B1 Intermediate US 67 Folder Collection
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THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON A,
AGAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF WALL TO
WALL DRAMA HERE.
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT
THERE'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO WRAP
WERE YOUR HEAD AROUND.
LAST NIGHT, AS YOU PROBABLY
KNOW, THE PRESIDENT INTERRUPTED
PRIME TIME TELEVISION TO READ A
SPEECH FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, TO
WARN US ABOUT MEXICANS, AS IF
THEY'RE A MIGRATION OF KILLER
BEES SWARMING AFTER US.
THE SPEECH I THINK WAS INTENDED
TO CONVINCE US THAT WE HAVE A
CRISIS AT THE BORDER.
HE'S MARRIED TO ONE AND REFUSES
TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
THIS WAS NOT AN INSPIRED SPEECH.
IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GIVING IT
AT GUN POINT.
AND HE WAS SNIFFLING.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE FORGOT TO
TAKE HIS ALLERGY MEDICATION.
>> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM
CONGESTION?
UNCONTROLLABLE PERSISTENT
SNIFFLING?
FINALLY, THERE IS HOPE,
WALLEGRA, FOR BORDER-NEGOTIATING
RELATED DELUSIONS.
ASK YOUR INDICTED CAMPAIGN
MANAGER IF WALLEGRA IS RIGHT FOR
YOU.
IT MAY CAUSE A SUDDEN INABILITY
TO USE NUMBERS AND FACTS.
WALLEGRA, SHUT DOWN THE
GOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR SINUSES.
>> AVAILABLE AT BORDER
WALGREENS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A VERY DRIPPY
SPEECH, NASAL AND OTHERWISE, BUT
TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY LEADER WHO
CAME OFF BADLY.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S VIEADVISING
THEM.
BUT AS BAD AS TRUMP'S
PRESENTATION WAS, THE REBUTTAL
FROM CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY
PELOSI MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
>> GOOD EVENING.
I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO
TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
ABOUT HOW WE CAN END THIS
SHUTDOWN.
>> OBVIOUSLY, THEY SUBSCRIBE TO
NETFLIX.
THEY LOOK LIKE THE TRAILER FOR
"GET OUT TWO."
TWO SCARY WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE
SECRET.
THE MAIN THING WAS TRUMP.
HE HAD BIGLY WHOPPER THE FOR US.
HE HAD MORE LIES.
TRUMP CLAIMED THE WALL, IF WE
BUILD IT, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.
THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY WHO
EVER BANKRUPTED A CASINO SAYS
THE WALL WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.
THEN TODAY, AFTER A SPEECH THAT
CHANGED EXACTLY NO ONE'S MIND,
THE PRESIDENT SAID ALL RIGHT,
I'M GOING TO MEET WITH THE
DEMOCRATS.
AND AS YOU READ, IT DID NOT GO
WELL.
JUST LEFT THE MEETING WITH CHUCK
AND FANCY.
A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.
I ASKED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN
IN 30 DAYS IN I QUICKLY OPEN
THINGS UP.
WILL YOU FUND THE WALL, NANCY
PELOSI SAID NO.
I SAID BYE-BYE.
HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO PIN IT
ON DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WAS
PROUD TO CLAIM IT FOR HIMSELF.
CABLE NEWS RUSHES OUT.
AND HERE'S CHUCK SCHUMER'S TAKE.
>> HE ASKED SPEAKER PELOSI IF
SHE WOULD FUND THE WALL, AND SHE
SAID NO.
AND HE SAID WE HAVE NOTHING TO
DISCUSS AND HE WALKED OUT.
AGAIN, WE SAW A TEMPER TANTRUM.
>> Jimmy: HE ALSO CLAIMED
PRESIDENT TRUMP SLAMMED THE
TABLE BUT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE
HAD A VERY DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE
ENCOUNTER.
>> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THE
PRESIDENT DID IN THE MEETING AND
ARE WE ANY CLOSER TO HAVING A
NATIONAL EMERGENCY DECLARED?
>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT WALKED
INTO THE ROOM AND PASSED OUT
CANDY.
IT'S TRUE.
>> IT IS TRUE.
>> Jimmy: HE HANDED OUT
BUTTERFINGERS AND M&Ms.
I WONDER IF HE HANDS OUT THE
BROWN M&Ms OR IF HE STUFFS THOSE
BACK IN THE BAG.
BUT THE MORNING STARTED WITH A
PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT THE WALL,
THE PRESIDENT IS POINTING TO
OTHER COUNTRIES AS PROOF.
>> ISRAEL PUT UP A WALL, 99.9%
SUCCES
SUCCESSFUL ACCORDING TO BIBI
NETANYAHU.
HE TOLD ME 99.9.
MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE IT.
BUT THEY PUT UP A WALL, AND THEY
DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT, NEVER
HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN ISRAEL.
HERE'S THE THING, WALLS DON'T
STOP DRUGS FROM GETTING IN.
PRISONS HAVE WALLS, DRUGS GET
INTO PRISONS ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT WILL STOP PEOPLE
FROM GETTING ACROSS THE BORDER?
THE CUSTOMS AND DEA AGENTS.
THE PEOPLE DONALD TRUMP HASN'T
BEEN PAYING FOR THE LAST THREE
WEEKS.
ONE REPORTER JON KARL ASKED WHY
THEY DIDN'T JUST PAY THE
WORKERS.
>> WHY NOT SIGN THE BILL SO THE
WORKERS --
>> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO
THAT?
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT,
JON?
>> IT'S NOT FOR ME.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU THINK I
SHOULD JUST SIGN?
TELL ME, TELL ME.
JON, YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST
SIGN?
>> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT,
THESE WORKERS CAN START GETTING
PAID.
>> IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION
YOU WOULD DO THAT.
>> I'M NOT IN YOUR POSITION.
>> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO
THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION,
BECAUSE IF WOULD YOU DO THAT,
YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN THIS
POSITION.
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jimmy: IT WAS A FUN DAY.
THERE'S NO END TO THE SHUTDOWN
IN SIGHT UNLESS THEY LISTEN TO
ME.
I HAVE A PLAN TO END THE
SHUTDOWN TOMORROW, FOR REAL.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T WANT TO SET THE
EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH, BUT, WE
ALL KNOW THE HOUSE ISN'T GOING
TO AUTHORIZE THE MONEY TO PAY
FOR THIS WALL.
IT'S A WASTE.
EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
HE PROMISED IT, BECAUSE HE
DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GOING TO
WIN.
HE MIGHT AS WELL PROMISE US ALL
JET PACKS.
HE TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR
HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUILD
IT, NOW THEY WANT IT BUILT.
HOW DOES HE GET OUT OF IT
WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE LOST.
WE PRETEND TO BUILD THE WALL.
TRUMPCARES SO
TRUMP CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT THE
WALL, HE MIGHT AS WELL START
CALLING IT ERIC.
AND TELL THE RED HAT CLUB THAT
THE WALL IS APPROVED, IT'S GOING
UP, WE FOUND A POT OF GOLD ON
THE TIJUANA BORDER, WE'RE USE
BEING THAT TO BUILD IT.
THERE'S NO REASON TO BE HONEST.
IF TRUMP TELLS HIS TRUMPERS THAT
THE WALL IS BEING BUILT, THEY'LL
BELIEVE IT.
ARE THEY GOING TO GO DOWN THERE
AND CHECK?
NO.
JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM IN A
HARD HAT.
HE CAN CUT THE RIBBON, A GROUP
OF ACTORS CAN COME IN AND START
DIGGING.
HE'S HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY AND
EVERYBODY CAN GO BACK TO WORK.
JUST MAYBE AT THE END OF ALL
THIS DONALD TRUMP WILL REALIZE
THAT THE WALL HE THOUGHT HE
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Jimmy Kimmel's Plan to End Trump's Government Shutdown

67 Folder Collection
Jingjiang Li published on February 1, 2019
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