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  • Morning, darling, I've made you breakfast. Did you sleep all right?

  • Erm... yeah. Yeah.

  • I had a really weird dream.

  • Did you, babe?

  • I dreamt you chucked me and I moved in with a girl I hardly knew.

  • - I chucked you? - Yeah.

  • - As if! - Yeah!

  • - Aarrghh! - Tim!

  • Shit!

  • Aarrghh!

  • Shit.

  • Son of a bitch!

  • Tim? I'm really trying to work.

  • - What you telling me for? - Well, I...

  • I can't concentrate with this mess, I think it's time we unpacked.

  • - I have unpacked. - Have you?

  • I'm not talking about your room, I'm talking about this room.

  • This is a shared area, you've got stuff in here too.

  • But it's under your stuff. Soon as you clear up, I can do the rest.

  • - I've got work to do. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

  • But I haven't seen you sit behind that typewriter for longer than two minutes.

  • - What do you mean? - I mean... I think you're trying to avoid doing any work..

  • Oh, really?

  • I just think we should draw up some kind of a rota. All right?

  • - All right. - We need to establish domestic equilibrium.

  • - OK. - We need to get used to each other.

  • We don't know each other that well, do we?

  • No.

  • In the interests of making this cohabitation charade work for us,

  • I think we should do everything we can to try and make day-to-day life as easy and enjoyable as possible.

  • All right! All right. Look, I'm agreeing with you.

  • Right. I'll get on with it, then.

  • - All righty. - OK.

  • Right.

  • I'm going to divide it into kitchen, living room and...

  • Right, then.

  • - Hey.

  • - It's OK, it's me.

  • - Gosh. - How's it going?

  • Fine. How long have I been going?

  • - Two and a half minutes. - Shit!

  • - Listen, I've got an idea. - What?

  • - Something I think you're gonna like. - I've got to be getting on with thi-

  • It's important, Daisy. Trust me.

  • Hm. I'm glad we did that.

  • We had to really.

  • It was inevitable you know. I'm just glad we did it sooner rather than later.

  • I think there would have been a hell of a lot of tension if we'd left it any longer.

  • You're telling me.

  • What shall we do now?

  • I think we should descale the teapot.

  • - You filthy bitch. - You love it.

  • Ah!

  • Here we go. Here we go.

  • Ooh!

  • Tim, what are you doing?

  • Well, we're having a sale on X-Men comics at the shop

  • and Bilbo wanted me to draw a picture of Wolverine slashing prices with his adamantium

  • claws.

  • - I'm also doing a poster... - All right!

  • Oh! Oh, my glasses! Where are my glasses?

  • Oh.

  • Right. Yes!

  • Let's have a party! Let's have a house-warming party.

  • - What? - It'd be great!

  • I could make invitations out of plastic and tinfoil.

  • We can invite Marsha and Brian.

  • - Yeah, all right. When? - Tonight! Let's have it tonight!

  • Tonight?! That's a bit short notice.

  • It'll be great, I'll call all my mates, it'll be like Warhol's Factory-

  • artists, writers, musicians, dossers off the street,

  • all interacting and relaxing in our pad, the new hub of north London.

  • The cutting edge! You know?

  • We could have a glitter ball! I could make one out of tinfoil!

  • - All right. - Yes!

  • - But your room's the coat room. - OK.

  • Get this old thing out the way.

  • Party, um-by-ay, party, um-by-ay...

  • If we have it, they will come.

  • I said yes.

  • Leave me alone!

  • Holiday from what? We'd all have a bleedin' holiday, wouldn't we?

  • Oh, hello. Everything all right?

  • Teenagers, eh?

  • She's not a teenager, she's the devil in an A cup!

  • - Ooh!

  • Well, us amiable bunch of 20-somethings, us harmless happy-go-lucky lot,

  • we're having a party tonight, very small, very quiet.

  • We wondered if you and Amber wanted to come and throw coleslaw at each other.

  • She won't come, she's having a party of her own up here tonight.

  • - You sure you want me there? - Oh, yeah! We'd love it if you came.

  • Will Brian be there?

  • I hope so, Tim's just gone to ask him.

  • - Do you like him? - He's all right.

  • Good legs.

  • - Who is it? - Father Christmas.

  • - Oh, it's you. - Who'd you think it was?

  • Daisy wants a house-warming party tonight

  • so she sent me to ask you if you want to come.

  • - Is Marsha coming? - I don't know, she's gone up to ask her.

  • What's the deal with you and Marsha?

  • - You know about the deal? - What?!

  • I'm busy, Tim, painting a triptych.

  • - Oh, yeah, what's it called? - Bad Sandwich.

  • - Really? - Yes.

  • It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event,

  • a synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive expressions.

  • - There'll be girls at the party. - Really?

  • - Yes. - Mm.

  • All right, mate?

  • I don't think we're gonna need any security, it's gonna be very low-key.

  • Well... Yeah, well, bring one. Bring the Baretta. Yeah.

  • No, bring the Glock 17, yeah, that's my favourite.

  • OK, I'll see you later. Bye. Where have you been?

  • Talking to Marsha. What's a Glock 17?

  • It's a gun. You've been talking to Marsha for four hours?

  • Did you know her husband once drummed for Status Quo? Who's bringing a gun?

  • Mike. Is that what you've been talking about for four hours?

  • Why is Mike bringing a gun to our party?

  • Security. Do you think she suspects we're not a couple?

  • I don't think so. Why do we need security? We're not organising a rave.

  • It's not that kind of security, it's like a gonk, a troll, a Linus blanket, you know.

  • Do we still have to hold hands in the corridor?

  • - Not if you don't want to. - I didn't say that.

  • We could probably cut down on the fake sex noises.

  • Shame.

  • My friend Twist is coming. Oh, you're gonna love her, she's brilliant!

  • She's brilliant, really intelligent, funny, talented, funny, funny, interesting.

  • Forget all that. Is she fit?

  • She ran half a marathon for Fashion Aid.

  • Have you managed to rustle up any media types?

  • - Oh, yeah. - Who?

  • - The paperboy. - Smooth.

  • What about you?

  • What with the Skaterama at the East Finchley Uberbowl

  • and the Tripods convention in Swindon, most of my friends are otherwise engaged.

  • Don't worry, Tim, it's gonna be great.

  • I'm just gonna go and try on a few outfits.

  • - Hello? - Oh, hi. Is Daisy there, please?

  • Hang on, she's just getting her clothes on. Daisy! It's your boyfriend!

  • Shh! Hi, Richard.

  • - What did he mean by that? - 'By what?'

  • About you getting your clothes on?

  • We're having a house-warming, I was trying to pick some clothes.

  • - Oh, I see. - 'How's it going?'

  • What's that?!

  • - Daisy, I can hear sex noise!

  • Shh! Not now!

  • I see it as a tribute

  • to Christo, the artist.

  • I see it as a waste

  • of Baco, the foil.

  • Party!

  • OK, whoo! Whoo!

  • Music. Music! We need warm-up music!

  • Warm-up music, warm-up music.

  • Party tape. Here we go.

  • Hot dog, jumping frog

  • Alma Cookies

  • Hot dog, jumping frog

  • Come on!

  • Ooh, try not to eat too much, there's quite a lot of people coming. Yeah?

  • Hey, Brian, do you want some ice?

  • Come on! Come on! Come and get some ice, go on!

  • Oh, God, I don't understand this!

  • I defrosted this earlier. It just eats up electricity and frosts up really quickly.

  • I put half a Magnum in there this afternoon, I can't get it out now.

  • - It's almost as if it's... - Self-aware.

  • Yeah.

  • - Agh!

  • - Hi, Mike. - Tim.

  • - Hello. - Oh, hi. We're looking for the party.

  • - Er, yeah, well, come on it. - Are you Amber's dad?

  • It's upstairs.

  • - You might have missed the puppet show. - Fuck off!

  • - What did you say? - They said "Fuck off."

  • I know what they said, Mike!

  • Little cow. Standing there with her purple hair and her alcopops, giving it all that, "Hello."

  • Sorry, this is my best friend, Mike.

  • Hello, Mike. I'm Daisy, nice to meet you.

  • How you doin'? Sergeant Mike Watts, TA. It's the longest way up, shortest way down.

  • - Oh, you've brought something? - Yeah, I've got a... land mine.

  • Oh, right, OK. I'll just put that somewhere safe.

  • Artist, writer...

  • - Er, Mike. - You never said Amber was having a party.

  • - Yeah. We'll show them.

  • What is this?! This is rubbish!

  • We should be listening to firm, young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass.

  • God, I sound so stupid!

  • Twist! Hi!

  • - Oh! - Daisy! Oh!

  • Don't you look nice? Bit of a midriff show!

  • - Yeah. - Big's in this season. Good for you.

  • Everyone, this is my friend, Twist.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • Hey, Twista, what can I getcha?

  • I shouldn't really drink because of the yeast, but go on, I'll be naughty and have a spritzer.

  • Is there anywhere I can hang my wrap?

  • - Daisy's room's the coat room. - Right.

  • She's great, isn't she? She's great, she's so funny!

  • Oh!

  • So, erm, you two have got separate rooms?

  • - No. - Yes.

  • - Yes. - No.

  • - We had an argument. - We had a fight, Daisy snores.

  • - I snore! - Like a pig!

  • - He's like a big sweaty pig! - Ha, you're the pig! I'm not the snoring one.

  • - That's why we sleep separately.

  • - That's right, yeah. We're not a couple. - Hey! Hey!

  • Y-you! Funny. That is good.

  • No, the fact is...

  • We're not a couple. We lied to get the flat.

  • - But we really like it here. - We really like it here.

  • - So, please, whatever you do, don't tell... - Marsha!

  • - Hello. - Hi!

  • It's me, the weirdo from upstairs.

  • Oh!

  • - Am I late? - No!

  • - Hello, Brian. - Hello.

  • - Erm, Twist...

  • Marsha, this is Twist. She's in fashion.

  • Er, Marsha's... a landlady.

  • - Hello. - Hi! Interesting outfit.

  • Oh, thanks. Thought I'd make an effort.

  • Mm, yeah. I can really see what you tried to do.

  • Yeah. Cheers.

  • And that's Mike.

  • Er,... and... he's... a Mike.

  • - Where shall I put me coat? - Er...?

  • Don't worry.

  • I'll put it in Tim and Daisy's room.

  • If I was you, I wouldn't care. You look great like that.

  • You can just eat what you like and you don't care if you get fat.

  • I wish I didn't have to be so picky.

  • You can't trust them in that organic-produce shop. It's con after con.

  • That's it, isn't it? Con after con.

  • The evil hand of capitalism dons a gardening glove

  • to take our money in the name of global awareness.

  • The woman in there has really squinty eyes, stinks of garlic and looks like a turd in a wig.

  • You'd think with the money she's raking in she could afford a new hairbrush.

  • A T-shirt or something.

  • Anyway. It's quite a nice flat.

  • It'll be better when you've unpacked and cleaned up a little.

  • This is it, actually.

  • Tim seems nice and friendly, doesn't he?

  • Come on, now, Daisy. Stop feeling like a big, fat, ugly failure.

  • Everything's going to be fine. Hm? Hey?

  • Good.

  • So, what do you do, Brian?

  • - He paints. - Oh, yes? What sort of thing?

  • Erm...

  • - Tell her, Brian. - Anger.

  • - Aarrgghh!

  • Pain.

  • - Ow!

  • Fear.

  • - Ohh.

  • Aggression.

  • I know exactly what you mean.

  • - Do you? - Yes.

  • Ooh, Timewarp!

  • Oh, Timewarp?!

  • Let's do the Timewarp again!

  • Jump to the left

  • - ♪ And then a step to the right... - Bloody hell, this party is so rubbish.

  • - Is it? - You were there.

  • Providing much-needed door security.

  • - Any problems? - No.

  • Sorry. Do you think we're getting old, Mike?

  • Everyone gets old, Tim. Everyone except my cousin Adam.

  • What's so special about your cousin Adam?

  • - He is getting younger. - Bastard. What are we gonna do?

  • There's nothing we can do, the government know.

  • Not about Adam! I'm talking about what we're gonna do now!

  • Wanna go into your party?

  • They were playing the Timewarp, I hate the Timewarp!

  • - Daisy likes it. - So what?! I hate it!

  • It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants

  • and students with too many posters of Betty Blue, the Blues Brothers and Big Blue

  • on their blue bloody walls!

  • - It's just a song. - I don't care! I hate it, I don't wanna hear it!

  • I don't wanna hear it at a party, least of all a party I'm supposed to be throwing!

  • Oh, my God, Tim! Control yourself, please.

  • - We're all in, like, the arts and the media.

  • I'm writing a screenplay at the moment.

  • Called, erm,...

  • Guacamole, erm, Window.

  • I think you'd be good for the lead, actually.

  • - Do you want one?

  • No, I'd better not.

  • Go on, then, I'll have a half. I'll have a half.

  • They're mints.

  • Yeah. I'll have a half... mint.

  • - Ow! - Go!

  • Ow! Ow!

  • Ow!

  • Will you stop it?!

  • I mean it.

  • I'm sorry you didn't get into the army, Mike, it's not my fault.

  • - Even if it was, that was a long time ago. - I still remember it, Tim-Tim.

  • Hey! No time for that now! What we gonna do?

  • - We could slap each other about a bit more. - I don't feel like it.

  • We could go to Amber's party.

  • - What? - Amber, the girl upstairs.

  • Are you suggesting we crash Amber's party?

  • I don't know, it'll just be a load of teenage girls.

  • And that's a good thing!

  • Have we got any more booze? We need some more beers.

  • What you doing?

  • - Who are you? - I'm the paperboy.

  • - Daisy, he's got a brace. - I thought it was a piercing.

  • Urgh! Look, come upstairs, it's brilliant, it's 2.30am, it's just got started.

  • Oh... I dunno.

  • - There's things up there you won't believe. - What about the party? What about the dips?

  • That's what I mean, Daisy, don't you see?

  • - What? - Dips, the Timewarp, paperboys.

  • Not many people came but you're having a good time, aren't you?

  • It's a party! It's just a laugh!

  • It's not a laugh! It's not even a party.

  • Daisy, there'll be a time for dips. OK? But this isn't it.

  • He's right, Daisy.

  • There's nothing for us here any more.

  • Join us!

  • Yes, come on, Daisy.

  • Join us!

  • All right.

  • Look at them. They're all so thin.

  • Hello.

Morning, darling, I've made you breakfast. Did you sleep all right?

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