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  • (intense dramatic music)

  • Why, hey there!

  • Who's some news?

  • Is it you?

  • Are you the some news?

  • You're a very some news, yes you are.

  • I hope you're as excited as I am right now because today,

  • we're going to catch up on the month of July

  • in a segment I'm calling

  • "All Of The Things That Happened: July 2019 Edition".

  • It's objectively true that things happened in July,

  • a month that we at Cody's Shody were on vacation during.

  • While I recharged and explored the world

  • and gained a happier outlook on life,

  • perhaps in some easy-to-digest

  • but emotionally complex coming of age-style adventure,

  • I also had someone write down all the things that happened

  • on these papers I'm currently holding

  • that definitely have things written on them.

  • So let us watch as I read those things aloud

  • and react to them for the first time,

  • having not rehearsed this previously.

  • It's a segment within this segment

  • that I call You Watch Me Read News.

  • (intense music)

  • Let's start light,

  • like how the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado

  • welcomed a baby giraffe into the world.

  • And in related news, police in Clay County, Missouri

  • apprehended a suspect after he gave away his hiding spot

  • with a loud fart.

  • Not sure how these things are related,

  • but we're gonna push past it..

  • Okay, okay.

  • Looks like they found a new bird-like dinosaur,

  • but I'm sorry, who really gives a (bleeps)

  • about some angry chicken bones?

  • Do we have any news about awesome birds who are alive

  • and not dead loser birds?

  • Okay, this vacation did not help with my anger.

  • All right, okay.

  • In Buckinghamshire upon England,

  • a wildlife hospital received a bright orange bird

  • believed at first to be exotic but after closer inspection

  • turned out to be a seagull covered in curry.

  • And while that seagull

  • is definitely awesome by human standards,

  • in the bird world, it's just another day in the life

  • as evidenced by this 2016 article

  • about a completely different seagull

  • also found covered in curry.

  • (sighs) All right.

  • In other sex-related news,

  • boy, these transitions are jarring!

  • A famous gamer Instagram model briefly became viral

  • after selling her own bathwater for $30 a jar

  • only to spawn a whole micro-industry

  • of other YouTube weirdos

  • doing weirdo things to that bathwater,

  • as well as a controversy about whether or not

  • it was really her bathwater

  • and then a bunch of rumors,

  • and the general hate the internet hurls at women.

  • Very little of this news seems to involve

  • the much more interesting debate

  • about this young lady's relationship

  • to the sex worker community,

  • specifically how she's managed

  • to make what is normally seen as fetishistic

  • somehow a mainstream idea

  • while having little association with sex workers

  • and has even been accused

  • of stealing other model's nude photos to use as her own.

  • But whatever, we've already forgotten about this story

  • so let's keep going.

  • Big developments in the war of cats, of cats, not on cats,

  • as researcher Laura Knoll of the University of Wisconsin

  • has discovered a way to study the cat-(bleeps)

  • toxoplasma gondii parasite in lab rats.

  • All previous methods solely involved

  • the inhumane experimenting on cats.

  • This means we can perhaps find a cure to the parasite

  • that you yourself right now probably have,

  • but by murdering rats instead of cats.

  • Meanwhile, New York State

  • has just banned the declawing of cats

  • so overall, just a real bad month for news-savvy rodents.

  • And so naturally,

  • that brings us to the subject of Nazis for some reason,

  • specifically, these very stupid and young Nazis

  • who spray-painted a bunch of Nazi pictures on their school.

  • According to the young Nazis,

  • a problem America just has now,

  • the act of vandalism started as a harmless school prank

  • before evolving into one of those Nazi hate crimes

  • that just sort of happen sometimes.

  • Anyway, they were caught when the school WiFi

  • connected to their phones via their student IDs,

  • which not feeling great on the privacy implications of that

  • but they've since been sentenced to weekends in jail

  • which is a form of intermittent sentencing

  • and not the logical sequel to Weekend At Bernies.

  • Ha!

  • Nazis sure are a problem and it's fun!

  • All right, we're really warmed up now

  • that we've got some Nazi talk going.

  • We should probably check on a few updates

  • to previous Some More News news.

  • Here's some updating of previous news.

  • Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Endgame

  • is now the number one highest grossing movie in the world,

  • having surpassed Disney's Avatar this month.

  • That makes Avatar, by Disney, number two bestest movie,

  • while number three goes to Titanic,

  • a movie released overseas by Disney,

  • followed by Disney's Lucasfilm's

  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Disney,

  • and then Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Infinity War

  • which is a film by Disney.

  • Congratulations to all the many people

  • who made Disney's dream possible.

  • Good job!

  • And hey, after unfathomable billions

  • made from 23 films over the last decade,

  • they're finally going to allow LGBTQ characters to exist.

  • Don't get me wrong,

  • it's fantastic that the biggest film franchise in the world

  • is actually going to have some diversity in it

  • but if a car company went a decade

  • before adding seat belts to their product,

  • we wouldn't praise them, would we?

  • But rather, we would demand to know

  • why it took so long for them to do it

  • considering how much responsibility they have,

  • and also money.

  • Also, curious what it says about us

  • that the most popular thing in America

  • has been mostly-homogeneous tales

  • of unbeatable costumes having violent

  • and often-personal squabbles over the huddled masses

  • while generally causing more problems for the world

  • than they solve, but whatever!

  • Congratulations to our media emperor.

  • Way to make photorealistic lions sing

  • so we can guess their emotions,

  • you overbearing corporate monsters.

  • More updates!

  • Remember when we did a video about robocalls?

  • Well, it looks like AT&T,

  • clearly having seen our video specifically

  • and only ours and not anyone else's,

  • is becoming the first major wireless company

  • to automatically block spam calls.

  • Good job, us.

  • (audience cheers and claps)

  • (clears throat) Also, remember when we pointed out

  • that Tucker Carlson is a racist?

  • Well, that's still true.

  • - Ilhan Omar is living proof

  • that the way we practice immigration

  • has become dangerous to this country.

  • A system designed to strengthen America

  • is instead undermining it.

  • - Cool!

  • Also, real recently after spending years

  • fear-mongering about invasions of immigrants

  • invading the country and changing our demographics

  • and spouting white nationalist talking points

  • and being regularly praised by neo-Nazis for it,

  • well, a guy did a terrorism about an invasion of immigrants

  • and the next day, Tucker was like,

  • White Supremacy is a hoax, and now he's on vacation.

  • So maybe he should stay there!

  • Anyway, other things I was right about,

  • Ben Shapiro super sucks and is still stupid and a liar

  • and continues to be hilarious.

  • - When it comes to the seduction of women.

  • - (snaps fingers) One more time.

  • - When it comes to the seduction of women.

  • - Anyway, then there was that Mueller thing.

  • Remember how that was a thing?

  • - Well, the finding indicates

  • that the President not exculpated

  • for the acts that he allegedly committed.

  • - Could you charge the president with a crime

  • after he left office?

  • - Yes.

  • - You could charge the President of The United States

  • with obstruction of justice after he left office?

  • - Yes.

  • - Mm, sounds like the President is not not guilty,

  • and perhaps guilty.

  • You know how the report already said that months ago?

  • As an aside, it's always important to exculpate your skin

  • every morning to give yourself that fresh, no guilt look.

  • Ha!

  • The president did crimes and it's fun!

  • We're having a great time.

  • Of course, that's just the take of me,

  • a Libby social Marxist who hates all of America.

  • According to Republicans at the hearing, the true story

  • was how hard they (bleeps) Mueller in the ear

  • by exposing the FBI's clear bias toward Trump

  • and unwillingness to point fingers at Christopher Steele

  • and his totally bogus dossier

  • that has been proven completely bogus.

  • - When people associated with Trump lied,

  • you threw the book at him.

  • When Christopher Steele lied, nothing.

  • And so it seems to be that

  • when Simpson met with Russians, nothing,

  • when the Trump campaign met with Russians, 3,500 words,

  • and maybe the reason why there are these discrepancies

  • in which you focused on because the team is so biased--

  • - [Man] Only the gentleman is expired.

  • - Pledged the logistics, pledged to stop Trump.

  • - Of course, this is all the subject of the Horowitz probe

  • into the bias of the FBI, which was recently extended

  • because the investigators found

  • the bogus dossier to be, quote, sufficiently credible.

  • So just to recap, at a hearing about the president

  • potentially committing up to 10 acts

  • of obstruction of justice,

  • a thing presidents can be impeached for

  • unless they resign first, well, at that hearing,

  • GOP Congressfellow Matt Gaetz

  • decided to wonder why they're there,

  • and labeled the Steele dossier an uncorroborated document

  • that does have a few proven allegations

  • but also didn't start the Mueller investigation as bogus

  • without that actually being true,

  • and they're now grilling Mueller

  • as to why he didn't also pretend

  • this thing they are pretending.

  • And then Congressman Matt Gaetz was like,

  • I did it, I did the right thing.

  • Okay, so we're warmed up.

  • We're a little angry now.

  • We're ready to plunge head-first into hell

  • and move to a sub-segment within the segment

  • that's within this segment called

  • You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read.

  • Oh, hey, look.

  • For the first time in two decades,

  • after growing unpopularity due to racial disparities,

  • a global decrease

  • and just overall higher moral standards being against it,

  • the Justice Department has decided

  • to resume federal executions under a president who,

  • aside from all the other stuff I could mention

  • about his casual relationship with violence and cruelty,

  • and the time he spent money

  • to call for the execution of five young black men

  • for a crime they did not commit,

  • well, he's also called for public executions in the past,

  • for all of us to see.

  • Cool thing we should all see, man.

  • Anyway, the people the president wanted

  • to show everybody being killed was the Boston Bombers.

  • He has not mentioned public executions since,

  • and I don't wonder what has changed.

  • Oh, and this just in: ICE sucks!

  • After our Crime President Trump

  • announced a large-scale operation

  • to detain thousands of migrants in July,

  • the final tally came to just 35,

  • in part because many advocacy groups

  • and undocumented immigrants

  • were warned of the specific time of the raid

  • ahead of time by our president.

  • And I guess good that the president is dumb,

  • in this specific case?

  • While not everyone was lucky to avoid being hauled off,

  • in front of their own children, by America,

  • there were at least some stories

  • about neighborhoods banding together

  • to tell ICE to suck a big wad of it.

  • Lucky our president, and ICE, is mostly bad at their job.

  • Lucky, unless we're this guy, a Dallas-born citizen

  • who has been detained by Border Patrol for over three weeks

  • despite him being a Dallas-born citizen,

  • and despite his mother providing a birth certificate

  • for the Dallas-born citizen

  • who was detained for some reason.

  • When finally released, the 18-year-old

  • had lost a total of 26 pounds

  • and said conditions were so bad

  • that he considered self-deportation to avoid it.

  • But hey, I'm sure it's just one glaring mistake

  • by an otherwise spotless agency

  • except for the sexual assaults

  • and a secret Facebook group of Border Patrol agents

  • that shared rape memes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

  • and joked about migrant deaths.

  • That latter thing being something that happens

  • to children on a toilet of the flu

  • while detained by border patrol,

  • and other children for other reasons,

  • so, just perfectly normal behavior

  • from a federal law enforcement agency

  • specifically tasked with handling immigrants at the border.

  • And then, just extremely recently,

  • there was another raid on more than 600 immigrants,

  • separating many from their children in realtime,

  • giving us videos like this

  • shared by many appalled, surprised people

  • who also helps to normalize

  • the act of traumatizing children

  • for the purposes of deterring immigration.

  • Speaking of horrible things ICE is doing,

  • the world is slowly dying because of climate change.

  • And I'm sure you're just delighted to hear about that.

  • Along with this July being the hottest month ever recorded,

  • Alaska hit a record-breaking 90 degrees in Anchorage,

  • oh, and also, the Arctic Circle caught fire

  • and scientists are (grunts) concerned,

  • on account of all the metaphors

  • and omens popping up in reality.

  • Because while that is apparently

  • a thing that sometimes happens,

  • it's the biggest and most northern

  • these fires has ever been.

  • If the world was slowly dying,

  • it would probably look like this.

  • But at least everyone in Congress will get to ignore it

  • from their cool new boat city in a few years' time.

  • Also, and I know this is somewhat unrelated,

  • but the ground tried to kill everyone in California.

  • And I didn't like it.

  • (dramatic music)

  • Speaking of things I don't like, things I do like!

  • Several officials in Puerto Rico were arrested

  • for funneling $15.5 million in federal contracts

  • to politically connected consultants.

  • And speaking of things I do like, things I really like,

  • hundreds of thousands of Puerto Rican citizens

  • responded to the corruption as well as the recession

  • and the mismanagement of the recent hurricane

  • and specifically leaked disgusting text messages

  • between the Governor, top officials, and lobbyists,

  • by taking to the streets.

  • The protests, featuring Ricky Martin

  • and other Puerto Rican celebrities,

  • and again, hundreds of thousands of other human beings,

  • even led the governor Ricardo Rossello to resign.

  • If enough people take to the streets,

  • a government will take massive corruption seriously,

  • but only in this one situation.

  • (dramatic music)

  • Who else sucks?

  • Oh, right!

  • There's Robert Foster,

  • the Mississippi gubernatorial candidate

  • who is refusing to do interviews with female reporters

  • without other men in the room, citing the Billy Graham rule,

  • named after an American evangelist

  • who refused to be alone with women in the 1950s.

  • You might also recognize this as the Mike Pence Rule.

  • Also, you might recognize this as a civil rights violation.

  • Also, also, you might recognize this

  • as something we really shouldn't have to deal with

  • in this century.

  • And perhaps, I don't know,

  • we shouldn't elect people this ideologically behind

  • the same way we wouldn't elect someone

  • who only traveled via stagecoach or a really racist person.

  • Who would want to elect a really racist person?

  • On the subject of obvious sex criminals, Jeffery Epstein,

  • a guy who partied with presidents Trump and Clinton,

  • was arrested for sex trafficking

  • before attempting suicide via Killary's death squads.

  • And then put on suicide watch,

  • and then taken off suicide watch,

  • and the morning we're filming this, this morning,

  • he was found dead by suicide,

  • which is odd that the billionaire pedophile

  • and child sex trafficker

  • who has implicated many other powerful wealthy figures

  • in his child sex trafficking is now unable

  • to both give some semblance of justice to his many victims,

  • and unable for the many wealthy elite child-(bleeps)

  • that were involved with Epstein, to face justice.

  • And while we're certainly going

  • to talk about this in future videos

  • because it just happened a few hours ago,

  • let's get to what we were already going to say.

  • One of the more shocking aspects of this

  • before he died from suicide is how many people,

  • up until this moment,

  • attempted to protect Epstein from these charges.

  • This includes Trump's Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta,

  • who once cut a plea deal with Epstein

  • to get him only 13 months in county jail

  • for (bleeps) sex crimes involving children.

  • According to Bill Clinton,

  • a man who praised and traveled with Epstein,

  • he knows nothing about the sex crimes.

  • Also, a person who knows nothing is Donald Trump,

  • our president now, who's currently the president now,

  • seen here grabbing at women

  • during a party with Jeffery Epstein,

  • a sex criminal that he has partied with multiple times

  • and made note out loud about how aware he was

  • that Jeff Epstein liked 'em real young,

  • the president who knows nothing

  • despite some of Epstein's underage girls

  • being recruited at his favorite place,

  • that he owns, Mar-A-Lago.

  • Is there someone who can properly

  • and succinctly explain the gravity of this scandal?

  • - It's obviously gonna implicate a lot of people.

  • I can't tell you who but it's not gonna end up,

  • which is Jeffrey Epstein-- - What do we know?

  • - Yes, thank you, Mr. Giuliani, lawyer for the president,

  • that guy who spent a lot of time

  • hanging out with Jeffery Epstein, who is a sex trafficker,

  • at parties with a lot of young women.

  • Mr. Giuliani, seen here sitting in front of the president

  • while the president asks where he is.

  • So I guess we're going

  • to keep talking about a president now

  • and we might as well make a new segment

  • within the sub-segment within the segment

  • that's within this segment, and call it,

  • You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read

  • Because It Is About Donald Trump.

  • Hey, everyone, the president is bad.

  • It's a bad president.

  • And before some of the darker stuff,

  • remember when he said he definitely will

  • share his tax returns if he ever ran for president?

  • - If I decide to run for office,

  • I'll produce my tax returns, absolutely.

  • - Then when he ran for president

  • he said he maybe would share his tax returns?

  • - Getting any closer to releasing your tax returns?

  • - Well, I'm thinking about it.

  • I'm thinking about maybe.

  • - Then he became president and was like,

  • well, no one cares about my tax returns, so why share them?

  • - Well, I'm not releasing the tax returns

  • 'cause as you know, they're under order.

  • - [Woman] But every president does.

  • Since the '70s, has had to require an audit from the IRS.

  • - Oh gee, I've never heard of that.

  • - [Woman] The last six have released them,

  • but as president, sir--

  • - Oh, gee, I've never heard of that.

  • The only one that cares

  • about my tax returns are the reporters.

  • - And now, still as president, he's like,

  • if you look at my tax returns, I will (bleeps) sue you.

  • Because he's exactly the kind of liar

  • most of us already knew he was and some of us seem

  • to pretend he's not, for, I don't know, reasons.

  • Anyway, that sure seems like a person

  • whose tax returns we should definitely look at.

  • But anyway, some more law stuff news-wise

  • includes that recent time the U.S Appeals Court

  • ruled that Trump violated the First Amendment

  • by blocking followers on Twitter

  • but also ordered the dismissal of a lawsuit

  • that claimed he violated the Constitution

  • by gaining profits through his hotels.

  • So it's sort of a wash in terms of justice this last month.

  • But speaking of a wash,

  • the president's extremely expensive 4th of July event

  • was rained out as in a literal rain on his parade.

  • Boom, roasted, Mr. President.

  • Man, getting away with crimes is you.

  • I got you good,

  • you person who somehow getting away with open racism

  • at your shockingly fascist campaign rallies.

  • I got you good.

  • - Omar has a history

  • of launching vicious, anti-Semitic screens.

  • - [Crowd] Send her back!

  • Send her back! Send her back!

  • Send her back! Send her back!

  • Send her back! Send her back!

  • - Now, look, we can go over Trump's response

  • or fact-check his obvious lie

  • about how he told the crowd to stop,

  • or compare this clip

  • with the one from John McCain's campaign.

  • We can do all of that.

  • But in the end, this is just open and blatant racism

  • that would have never been tolerated years ago

  • and is now going to embolden a bunch of horrible people

  • with blind jingoism.

  • And what's so frustrating about it

  • is that Trump is and always has been

  • so obviously racist and dumb

  • that we shouldn't even have to discuss it.

  • We shouldn't have to see clips like this.

  • - All this happened to me.

  • They killed my mom, my six brothers,

  • they left behind them, then--

  • - Where are they now?

  • - They killed them.

  • They are in the mass graves in Sinjar.

  • - And have to explain to a chunk of the country

  • why that's clearly a video of a Klan-adjacent salad-brain

  • who should never be in charge of anything.

  • Like a real dumb guy who just did an entire speech

  • in front of a parody presidential seal

  • that read 45 Is A Puppet on it

  • and included a two-headed eagle holding golf clubs.

  • He is a joke, a real baloney sandwich.

  • We shouldn't have to debate

  • why telling a group of dark-skinned Americans

  • to go back from which they came,

  • a thing that has always been racist, is racist.

  • But then you have the real special thinkers

  • like Deputy Director of Communications

  • Matt Wolking tweeting,

  • technically, he told them to come back so it's not racist.

  • To which we, the regular people who understand words,

  • have to explain that he completely missed the vital part

  • where the president told American-born citizens

  • to go back to their country

  • as if America wasn't their country,

  • and then ol' Wolkers would probably just respond

  • with something super dumb and before you know it,

  • you're arguing about the semantics

  • of an obviously racist statement

  • when the real conversation should be what to do

  • about our very racist and dangerous president.

  • It used to be that Nazis and dumb racists

  • were reserved for trashy daytime talk shows.

  • Now we have to explain why someone like Richard Spencer

  • shouldn't be on the (bleeps) evening news, Jake Tapper!

  • Which brings us to a quick segment,

  • What The (bleeps) Are You Doing, Jake Tapper?

  • Hey, Jake Tapper, what the (bleeps) are you doing?

  • You have on the, what?

  • The palatable white nationalist, and he tells your audience

  • that what Trump said wasn't racist,

  • normalizing further what's racist.

  • The white nationalist doesn't think it is,

  • and he would know, he's racist,

  • so why would he want people watching

  • to think the racist president wasn't racist?

  • And normalize more racism?

  • You get the races to say that...

  • This concludes

  • What The (bleeps) Are You Doing, Jake Tapper?

  • But anyway, now we have to explain why Ben Garrison,

  • a racist propagandist

  • who very badly wants to (bleeps) our president,

  • shouldn't ever have been invited to the White House.

  • The discourse about racism in this country

  • has tragically devolved.

  • It's like we've gone from grad school

  • all the way back to explaining

  • why square pegs don't fit in round holes.

  • So just a real bummer, July, it was.

  • But that was probably the final piece of trash news

  • coming out of that month, right?

  • Am I right?

  • Can I be right about this?

  • - And therefore, I give notice that Boris Johnson is elected

  • as the leader of the Conservative and Humanist party.

  • - Ah!

  • You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read

  • Because It Is About Donald Trump

  • And That Other Guy, Boris Johnson.

  • Okay, so I think we're now in a segment

  • that is inside of another segment within the sub-segment

  • within the second to primary segment

  • of the primary segment we began with.

  • Let's make this one quick because it seems like

  • it should be a whole other video.

  • So from what I can gather,

  • there's another country that isn't America

  • and in that other country,

  • there's this real goofy walnut with dumb hair

  • who once got caught on a zip line and lied a lot

  • to get people to support a really stupid idea

  • that's going to damage the country

  • and who has spent a lot of money on wasteful projects

  • and probably hit his girlfriend

  • and has said some racist stuff

  • and also some bizarrely sexist stuff

  • such as comparing a women's volleyball team

  • to glistening wet otters

  • and isn't too great about LGBTQ issues

  • and once conspired to physically attack a reporter

  • and has general concentration problems

  • and can't keep important secrets

  • and has been widely seen as another,

  • ah, who am I thinking of?

  • And now, he's the Prime Minister

  • of this whole other country.

  • I dunno, man.

  • There has to be a British version of me

  • that can handle this, right?

  • Can we Photoshop a British version of me

  • doing Some More British News?

  • Call it Takin' A Piss On The Ol' News.

  • Okay, great.

  • I'm glad that's settled.

  • Let's just move on because come on.

  • I feel like I just had my entire vacation

  • retroactively pulled from my soul by some kind of fun-cubus.

  • Is there an end to any of this?

  • I will accept a swift million naps if that's on the table.

  • You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read

  • Because It Is About Donald Trump

  • And That Other Guy Boris Johnson

  • But Hey, Look, It's Not All Bad.

  • Cody, Please Don't Cry.

  • Look, you might've seen my previous video

  • highlighting all the good news in the world

  • so if you need a real heavy dose,

  • you might wanna go back and watch that.

  • But good things did happen in July.

  • In fact, there was even something good

  • that Trump technically did.

  • As of July 19th, over 3,000 federal inmates

  • were granted an early release thanks to the First Step Act,

  • a non-partisan law that was signed

  • by our still-racist President

  • despite the protests from foghorn ghouls like Jeff Sessions.

  • It basically allows non-violent offenders

  • to leave prison in exchange for drug treatment

  • and job training courses

  • and it's a pretty great thing for human beings to do

  • to help human beings.

  • Sure it doesn't address sentencing reform,

  • but it's a good first step.

  • So naturally, Tucker Carlson hates it

  • and Mitch McConnell tried to block it.

  • And that Mitch guy is who I really want to talk about,

  • because sure, I can use this final segment

  • as part of the segment inside another segment

  • within the sub-segment of a sub-segment

  • to the entire segment

  • to just list happy news to cheer you up.

  • For example, we could talk about the fact

  • that the Senate just passed a bill voting

  • to fund victims of 9/11 for the next 100 years or so,

  • and that's great!

  • But I'd rather just show you this picture of Mitch McConnell

  • walking past a beaming Jon Stewart

  • on his way to make that vote.

  • Jon, being a comedian,

  • who fought tirelessly to push the Senate to pass the bill,

  • and Mitch being the old dinosaur, post-asteroid,

  • who dragged his ass at every step of that process.

  • Because of course, he did.

  • Because he's terrible and greedy,

  • and has no interest in helping Americans.

  • And it takes someone like Jon Stewart

  • to relentlessly pull him through the threshold

  • of basic progress and decency

  • like a farmer tugging a (bleeps), greedy old donkey

  • with no interest in helping Americans.

  • And if we wanna help other people in similar situations

  • such as these coal miners currently fighting

  • to have their black lung benefits restored,

  • we'll have to continue slogging through the mud

  • that is people like Mitch, people who are very unpopular

  • and yet continue to have power.

  • But here's the good news.

  • Not only is this muddy jackass Mitch McConnell

  • finally going to be up for reelection next year,

  • but he actually has an opponent

  • who is becoming increasingly popular.

  • She's a (bleeps) retired marine fighter pilot

  • and came very (bleeps) close

  • to winning the 2018 House District Election.

  • And while she's probably not as left-leaning

  • as everyone would like, the military thing,

  • fiscally conservative, she's cool with gay (bleeps)

  • and abortion and climate change being a thing that is real

  • and she'd be the first Democrat

  • to represent Kentucky in the Senate since 1999.

  • She would be not Mitch McConnell.

  • Wouldn't that be just swell?

  • Swap one of the worst Republicans

  • with what you kinda wish Republicans were.

  • And hey, two years after, we could get rid of Mitch,

  • we'll see Rand Paul be up for reelection too.

  • Rand Paul being one of the only two people

  • to vote against the 9/11 Victims Bill.

  • So yeah, maybe he and Mitch

  • should go back to where they came from,

  • meaning whatever giant houses they own in Kentucky.

  • Just a thought, a really, at least, kinda nice thought.

  • After doing that Good News episode,

  • we wanna be a little positive, end on a nice note.

  • So, just imagine.

  • Imagine not Mitch McConnell.

  • Anyway, that was totally verbatim,

  • what was written on these papers I'm holding

  • and reading for the first time.

  • Just wanted to illustrate

  • how frustrating and overwhelming the news is every day

  • and how things happen and you just kinda move on

  • and it feels like nothing changes or gets done.

  • Just today, a satirical movie

  • was made about rich elites hunting down red-state folks

  • who are clearly the heroes,

  • and the president complained about it

  • because his brain fell out

  • and now they're pulling the movie.

  • That seems like a bad precedent.

  • Anyway, positivity.

  • It's time to catch up on the news.

  • Here's some news.

  • After announcing his candidacy for president

  • by singling out Mexicans as rapists and murderers,

  • the man who became the president after doing that

  • spent much of his time spouting

  • and encouraging racist demagoguery

  • and ginning up fear of a coming migrant invasion.

  • And then after years of people saying don't do that,

  • it's dangerous, and him continuing to talk like that

  • and continually bringing up the effectiveness

  • of shooting migrants at the border,

  • a frightened young man drove to the border

  • and shot a bunch of people, as he said, targeting Mexicans.

  • Some, we hope he assumed, were good people.

  • But anyway, you get the point.

  • We'll talk about that next time.

  • (dramatic music)

  • Hi!

  • Like and subscribe

  • and check out our Patreon.com/SomeMoreNews,

  • and our podcast, Even More News.

  • And now we got merch and stuff so go to the link below.

  • It's TeePublic, user Some More News something.

  • Go to the link!

  • Ah!

(intense dramatic music)

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