"My Weird Roommate" stories from you guys.

I once had a roommate, by the way, quickly,

that used to sleep...

His sheets were so tight... [ Laughter ]

...I don't even know how he fit in the bed.

And he'd somehow fit himself or slithered into the bed,

and his, like, feet couldn't even stick up.

It was just tight, so his feet were probably like that,

I'm assuming, and then he -- like this...

like he was a vampire.

-Vacuum-sealed in the bed. -Yes. Yes.

He was sucked into his own bed,

and I just never saw him get in or get out,

so I don't really know.

[ Laughter ] Maybe there was help.

Maybe he had friends help him, tuck him in --

I don't know what went down.

This first one is from @Chrishyer31.

He said...

[ Laughter, applause ]

"Have one, dude?"

"No, thanks."

Gross.

-Then he'd wear the socks.

-[ Chuckles ]

This one's from @OrangeShamWow.

-Oh, wow. Maybe he's a friend of that dude.

[ Laughter ]

He used ShamWow! instead of socks, which makes more sense.

-Oh, ShamWow. -Oh, wow.

-[ Chuckles ]

He says...

[ Laughter, applause ]

Show-tay.

-It's yo birthday.

-Show -- [ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ]

-We're gonna party. -Go, show-tay.

No, show-tay. Not shorty. -Oh, I thought it was shorty.

Oh, sorry. My mistake. -Show-tay.

-Little hard of hearing.

-This one's from @lifeat30plus. She says...

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause] Sorry.

I would move out.

I move out if that went down. Like...

[ Hiccups ] Ouchie. -Ouchie.

-[ Hiccups ] Ouchie.

-Want a Cheeto?

[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. That was him?

-Yeah.

-This one's from @ElizH2O.

Big fan of water. -Yeah, loves water.

-She says...

[ Applause ]

I have many questions. -Yeah.

-Do people have pet snails? -Yeah, I don't know.

-Also, she probably caught on 'cause it was moving too fast.

Like, there's no way he'd get all the way over there.

He was just there this morning.

[ Laughter ]

This one's from @Mldmd7.

Seven? So there's six other Mldmds.

-Oh, yeah. MDs.

-Mldmd. So they're a doctor, I presume?

-Maybe. -Mldmd.

-Maybe it's like Roman numerals. Is it 1,000?

-[ Laughs ] That would be -- -Minus 50.

1,500. -And then gave up and wrote 7.

-Yeah, forget it. Seven.

-[ Laughs ] -Too hard, man.

-Yeah, exactly. -Too much math, man.

-It's supposed to be 2007. Whatever, man.

She says...

[ Laughter, applause ]

Raindrop!

-Drop top! -[ Mutters ]

-Cookie! [ Laughter ]

-Raindrop! -Drop top!

♪♪

[ Indistinct shouting ] -There you go.

[ Laughter ]

I think that's fun. I don't think that's weird.

That's kind of a fun bit. -I like that.

Raindrop! -Drop top!

♪♪

-Cookies! -Cookies?

[ Laughter ] Are you saying cookies?

-Cookie. Cookie? Cookie?

-Cookie. Like cookies.

-He's saying cookies? -Yeah.

-[ Imitates munching ]

-I know what a cookie is, thank you. I know.

"Nom, nom, nom," is what you say. I understand.

That's for "Sesame Street." I know what that is.

-They're flat. -I thought it was like

"cook it in a crockpot" or something.

-No, no, not yet. It's like,

"Raindrops, drop top, eatin' on cookies in the hot box."

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, yeah. -Eating on?

-I thought it was like...

"Someone's gonna cook in a crockpot"?

-They're gonna do that too.

Grandma cooking in a crockpot. Cookies!

-Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

♪♪

-Instant Pot.

-Show-tay. -[ Laughs ]

-Ah, show-tay. -We're going to party.

-This one is from @birdaileen. She says...

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

[ Pounds on desk ] We know about the chickens!

-Bird! Bird! And her name's Bird?

-Oh, yeah. -That's weird.

-I don't find that weird at all.

-I think it's one of those chickens.

-[ Laughs ] Maybe this bird

just had a bunch of chicken roommates.

-So, it's a bird sending a tweet about a chicken.

[ Laughter ] No, thanks.

-No, thanks? -I may have been born at night,

but it wasn't night. -[ Laughs ]

-Gonna pull a fast one on me.

-This one's from @trevor deroche.

-Ooh.

[ Laughter ]

Nothing. Trevor DeRoche. -Sounds like a designer.

-Fancy. For Target. -What kind of a -- [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ] -His bathroom brush.

-Trevor DeRoche for Target, yeah.

"What sweater you wearing?" "Oh, this is Trevor DeRoche."

-Oh. -Oh, no big deal.

-[ Laughs ]

-Oh, no big deal, yeah. I just have three of them.

-Three Trevor DeRoche. -I have, like,

three different types of Trevor DeRoche.

Trevor DeRoche, he says...

[ Audience groans ] [ Laughs ]

You know that's real, 'cause you can't make that up.

-Why would you? -Wrote something out like...

Not bad. Not bad. -No.

-Raindrop! -Oh! Drop top!

-Cookies! [ Laughter ]

-This last one is from @annaef135. She said...

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