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  • OzOz

  • (# Bagpuss theme)

  • - I'm sorry. - I'm hit !

  • - I'm blind. - Buffy !

  • - Amber. - Amber.

  • - Amber. - Amber.

  • Woof.

  • I knew this day would come.

  • Still. She had to go sometime.

  • I met this girl when I was travelling,

  • whose dad had to go to war, but he was crippled.

  • Because she wasn't what her parents wanted,

  • not that Amber wasn't what you wanted,

  • but you know she was different, like a tomboy...

  • So she stole her dad's armour

  • and went to war instead of him

  • and they won the war because of her.

  • - That's Mulan. - That's her name. Do you know her ?

  • - It's a film. - It's a Disney film. Yes.

  • And there's a song in it...

  • which is about how she wants to look in the mirror...

  • And see her real reflection

  • I think that's probably a bit how Amber's feeling.

  • Like Mulan ?

  • Yeah.

  • Eddie Murphy does the voice of the dragon.

  • To my mind, his third best film.

  • Does anyone want a drink ?

  • Phew. Bit early for that, innit ? Yeah, go on, then.

  • I'm thinking more like a tea.

  • Are you worried about Amber ?

  • Nah. She's got three languages and a Dutch cap. She'll be fine. Cheers.

  • You are so blind ! You so do not understand !

  • You weren't there at the beginning.

  • You don't know how good it was. How important.

  • This is it for you.

  • This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert.

  • People like you make me sick. What's wrong with you ?

  • Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50p's.

  • Take your pocket money and get out !

  • What a prick.

  • Have a seat, Tim.

  • - Twiglet ? - Better not.

  • I was like you once.

  • Blond hair. Scraggy little beard. Child-like ears.

  • Full of beans and spunk.

  • I let my principles get in the way sometimes.

  • I punched a bloke in the face once

  • for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish.

  • - Good for you. - Thanks.

  • But that's not the point.

  • The point is, I was defending the fantasy genre

  • with terminal intensity,

  • when what I should have said is, "Dad, you're right."

  • Let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later.

  • The Phantom Menace was 18 months ago, Tim.

  • I know, Bilbo. It just... It still hurts.

  • That kid brought in a Jaja doll.

  • - Kids like Jaja. - Why ?

  • What about the Ewoks ?

  • They were rubbish. You don't complain about them.

  • Jaja Binks makes the Ewoks look like fucking Shaft.

  • - I've had enough, Tim. - Bilbo.

  • I know how you feel, I do. But this can't go on.

  • What you trying to say ?

  • I'm gonna have to let you go.

  • Phew !

  • I thought you were gonna fire me then.

  • I was like ergh... Phew. Look at that.

  • Right, Daisy. 0ff to work.

  • Should be back in a couple of hours.

  • Mike. Mike, have you got any money ?

  • If you mean actual currency, no.

  • I was sure I had some, but it just seems to have gone.

  • Oh, I should, you know, get off.

  • You didn't sort of borrow it ?

  • You know, go through my pockets and...

  • - Steal it ? - I'm sorry. That sounded really bad.

  • - Did you steal it ? - No !

  • Sorry. No, you're right. Have a nice day.

  • Thanks.

  • Mike, what do you do ? I've never asked.

  • If I tell you that, I'll have to kill you.

  • What, is it like secret ?

  • No.

  • Hi, Bri.

  • - Gone. - What's gone ?

  • - Can't paint. - Yes, you can. You're very good.

  • Mind's just blank. Haven't painted anything in months.

  • I don't know what's wrong.

  • Maybe you should try approaching the canvas in different ways.

  • I have.

  • How do you tackle a creative block, Daisy ?

  • Well, I'm actually very, very fortunate.

  • I rarely suffer from writer's block.

  • - I'm extremely prolific. - Very lucky.

  • Yeah, I know.

  • Have you got any money, Brian ?

  • I've got to sign on today and I can't afford the bus fare.

  • Can't you go to the bank ?

  • Please, just a tenner ?

  • I haven't got a bank account.

  • They closed it. I'm really worried.

  • I haven't signed on for three months

  • and I didn't tell them I was going away.

  • I'm sure you'll be all right. They're reasonable people.

  • Please ! Just a tenner.

  • Tim ?

  • - Is everything all right ? - Yes ! Why ? !

  • No reason.

  • I've lost my job.

  • What ? Why ?

  • Not Phantom Menace.

  • - Better go. - All right, Bri.

  • Good luck with your blockage. Oh, a letter came for you.

  • Thanks. Sorry about your job, Tim.

  • Yeah. I'm sorry about your uncle, Brian.

  • Come on, mate. It's not as if he hasn't fired you before.

  • He's a reasonable bloke.

  • If you talked to him you could sort it out.

  • I don't think so. Someone's got an interview this afternoon.

  • Well, one thing's for sure, they'll be no Tim Bisley.

  • Well, it all seems to be in order. When can you start ?

  • Come on, Tim. There'll be other jobs.

  • Anyway, what about your comic ?

  • I'm sure the comic industry's

  • desperately in need of a giant, mutant bird

  • with special claws.

  • You've just got to get out there.

  • - Yeah, well, I'm scared. - 0f what ?

  • Nothing.

  • Come on. I was about to go and sign on.

  • Why don't you come with me ?

  • - OK. - Lend me the bus fare ?

  • - OK. - Yeah.

  • You've got a very special talent.

  • Sooner or later it's going to make you a lot of money.

  • Yeah, thanks, Daisy.

  • I wish I had another special talent to fall back on.

  • 'Dear Brian, I hope this letter finds you well

  • 'and that you're not finding being a lawyer too stressful.

  • 'Sadly, I'm writing with bad news.

  • 'Your Uncle Kevin died in his sleep last weekend

  • 'whilst driving to Staines on the M4.

  • 'We hope you can find time in your busy schedule

  • 'to come to the funeral, which is next Thursday.

  • 'Lots of love, Mum.'

  • I'm frightened. What are you gonna say ?

  • I'll tell 'em I was ill and start crying.

  • - That's you. New claims. - Where ? Oh, yeah. Ok.

  • - Good luck. - You, too.

  • Hello. I'm Daisy Steiner.

  • I had an appointment at 10:30. I'm late.

  • Daisy Steiner, you must take an AB form from the stand

  • and then join the queue.

  • How long will I have to wait ?

  • I'm sorry, I don't understand. Just fill out the form.

  • How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley ?

  • About an hour and a half.

  • Have you been looking for work ?

  • That's good. No.

  • Why did you leave your last job ?

  • - I got fired. - Why ?

  • Difference of opinion.

  • - The Phantom Menace. - Yeah.

  • - Didn't you like it ? - No.

  • Well, leave this with me.

  • I'll get you some money out in the next few days.

  • Hello.

  • - Brian, it's me. - Hello, me.

  • - How are you ? - Very well, thank you.

  • - I miss you. - Miss me, too.

  • Would you like to come out for drinks later ?

  • - Yes, please. - 'I could stay at yours.'

  • I'm not working tomorrow. We could stay in bed all day.

  • So don't forget to wash your sheets.

  • - Right. - <