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  • WE WILL BE KEEPING AN EYE ON

  • THAT PROGRAM.

  • LAST NIGHT AT THE TWO-YEAR MARK

  • OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, WE PUT

  • ON A HALF-TIME SHOW.

  • THE FAILING "NEW YORK TIMES" PUT

  • US IN THEIR BEST OF LATE NIGHT

  • COLUMN.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL CELEBRATING THE

  • MIDWAY POINT.

  • AND "DEADLINE HOLLYWOOD".

  • WE EVEN GOT A SHOUT OUT FROM FOX

  • NEWS.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL DEPICTS TRUMP'S

  • FATHER IN HELL, MOCKS KELLYANNE

  • CONWAY'S SEX LIFE.

  • IT'S ANOTHER BIGLY DAY FOR

  • DONALD.

  • IT IS THE 14th WEDDING

  • ANNIVERSARY.

  • MELANIA SPENT THE DAY BINGE

  • WATCHING "ESCAPE FROM ANNAMORA".

  • AND A MARIS POLL SHOWING HIS

  • APPROVAL RATE BEING AMONG

  • LATINOS GOING UP.

  • MELANIA DID TWEET ABOUT HIM.

  • YOU'LL SEE THE TRUMPS HAVE

  • APPARENTLY BEEN SHRINKING SINCE

  • HE TOOK OFFICE, AND THEY CAN NOW

  • BOTH FIT COMFORTABLY ON A

  • PRESIDEN

  • PRESIDENTIAL COASTER, THE

  • TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR A 14th

  • ANNIVERSARY, YOU KNOW WHAT IT

  • IS?

  • IT'S IVORY.

  • SO TRUMP SENT HIS DUMB SONS TO

  • KILL AN ELEPHANT FOR LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • IF MELANIA CAN TAKE 14 YEARS OF

  • HIM, WE CAN STICK IT OUT FOR

  • ANOTHER TWO, RIGHT?

  • TODAY WAS THE 32nd DAY OF THIS

  • GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

  • ALMOST 800,000 FEDERAL WORKERS

  • HAVEN'T BEEN PAID FOR A MONTH OF

  • WORK.

  • SO WE'VE BEEN GIVING JOBS TO

  • SOME OF THOSE UNPAID FEDERAL

  • EMPLOYEES.

  • SO FAR WE'VE HIRED TEN OF THEM

  • TO WORK AT THE SHOW.

  • WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF JOBS,

  • TONIGHT WE'RE JOINED BY NUMBER

  • 11, JAMIE RODNEY.

  • HI, JAMIE.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU.

  • >> Jimmy: WHAT IS YOUR JOB?

  • TELL US WHAT YOUR JOB TITLE IS.

  • >> I'M A FEDERAL INVESTIGATOR

  • WITH THE UNITED STATES

  • DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN

  • DEVELOPMENT.

  • >> Jimmy: DOES THAT MEAN YOU

  • ARREST PEOPLE?

  • >> NO.

  • >> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU DO

  • SPECIFICALLY?

  • >> I INVESTIGATE COMPLAINTS OF

  • DISCRIMINATION ON THE BASE OF

  • RACE, NATIONAL ORIGIN, COLOR,

  • SEX AND DISABILITY.

  • >> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT.

  • SO THAT'S A GOOD THING THAT YOU

  • DO.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Jimmy: WHO IS DOING THAT

  • WHILE THE GOVERNMENT IS SHUT

  • DOWN?

  • >> NOBODY.

  • >> Jimmy: SO PEOPLE ARE FREE TO

  • DISCRIMINATE AS THEY PLEASE.

  • >> THEY SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE WE

  • CAN GO AFTER THEM AFTERWARD.

  • >> Jimmy: YOU CAN GO AFTER THEM.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Jimmy: IN THE MEANTIME, THERE

  • ARE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A PLACE

  • TO LIVE.

  • >> RIGHT.

  • WE COMBAT BASIS IN SEGREGATION

  • AND HOMELESSNESS.

  • >> Jimmy: WHICH IS A BIG PROBLEM

  • HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

  • AND WHAT ABOUT THIS PERSONALLY

  • HAS AFFECTED YOU AND YOUR

  • FAMILY?

  • >> MY FAMILY AND I SPENT EVERY

  • PENNY WE HAD IN SAVINGS TO

  • PURCHASE OUR FIRST HOME.

  • SO NOW WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO

  • PAY OUR MORTGAGE OR TO PAY FOR

  • OUR SON'S PRESCHOOL OR OUR

  • GROCERIES OR ELECTRICITY OR

  • PHONE BILLS OR CAR BILLS OR ALL

  • OF OUR BILLS.

  • SO.

  • >> Jimmy: THAT'S AWFUL.

  • >> IT'S AWFUL.

  • >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE NICE HAIR, SO

  • HERE'S WHAT WE WERE THINKING.

  • CAN I HAVE THE HAIRBRUSH?

  • NATHAN FILLION IS OUR GUEST

  • TONIGHT.

  • NATHAN FILLION HAS A BEAUTIFUL

  • HEAD OF HAIR.

  • IF YOU COULD BE SO KIND TO DO

  • HIS HAIR TONIGHT.

  • >> THAT WOULD BE SO EXCITING.

  • >> Jimmy: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • >> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • >> Jimmy: HE'S LIKE A CANADIAN

  • NATIONAL TREASURE.

  • >> I AGREE.

  • >> Jimmy: OUR FEDERAL WORKER OF

  • THE NIGHT.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • GUILLERMO, TAKE IT EASY OVER

  • THERE, WILL YOU?

  • MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF HAIR,

  • REMEMBER BERNIE SANDERS?

  • I HAVE A FEELING WE'RE GOING TO

  • START SEEING A LOT OF BIRERNIE

  • AGAIN.

  • HE SPOKE AT A MLK EVENT AND HAD

  • POINTED WORDS FOR THE PRESIDENT.

  • >> TODAY WE TALK ABOUT JUSTICE,

  • AND TODAY WE TALK ABOUT RACISM.

  • AND I MUST TELL YOU, IT GIVES ME

  • NO PLEASURE TO TELL YOU THAT WE

  • NOW HAVE A PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES WHO IS A RACIST.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE ALMOST DEF

  • COMEDY JAM HE PERFORMS AT.

  • RUDY GIULIANI HAS BEEN BUSY.

  • HE'S BEEN WALKING HIS COMMENTS

  • ABOUT THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION

  • BACK AND FORTH.

  • HE GAVE A DOOZY OF AN INTERVIEW

  • TO "THE NEW YORKER."

  • HE WEIGHED IN ON THE REPORT FROM

  • BUZZ FEED SAYING THAT TRUMP

  • DIRECTED MICHAEL COHEN TO LIE TO

  • CONGRESS.

  • GIULIANI SAYS I CAN TELL FROM

  • THE MOMENT I READ THE STORY IT

  • WAS FALSE.

  • THE NEW YORKER SAYS BECAUSE?

  • BECAUSIVY BEEN THR

  • BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE

  • TAPES, THE E-MAILS.

  • AND THEY PROBABLY WENT THEIR

  • OTHERS AND FOUND THE SAME THING.

  • AND THEY SAID WAIT, WHAT TAPES

  • HAVE YOU BEEN THROUGH?

  • AND RUDY SAID, I SHOULDN'T HAVE

  • SAID TAPES.

  • ARE WE SURE RUDY IS REALLY A

  • LAWYER?

  • I WANT TO SEE THAT DIPLOMA.

  • THE INTERVIEW WAS DONE AS RUDY

  • WAS ABOUT TO JUMP IN THE SHOWER.

  • AS NUTTY AS THAT SOUNDS, IMAGINE

  • HIM SAYING THOSE THINGS NUDE.

  • ARE YOU DOING IT?

  • MEANWHILE, THERE'S ANOTHER TRUMP

  • TELL-ALL BOOK ON THE WAY THAT

  • HAS SOME FUN STUFF ABOUT HIS

  • FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN

  • KELLY.

  • TURNS OUT, JOHN KELLY MAY HAVE

  • BEEN MORE MISERABLE THAN WE

  • THOUGHT HE WAS.

  • IT IS CALLED "TEAM OF VIPERS ",

  • IT IS WRITTEN BY A GUY WHO USED

  • TO WORK IN THE COMMUNICATIONS

  • OFFICE.

  • HE SAID WORKING FOR TRUMP WAS

  • THE WORST JOB HE'S EVER HAD.

  • IF HE GOT FIRED IT WOULD BE THE

  • BEST DAY HE EVER HAD IN THIS

  • PLACE.

  • AND FOR A GUY WHO SPENT TEN

  • CHRISTMASES IN BAGHDAD, THAT'S

  • SAYING SOMETHING.

  • I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE KELLY

  • DIDN'T ENJOY HIS TIME, BECAUSE

  • HE LOOKED SO HAPPY TO BE THERE.

  • WE LOOKED THIS UP TODAY.

  • THERE ARE PHOTOS OF JOHN KELLY,

  • WE HAD THEM.

  • WE PUT THEM SIDE BY SIDE WITH

  • WHAT YOU GET IF YOU DO A SEARCH

  • FOR STOCK PHOTOS USING THE

  • KEYWORD "IMPOTENCE".

  • THERE'S PHOTO.

  • JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

  • JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

  • JOHN KELLY, IMPOTENCE.

  • AND JOHN KELLY AND IMPOTENCE.

  • ONE MORE, JOHN KELLY AND, JOHN

  • KELLY HAD NO IDEA THIS WHOLE

  • THING WAS NOTHING MORE THAN AN

  • AUDITION FOR A CIALIS

  • COMMERCIAL.

  • YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAS A MEMOIR

  • COMING OUT?

  • CHRIS CHRISTIE, THE FORMER

  • GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY HAS A

  • MEMOIR OUT DUE A WEEK FROM

  • TODAY.

  • IT'S CALLED WHAT'S THE BOOK

  • GOING TO BE CALLED WHILE HE'S

  • EATING A SANDWICH, AND THE RAES

  • REST IS HISTORY.

  • HEY, NATHAN, HOW'S JAMIE DOING?

  • >> SO FAR SO GOOD.

  • THE BRUSH SMELLS LIKE FLOOR.

  • >> Jimmy: JAMIE, KEEP GOING.

  • IT LOOKS PROBABLY PERFECT JUST

  • LIKE THAT.

  • >> IT'S REALLY ON FLEET.

WE WILL BE KEEPING AN EYE ON

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