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  • hey friends ~ welcome back

  • hope everyone's having a beautiful weekend.. day..

  • whenever you watch this

  • so today we're gonna talk about something that you guys seemed really excited about..

  • when I kind of alluded to this a few weeks ago

  • which is about relationships and being single

  • and how to be happy while you're single

  • and overcoming heartbreak and all that good stuff

  • for this specific video, I thought I'd get into about 7 tips or just like the 7 processes

  • of how I personally got over heartbreak 4 years ago

  • and how it took me about 3-4 years..

  • for me to get to where I am to fully embrace what it means to be alone

  • and what it means to just be happy and content and good..

  • actually great on your own

  • so a little context.. I've been single for about 4 years now

  • this wasn't like a deliberate thing

  • I didn't set out to be single and like not date for 4 years

  • it was more of a - I'm gonna work on myself until I meet someone else

  • because I've been in a..

  • I've been in two relationships spanning a total of about 7 years

  • they're pretty much back-to-back

  • heartbreak never really is an easy thing but if you can learn from it then..

  • it's actually a really really beautiful thing

  • because it's always darkest before dawn

  • and before I go on more and ramble more..

  • let's just get started with this video

  • again, these tips were kind of in the order of how..

  • it's like the little nuggets of wisdom I enlightened to along the way

  • that helped me get to where I am today

  • so it kind of happened in that order

  • I tried to make it in that order as much as possible

  • so the first thing is..

  • "two mediocrities never make one great company"

  • this is actually a quote from one of my favorite business books called "Good To Great"

  • if two "meh" companies merged and become one company..

  • two mediocre things cannot make a great thing

  • and when I read this around the time when..

  • it was like the first time I broke up with my ex

  • and then didn't know if we're gonna get back together

  • and then I wanted to get back together

  • and then we did end up kind of getting back together

  • but like we didn't make it official

  • so I'm sure many of you guys can relate to what I just said

  • that like forever dancing in the gray zone area

  • I remember reading 'Good To Great'

  • this was around 2014 and I was just like dude that is so true

  • two "okay" people aren't going to come together and become a great couple

  • and I think that's what I thought for most of my youth up until my early 20s

  • it doesn't matter if I'm not okay..

  • but as long as I have someone.. they'll make things okay for me

  • and that's very unrealistic and I guess kind of irresponsible because..

  • you're putting a lot of expectations and a lot of pressure on someone else..

  • when you being "okay" should be like an internal self thing

  • that was the first thing that I learned

  • you know no matter how much you love someone

  • and no matter how much they love you

  • if you guys both aren't at a good place mentally, physically..

  • whatever in your career..

  • like if you're not grounded in who you are and what's important to you..

  • it doesn't really matter how great your significant other is

  • it doesn't really matter how much they love you

  • because at the end of the day

  • if you don't know yourself and if you don't love yourself..

  • nothing else is really gonna matter

  • I owe it to myself and I owe it to my future significant other, to my future husband..

  • that I spend this time that I have working on myself to figure out myself

  • and to be the best that I can be

  • assuming that he's doing the same thing wherever he is right now

  • I have no idea where he is but like wherever he is..

  • he's doing it too so that when two great people come together..

  • you help each other propel to become like even better versions of yourself

  • but that comes at the foundation of you're already trying to do that on your own

  • "Greatness is not a function of circumstances."

  • "Greatness, it turns out, is largely a matter of conscious choice and discipline."

  • so at the end of the day.. it really comes down to ourselves

  • it really comes down to our thoughts

  • it really comes down to our intentions

  • and like what we want to do and what we want to see happen

  • for ourselves and for our future selves

  • the second thing is your "person" does not need to be your significant other

  • when I say "person" it's like.. I like having my person

  • I like having a person

  • I like knowing that I have someone there for me

  • regardless if they're physically there if they're whatever

  • I just like knowing I have a person

  • I convinced myself again throughout my youth and throughout my early 20s..

  • that my "person" had to be my significant other..

  • and when I let go of this really odd notion my whole world just opened up

  • and my whole world completely changed because..

  • I realized my "person" can be my parents

  • my "person" can be my family.. my cousins

  • my "person" can be my friends

  • my "person" could be anyone

  • ultimately the most important thing was that I realized my "person" can be myself

  • like I can be my own person

  • and when I realized that I was like..

  • ~ whoaaaa this is wildd ~

  • the person that I've been waiting for my whole life

  • the person that I've been looking for like..

  • the "best friend" I've always wanted

  • the boyfriend that I've always wanted

  • the person who would take care of me

  • that is me... like..

  • ~ hellooo ~

  • this whole time I was looking outside

  • I was looking externally for this thing to fill this void in my heart and in my soul

  • and this whole time I've been sitting right here right where I am

  • and this isn't to say that your person can't be your significant other

  • I feel like your person should be your significant other

  • but the main takeaway is that your person can be multiple people

  • and that your person can be yourself

  • so the third thing is to..

  • take time to make sense with why things happen the way they did

  • so one of my favorite quotes in the book that I'm currently reading

  • 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven' is..

  • "In order to move on, you must understand.."

  • "..why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

  • breaking up with my ex..

  • my most recent ex that is not recent at all

  • it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because..

  • it was more about letting go of my attachments to a lot of things..

  • rather than letting go of him

  • what I mean by that is..

  • it had less to do with him..

  • I mean it has everything to do with him because he was the one..

  • who made me feel all these things and made me realize all of these things

  • but it also had nothing to do with him because it was all about me

  • it was all about the thoughts in my head

  • it was all about my thoughts and my notions and my attachments to myself..

  • and to how I wanted other people to perceive me

  • to how I wanted to live this like perfect life

  • and how I wanted to have the image at least of being a perfect person

  • so I wanted to date a perfect person which on paper my ex was

  • tall, good looking, good family, good school

  • I mean we went to the same school..

  • had a good job

  • all the things that you can check off..

  • on the check boxes that you want in your ideal build-a-boy kit

  • yeah so he had all of that

  • and I think another layer of it was like you know..

  • I think it's like a thing that girls want to do..

  • like if all the girls like this one guy..

  • you want to see if you can be the one to like get that one and lock him down

  • you guys know what I mean

  • what I realized with all of that was...

  • it had so much more to do with my ego and my vanity

  • and my attachment to being perceived a certain way

  • to be perceived as like this cool girl or this girl who's like..

  • so whatever that she gets to like.. you know be with this guy

  • and it had less to do about him

  • and I realized this is why..

  • I allowed myself to be in a relationship that wasn't making me happy

  • because if you're so attached to..

  • for me it was like satisfying my ego

  • I allowed a lot of things to slide that should have been non-negotiables

  • and so with all of that..

  • if you don't take time to reflect, to think, to process..

  • what happened and why things happened the way they did..

  • you won't really be able to move forward from it

  • or you really.. you won't be able to learn from it

  • so #3.. importance of making time to make sense of the past

  • so that #4.. you can try to start letting go of the past

  • letting go of the past has a lot to do with forgiveness

  • so forgiving yourself..

  • forgiving the things that you've done or maybe some things you've said

  • or maybe some things that you weren't proud of

  • let go isn't just like.. ugh I don't care anymore

  • I'm not going to think about it

  • letting go really is like a process where you see reality for what it is

  • you see your past for what it is

  • you thank it.. you are grateful for it..

  • for it to show you the things and for it to teach you all the things that you've learned

  • and for you to be able to move on from it..

  • in like a very non-emotional, peaceful, rational way

  • and I think that's one of the hardest things

  • and that's.. I think the thing that took me the longest

  • to really be able to identify what caused me all the pain

  • and why I felt all the pain

  • and why I no longer need to feel all the pain

  • so taking time to make sense of the past..

  • letting go of the past..

  • #5.. so that you can fully fully focus on yourself in the present.. in this moment

  • because.. it goes..

  • it all goes back to two mediocre companies do not make a great company

  • and the importance of self-care

  • the importance taking care of yourself

  • the importance of learning about who you are..

  • learning about the things you are passionate about..

  • learning about what moves you, learning about what drives you..

  • learning about what wakes you up in the morning

  • what makes you want to get up in the morning

  • I just hit my lamp

  • so many things for us to learn and discover about ourselves

  • and I think a really great question to ask yourself is..

  • are you you arrr..

  • ~ arrh arh rawr arrror arour ~

  • are you your own best friend

  • it's the saying that you need to be your own best friend before you can be someone else's best friend

  • and I think this is relevant in a platonic sense and a romantic sense..

  • where you really need to know who you are..

  • before you can be really good in a relationship with anyone else

  • so another quote from 'Good To Great'..

  • "When what you are deeply passionate about, what you can be the best in the world at.."

  • "..and what drives your economic engine come together.."

  • "..not only does your work move toward greatness, but so does your life"

  • "For, in the end, it is impossible to have a great life unless it is a meaningful life."

  • "And it is very difficult to have a meaningful life without meaningful work."

  • "Perhaps, then, you might gain that rare tranquility that comes from knowing that.."

  • "..you've had a hand in creating something of intrinsic excellence that makes a contribution."

  • "Indeed, you might even gain the deepest of all satisfactions..."

  • "..knowing that your short time here on earth has been well spent, and that it mattered."

  • by focusing on yourself, by focusing on your work..

  • by focusing on your own life is so important because meaning, right?

  • like meaning in life, meaning in work, knowing what's important to you..

  • knowing what's meaningful to you and doing that

  • taking time to focus on yourself..

  • taking time to figure out what's important to you..

  • is so so so important because..

  • that quote to me is what it means to live a meaningful life

  • and many people don't because it's so easy to settle for good

  • for a good life rather than a great life

  • #6 is to make the best of this "alone" time

  • so I say "alone" because if you think being alone is a terrible thing..

  • and it's the worst thing in the world

  • and you hate being alone in your own thoughts and just being by yourself..

  • then you're gonna have a really hard time coping with being alone

  • but if you see being alone through a different lens..

  • through a different light, through a different perspective of how..

  • so this is something that I learned..

  • when I was in Taiwan taking care of my grandpa in 2014 right after I graduated

  • I realized that as a child you grow up and when you grow up..

  • you have maybe a few years in your 20s to just really be by yourself

  • you get married and you have children..

  • and then you spend 18-20 years raising this child to become an adult

  • you have maybe another 2, 3, 4, 5 years for yourself..

  • to kind of like figure out what you want to do

  • and this is generally the time where you have a mid-life crisis

  • where you're like okay..

  • my purpose and my existence of being for the past 18-20 years has just left the nest

  • my child, you know, is off being an adult

  • so like who am I and what do I do with myself

  • and then you have a few years to figure this out

  • and then your parents start getting old

  • then you start having to take care of your parents

  • and it just never really ends

  • when I realized this in 2014..

  • I was like okay.. if this is my future..

  • if I only have these next few years to figure out who I am and to work on myself

  • then I should not take it for granted

  • and like I should take this alone time as something so precious

  • because when a kid comes out.. you don't have something called "alone time"

  • so I think it's so important to embrace the beauty and the privilege..

  • of having this time for ourselves.. for myself..

  • for yourself to do the things that we want to do

  • to figure out who we are and what's important to us

  • and to try all the things we want to try

  • go to the places we want to go to, travel to, to eat things..

  • to start the companies you want to start

  • to start a YouTube channel

  • to do anything that you want to do because this is the time to do it

  • like there's no better time to do all the things you want to do

  • *clap clap clap*

  • so yeah I think just having time...

  • it's so.. so.. .

  • like it really is a privilege

  • and I think when you learn to appreciate that time..

  • time in general and time for yourself..

  • beautiful things will happen

  • and the 7th thing is follow the course of nature

  • trust in yourself trust.. in the mighty forces..

  • just have faith in yourself, have faith in the universe, have faith in God..

  • that things will happen when they're supposed happened

  • because I really realized and found that when I fight and chase something..

  • be it a relationship.. be it anything..

  • I will probably have to spend the coming months and the coming years..

  • fighting for it and chasing it

  • and fighting for something like that and chasing something like that is so tiring

  • and for me it got too tiring

  • I was fighting for my ego..

  • and I was chasing this status and chasing this image or this..

  • yeah this image of myself that's just so silly

  • and I'm at a place now where I realize the most important thing that I can do right now..

  • and the only thing that's fully in my control..

  • *???*

  • I look like a.. like a.. like a fly they're like..

  • *Rowena the fly*

  • the only thing that I have in my full control is myself

  • working on myself, working on bettering myself..

  • working on figuring out who I am and what's important to me

  • and what I want to do, the person I wanna be

  • so that when the person is placed in front of me or when our..

  • ~crah.. craths pahss~ *struggling*

  • when our paths cross..

  • it's just two great people being great together

  • ya so the past 4 years just kind of flew by with me being not in a relationship

  • and I think I'm just at a point in my life right now where..

  • I am so aware of who I am.. the good and the bad

  • and I'm so aware of the person that..

  • I'm so aware of my values and what's important to me so that it's..

  • it's not that it's hard to find someone who shares the same values but like it's pretty hard

  • I don't think many people share..

  • would share the same values as me

  • the more you get to know yourself..

  • the more you will know the kind of relationship that you want to be in

  • and the kind of person you will want to be in a relationship with

  • and I think that comes with being realistic that..

  • ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  • it might not..

  • like your pool maybe has dwindled to like a very small pool

  • and that that's completely okay

  • and I think that's where trust and faith comes in..

  • because I don't feel like I'm 100% in control of my life

  • because there's someone greater up there watching out for me and looking out for me

  • and that everything is beautifully arranged and beautifully planned out

  • so that I don't need to freak out day-to-day about like..

  • why am I single? why am I still single??

  • time is ticking... I don't have time..

  • follow the course of nature, trust yourself..

  • do the things you want to do because you want to do it

  • not because you feel like you have to

  • or not because you feel like there's some sort of a pressure to do certain things

  • or to have any sort of timeline

  • because you don't really want to force anything and you don't really want to settle

  • I mean we're really lucky that we have a choice to choose..

  • because a lot of our parents didn't and a lot of people might not be able to

  • I think that's just one thing that I just realized as I was saying this..

  • ya I think maybe like #7.2 is gratitude

  • just being grateful that we get to stress about significant others

  • because in other countries or even in parts of the U.S.

  • if your day-to-day is struggling with..

  • like roof over your head and food in your stomach..

  • you won't be able to think about these things

  • so yeah.. I think gratitude at the end of the day is such a powerful thing

  • life and existence and being alive and the opportunities that we're given

  • and the chances..

  • the life that we live..

  • the fact that you can watch me through your phone..

  • or through a computer screen.. or through your tablet..

  • means that we're all very lucky and that we're all very blessed

  • and this ending just went like a whoooop ~

  • buttuh yes.. I hope you guys enjoyed this video

  • let me know in the comments below if you guys have any follow-up questions

  • or if there's specific things you want me to talk about because

  • this is probably part one of the art of being alone but not lonely

  • so I didn't really talk about the alone part

  • but I think this is like the start of a series of like relationship type videos

  • okay

  • that was me doing a little dancing hug with you guys

  • maybe

  • alrightyy

  • ~ virtual hug ~

  • ~ voice hug ~

  • all the hugs okay

  • baiii ~

  • uhkay, baii ~

hey friends ~ welcome back

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