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  • (upbeat music)

  • - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,

  • the only news team that doesn't know

  • what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

  • Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.

  • This is Breaking News.

  • - Welcome back to Breaking News,

  • the show where we don't know what we're about to say

  • and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

  • I'm Brian Watterson.

  • - And I'm Fat Bastard.

  • (anchors laughing)

  • - Our top story tonight, the school admissions scandal

  • has widened with more parents bribing

  • their children's way into college.

  • - I ate a baby!

  • - Interestingly, the scandal continues to include

  • really middle-tier universities like USC

  • where no parent would ever be proud of their child going.

  • - I'm bigger than you.

  • I'm higher on the food chain.

  • Get in my belly!

  • - This reporter fears the scandal might grow to include;

  • Rice, which you hear about once every ten years or so;

  • Carnegie Mellon, which is probably impressive

  • if you have the misfortune of living in Pittsburg;

  • and Marquette, which I dare you

  • to even guess what state that's in.

  • - I got a crap poking out that could choke a donkey.

  • I'm gettin' all emotional from it.

  • - The scandal has extended to include my alma mater,

  • Dartmouth University.

  • Dartmouth, the Washington Generals of the ivy league.

  • Dartmouth, for the students bright enough for Columbia,

  • but not hot enough for New York.

  • - Sorry, I fart.

  • (anchors laughing)

  • - Interestingly, Dartmouth doesn't have an official mascot,

  • because honestly why would we ever need one?

  • But our unofficial mascot, Keggy,

  • is an anthropomorphic keg created by students

  • because get this, college students like beer.

  • That's the kind of creativity and originality

  • that got us into the ivy league.

  • Fat Bastard, where did you go to college?

  • - Penn State!

  • (anchors laughing)

  • - Very good.

  • We turn now to Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe for sports.

  • (Bob mimicking bark)

  • - Hey, Brian. Hey, Fat Bastard.

  • I'm here to talk about the sport of the summer,

  • water skiing.

  • Apple Valley Lake is holding its annual Water Ski-Off

  • this weekend, and like anything involving boats,

  • it's sure to be douchey.

  • People who own speed bumps are the same kind of people

  • who think nobody hits their kids enough anymore,

  • or who drink wine with ice in it.

  • Summer on the lake looks like a PSA

  • on the dangers of skin cancer.

  • Everyone there is at best a libertarian.

  • The Ski-Off is an amateur water skiing contest.

  • That means people will mostly be- (hissing)

  • - What's that Bulldog?

  • - I said. (gasping)

  • That means people-

  • (anchors laughing)

  • That means people will mostly be sitting on a boat

  • with their cousin trying to pretend

  • to be in whatever baseball team he's talking about,

  • waiting their turn to get in the water.

  • Once they do, they'll try for twenty

  • frustarating minutes to get up on skis

  • before finally giving up out of embarassment.

  • The winner will be whoever is the first person

  • to suggest tubing, water skiing's less cool,

  • but more fun friend.

  • It's like I always say,

  • 'Tube! Tube tube tube!

  • Tube you tubs tube!'

  • Back- (sputtering, laughing)

  • Back to you, Fat Bastard.

  • - I eat because I'm unhappy

  • (anchors laughing)

  • and I'm unhappy because

  • because I eat!

  • - Speaking of which, let's go now to our restaurant critic,

  • Golda Meir. No Relation.

  • Golda, you're at a pie festival, is that right?

  • - That's right Brian, I'm sampling

  • all the pies made by local bakers.

  • - And what's been the standout?

  • - Oh I always go for the classics,

  • so there was a really tasty cherry pie.

  • - Mmm, sounds good, what else have you tried?

  • - Oh my! Well, there's been apple pie, pumpkin pie,

  • pump can pie, pecan pie, pee can pie, pee pump pie,

  • Boston creme pie, Austin creme pie, chicken pot pie,

  • coward pot pie, strawberry pie, poon tang pie.

  • - Oh my.

  • - It has a dirty name, yes, but it's made with

  • a grapefruit curd and meringue.

  • Don't worry though, it for sure tastes like (audio cuts).

  • - Mmm.

  • - Mmm. There was chocolate pie.

  • Croc-lets pie, that's pie made with crocs.

  • Mince meat pie, Prince meat pie,

  • that's pie made from Prince's dead body.

  • Rinse meat pie,

  • that's pie made from meat you hold under the faucet.

  • Blueberry pie, and, of course, humble pie.

  • - I love pie.

  • - I love gold!

  • - We all do.

  • That's all for us on Breaking News.

  • Of course, this weeks loser is Shukri Abdi.

  • Keep up the good work Shukri.

  • Thank you for watching.

  • Well that was a good time.

  • - That was a very good time.

  • - Hi, I still don't know what I'm about to say,

  • because I'm a big stupid idiot.

  • If you liked this video, you can go to hell,

  • and then you can go to dropout.tv

  • to start your free trial, today.

  • For every episode of Breaking News that's here,

  • there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.

  • Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien.

  • Which is Irish for Grant of Brian.

(upbeat music)

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Don't Laugh News Challenge: Get In My Belly!

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    林宜悉 posted on 2019/10/19
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