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  • Hi guys. I am going to tell you about a text message I got that was not meant for me

  • and I know that because it began Hi Phil. And I'm not Phil. It said. My name's Andrew;

  • I'm one of the new tenants at 11 Dover Place and I've been told you're

  • the person to contact regarding upkeep problems etc. I said Ah I'm not actually.

  • And I was just composing another text message displaying the fact that he probably got

  • the number wrong by a digital or so but then before I had a chance to send it I got this.

  • Saying actually you are.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • And I thought, ah you d*ck.

  • He said according to the leasing agreement, you're responsible for looking after 11 Dover Place from a maintenance perspective.

  • From my perspective which it has to be said is not one of maintenance there's only one thing I could do my hands were tied.

  • I said my mistake. How can I help? Phil.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • And we were off. He said I'm in the bedroom with ensuite; Can a thermostatic

  • valve be fitted to the towel rail in the bathroom as it's making the room unbearably hot.

  • I thought about it and I said no can do.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • But, I'm having my builder come round on Wednesday to remove one of the windows.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • This should stop the bedroom overheating.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • He said Hi Phil, I'm at work on Wednesday. Can you clarify what you meant when you said you're removing a window?

  • I said Don't worry, I'm not removing a window. That would be ridiculous. I'm getting a professional to do it.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • We should achieve a nice summer breeze to combat the towel rail heat.

  • He said Can you please explain what you mean about removing windows!!!

  • Now at this point guys, if you were Andrew you probably would be wondering quite correctly whether I was indeed Phil.

  • And I didn't want him to think that because by this point I had plans.

  • So what I wanted was some proof. So what I did is I just went to do Google and I Google searched...

  • Google's amazing. Coz the first thing that came up, was an archived Zoopla page for 11 Dover Place

  • when I searched for it, including a floor plan and I thought wow that is very useful.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Because there's only one room with ensuite so I said look this is the plan for Wednesday.

  • Now guys watch very carefully.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • I made that into an animated gif and I sent it to him via iMessage but what I didn't

  • realise at the time was that if you sent an animated gif via iMessage, it just repeats.

  • I said look FYI, to take full advantage of this, you'll need to keep your bathroom door open at all times.

  • He said This is unacceptable. If you do this on Wednesday my lawyer will be in touch.

  • I said Andrew from Wednesday expect the flat to be out of action for six weeks as we initiate the following four step plan.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • I was having a great time. Step one: remove all four walls.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • And that's just step 1!

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Step two: Expand bathroom.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Step three: Can isolate towel rail within refrigeration dome.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Step four: Counteract remaining towel rail heat with tower of ice.

  • I've just spoken to the real landlord so you can knock it off.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • I said No problem. Out of interest did he agree to sort the towel rail?

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Stop texting me.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • I said Oh go on! Did he??

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Yes.

  • *crowd laughs*

  • Thank you everyone.

Hi guys. I am going to tell you about a text message I got that was not meant for me

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B1 US crowd phil rail towel wednesday dover

James Veitch - 2017 Opening Night Comedy Allstars Supershow

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    卓子鈞 posted on 2018/07/27
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