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- I was at home when my son busted in
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and he said, "Dad, Dad, I need $250."
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He's only 12 years old so I freaked out.
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"What's going on nigger?
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"Somebody trying to kill you?"
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(audience laughing)
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He said, "No, no.
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"Kevin Hart's coming to town and I wanted to see his show."
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I said, "Well, how much are the tickets?"
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He said, "They're $125."
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I said, "God damn, mine are only $80!"
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(audience laughing)
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I said, "Why do you need $250 then?"
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He goes, "Because I want to go with you, Dad, please?"
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And there it is.
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So I took him to the show.
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And we go sit right up front, the lights go down,
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and one opening act after another goes on.
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Then Kevin takes the stage, crowd goes fucking nuts.
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Thousands of people!
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I was furious.
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(audience laughing)
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The longer the show went on, the madder I got.
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Because his show was fucking outstanding.
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It was maddening.
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These people fucking holding their stomachs,
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my son was slapping his knee.
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
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Ugh, nigger, I do this too.
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(audience laughing)
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Kevin says good night, the crowd goes crazy,
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and then everyone starts walking towards the door,
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and the lights come on.
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And then my son is just standing there
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looking at an empty stage.
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People are pushing past me and nobody's recognized me,
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and I'm like, "Man, this place fucking sucks!"
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(audience laughing)
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I said, "Come on son, lets get out of here."
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And then my son looks back at me and he says,
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"Dad, please, please, I have to meet him."
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I was like, "Oh my God."
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So I took him back stage.
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I've known Kevin for years,
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but can you believe I was scared
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to knock on his dressing room door?
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I almost, "Son, I haven't seen him or a long time, but I,"
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(knocking)
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And one of Kevin's goons opens the door.
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"Hey what's up Dave Chappelle, what are you doing, man?
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"It's good to see ya brother,
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"what are you doing in this area?
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"This is a terrible area."
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"Yeah, actually I live around here.
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"Listen, um,
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(audience laughing)
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"is Kevin here?
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"My son just wanted to meet him real quick."
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"Well, I don't know, 'cause Kevin's about to eat dinner."
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Just then, Kevin came around the corner to see who it was.
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"Oh shit, what's up Dave?
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"Come on back, I was just about to have dinner.
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"I don't know if you guys ate,
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"but you're welcome to join me if you'd like."
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And then my son pushed past with some cold shit, he goes,
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"Actually, Mr. Hart, we haven't eaten in several hours."
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(audience laughing)
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Man, Kevin took us into his back room,
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this guy had a fucking spread, it was Tuesday night,
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this mother fucker was having Sunday dinner!
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It was steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it.
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My son was eating all fast and embarrassing me,
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I was like, "Slow down, son!"
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(audience laughing)
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Then I looked over in the corner, there was a box.
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Custom made jerseys for the local team.
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Each one was hand-stitched,
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and on the back they stitched on them K Hart,
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on all of them.
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Kevin saw me staring at that box,
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and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys
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and he walked right to my son and said,
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"Hey little man, I want you to have this."
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And my son was like, "Thanks, Mr. Hart."
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This is when I got mad.
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He goes, "If your father ever makes you mad, put that on."
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And he walked off.
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(audience applauding)
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Oh, that was some cold shit.
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And then I realized, looked up what Kevin made on Google,
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I couldn't believe that shit.
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Kevin is the first comedian
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that a Drake song could be about.
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Kevin could walk around the house and sing "All Me"
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and the whole song would still be true.
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♪ Got everything, I got everything ♪
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♪ I cannot complain, I cannot ♪
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♪ I don't even know how much I really made ♪
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♪ I forgot, it's a lot ♪
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♪ Fuck that, never mind what I got ♪
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And his wife be like, "Kevin come to bed."
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And he'd be like,
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"Ho, shut the fuck up, I got way too much."
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(audience laughing)
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You know how much money you have to have
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to tell a girl to shut the fuck up?
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I have quite please money at best.
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(audience laughing)
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I have to take a loan out for shut the fuck up.
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Shut the fuck up, that's Jay-Z money.
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And Beyonce got no, you shut the fuck up.