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  • Another story, I heard about myself

  • this one happened in high school.

  • We had this teacher in High school

  • Whose kid went to our high school

  • his name was Mr.. McNamara,

  • and his son Jake McNAmara went to our high school

  • He was a sophomore

  • when I was a senior, so he was two years behind me

  • and Mr.. McNamara

  • was an asshole

  • and one weekend he and his wife decided to leave town

  • which you should never do if you're an asshole.

  • And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teachers house

  • [hurray]

  • And everyone around town heard about it,

  • and we all got up individually and thought okay

  • let's go over there

  • and Destroy the Place.

  • I Walked into this party,

  • everyone I had ever met was there

  • and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world

  • People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off

  • It was totally unsupervised.

  • We were like dogs without horses. We were running wild

  • I Walked down to the basemen, they had a pool table in the basement

  • one dude took a running start and threw his body

  • Onto the pool table and broke it in half

  • Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara's

  • and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer

  • So the party was going great

  • I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup

  • you've seen movies,

  • and I'm standing there

  • And I'm holding a red cup and I'm starting to black out

  • and I guess someone said like

  • "something something 'police'"

  • And In a brilliant moment

  • of word association.

  • I yelled...

  • FUCK THE POLICE!!

  • fuck the police!

  • And everyone else joined in

  • A hundred drunk

  • White children

  • yelling

  • fuck

  • da

  • police

  • With the confidence of guys who have like already been to jail

  • and aren't afraid of it anymore

  • you know that like

  • "I've served my nickel you come and take me!" confidence

  • but white children

  • The reason someone had said

  • "something something 'police'"

  • was because the police were there

  • so Chicago police officer walked down the stairs

  • and got to the bottom in the basement and looked out

  • over a sea of

  • drunk Toddlers

  • yelling "fuck of the police"

  • in his face

  • That he was almost impressed

  • he was like "woow"

  • and then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went

  • "get the paddy wagon!"

  • My friend John who is now a father, this man now has a baby

  • He grabbed a 40 smashed it on the ground and yelled

  • "SCATTER"

  • And everyone ran into different directions

  • We all ran in different directions

  • It was like that scene in ratatouille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways

  • we all ran

  • in different directions

  • I ran into the laundry room, and I jumped up on the washing machine

  • and I crawled out through a window into the backyard

  • and I'm running through the backyard, and there's this big Chain-link fence

  • And I thought "I've never climbed a fence that high before..!"

  • and then I woke up at home.

  • on Monday...

  • I went to school because that's what we did back then

  • And I'm walking into the school building

  • and who do I see but Jake McNamara.

  • And he says to me..

  • "Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"

  • and I said "no"

  • you know like a liar

  • And he said "things got really out of hand"

  • "someone broke the pool table"

  • "someone took a shit of my dad's computer"

  • "But the worst thing" he says

  • "the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother."

  • "and my parents are freaking out about it"

  • And I had that thought

  • that only blackout drunks

  • and Steve urkel can have

  • Di-

  • Did I do that...?

  • I Figured no,

  • I wouldn't have done that.

  • but I was never sure

  • until two years later

  • Relax.

  • I'm playing video games with this kid named Alex

  • that we also went to high school with

  • two years later

  • We've graduated by then

  • we're playing video games for a couple hours, and then Alex says to me

  • "Hey c'mere"

  • "I want to show you something"

  • and he takes me into his bedroom

  • and then he takes me into a side room off of his

  • bedroom

  • never a good thing to have

  • He shows me

  • a tiny room

  • that is covered wall-To-wall

  • In stolen antique photos

  • from different people' parties over the years

  • and I said "Why"

  • ......

  • "Why do you do this?"

  • And Alex said

  • "because it's the one thing you can't replace

Another story, I heard about myself

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