place?
- It's me, the Mr Filthy. - Shit, you scared me!
Are you still interested in a blowjob?
Or at a Birthday CD for your friend
No thanks.
- Okay, but ... - Also, I can jerk off again now,
- I don't need your help. - Yes, but right now you have a broken,
- right arm, hence no jerk. - Mate, forget it!
I've even got chances of having sex with a real girl.
Well, I can't keep up with a real girl, but ...
Damn, I need the money! \hI'd really do anything, you know?
Come on, four euros!
Four euros for a blowjob!
- Four euros? - Yes.
Yo mama does blowjobs for 4 euros!
Yes I know.
Okay, my final offer:
- One euro. - One euro?
A Euro for a hand job. Look what these beautiful Hands could do with your penis.
You know what? I'll give you one euro, \hif you now leave me alone,
jump from my bed and land on your ass.
Ow! Ow ...
- You really do that. - Owowow ...
I think that was my coccyx.
I want my euro now!
Well, no, I haven't got anything on me, but ...
Why do you always come to me ,
- when you want money? - Well, because you're Harry Potter!
- Yes and? - You're totally famous and totally rich!
- Am not? - Are too! That was in the first film,
just got cut out.
You were with Hagrid in \hDiagon Alley or something in this weird
Leprechaun savings bank.
Try to remember!
Leprechaun Terminal 2, please puncture more notes. Leprechaun Terminal. 2
- Where are we? - Stamp, stamp, stamp!
You shitty savings book, I'll stamp you to death!
Well how are you going to pay the wand, that you absolutely wanted?
- With money. - Yes, and where do you usually get money from?
- Savings bank? - Elementary, Dr Watson.
- Hello! - Yes...?
We would like to rob this savings bank.
Well, I hope you've got more than this little boy with you
because I'm not really afraid of this git.
Oh, right, shit, Sorry, wait a second.
Where have I put it?
Ah, here!
- The key to my bike lock. - Ah yes.
It's outside, that's my escape bicycle.
And here is this special note which I'm passing you very inconspicuously.
Yes, what do I do with it?
Well on there it says you should now inconspicuously put money in a bag with a dollar sign on it.
You're being serious, aren't you?
Dead serious.
I mean: Wow, so much money!
Well Harry, look behind you, a squirrel!
Where did that memory come from?
Now ... Now let's be plain!
Now that you've rediscovered your memory because of me, how about a reward?
- No? - But now it's not only TV Licensing,
but also the benefit office.
They're saying I'd have to repay €20,000 because I haven't been a child for ten years.
Mate that doesn't apply to you anyway because you're a gnome and not a human child.
Don't say that too loud!
They can hear us.
Now listen to me. I hate people like you,
who live at the expense of the state, although they don't contribute to the system.
Oh but I am contributing!
I'm studying art history \hand philosophy, that's classy.
Then why do I feel like I'm holding a piece of shit?
Urgh, there was shit on his shirt.
Mail for me, mail for me,
- I got mail, I'm happy! - Professor Dumbledore, what's all this shouting?
What are we doing here?
Have you not been listening? I did the "Mail For Me" Rap!
Here you go: express delivery for Mr Dumbledore.
Yo, thanks a bitch and how a lit day, mate.
Yes, thank you.
What the hell have you spend the school budget on this time?
I auctioned a digital camera on eBay: Best one, brand new.
Are you sure?
Well, now that you mention it, looks a bit...
Quite a weird make. It's probably vintage.
That's not vintage. More like retarded.
Hey, watch out!
If there's someone to use unnecessary youth slang, it's me.
Am I understood?
Alright, now this...
- Yes? - So, you said the potion
consists only of pure estrogen.
Why are you putting in loads of other stuff?
Because pure estrogen would taste like fish yogurt.
That would be as if I stopped washing myself for 3 weeks and you would have to lick me.
On principle, that's nothing I'd object to, but
can I pick a flavour for the potion? Like
- Custard? - Never use the custard, that would be a disaster.
Just think of Masculine Myrtle.
Masculine Myrtle.
- Who? - Masculine Myrtle also tried
to brew a Polyjuice Potion, only she added vanilla.
- Who is Masculine Myrtle? - I am Masculine Myrtle!
Why the daft looks? Have you never \hseen a transparent, floating hermaphrodite?
- Hermaphrodites? - Yes, that's what happens to you
if you put vanilla into that stuff. Your dick comes off and you turn transparent.
And you won't even be able to touch yourselves. It is to cry for!
She's got a screw loose.
Come closer!
I hope all see me,
and all hear me, and all
smell me.
Awesome, he farted into my face!
Given the threatening, Satanic incidents in recent days,
Fresh Dumbledore has entrusted me with organising a little battle.
- let the games begin! - Oh, his coat!
Oh man, lost in the very first round!
Yeah, what a noob!
Thank you for this demonstration of your powers,
Professor Snape. I will now continue discussing this with you tonight.
but now I'll beat you in a field in which I guarantee you that you're certainly not as good as me, which is...
- Mathematics. - Oh really?
Then please calculate this: What's the sum of the numeral sequence from 1-36
added up?
I wont tell you,
you buffoon!
So, we now need new candidates.
we're looking for a pair,
- Potter, Weasley, fancy a go? - We're not a couple,
- We're just good friends. - Weasley spreads stupidity wherever he goes.
You can feel your own IQ go down by just...
I wonder if chickens can eat ponies.
looking at him. May I therefore \hSuggest someone from my house?
Take me! Take me!
- for example? - Yes that's me!
- Good luck, Potter. - Thank you very much.
And do not forget those nice duelling moves:
Wand up, down,
bow down,
spin around thrice, sing "All my little ducklings"
all on one leg, and if one of you falls over,
he loses.
Afraid, Potter?
Dream On.
Wow, savage comeback!
Hey, you haven't sung "All my little ducklings"!
To underscore the drama I now sing a battle song. Attention!
Oh man...
Fuck you-and-shut-uppus!
- Oh God, Harry! - No! Crap!
Just wait!
My balls!
Hopefully no one recorded that on camera!
Get up!
What does an Aryan boy say?
- Heil Hitler! - Finish that Nazi-bastard!
This school is a complete shambles and full of faggots!
Cool, a snake!
I actually intended to lift a feather.
Oh God!
- I love you... -Oh, piss off!
I'll remove the snake.
Allow me, Professor Snape?
I'll do it.
Shizzle ma Dizzle!
What do I do now?
Oh God, it seems as if \hthey speak a completely different language.
Hallo ich bin Harry Potter. Wie geht es dir?
[in French] Hello, my name is Harry Potter. How are you? - Very well. And you?
How are you? - Fine
- Would you like a cheese sandwich or an apple sandwich?
-I forgot to take my French book from home.
-What's your phone number? - No!
- Shit!
Couldly speak more slowly, please?
Huh? What ... What was that?
What kind of game is this?
What do you want from me? Who are you anyway? Extra No. 27?
To look pensive \hI give myself a difficult math problem.
Since when has Harry been able to speak French so well?
Harry! Harry, wait a moment!
- Harry! Harry! - Harry!
Harry, listen to me now!
What the hell just happened?
- Why? What? - You were talking to a snake.
So what?
Why not? I can do that, I just recently did that in the zoo.
The other day a year ago.
What's so bad about that, anyway?
I talk to any animal I want to talk to, okay? To elephants and
to ants and to goats
- And to wildebeests and ... - Harry, shut up now. This is not about you
talking to animals, but the fact that you spoke a different language.
Why a different language?
I was talking to it just like I'm talking to you right now:
in German, very ... - [in French] I'm a small glass of milk!
- What did you call me? - You were speaking some Parisian shite!
- Parisian, or something. - French.
Oh God, I spoke Parisian?
That ... I didn't even notice it.
Why am I suddenly able to speak a language I don't know?
Aside from the fact that it's French and not Parisian,
I find it all rather strange.
Why do all men want something from you, and why did Filch's Pussy have to die?
Why do you know French?
All these mysterious events
- Must have a common reason. - You should call the FBI!
I find that rather paranormal.
I think their number is 911.
That's the emergency hotline, Ron!
Oh ...
not a bad idea.
The FBI.
We are Agents Mulder and Scully of the FBI.
Uh yes hello, this is Harry Potter
of "Harry Potter".
And I have a problem, namely
I ... I can talk to snakes, in
I hardly believe that the FBI
- is concerned with such trifles. - But ... But I ...
We are Agents Mulder and Scully of the FBI.
Doorbell prank!
Alright! That'll teach them!
Eek, piss.
And I would have been such a great case for them.
I can talk to snakes,
I can speak French without noticing, I can...
see dead people.
Oh God!
Extra No. 27 is dead!
My best friend, we've been through so much together!
Oh, a gold ring.
Well, I better keep it in a safe place for you.
Got you!
First my pussy and now Extra No. 27, huh?
- Have I caught you in the act, you Satanist! - No, that wasn't me!
No, wait, I just ...
I ... I just ...
I have to stop him somehow.
There is only one way, I have to unleash my diligently-trained killer spiders upon him.
Goooo ooon, crawl!
Crawl after him and kill him!
No! No, he has gone the other direction.
No! No, do not jump out of the window, no!
Bad spider, bad spider!
Should have trained them longer than just one day.
- So, there we have the culprit! Ui!
Uiui, ui!
Ui! Uiuiuiuiuiuiui!
It was like that when I came here.
Two murders in one week is too much, Potter
But ... But it wasn't me! \hI can't kill a man!
Okay, I have tried to kill Neville several times, but
everyone does!
Come on, give me a chance!
That's up to the headmaster.
Why am I afraid?
The headmaster is Fresh Dumbledore. \hThat's my homie, yo.
- How do I get up there now? - Do open Sesame!
You are now entering Fresh Dumbledore's office!
Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,
Come in, come out,
does not matter to me,
that is Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,
Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,
just step in, man!
Fresh Dumbledore?
- Oh Yeah! -Strange doorbell.
- Oh man! Hey,... - This is very different from what I imagined
- Not be, - Where are the chrome rims? And the hookers?
- Crap... - Hello?
Yo! Yo! Yoyoyo, Yo!
- I rap on about myself, - 'Aw, a pigeon!
- And here my flow! - Can you say "Polly wants a cracker"?
- Yo! Yo! - Can you say "Wall Street"?
"Wall Street"?
Yo! What's going on?
Fresh Dumbledore!
Well, your pigeon...
it burst into flames all by itself.
I... I didn't light it or something
- like I'd usually do. - Oh, that is not a problem, Harry
that does not matter. At. All.
because this is no pigeon,
but a phoenix!
What's a phoenix?
A phoenix is ​​much better than a dog, or
A cat, they do not have skill,
and a phoenix
rises again from its ashes again, \hJust have a look, mate!
Is it not an ugly, little, screeching, mole-rat-like critter?
The funny thing is I once thought you could burn all animals,
Well ...
Professor Dumbledore!
Professor Dumbledore!
A boy was killed, and I'm super sure it was Harry Potter's fault!
- What? - Chill out, Hagrid! - Because he just pretends to be your friend
- and then he stabs you in the back. - Shut your fat face for a sec, Hagrid!
Of course, he does it.
How so?
One can not help but verbally abuse you, because you're fat
- And ugly, and you stink. - Yes, but maybe I'm...
Oh, you ...
So you don't like me either, huh?
It's okay,
- no problem. - Get lost!
I'll just go back to my fat, ugly, stinky hut and cry!
I didn't know that you don't like Hagrid, too!
Nobody likes Hagrid.
I just hired him so that people could make fun of him.
I see.
Now, let's get to the actual reason why you're here.
Is there anything you would like to tell me? Something
about love?
No, nothing about love.
- Really? - No.
Ah yeah, I get you.
- That it'd jeopardise our friendship, right? - Yes, yes, exactly!
He will be mine...
Oh yes, he will be mine.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh,
- Yay! - Zip your lips
- Flitwick! - Why do we sit so far away from everyone else,
- Do they not like us? - Nonsense, they love us!
are just too shy to sit with us.
Yes! Yes exactly!
- How embarrassing. - Now, as I'm sure that you've forgotten what we're doing
I'll ask you again:
Do you really want to drink the estrogen potion \hso you transform in women
so you can sleep with me because I'm a lesbian?
- Uh, yeah. - But I think,
that you don't have the slightest idea \hwhat this means for you.
After all, you permanently lose \hyour organa genitalia masculina.
- What? - And what's this ...? - Hold on, I'll show you!
These two tarts represent your testicles.
They'd be gone.
- What? Gone? What do you mean by that? - Ovaries!
Your testicles will slowly shrivel away, retreat back into your bodies and form fully functional ovaries.
Ovaries, which means we get menstruation!
Are we going to menstruate through the penis?
Not quite, I'll show you.
This represents your penis.
Small and insignificant with a \hstrange bump on top.
It'll be gone as well, do you get what I mean?
Consider it carefully. You will never see your testicles again.
Daam dadam dam!
Hey, I can see that bloke's balls from under his rope.
What are we doing here?
No idea.
Stop! No need to live with a sore throat, \hTake Wick cough drops!
Wick cough drops: They work and taste great!
Look there!
- A tart. - Tart!
- 'Cause we only got so few of them. - Oh yummy!
Another one.
With cream filling.
They taste funny!
Kind of bitter!
The ate our testicles!
- It's about time that we become women. - Yes!
- Yeah! - Estrogen!
Should I tell them that pure estrogen
has only caused a sex change in fish and frogs so far?
It's for science.
- You're welcome. - Thank you, estrogen is green and lumpy?
- And for you. - Thank you.
And I'll have one as well because you can never be too feminine.
- Add your favourite flavour. - Peppermint.
- Strawberry. - Hair of a dog that bit me.
Lucky! You were run over by Torsten!
- I am Torben! - Chin Chin!
- Cheers! - Here's to you, folks!
It tastes like my grandma's armpit!
It DOES taste like his grandma's armpit!
Actually doesn't ...
I must pretend like it's disgusting.
I have to
look at myself in the mirror.
Must... see
Cool! I'm transforming.
Female pustules on my skin!
Oh, cellulite! Cool!
I'm looking forward
to my beautiful,
female countenance.
My face.
I ... I'm ...
I am beautiful!
Man, I'm fat!
Would you look at these fingers? They're bigger than the arm of a child.
Oh God! It's been much worse on you!
I am beautiful.
Don't you think that something has gone wrong?
Yes, now that you mention it,
I think I've got tits but
I can distinctly feel my penis.
Maybe that's a large clitoris.
- Yes exactly! - Wicked!
Hey, so now we can sleep with Hermione, right?
No, no... just start without me...
- I'll join you later. - Why, what's wrong with you?
Yeah, look, it's just ...
I want to shave.
Okay, that's reasonable. Let's pull some guys!
Hey, I'm sure back there we'll find guys to mess with.
Look, there's one already.
- Mate, you crazy? That's my brother! - So what?
Come on, chat him up!
Hey, sugar-tits... ...
- You need to sound like a girl. - Hey sugar-tits, how about us two?
Wanna smooch?
You sound like my brother Ron with a high-pitched voice.
Moreover, I've got standards. You do know that you're fat and ugly, don't you?
So what's this all about? Are you gay?
No, we are girls. See,
I've got tits, he's got tits...
- we are... - What am I beholding?
I've never seen such tight arses. You're well fit!
- These glasses remind me of someone. - Oh, those! I found those!
- No, somebody gave them me! - Someone gave them you?
- I was saying I've got them since birth. - Since birth?
And what are you doing here, \h* Insert random abuse *?
You ordered me here, \hyou wanted you to meet me.
Well, I found something better.
And I thought you had standards...
That was the sofa.
Yes, the sofa.
Oh, my goodness.
Mate, I'm sitting right next to you!
I felt motivated.
Do you know what I find funny?
You remind me of my friends shit and Goyle, who I haven't seen for hours.
But they had completely different voices, as far as I can remember.
Doesn't matter. The important thing is that you two have the same fat
- arses like them. - Damn it, I'm beautiful!
Are you claiming there's someone more ugly than you so you can say you're beautiful?
Who is that?
Harry Potter?
God knows I'm hard to convince.
Very good, Goyle imitation.
You are absolutely right.
Shit Potter!
And people actually believe \hhe would be a real Satanist.
Well, I've heard from a few people
that ... That he's well good-looking and that he's a bomb in bed.
He's a silly little wimp.
I've heard he wants to turn into a girl, so he can sleep with this lesbian Hermione,
because he never had someone in bed.
Is that a bomb?
In all honesty: Basically everyone knows more about Potter's past than he himself.
Do you know what allegedly happened after his parents got killed?
They shot child pornography with him and only that made him famous.
They say it happened in this very school, in a cellar
In a secret cellar.
In a porno cellar.
- Hey, Hey! Calm down, calm down! - What's wrong with you?
I just said "porno cellar".
Well, the thing is this is the first time the porno cellar is being mentioned in this dub.
Oh, okay. Huh?
- What's this? Oh God! - Your scar!
Hermione said it's permanent!
Oh God, your hair!
Oh, a hearing aid.
Oh no, I'm losing my beauty! No!
Hey, tell Dumbledore I've found his hearing aid.
- Hermione! - Hermione! Hermione!
Hermione, something went wrong.
Went wrong?
I've never seen such a hairy pussy.
That's what went wrong.
But but....
Hermione, you wanted to shave!
Don't look at me!
Can't see anything.
Must put on glasses.
I, I think I took too much estrogen.
I have become a walking pussy.
Just look at your tail!
- Now that stunt well burnt our backsides! - Yes.
I mean our pants...
- I mean that was way futile ... - I don't want to transform
- 'into a Lesbian woman anymore. - Neither do I.
And I also don't want to marry Ginny. I need a real girlfriend!
Oh, wow! Look, water!
Did you know that its freeze point is at 0°C while its highest density is at 4°C?
- What? - Look, I am Jesus, I can walk on water.
The negative thermal expansion of water is due to the hydrogen bonds.
We have spent too much time with Hermione.
For goodness sake, you're right, but who else would have me?
You know what? I'm gonna get married to Ginny!
If you manage to do that, I'll call my son Hugo.
Look there!
- Hello. - Ey!
- What are you doing in my loo, huh? - Hey, why are you crying like a sissy, huh?
- Yes, huh? -You wouldn't understand.
It's pretty lonesome as a floating, transparent hermaphrodite.
I'm always so alone.
Is that why you didn't help us while we were brewing the potion so that we'd turn into something like you?
That's totally mean of you!
I'm gonna show you how mean I can get.
For example, when I come to you at night,
yut your chest open and rip out your beating heart,
and then stuff it in your dumb face!
Hey, we can all be friends, or not?
Friends, huh? What do real friends usually do together?
- Maybe go shopping together? - Yes.
- Or pajama parties? - Yes exactly.
Or swapping worn underwear, huh?
No one wants to wear my underwear ...
- What the hell...? - What's that lying around?
Oh, a grimy, moist old book.
Exactly what I need for my collection! Cool
Now I've got seven!
Wow, yeah, what a grimy book.
I love that smell
of old paper.
I could do that all day.
But there must be something else you can use one of these books for, huh?
What ... What's that you learn in school again?
Oh, wait ....
Writing, exactly!
I'll do that.
Yeah, this'll be my rhyme book.
I'm gonna be just like Fresh Dumbledore.
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
you're ugly and you have no clue ".
Yeah, sick rhyme, yeah.
I'll be totally famous with that.
Dear Diary ... Dear Diary, today was the first time I met Professor Dumbledore. It was great.
Dear diary, today I was in Dumbledore's office.
Dear diary, today has Dumbledore gave me an ice lolly,
- But he wanted me to lick it in front of him. That was weird. - Dear Diary...
Dear Diary...
Dumbledore ... Dumbledore ...
What is this?
Where am I?
Looks like Hogwarts, only
And there's a big pig.
Someone's over there...
Hello, you're deaf-mute, or blind, or something?
Hello! I'm talking to you, you bum!
- Hello... - Careful, careful!
Here is a corpse transport! Attention, please stand aside!
Attention, attention, caution!
Out of the way!
There's nothing to see here is just a corpse.
Corpse, hot and greasy!
- Hey, a little more respect, please! - Sorry.
Come over please.
Professor Dumbledore!
Do you have another ice lolly for me to lick?
- Dumbledore? - Oh, but no, Tom Todger.
Why are you lurking 'round the corridors, Tom Todger, and anyway, how are you,
- Tom Todger? - Could you please stop
repeating my name that loudly?
I'm a little embarrassed, to be honest.
Why, because the cat off "Tom and Jerry" had the same name or what?
No ... So have you
already looked into that novel music style?
- That negro speech song, which I told about? - Oh, you mean this "hip hop".
No, I haven't had time yet.
I am working on a cure for cancer and AIDS.
- Wow. - Would you not like to rest your research for a brief moment
and check out this hip-hop?
After all, it's for the children.
- Well, for the children. - I know you like children.
Or, like the cool people say
- For the kidz! - Yes exactly.
For the kidz.
Couldn't have said it better. You're a natural talent.
I am a natural talent, \hey, no I did not doze off during speech song lessons!
Yes, that sounds good. I think I will further my studies in that field.
Yeah, great.
Seeya around, alright?
Bye, Tom Todger!
How am I gonna call myself now?
- Dumbledore! - Yes exactly! Oh no, that's my name anyway.
Well, something with "D", "Fresh D".
Fresh D!
- A, B, C, D, E ... - That's a really weird book, Harry.
Tom Todger, who is that? - Hermione when you were a pussy,
did you lick yourself and did you have to
- poop into a litter box? - No.
Ron, I travelled into the past and I met Fresh D, and...
why are you carrying 3 books?
Yeah, I was about to ask that as well,
- Are you trying to act like an intellectual or something? - Hey, I'm really reading these!
Maybe I'm very keen on books about quantum physics
and I'm not pretending to look smarter than I actually am.
Looking smarter than you actually are? You don't happen to be talking about me, huh?
Did he just insult himself?
What's that in your hand, Hagrid?
Oh, yes, that's a watering can.
- Aha. - That mongo granny gave it to me.
Because it's my birthday today, just so you know.
But you really don't have to get me anything,
because I wouldn't need need a dildo in shape of a dinosaur penis or something...
So, there's gonna be a do at my place tonight...
Yes, there's just one problem for you:
You're not invited, so we will have to make celebrate without you and
have lots of fun!
Well, poor bastards!
- Pity. - Shit, Hagrid, I would
have loved to go to your party.
See you on the party tonight, Neville. - Yes!
Hey guys, I did something really nasty, you absolutely need to check that out!
What the hell? Oh...
- Look, look! - What's going on?
I demolished your entire room and broke your stuff because I want to me mean, just like you.
Look, I smashed your lamp as well as
that silly photo of your parents.
- My parents... - And I tore all your books to pieces and I
also plucked your pigeon. Isn't that super awesome?
Am I part of the gang now?
- Shit, no! - Oh man, ey.
- Neville, you stupid penguin! - Shit, shit ...
- What is that? - Shit, my poetry books,
- My friendship books! - Harry we were the only ones
who actually wrote an entry.
Indeed, and my proverb for you will continue to be "sausage is life".
Thou shalt have no other gods but Sausage Satan!
Sausage is life!
Heil sausage!
Hello my ladies and gentlemen, \hwelcome to "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop"
a subsidiary of "Woods Sooper Dooper Shop"
the selling frenzy against "Flint's Mega Nigger Store".
- We need to increase our sales dramatically. - How are we supposed to pull that off with those manky brooms?
Every normal solicitor sells hoovers!
But that's not the only thing we sell, we also sell the latest fashion!
Oh, I love this camouflage style hat.
- Yes, you are so camouflaged, I can't even see you! - Zip it! I didn't by it from you!
but at Primark and now piss off, would you?
- Okay! - Potter?
I have a good news and bad news for you!
The good news is: I've got a Hermione rubber doll for you.
- Cool! Awesome! - I want to see it, too!
- I want to see too! - Yes, the bad news is:
For some reason the real Hermione
has turned into a pile of rubber.
- Oh God! Oh God! - Hermione?
How could that happen?
- Hermione? - Oh, should I have warned you,
that this might shock you?
Ah, here we are... I'll just take this mirror and blind you with it!
Blindy, blindy, blindy, blindy, Well, now it's a lot better, right?
well go eff yourself, then!
Hermione, the things I could do with your body now...,
I believe,
it'd be true love if I don't do it.
Oh yes? Fuck you, man!
- Fuck you! - Children, hold your snouts!
- We're not saying anything. - Once again something terrible
has happened to a student, therefore the following new safety precautions will be in force:
First: No student is allowed to go to the loo on their own.
Second, if you need to go to the loo then ask a teacher if he joins you.
And thirdly,
you are not allowed to wipe your butt on your own but you will have to ask a teacher to assist you, too!
Also, Professor Fuckshard wants you to know that he'd be more than happy to help you!
And the school might have to be closed down if we cannot find out
who is behind all those terrible incidents.
And then I have to go retire and \hlive in my villa on Mallorca.
So, it wasn't me.
Oh, how bad!
Oh boy! The only thing that could cheer me up now is messing with Hagrid.
But messing with Hagrid is no fun without Hermione.
And even if we had fun,
it would be fun without Hermione, and that is mathematically impossible.
But if we do not have fun without Hermione, then that's double negative and that'll bring her back.
That sounds so stupid, \hthat it could work, okay.
- Great party! - Hey guys, do you want more beer?
Stupid party noise cassette. Nobody's listening to it, anyway.
- Open up already, smelly bastard! - Yes!
Who's there?
This is a doorbell prank!
Doorbell what?
Oh man, it get's funnier each time...
- What's the matter? You always answer. - Listen kids, firstly you're not invited,
and secondly, the party is already over.
You missed all the fun.
There's still cake, so come on in.
- Do you want tea? - Okay. - Nice teacup, Hagrid.
Looks really great. I assume that was a gift.
- Yes! Yes, a gift ... - And really no one has had a bit of cake?
What a shame. I assume you made that all by yourself.
But they were all full, because, \hI had baked two cakes.
Oh I see, but why does this place look as if ...
As if the carpet is made from your own hair.
As if no one turned up and you celebrated on your own.
Yes, because that would be really pathetic!
Didn't you hear the music? Things went crazy here!
Oh my God! Oh my God, \hreal guests! Scram!
How good that I took the invisble invisibility cloak that makes one invisible.
- Yes.
How did you find it?
Oh my God! Hi I...
- Oh hello! - Yo, it's me, Fresh D,
heard there's a party going on
thus I popped by, brought another guy
he's my gift to you.
Oh cool, thanks!
- Come in, please! - Yo!
- Mate, Fresh Dumbledore! - Come on in, man!
- He came to Hagrid's birthday party. - Naturally.
And he even brought a gift.
Yes, so your gift
is from the red-light district. Cost me 50 quid!
I admit this is a rather seasoned type, but I'm sure you can still stuff it pretty well.
Oui, I wanted to say,
that 50 € are a bit too little, since this guy is clearly oversize.
- What? I'm not gonna pay more! - Oh, I'm not really into you anymay.
I'm more into true blondes.
Hi, I'm Lucy Malfoy.
I happened to be in the area \hand thought I'd drop by.
- Blonde! - Oh right, that's right!
I am a real blonde.
I'd sit down on a radiator and wait for it to lick me.
- That smell... like that Weasley boy. - No that...
- No, that's not me. - Shhh, Ron!
No, that's right, he's got an entirely different voice.
Oh my god, it's true, it's Fresh Dumbledore?
Yo! Do I need to recognise you from anywhere for any particular reason?
Yes, I'm the president of the record company
of 'Fresh Dumbledore Enterprises "
- And we are waiting for a new album from you. - Oh, that's you!
- Hadn't recognised you. - Here's the contract you signed.
Always got it with me, just in case...
Contract, huh?
- Yes, the album! The album is almost finished. - But we have a feeling that you are no longer
longer the lord of the rings.
- What? - "in control of your things" is what I meant, of course.
I always confuse you with \hthis Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings".
who we're probably going to sign for a new contract if you don't happen to deliver a new album quite soon.
You can't do that, \hafter all, this is Fresh Dumbledore!
He and his lines are the epitome of style and creativity!
Oh, really?
Shut your fat face, Hagrid!
Hey, if my record company wishes to,
sack me, then I will of course
Burst with anger.
Honestly, though:
I would just like to say:
The guy who played Gandalf in "Lord of the Rings" is the same one who played Magneto in "X-Men" and that is a guy
with an incredibly
silly helmet.
Absolutely convincing argument.
OK. You're still on.
You're still on, so long, Dumbledore!
You're still on,
- I'm doing it for the kids. I'm doing it all for the kids. - You're still on ...
Oh, parsley, I'll keep that for later.
Save some for me!
All goddamn day I'm forced to lying here and listen to you.
I wish you were with us.
- I am with you, you stupid ass! - We miss you so much.
And what I miss most about you is
your feminine, loving voice.
- I can't bear to listen to you anymore! Shut - But you probably can't even hear us.
your stupid face, you wanker!
- And stop touching me! - Perhaps we have to kiss her, like Sleeping Beauty.
- What's this? - At last, now that you've
peeked under my skirt for a dozen times, you're finally checking my hand.
Thank you, now read the note!
What's this?
- I ... I think that's ... - Read the paper, come on!
This is rubbish which Hermione absolutely \hwanted to throw away!
No! How can you be so goddamn stupid ?!
- I hate you, you stupid fucking wankers! - Come on, we'll look for a bin!
Don't you dare walk away when I insult you mentally!
I've never noticed that there aren't any bins arount the whole of the castle.
I always throw my rubbish out the window.
But now honestly, Hermione was a swot \hand swots are always like
"Save the Whales" and what not.
Maybe that was her dying wish, to throw away this note.
But perhaps her dying wish might have been for us to look at the note
and ... and read it.
I can see you, Harry.
And myself.
And a fire.
You know what?
I think we should look at the note
and just read it, what do you think?
- You're so smart, it'd never have gotten that idea. - Okay, so let's read it.
"Dear Miss Granger, please return your 'Rubber Fuck Master 500' to us immediately.
there has been an increase in side effects, such as rubberi- ... "
- Rubberisation, that's it! - What the hell is a "Rubber Fuck Master"?
If it's going to harm my masculine self-esteem, I don't want to know.
Hermione's got a reply for that, too...
Huh? I don't get it. What's going on, mate? - Microphone test 1 ...
Hey, this is mine, this is my mic!
So, I think Hermione was right.
Everything must lead to a common reason.
I think "Pi-pes" is Parisian.
And it means: Pipes.
- A long one? - Fresh D Micro Check!
Second try: True Satanist, now you're gonna be dissed,
and next time I'll give you my all if you smear graffiti on my wall, fuck off!
- Come on, quickly! - Yes.
Ui! Uiuiui!
Uiuiuiuiui! Here you can see,
the work of the Satanist.
The entire wall is smeared, \hand it's full of spelling mistakes.
Yes, death is written is spelt with an "EA"
- not with just an "E", so dumb! - Come on, let's hide inconspicuously behind this corner.
I can see you, Potter, and hear you well.
I'm awesome at hide and seek.
The worst case we've anticipated has occured.
The true Satanist has struck again and the school must be closed.
Hi, it's me, Gilderoy Fuckshard,
known from movies like "Fucking Fuck on Fuck Tower".
Yes, by now we all know your name, you can stop introducing yourself.
introducing m-myself?
Hello, I'm Severus Snape, known from songs, \hlike "I hate you" and "Just get lost."
Don't you recognise it? I sang it outside your door for three days straight.
Apparently you can't do much else apart from introducing yourself and your films.
And nobody needs maths if you can do magic, thus you are hereby sacked.
Oh, what a pity.
Well, then I'll probably have to commit to another project.
A porn.
- Hi, it's me Filch, I'm having another cameo. - Ciao!
Whose blood is that on the wall, Minerva?
Ginny Weasley, I think.
Strawberry days, I'm guessing
Shit, my future wife.
- Harry, where are you going? - Gilderoy Fuckshard has been part in so many porn productions.
He must have heard of the Rubber Fuck Master.
We have to ask him before he gets away.
- He's our only chance of saving Hermione! Professor! - Professor!
Professor, you ...
Ever heard of knocking?
Did you see something?
No, we did not catch a glimpse of all the women's clothes lying about.
Then it's all right.
Then I did not catch a glimpse of the jizz stains on Ron's trousers.
- That's custard! - I'm really sorry,
but I have no time for you, \hI'm working on an important project
and must prepare myself intensively.
Ah yes, my two-page script. - But you really must tell us everything
you know about dildos!
This is a matter of life and death!
Just so you know, I could charge you only for talking about that.
- Now leave me alone, I have to go. - Wait a second: Just one question:
- Do you know the "Rubber Fuck Master 500"? - Yes, I was involved in the development.
- Did you know that it rubberises people? - Of course I knew that, but if I had told
everyone from the start, nobody would've bought it, \hand I wouldn't have become rich.
You are a corrupt man
who exploits the sexual needs of others to fill his own pockets.
You're such a meanie!
Oh, Shut up! Since you mention it,
yes, I am corrupt, very corrupt even.
So corrupt that I sleep with little boys in secret porn cellars
and earn a great deal of money while the little boy rots away in the gutter.
And now that you know my secret, I will unfortunately have to kill you with my magic wand.
Through our superior intellect, we've seen through your cruel plan to kill us.
- Crap. - And now you will tell us
- Where the secret porn cellar is. - Yes.
There we are.
My God.
Were all those rumors true?
Is it really...?
Could it be...
that you're fucking with me and showing me the secret porn basin instead of the secret porn cellar?
- Well, I don't... - Hey, maybe there is something underneath,
and you have to press the secret porn button, or say "Open Sesame" or something.
Have you been eating Mentos, or why you're so smart?
Speaking of "Open Sesame"
There was that one phrase my mum said shortly before she died.
No, don't kill me, I have a family!
Kill them!
Yo momma is sucking dicks in hell.
I must made that up.
Well, if that isn't a big, deep hole. Not that I lack the experience...
So, see you, you morons!
I'm alright!
We'll just take the ladder, right?
Yeah, and then all this action shit happened, among other things:
"Super Hero Action Power Ron" who had the power to find people's weakspots.
What a boring stone.
Pass it over.
Kamehame Ha!
Ah yes, just like I suspected.
Without his neck he's defenseless.
Yes, and then I ran through that room
with all those snakeheads, and for some reason, Ginny was lyin there.
And then it transpired that Tom Todger made her smear the walls with blood
so everyone thinks I'm the real Satanist, \hso that my reputation is damaged,
because he was kind of jealous that my child porn "Harry Popper: Small but already shagged Part 1"
knocked his own child porn \h"Tom Todger in Todger Paradise"
off first place of the Child Porn charts.
And I'm jealous of you because you you knocked me off first place of the porn charts.
That's what I just covered in the off.
And completely out of style with previous narration
there came that killer fat snake \hthat somehow wanted to fight.
But I obviously defeated it, and...
then Tom Todger exploded.
And then we all could fly.
- And this is really how it all happened. - Not true,
- There was no ladder in the hole! - Yeah, well, I admit I added that.
- Oh. - Yeah, very nice of you to summira-... summari...
sum all that up, but you're aware of the fact that you broke a few rulez?
- Yes. - Yeah, can't say that I find that totally lit!
You may be my homies, but those who break the school rulez will be punished!
And that's why you'll get you what you deserve now:
A "3rd place in the dog beauty contest" certificate.
- Thank you. I've never won anything! - Very well done, you two!
So, then let me come buzzing round my pimped resolute desk.
Got this certificate for you ho, and I'm sure you're dying to know,
and outside there's a gift for you, who could've 'thinked' that too?
- A pack of Turkish Delight, all right? - Yay!
Yay, Turkish Delights!
- Yay! Yeah! Yeah Yeah Yeah ... - Yeah, well that was...
- A clever distraction on my part. - Yay! Yay!
And us two, Harry, we really need to have a serious word now.
- Yes? - Would you have a look round my office.
Just look at all those pretty things.
Do you think they pay off just like that?
Being a rapper, you don't earn that much money these days.
I remember when they invented rap. That was in sixteen hundred twelve and thirty
Napoleon and I used to have a school band.
And we were the coolest kids because we had mics while
the others hadn't even invented the light bulb. - Yes, well ...
I don't mean to insult you or something, but maybe you had better take a nap and take a tablet.
- What? - Because I've got the feeling that you are...
babbling incoherent nonsense.
I'll tell you what, boy
Just because I'm standing on my own beard and thus can't move any further, that doesn't mean
that I'm an old geezer.
There's a reason why I'm telling you all this, and let me make this very clear now:
The school budget is tight.
Well, my Hip Hop doen't earn enough money.
Yes ... yes ... yes, and?
Sometimes students need do something for the school, you know?
- Shoot child pornography, for example ... - What?
Does that mean you've known of the secret porn cellar for all this time?
Known of my fate?
Yes, I'm really sorry for you.
... And she's like "Yes"
and I'm like "No" and then she's like "Yes".
Well, but in the end
I did get this hat here.
Lovely, isn't it?
Yes, you were actually going to tell me about the...
- porn cellar ... - Yeah, I'm in the middle of that!
This is all part of the story.
You need to know the background details \hto understand it all, you know?
It's no use beating around the bush, \hsometimes you have to get to the point,
- Yes? - Yes.
Just plainly say what's the matter and not just ...
Oh, look here, \hI just made myself a nice toast with jam.
- Look, still sticky. - Oh is that Hartley's?
Nice, sharp bread knife, isn't it?
Not sure where I got it from.
- I think Flori lent it to me. - But it says "Property of Godric Gryffindor."
Oh! Does it? I mean, I found it.
It was here when I moved in, you see?
Fresh Dumbledore's office entrance,
come in...
Hey, you broke my office doorbell!
- Hello. - Hey!
Draco Malfoy's daddy!
Looks like he could spare those four euros for a blowjob, right?
What was that?
Four euros? You said "€50". Just you wait until we get home.
Stop making funny noises while I'm walking!
Hi, I'm Lucy Malfoy, President of your record company, in case you've forgotten.
And in case you're here to sack me,
I've sued you for unlimited employment, because I accidentally slipped on a wet floor
and fell down the stairs.
Oh damn!
Well well, a wet floor on company premises, but no "Caution Wet Floor" sign.
I guess I must have slipped accidentally.
I could've claimed compensations.
That was you, you did ...
What? What did I do?
You caused that wet floor.
You incontinent git peed all over the hallways
and then slipped on your own piss, \hto work for me forever.
Only an idiot could come up with such a silly idea.
- Why you looking at me? - Sorry, old habit.
So, since you are now working with us forever, \hWhen you are planning to produce
the next album?
In 20 years.
And what shall I
publish in the meantime?
I'll quickly read Harry's thoughts.
Ducktales, wohoo!
All right.
- Ah yes. - Yo, Fresh D soft toys, Fresh D cornflakes,
Fresh D jackknives, everything a child loves.
And now for the most specialic thing:
Which is my
Rhyme book.
What should I do with it?
Ah, shit is what you should do with it. It only holds all my rhymes and all my crimes.
This is, one might say,
Fresh Dumbledore's brain in book format.
Each page is worth a mint and one could produce a track with it, but
you won't get it.
Oh, what a pity.
I shall be on my way, then.
And perhaps Mr Potter will continue to make silly noises while I'm walking.
Don't worry.
I will.
Who the hell are you?
That's me.
Senile old fart!
Come, Dobby!
Stop making funny noises!
Oh, those stupid idiots
- They've seen me for the last time. - Mr Malfoy! Mr Malfoy!
Hello Hello!
Hello,take note of me!
- Yes what do you want? - I thought to myself,
maybe you could sign me, too! Here's my rhyme book.
You ... you can rhyme?
Well, I'm not that great, but ...
let me give you a demonstration:
The small swine is mine, I'm fine, my swine is
a swine.
You used "swine" twice?
Yes, "swine" rhymes best to "swine".
Here, Dobby, hold this rag for me.
I'll tell you what:
I would not even sign you on,
if you were a wart on my arse.
Got it?
Was that a chat-up to have sex with me?
Come, Dobby.
Time for that 4-euro blowjob.
Open it!
- Oh, wow! - Where are you, Dobby?
I didn't know that Master cares so much about Dobby's health.
What? I don't ...
The best protection against HIV, herpes and syphilis in one:
A cotton condom!
Fuck you, man!
So, then Harry Potter has been pretending all along
about becoming a rapper because he knew that I'd get the book?
Yes, sure, I knew that.
Hey look, Hermione's in the door!
What? What Where? What?
* Titty Jiggle Cam *
What's the matter?
You must have hardly been able to wash yourself while you were rubberised.
Well, you've got quite a pungent, fishy smell.
You stink of dog shit.
And what have you been up to while I was rubberised?
We went to Disneyland.
And I went on the Tea Cup ride, and Goofy and I shook hands.
Children, hold your snouts for a moment, \hFresh Dumbledore wants to say
"Bye" in his very individual manner.
Yo, another year has passed,
and yet this rap song will not be my last,
and I still do old chicks, just did these two today,
proving that "dumb fucks well" is still valid to say.
or something like that, you know what I mean,
So check my fucking rhyme book to see that it's clean!
I'm so glad that I don't have to listen to that for six whole weeks!
- I hate Dumbledore! - Yeah and
I really can't be bothered to give out house points
so I'll just say,
like they do in Dora the Explorer:
Everyone's a winner!
Oh what a bastard!
I have a vagina.
And the good news is:
We have not been sued!
I feel as if I've forgotten something really important.
Thanks to all kidz out there! Thats all for you! 1996 01:28:20,147 --> 00:00:00,000 English subtitles by: Lalelilolu, Phloneme, DiZCrowd and Minecreeperlp
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Harry Potter und der geheime P****keller [Full HD] mit Untertiteln

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Amy.Lin published on November 3, 2019
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