I'm an Asian -- an Asian American to be exact, a Filipino American if you want extra credit points.

You've seen some of us around.

We're part of that ensemble cast of that awesome action movie.

*ding*

We're the ones in your high school that you always want to cheat off of.

What are you doing?

Changing all my answers to the right ones.

[Teacher] Okay class, pencils down.

[Poet] And we're that porn tag you're not so ashamed about.

I'm Nicole.

You look like you need the secret Asian massage.

[Poet] Oh, you know us. Well, you think you know us.

And that's why you never asked about us!

That's why you don't care about us!

Why?? You say "model minority".

I say:

Invisible minority.

Afterthought minority.

(Applause)

And now it's time to--

(Phone interrupts: Basketball game)

I'm sorry, you want to finish double tapping?

Sorry, sorry--

[Poet] No no no. No, you look new here. What's your name?

Um..

...Andrew.

(scoff) Andrew...

You know if you met an Asian guy, there's a 1 in 13 chance his name is...Andrew.

There's a 1 in 5 chance he's an engineer.

(audience laughter)

Let me guess, Andrew. You're from the San Gabriel Valley,

You like basketball, Boyz II Men, and BMWs?

Andrew, you're like the basic bitch of Asian dudes.

(Laughter)

But we all are, in our own way.

(whispering) Wow, this guy's super rude, right?

He's an extremely accomplished speaker.

Also, why were you on your phone?

I thought we were going to a comedy show, not some wanna-be TED talk that I had to take notes for.

[Poet] ...speaking of the San Gabriel Valley,

I just read an article that said that

Asians were gentrifying that area.

Us? Asians? Gentrifying?

I thought that was a white thing.

Now, it's us too?

That made me realize something.

Asian people:

We, like, get the sampler platter of racism.

We get the mozzarella sticks of being new, freeloading immigrants.

We get the potato wedges of being communist enemies of the free world,

and a few buffalo wings of segregation via internment camps.

And now to top all that, people are saying we get white privilege?

I mean, seriously,

What other ethnic group in America get to try on every kind of stereotype?

We have the whole menu, but like damn,

I'm full.

(Applause)

Hey guys.

Ollie, great job up there.

Thank you.

And again, sorry for the phone thing. It's just been a crazy day.

Um...what are you guys talking about?

Ollie was just expanding on his platter analogy.

Oh my god. That was so funny.

It's not...a joke.

Right. No, I meant like it's a really good observation.

I've never thought of things like that.

Would you say this is exactly why we're considered the "model minority"?

We get it all, but we don't say shit, and we won't say shit because no one thinks of us in those individual cases?

Exactly. Think about it? Many of us are immigrants,

but we don't have the same illegal alien stigma that Latinos have.

And we're viewed as foreign enemies dating back to World War II, and now with China and North Korea,

but we're not as villainized as people from the Middle East.

And we do have a level of privilege due to our high economic status,

but we're not scrutinized like white people.

And lastly, there were literally laws made to segregate us in the past,

but unlike the black community, the effect of that institutionalized racism is not as prevalent in our communities decades later.

So no one speaks up for us because on the surface and those individual issues, other groups seem to have it worse.

I'm not trying to play Oppression Olympics.

Everyone's dealing with their own shit.

I'm just trying to say that we can literally relate with every type of hate,

which gives Asian Americans a very unique perspective in this country.

Wow.

It's like we're getting silver medals and everyone else is getting golds.

The Olympics analogy. I thought we were...(cough)

I'm gonna go say bye to some friends.

Um...good luck, Andrew,

and I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Later? What what's going on later?

Oh, a few of the speakers are just going back to Ollie's place to hang out.

Oh. Okay, that's..that's cool.

I guess I've been down to stay out a little longer.

Actually, um...I think we should just call it a night here.

Or just call it.

Here.

Well, what do you mean?

We gave it a shot, right? Three dates?

Oh. This is over?

Is this cause of the phone thing? Or...

No.

I mean, yes.

No.

Okay, look, just cuz I'm not some stand-up/spoken word artist on a soapbox--

Ugh...I knew I shouldn't have swiped on a Yappie.

A what?

You're a Yappie, Andrew.

Are we doing nicknames now or...?

A young Asian professional who acts like a yuppie?

Cause all you care about is earning a nice salary, and buying a nice car, and settling down in a nice suburb.

That sounds like a nice, normal person.

What's so wrong with that?

It's not wrong.

It's just...

..safe.

Listen, we're just...

...not the right fit. I need to be with someone who you know...

...cares, more

about the world.

Hey, I care a ton about the world, okay?

I rounded up my last McDonald's meal like a dollar, got myself one of those

paper balloon things that hang.

That is so not what I'm talking about.

Take it easy, Andrew.

I'm sure you'll find a nice Yappie girl to match you.

(loudly) If I'm a "Yappie", you're a Yippie.

A young hippie.

Thanks.

(sigh)

(party music)

I mean seriously, who even uses that word "Yappie"?

Maybe it's what the kids are saying now, like "dad" or "sus" or

Lil Yachty.

She wasn't a kid, okay?

She was 22.

Ha, still seven years younger than you man.

That's like getting a PhD twice.

Whatever. She was cute and I'm not gonna say no to a match.

Still got that college naivete, like she's gonna change the world.

Were we like that in college?

Hell yeah we were. Changing the world one soju bomb at a time.

Oh my god.

Look, Drew, you just gotta date older people alright?

The ones that have given up at all this hipster shit.

That's ironic, because the last older girl I dated gave up on me...so what are you saying?

It always comes back to Lana, huh?

Lana and I were like--

Is Andrew sulking about his ex-girlfriend again?

Ugh..

Yes, he was.

Hey, Melody, Jessica.

Have you guys heard of this word "Yappie" before?

Yeah, we're all Yappies.

What's a "Yappie"?

Brett if he were Asian.

Woohoo!! Hey hey!

We drinking what, "Yappies"? What is that?

...whiskey, tequila?

Hey, round-a Yappies on me man!

Is that not what it is?

(in unison) Our song!

No babe, we just got to the bar!

I'll be right back.

Doesn't it bug you?

Brad's dancing?

No. Yappie...

The way this girl said it made it sound like it was a bad thing like...

Like it's safe.

Well, we are pretty safe.

Look, we just got 17 dollar cocktails, and we're completely fine.

And we gotta wake up early to meet mom and dad for breakfast tomorrow.

We live a pretty cushy lifestyle, but we chose the safe route because it's what we wanted.

It's kind of who we are right?

It's only a bad thing if it's not.

[Flashback to Poet] You know when if you meet an Asian guy, there is a 1 in 13 chance his name is Andrew?

There's a 1 in 5 chance he's an engineer.

Let me guess, Andrew.

You like basketball,

Boyz II Men,

and BMWs?

[Flashback to date] It's just...safe.

(beep)

[Phone] Andrew, hi, can I see you in my office for a second?

Uh, yeah, I'll... I'll be right there.

So, Andrew.

Uh, sorry, it's been so long since your last review.

It's just been, ugh, crazy in the office.

(laugh)

Can barely keep up.

Anyway, I thought we should check in with each other.

Yeah.

Um, no worries.

Great.

So, the last time we talked, you were inquiring about a potential change in department. Possible relocation?

That's right, I remember that.

Right, so...

Unfortunately, we were unable to make that happen for you this year.

Oh...

Uhh. Actually, that's fine.

Oh.

Great.

Well, then from what I can gather, everything else seems fine for you.

Seems like you're pretty comfortable where you are, right?

Andrew?

Yeah,

comfortable.

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for watching Episode 1 of "Yappie".

We are so proud to have made this show and I really really hope that you're excited to watch the upcoming episodes.

Now check this out,

We actually have a few options for how you can enjoy the rest of the show.

Option 1: the entire series is free for everyone to watch each week.

So, if you want to just watch along we'll see you right here next Wednesday.

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If you just want to just binge watch all the five episodes right now,

you can head over to our Vimeo page in the links below and just buy the whole show for just $10.

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Now if you're a care holder on the Wong Fu Forward Patreon page,

You're actually going to get some special treatment.

For the bronze-level, you're going to get to see each episode, one day early.

And if you're a silver or gold care holder, you'll actually get access to the entire show right now included in your membership.

So sign up today and get this and all the other perks.

I hope that wasn't too complicated.

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