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  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HA LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU IN FOR AN ENORMOUS TREAT.

  • BECAUSE MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE MY AND PEABODY

  • AWARD-WINNING HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," BUT HE'S BEST KNOWN AS

  • THE VOICE OF VANISH SMURF.

  • PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.

  • >> YEAH?

  • >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.

  • I LIKE THAT ASS SLIDE ACROSS THE DESK.

  • >> IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE MICHAEL J. FOX IN "BACK THE FUTURE,"

  • RIGHT?

  • OH!

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • THAT WAS EITHER-- YOU WERE, LIKE, EITHER STARSKY OR HUTCH

  • SLIDING ACROSS THE FRONT OF THEIR CHARGER.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT LOOKED, AND IT'S AS AWKWARD AS

  • IT FELT.

  • >> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

  • >> I HAVE BUFFED YOUR DESK FOR YOU.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • WELL, WELCOME BACK.

  • IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, HOW YOU BEEN?

  • >> FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • OH, OH, NOW THE QUESTIONER IS THE QUESTIONEE?

  • >> Stephen: YOUR REACTION IS AS IF I WAS PINNING YOU DOWN ON

  • SOMETHING, "FINE, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?"

  • I HAVE BEEN HERE A WHILE, AND I WAS REHEARSING BEFORE.

  • IT TURNS OUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S ALMOST 6:00 WHEN RECORDING THIS,

  • NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE TALKING FOR

  • EIGHT HOURS.

  • >> WOW.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, I'M NOT-- I'M NOT SURE

  • DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW IF OR WHAT YOU'RE APPLAUDING THERE.

  • "OH, SHE TALKED FOR SEVEN HOURS.

  • THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ENDURANCE EFFORT TO DO AND TO LISTEN TO,

  • TO SOME EXTENT."

  • YON IF ANYONE WANTS TO HEAR NANCY PELOSI SPEAK ABOUT

  • ANYTHING FOR SEVEN HOURS.

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> IF SHE READ THE HARRY POTTER AUDIO BOOK, WE WOULD HAVE NO

  • MOVIES RIGHT NOW.

  • THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S FOR THE-- FOR THE DREAMERS, TRYING TO FORCE A

  • DREAMER VOTE IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> SURE, I-- I-- IT'S ALL GOING TO WORK.

  • IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

  • BUT IT IS A VALIANT PUBLIC EFFORT.

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • NOW, YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S REQUEST FOR A

  • PARADE.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU NOT?

  • >> I HAVE INDEED HEARD THAT HE WANTS THAT.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • YEAH.

  • >> I WILL SAY THIS-- IT WON'T MAKE HIM HAPPY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT

  • HE KNOWS THAT.

  • WHATEVER THIS PRESIDENCY IS ABOUT-- THE SEARCH FOR A LOST

  • FATHER'S LOVE, TRYING TO FILL A VOID WITH SOMETHING TANGIBLE--

  • THAT PARADE IS GOING TO GO PAST HIM AND HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE,

  • ," THIS ISN'T IT, EITHER."

  • IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

  • >> THOSE PHALLIC MISSILES, "NO, OKAY, IT MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE

  • THEN."

  • AND THAT, THAT IS WHEN WE'RE REALLY (BLEEP).

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT.

  • WHAT IF WE FIRED ONE OF THOSE MISSILES OFF.

  • >> MAYBE IT'S NOT FIRING AT SOMEONE.

  • SURELY I CAN FILL THIS HOLE WITH SOMETHING.

  • WHICH HE CAN'T.

  • HE'S AN EMOTIONAL VACUUM, AND HE'LL DIE THAT WAY.

  • IF WE ACCEPTED THAT, WE'D ALL BE HAPPY.

  • >> Stephen: INTERESTING, INTERESTING, INTERESTING.

  • BUT YOU'RE STILL GIVING HIM A CHANCE.

  • >> YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

  • THE PRED PEREZ AGAINST CHANGES PEOPLE, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT?

  • THE SECOND YEAR.

  • THE SECOND YEAR REALLY SETTLES PEOPLE DOWN.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW, RIGHT?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, EXACTLY.

  • BAY OF PIGS WASN'T UNTIL THE SECOND YEAR.

  • NOW, LISTEN, ENGLAND.

  • THEY HAVE MILITARY PARADES, DON'T THEY?

  • ARE YOU USED TO THIS SORT OF THING?

  • >> MILITARY PARADE?

  • WE USED TO-- WE HAD MILITARY PARADES ACROSS INDIA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DON'T --

  • >> Stephen: HE SAW THIS-- HE SAW THIS PARADE IN FRANCE.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: AND HE SAID, "I WANT ONE LIKE THE ONE THE THEY H

  • IN FRANCE."

  • >> THAT'S WHAT WE TOOK AWAY FROM THE FRANCE TRIP, THEIR AWESOME

  • MILITARY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: HISS.

  • MEOW!

  • >> NOT TO THUMP ON ABOUT HISTORY, BUT, ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T

  • MATTER.

  • THEY COULD HAVE PUT UP MORE OF A FIGHT, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • I THINK HISTORICALLY THEY COULD HAVE FOUGHT BACK.

  • ANYWAY, I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

  • BUT I'M HAPPY TO.

  • IT'S AN ODD THING.

  • FOR A MAN WHO SEEMS INCURIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING, THAT REALLY

  • STUCK IN HIS HEAD, THAT FRENCH PARADE.

  • HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT, "I WANT ONE OF THOSE."

  • >> Stephen: WELL, I THINK THE CEREMONIAL ASPECT OF BEING

  • PRESIDENT IS WHAT HE THOUGHT THE ENTIRE JOB WAS.

  • >> I THINK THAT'S THE FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB HE OTHERWISE HAS

  • NO INTEREST IN.

  • >> Stephen: HE THOUGHT THE PRESIDENT WAS AN INFLATED

  • VERSION OF CUTTING A RIBBON AT A STRIP MALL.

  • >> HE'S GOING TO WATCH THE ROYAL WEDDING AND SAY, "I WANT ONE OF

  • THOSE."

  • SORRY, MELANIA, IT'S TIME.

  • >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE ROYAL WEDDING, YOU'RE ENGLISH,

  • YOU MUST BE REALLY EXCITE BUILD THE ROYAL WEDDING.

  • >> NO.

  • >> Stephen: COME ON!

  • >> REALLY?

  • >> Stephen: YOU'VE TO THE EXWOT TO BE.

  • HE'S A BRIT.

  • HE'S MARRYING AN AMERICAN GIRL.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR HIM?

  • >> I WOULD NOT BLAME HER IF SHE PULLED OUT OF THIS AT THE LAST

  • MINUTE.

  • I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE SEEN THE PILOT EPISODE" OF "THE

  • CROWN."

  • >> Stephen: BUT THIS GENERATION SEEMS LIKE NICE

  • PEOPLE, RIGHT?

  • THEY'RE ALL NICE NOW, RIGHT?

  • >> YEAAAH.

  • I MEAN, THEY'RE AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED GROUP OF FUNDAMENTALLY

  • FLAWED PEOPLE DOING A VERY SILLY PSEUDO-JOB.

  • THAT'S WHAT SHE'S MARRYING INTO.

  • SO I HOPE SHE LIKES IT.

  • IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD FOR HER.

  • I WOULD NOT MARRY INTO THE ROYAL FAMILY.

  • I'M A COMMONER.

  • I WOULD NOT BE WELCOME, ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT I'VE JUST

  • SAID.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M GUESSING THE QUEEN-- THE

  • QUEEN-- IS PROBABLY SIT AGO.

  • >> Stephen: COULD GET A KNIGHTHOOD.

  • >> THEORETICALLY I COULD.

  • SHE'S PROBABLY RIPPING THAT UP AS WE SPEAK.

  • "THERE WE GO.

  • YOU LITTLE BASTARD, YOU'RE NOT COMING NOW, ARE YOU?"

  • >> Stephen: WHEN YOU SEE OTHERS-- WHEN YOU SEE OTHER,

  • LIKE, PERFORMERS OR COMEDIANS OR SOMETHING, IF YOU SEE THEM GET A

  • KNIGHTHOOD, DO YOU GO (BLEEP) ARE YOU DOING?

  • >> ACCEPTING IT?

  • >> Stephen: IF YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE-- WHO, LIKE,

  • SATARRIZE POWER AND-- >> IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- IT'S JUST

  • WEIRD TO KNEEL IN FRONT OF ANOTHER ADULT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S-- IT'S ALL ODD.

  • I KNOW THAT HISTORICALLY YOU SEE PEOPLE KNEELING DOWN AND KISSING

  • THE RING, BUT IT'S A BIT STRANGE.

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT.

  • >> IT'S AN ODD THING TO STILL HAVE.

  • AND I LIKE ROYAL WEDDINGS AS MUCH AS I LIKE ANY-- I ALSO LIKE

  • FIREWORKS.

  • IT'S A SPECTACLE.

  • IT'S SOMETHING NICE TO LOOK AT.

  • >> Stephen: PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER.

  • >> WELL THAT COULD BE THE MOST...

  • >> Stephen: "KISS THE RING" MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN

  • ENGLAND, DOESN'T IT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS TOLD THAT THAT MEANS

  • SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN ENGLAND.

  • YEAH.

  • >> OH!

  • >> Stephen: IS THAT NOT TRUE?

  • >> I THINK HISTORICALLY YOU USED TO-- THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO

  • WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TEA WITH THE KING EVERY WEEK, ONCE A WEEK,

  • WOULD HAVE TO END THAT TEA TIME BY PUCKERING UP AND KISSING THE

  • KING ON HIS EXPOSED (BLEEP).

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOT MY INVITATION BACK?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MMM-HMMM.

  • THAT'S HIGH TEA.

  • THAT'S HIGH TEA.

  • >> THEY DON'T GET HIGH.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP VERSUS MUELLER, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT

  • FOR A SECOND.

  • TRUMP SAYS, "OH, YEAH, I DEFINITELY WANT TO TALK TO

  • MUELLER."

  • >> SURE HE DOES.

  • ACTUALLY, I DON'T DOUBT-- I DON'T DOUBT THAT HE WANTS TO

  • TALK.

  • BUT HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GET THROUGH HIS

  • LAWYERS FIRST.

  • IF HE TALKS-- HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO EAT HIS WAY THROUGH THEIR

  • HANDS OVER HIS MOUTH BECAUSE THEY WILL TACKLE HIM TO THE

  • FLOOR BEFORE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH IN FRONT OF HIM.

  • HE WOULD PERJUR HIMSELF BEFORE HE FINISHED HIS NAME GLING HE

  • WOULD DO A GOOD JOB, AND I THINK HE SHOULD DO IT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IF-- IF-- IF I CAN JUST

  • COSINE ON THAT.

  • I KNOW-- I KNOW I JOKE AROUND A LOT, MR. PRESIDENT.

  • BUT I ALSO THINK YOU WOULD DO AN EXCELLENT JOB.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I, TOO, THINK YOU SHOULD DO

  • IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • DO IT.

  • DO IT.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK.

  • BUT DON'T GO AWAY.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JON OLIVER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HA LADIES AND

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