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  • Amethyst: I want to tell you one story,

  • Uhh... this-- this was

  • the best meal I've ever had in my life, all right.

  • And it took place at a little restaurant called

  • the Ruby and Sapphire Diner,

  • which was a family restaurant in the city.

  • It's a wonderful family restaurant in--in Delamarva

  • which means that it caters mainly to

  • teenagers and homeless schizophrenics.

  • Now, I go into this place one day when I'm young

  • with my best friend, Lapis.

  • We walk into the Ruby and Sapphire Diner one day,

  • and they had a Jukebox there, all right.

  • And the Jukebox was three plays for a dollar.

  • So we put in seven dollars

  • and selected 21 plays

  • of Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?"

  • And then we ordered and waited.

  • Here's the thing

  • about when "What's New Pussycat?" plays,

  • over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again

  • The second time it plays,

  • your immediate thought is not,

  • "Hey, someone's playing 'What's New Pussycat?' again."

  • It's "Hey, 'What's New Pussycat?'

  • is a lot longer than I first thought,

  • And it has like a dip in the middle.

  • You know how some songs have a dip, like--like

  • Guns and Roses' "November Rain"?

  • You're like, "Hey, 'November Rain' is over!"

  • No, it's not.

  • There's more.

  • The third time it plays, you're thinking,

  • "MAYBE someone's playing 'What's New Pussycat' again."

  • The fourth time it plays, you're thinking, "Whoa,

  • someone just played 'What's New Pussycat?' four times,

  • or at least, someone played it twice,

  • and it's a really long song."

  • So... the fifth time is the kicker.

  • Now, we're watching the entire diner at this point.

  • Most people have gotten wind as to what's going on.

  • And we're staring at this one gem,

  • and she's sitting in her booth

  • and her, like, hand is shaking while her

  • stupid kids jump around

  • and, like, she's been on to us since the beginning.

  • And she's staring at her coffee cup like this,

  • and she has this look on he face like,

  • oh, like she just got her 30-day chip

  • from anger management.

  • And he's sitting like this

  • And the fourth play fades out...

  • It's dead quiet...

  • And then... I don't know if you know this,

  • but the song begins

  • very subtly...

  • "BWAH! BWUH! WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?!"

  • And the gem goes, "God dammit!"

  • and pounds on the table, and silverware flies everywhere,

  • and it was fantastic!

  • But a word about my friend Lapis,

  • and what a genius she was...

  • because when we were first up at the jukebox,

  • and we were punching in the "What's New Pussycats", right?

  • I'd punched in about seven,

  • and then Lapis says to me,

  • "Hey, hey, hey, wait.

  • Before we drop in another 'What's New Pussycat?'...

  • Let's put in one

  • 'It's Not Unusual'."

  • And that is when the afternoon

  • went from good to great!

  • After seven

  • "What's New Pussycats"

  • in a row!

  • Suddenly,

  • "Dum-duh-dum, duh, nah-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh...

  • It's not unusual!"

  • And the sigh of relief

  • that swept through the diner!

  • People were ecstatic!

  • It was like the liberation of France!

  • You know, for years scientists have wondered:

  • "Can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy

  • by playing Tom Jones's 'It's Not Unusual'?"

  • And the answer is:

  • Yes.

  • You can! As long as it is preceded

  • by seven "What's New Pussycats"!

  • And on the other hand... when we went back...

  • Holy shit.

  • "It's Not Unusual" fades out...

  • It's dead quiet...

  • "BWAH! BWUH! WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?!"

  • People went fucking insane!

  • No one could handle it!

  • No one could handle it!

  • And they were surrounded by this, like, seemingly indifferent staff, you know,

  • that was just like

  • "Yep, same shit as always."

  • My only wish is that one of the schizophrenics had stood up and been like,

  • "Now you know!

  • Now you know what it's like to live in my brain!"

  • They unplugged the jukebox

  • after 11 plays,

  • and THAT was the best meal I've ever had!

Amethyst: I want to tell you one story,

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