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  • I wonder who it could be?

  • Ancient China.

  • The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the children are playing in the village square.

  • "What a wonderful time to be alive!

  • Hey, the Yellow River flooded again and destroyed all your crops.

  • aaand also we're being raided by nomadic tribesmen,

  • aaaand also this period of Chinese history may be entirely mythical, meaning you may not even exist.

  • 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,160 Well, that would certainly explain the laser eyes.

  • Chinese civilization began around the year 2000 BC, when the (possibly mythical) Xia dynasty was formed.

  • Throughout China's history,

  • dynasties would usually rise up with a powerful leader who worked for the good of the people.

  • But over time, the leaders would become more corrupt and self-serving.

  • Someone would inevitably build a lake of alcohol and the angry populace would overthrow them, giving way for a new dynasty to rise.

  • Following this pattern, the Xia dynasty was replaced by the Shang, who liked bronze and writing.

  • But then the leaders got corrupt and were replaced by the Zhou, who liked the iron and philosophy.

  • But that one sort of just fell apart and was replaced by the Qin, who liked building walls and people made out of rock.

  • But they were pretty tyrannical from the start, and were quickly replaced by the Han,

  • who liked creating new trade routes and getting in touch with their emotions.

  • In line with this pattern, the Han dynasty came about under the strong and popular leadership of Emperor Gaozu.

  • The dynasty remained firmly in place for over four centuries, and was considered a golden age in Chinese history,

  • developing new forms of art, political thinking, technology...

  • Oh, looks like all the leaders got corrupt.

  • See, probably the biggest problem in ancient China's political system that allowed so much corruption to come about all the time

  • was a little something called Court Culture.

  • Let me explain.

  • Imagine for me, if you will, that you are the son of the Chinese emperor.

  • Hooray!

  • Now apart from how weird it is that you have a ton of stepmoms and many of them would like to kill you, and also

  • all of your friends are middle-aged dudes with no dongs, life's pretty alright.

  • One day your father says,

  • "Son, I know our relationship hasn't been the best, and I've never said this before

  • but I just want to let you know that I love y-

  • Oh no! I'm having a heart attack!"

  • (oof)

  • Look at you. Now YOU're the Emperor.

  • I'm so proud of you.

  • But wait!

  • You are but a child and have no idea how to rule over a massive empire?

  • Fret not! Because just about everyone in your court wants to help you out with that.

  • "Hey, man, remember me? I'm your mom's bro.

  • Anyway, I heard you needed someone to rule over China for you. I mean to help you rule China.

  • So hey, here's a popsicle. I hope we can get along."

  • "No way m an. We've been your friends and your personal caretakers your whole life,

  • and even though we may have no dongs, I think you should give US all the power to rule China.

  • I mean, help you rule China."

  • So who will you be influenced by? Your scheming uncle, or your loyal eunuchs?

  • And towards the end of the Han dynasty, a string of child emperors allowed more and more power to fall into the hands of the eunuchs.

  • Oh no! Now they're scheming too!

  • They began handing out government jobs for bribes, heavily taxing the poor for their own wealth,

  • and while you're sitting there eating your popsicle, everyone in your court is

  • literally murdering each other to try and consolidate more power and riches for themselves,

  • while all the peasants are outside like:

  • "Hey, did you guys know there's been a drought out here for two years?"

  • "Guys?"

  • Obviously, the people weren't too happy that while they were struggling to survive, they're also been heavily taxed,

  • so that the eunuch faction could all have rocking mansions, complete with swimming pools and Alexas.

  • So finally, when a self-proclaimed Taoist wizard came along and was like,

  • "You know whose fault it is that we're all out here starving?

  • It's the Emperor and his posse!

  • They've lost their mandate from heaven and the imperial family must be DESTROYED

  • with an UNRELENTING, FURIOUS WRATH!!!

  • Also check this out. Eh? Can you tell what it is yet?

  • Tada! It's a little kitty-cat!"

  • "Look at her little ears!"

  • The people loved his political philosophy. He promised them land reforms and his followers grew in number.

  • They began arming themselves and wearing yellow turbans,

  • and they also developed a really catchy slogan.

  • In the year 184, the Yellow Turban rebellion broke out across China,

  • with millions rising up against the Han dynasty and the imperial government in the capital city freaked out.

  • With all their internal bickering,

  • they were completely unprepared and unable to deal with such a huge rebellion.

  • So they were forced to call in independent warlords from across the Empire to help them deal with this situation.

  • Some big names took part in the fighting,

  • I'm talking the likes of the great Cao Cao, the tyrannical Dong Zhuo, Liu Bei, Sun Jian,

  • and many many other Chinese names I'm definitely not pronouncing correctly.

  • These warlords crushed the rebellion in their own respective regions,

  • and with casualties in the millions, the Han dynasty breathed a huge sigh of relief.

  • But what they didn't realize, is that by relying on all the warlords and their armies, they had essentially diminished their own central control over the empire

  • and many of the warlords now held the power to act almost completely independently and rule over their own local regions themselves.

  • Back in the capital, the Emperor and his son were having a little chat.

  • "Listen, I know we've had our ups and downs,

  • and I spent all of my time with your many, MANY smokin' hot stepmoms instead of you.

  • But what say you and I finally go on a little fishing trip together this weeke-

  • Oh NO, I'm having a stroke-"

  • (oof)

  • and yet another child emperor was on the throne.

  • This time, however, instead of the eunuch faction gaining even more power,

  • this Child Emperor's uncle became his regent, who also just so happened to be the head of the Imperial Army, He Jin.

  • "Man,

  • "Man, I hate those sneaky lying cheating eunuchs.

  • Hey warlord, Yuan Shao. What should we do?"

  • "Kill them all."

  • [Silence]

  • "Right on."

  • "You can't kill the eunuchs! They're a vital part of this Empire's governance!

  • And also they paid me a lot of money to say that about them."

  • "Aw, c'mooon!"

  • "No."

  • So He Jin and Yuan Shao decided the Empress may need more convincing,

  • and so they called in an infamous,

  • and so they called in an infamous, feared

  • and so they called in an infamous, feared, tyrannical,

  • overweight warlord from the Northwest to help convince her.

  • That man, was Dong Zhuo.

  • And he set out for the capital city with his army.

  • "Hey guys, I heard a rumor that He Jin was planning on killing us."

  • "Then why don't we kill him first!"

  • And so it was. They lured him to the palace with a forged letter from his sister and when he got there,

  • they lobbed off his head.

  • [Slice sounds]

  • [Silence]

  • "Kill them all."

  • Imperial Forces stormed the palace and the eunuchs were all massacred.

  • The peasants, who were still suffering from drought and starvation, saw what was going on and began to riot.

  • The Emperor and his brother were forced to flee the city, which was now in flames.

  • And the feared, nasty, tyrannical, bloated Dong Zhuo had just arrived.

  • He found the Emperor and his brother wandering the hills outside of the city and was understandably confused,

  • so he scooped up the Emperor, went to the capital and was like,

  • "Hey guys, what's up? I see the capital is on fire."

  • "Also, I'm here with my army and I have the Emperor with me."

  • "Waaaait a minute! The capital is on fire. I'm here with my army and I have the Emperor!

  • Screw you guys! I'M IN CHARGE!"

  • So now Dong Zhuo ruled over the Han dynasty as the Emperor's Regent.

  • His first act was to say to the Emperor,

  • "Hey man, no hard feelings, but I like your little brother better. So I'm actually making him Emperor instead of you."

  • "So you're free to go do whatever you want."

  • "Actually..."

  • "Yeah, that feels better."

  • Dong Zhuo ruled with an iron fist. And he did whatever the flip he wanted.

  • He made absolute decisions himself, showing no regard for the monarchy.

  • He had his opponents or those who disagreed with him killed.

  • He broke protocol, doing things like keeping his sword when approaching the Emperor,

  • [Gasp sounds]

  • wearing shoes in the court,

  • [More gasp sounds]

  • sleeping in the Emperor's bed.

  • And worst of all, he would walk in the presence of the Emperor.

  • You were meant to TROT.

  • The other warlords around the Empire hated him, and so they said,

  • "Something needs to be done about this guy.

  • What say we form a coalition and oust him?"

  • And it was agreed.

  • Warlords from across China, their armies amounting to a hundred thousand men, allied together against the tyranny of Dong Zhuo.

  • Yuan Shao's coalition consisted of some of the nation's most capable leaders,

  • including his half-brother Yuan Shu, the great Cao Cao and Sun Jian.

  • But Dong Zhuo had an ace up his sleeve.

  • His protégé, and adopted son, one of the most skilled and feared warriors in all of China.

  • It's Lu Bu!

  • This guy was a beast of a man. He never lost a duel and no other warlord dared challenge him to one.

  • He was also famous for betraying just about every warlord he ever fought for,

  • something that Dong Zhuo didn't seem too concerned about.

  • The coalition attacked Dong Zhuo in Luoyang,

  • and in particular, Sun Jian's forces inflicted a heavy defeat against him,

  • and he was forced to flee to the city of Chang'an.

  • After this initial success, however, the war entered into a stalemate.

  • The warlords in the coalition realized it was going nowhere, and also they all secretly hated each other,

  • so they all went home.

  • Dong Zhuo was safe.

  • Until...

  • Legend has it that a government official in Chang'an had a daughter who was hot.

  • SUPER hot.

  • He invited Lu Bu to his home and promised Lu Bu that someday he could marry his daughter.

  • Then he invited Dong Zhuo to his house and did the exact same thing.

  • Dong Zhuo was so smitten that he insisted on taking her as his concubine immediately,

  • and when Lu Bu heard the news, he was pretty unhappy.

  • "Hey man, aren't you worried that you stole Lu Bu's girl, and betrayal is like his personal hobby."

  • "Lu Bu? Betray me?

  • No way, man. Never gonna happen-"

  • Aw crap.

  • Lu Bu, along with other government officials,

  • assassinated the tyrannical Dong Zhuo. Then they left his body burning in the streets.

  • Some sources say he was so fat and oily he kept on burning for days. Nice.

  • So with Dong Zhuo dead, and the power of the Han government essentially decimated,

  • China was left with a huge power gap, and a ton of warlords who all slept soundly at night dreaming of being the one to fill it.

  • Here we enter into a crazy and chaotic period of civil war all across China, with so many people, so much betrayal,

  • so much intricacy, it makes Game of Thrones look like a Dr. Seuss publication.

  • But just to give you an idea of how crazy and chaotic it was, see if you're able to keep up with this.

  • Are you ready? Here we go.

  • Here's a rough map of the warlords throughout the Han dynasty at the time.

  • Half-brothers Yuan Shao and Yuan Shu were both in a power struggle for who had become the figurehead of their family.

  • Yuan Shu made alliances with warlords in the north, along with Sun Jian,

  • the guy who defeated Dong Zhuo. Yuan Shao also made alliances, with Liu Biao in the south, and Cao Cao, who was an amazing

  • strategist and general. All of these warlords began fighting each other, Cao Cao began building his own strength by subjugating

  • nearby remnants of the Yellow Turban rebellion into his own forces. Down south, things weren't going so well for Sin

  • Jian, as he was killed in an ambush. So Sun's son, Sun Ce, took over. Then, Yuan Shao got pushed back to the river Hwai.

  • So he ordered Sun Ce to take the territory of warlord Liu Kang. Then, Sin Ce went off to capture territories in the east for

  • himself. Cao Cao's family lived in this province over here. One day, they were murdered. Oh no, Cao Cao held the province's governor responsible,

  • and so he launched a cruel invasion, in which he pillaged cities and murdered over a hundred thousand civilians.

  • The governor sent out a call for help, and a very popular likeable warlord by the name of Liu Bei came to his aid.

  • However, while Cao Cao was away fighting, a rebellion was staged against him in his home province, by none other than, it's Lu Bu. Cao Cao

  • rushed home and defeated Lu Bu, who fled to the east, which by now had been inherited by Liu Bei. Then Lu Bu,

  • surprise surprise, launched a rebellion against Liu Bei, who fled to Cao Cao. Cao Cao and Liu Bei

  • would go on to invade and defeat Lu Bu.

  • Lu Bu offered to join Cao Cao and Cao Cao considered the offer, but his advisors were like, "No way, man

  • This guy's betrayed literally everyone he ever worked for." And so, boo hoo,

  • Lu Bu was executed. Next, Cao Cao convinced the Emperor to move in with him.

  • Now he's in control of the Han government, something that made his allies very jealous. Yuan Shu, out of nowhere,

  • decides to declare himself emperor of the new Zhong dynasty.

  • Nobody liked that. His allies cut ties with him, the Imperial Government ordered everyone to kill him,

  • he tried to flee to his brother Yuan Shou,

  • but died of illness on the way. Sun Ce took over his territory and then got assassinated,

  • so his brother Sun Quan took over. Liu Bei turned on Cao Cao, but got obliterated and was forced to flee south Yuan Shao

  • finally defeated the warlord to his north, and could now focus south.

  • He declared war on his ally Cao Cao, but was defeated at the Battle of Guandu. Cao Cao has now united the north

  • and he turned his attention to the south. In particular,

  • Liu Biao's province was becoming a powerful threat. So Cao Cao attacked him.

  • Liu Bei was now fighting for Liu Biao and he held Cao Cao off for a while,

  • but then Liu Biao died and his son took over and immediately surrendered to Cao Cao. Liu Bei was

  • horrified, and he fled southward to try and maintain control of the province.

  • Cao Cao was on an absolute roll, and it looked like he would be the one to take control of China.

  • He began making plans to attack both Liu Bei and Sun Quan, and the two of them

  • seeing where things were headed, met up and decided to form an alliance. Now

  • I know that was a lot to take in,

  • but all you really need to know at this point is that this guy is on his way to taking over everything, and he's about

  • to throw his full weight at the southern warlords. These two have one chance.

  • One battle to prevent him from invading the south, and that battle was the famous Battle of Red Cliffs. To take the south,

  • Cao Cao would need to control and cross the mighty Yangtze River.

  • He had over two hundred thousand men to face against Liu Bei and Sun Quan's combined force of 50,000.

  • How would they stand a chance when they were so outnumbered? Legend says most of Sun Quan's advisers pleaded with him to surrender,

  • but then he smashed up a table and they all backed down.

  • Luckily, Cao Cao's forces were ravaged by disease and exhaustion, and his northern soldiers weren't too comfortable on ships,

  • So when Cao Cao sailed down the river and the two sides met for an initial skirmish at Wulin, Cao Cao

  • was unable to inflict a defeat against the Allies. Then one of Sun Quan's men came up with a very sneaky plan.

  • He sent Cao Cao a letter, pretending that he and others wanted to defect to his side, and offered to bring him some of Lui Bei

  • and Sun Quan's finest ships.

  • Little did Cao Cao know however, that those ships were full of flammable reeds. As they approached his fleet,

  • they were set alight and destroyed his ships in camp. Seeing the situation as hopeless,

  • Cao Cao ordered a difficult retreat through the rain and marshlands, during which more of his men fell to illness and disease.

  • The underdogs had won, and Cao Cao would never again have another chance to take the south.

  • Following that, the three warlords took some time to finish off some smaller competitors in their own regions and by the year 214,

  • China looked a little bit like this. Cao Cao continued to try to penetrate the southern regions,

  • but had no success, and even lost the Yangzhou region to Liu Bei in 217.

  • The former allies eventually fell out over who should own this territory here, with Sun Quan coming out on top.

  • In 220, Cao Cao died of a head disease and was replaced by his son,

  • Cao Pi. Cao Pi convinced the Emperor of Han to abdicate and then proclaimed himself the Emperor of the new state of Wei. Liu Bei

  • followed suit, declaring himself the true Emperor of Shu (Han), and a few years later

  • Sun Quan joined in the fun and declared himself emperor of Wu, and so now you have a number of kingdoms in China.

  • How many? Count them. One, Two, Three. Three kingdoms, except actually, they weren't kingdoms.

  • They were dynasties,

  • and when the Three Kingdoms finally formed, not a whole lot happened. For the next three decades they continued to engage in combat,

  • but it almost always ended in stalemate, and nobody really got anywhere.

  • So how did it all end? Did Cao Cao's descendants eventually realize his dream of unifying China? Not quite.

  • Instead the Three Kingdoms became victims of the usual problems that plagued Chinese dynasties.

  • In Wu, Sun Quan's descendent became a tyrant, who is more interested in spending time with his concubines than governing. In Shu (Han),

  • a powerful, corrupt eunuch faction rose up, and by now we all know how that ends. And in Wei, a string of young emperors gave way

  • for a powerful family, the Sima clan to take control of the dynasty's government.

  • This Sima clan recognized the weak state Shu and Wu had been reduced to, and so they began making plans.

  • "I've just received this letter that says Wei is planning to attack us. Should we make preparations for war?" "Nah.

  • It's probably nothing to worry about. Let's do absolutely nothing."

  • "Sounds good to me."

  • Wei launched a full-scale invasion into Shu which fell within a year. Then Sima Yan forced the Wei Emperor to abdicate and proclaimed himself

  • Emperor of the new Jin dynasty. In the year

  • 279, Jin launched an invasion of Wu, and finally unified China in the year 280. The pattern of rising and falling dynasties,

  • division and reunification, would continue in China

  • for centuries to come.

  • Right now you may be asking yourself, but wait a minute,

  • What would have happened if Cao Cao had his way in unifying China or what if Lu Bu never assassinated Dong Zhuo

  • and he continued to rule over the Han dynasty?

  • What about if one of these smaller warlords had risen to the top? Think, what if I want to be a warlord during the

  • downfall of the Han dynasty!

  • Whoa, partner, calm down, because now you can.

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