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  • Hello America.

  • I'm an Asian -- an Asian American to be exact, a Filipino American if you want extra credit points.

  • You've seen some of us around.

  • We're part of that ensemble cast of that awesome action movie.

  • *ding*

  • We're the ones in your high school that you always want to cheat off of.

  • What are you doing?

  • Changing all my answers to the right ones.

  • [Teacher] Okay class, pencils down.

  • [Poet] And we're that porn tag you're not so ashamed about.

  • I'm Nicole.

  • You look like you need the secret Asian massage.

  • [Poet] Oh, you know us. Well, you think you know us.

  • And that's why you never asked about us!

  • That's why you don't care about us!

  • Why?? You say "model minority".

  • I say:

  • Invisible minority.

  • Afterthought minority.

  • (Applause)

  • And now it's time to--

  • (Phone interrupts: Basketball game)

  • I'm sorry, you want to finish double tapping?

  • Sorry, sorry--

  • [Poet] No no no. No, you look new here. What's your name?

  • Um..

  • ...Andrew.

  • (scoff) Andrew...

  • You know if you met an Asian guy, there's a 1 in 13 chance his name is...Andrew.

  • There's a 1 in 5 chance he's an engineer.

  • (audience laughter)

  • Let me guess, Andrew. You're from the San Gabriel Valley,

  • You like basketball, Boyz II Men, and BMWs?

  • Andrew, you're like the basic bitch of Asian dudes.

  • (Laughter)

  • But we all are, in our own way.

  • (whispering) Wow, this guy's super rude, right?

  • He's an extremely accomplished speaker.

  • Also, why were you on your phone?

  • I thought we were going to a comedy show, not some wanna-be TED talk that I had to take notes for.

  • [Poet] ...speaking of the San Gabriel Valley,

  • I just read an article that said that

  • Asians were gentrifying that area.

  • Us? Asians? Gentrifying?

  • I thought that was a white thing.

  • Now, it's us too?

  • That made me realize something.

  • Asian people:

  • We, like, get the sampler platter of racism.

  • We get the mozzarella sticks of being new, freeloading immigrants.

  • We get the potato wedges of being communist enemies of the free world,

  • and a few buffalo wings of segregation via internment camps.

  • And now to top all that, people are saying we get white privilege?

  • I mean, seriously,

  • What other ethnic group in America get to try on every kind of stereotype?

  • We have the whole menu, but like damn,

  • I'm full.

  • (Applause)

  • Hey guys.

  • Ollie, great job up there.

  • Thank you.

  • And again, sorry for the phone thing. It's just been a crazy day.

  • Um...what are you guys talking about?

  • Ollie was just expanding on his platter analogy.

  • Oh my god. That was so funny.

  • It's not...a joke.

  • Right. No, I meant like it's a really good observation.

  • I've never thought of things like that.

  • Would you say this is exactly why we're considered the "model minority"?

  • We get it all, but we don't say shit, and we won't say shit because no one thinks of us in those individual cases?

  • Exactly. Think about it? Many of us are immigrants,

  • but we don't have the same illegal alien stigma that Latinos have.

  • And we're viewed as foreign enemies dating back to World War II, and now with China and North Korea,

  • but we're not as villainized as people from the Middle East.

  • And we do have a level of privilege due to our high economic status,

  • but we're not scrutinized like white people.

  • And lastly, there were literally laws made to segregate us in the past,

  • but unlike the black community, the effect of that institutionalized racism is not as prevalent in our communities decades later.

  • So no one speaks up for us because on the surface and those individual issues, other groups seem to have it worse.

  • I'm not trying to play Oppression Olympics.

  • Everyone's dealing with their own shit.

  • I'm just trying to say that we can literally relate with every type of hate,

  • which gives Asian Americans a very unique perspective in this country.

  • Wow.

  • It's like we're getting silver medals and everyone else is getting golds.

  • The Olympics analogy. I thought we were...(cough)

  • I'm gonna go say bye to some friends.

  • Um...good luck, Andrew,

  • and I'll see you later.

  • Yeah.

  • Later? What what's going on later?

  • Oh, a few of the speakers are just going back to Ollie's place to hang out.

  • Oh. Okay, that's..that's cool.

  • I guess I've been down to stay out a little longer.

  • Actually, um...I think we should just call it a night here.

  • Or just call it.

  • Here.

  • Well, what do you mean?

  • We gave it a shot, right? Three dates?

  • Oh. This is over?

  • Is this cause of the phone thing? Or...

  • No.

  • I mean, yes.

  • No.

  • Okay, look, just cuz I'm not some stand-up/spoken word artist on a soapbox--

  • Ugh...I knew I shouldn't have swiped on a Yappie.

  • A what?

  • You're a Yappie, Andrew.

  • Are we doing nicknames now or...?

  • A young Asian professional who acts like a yuppie?

  • Cause all you care about is earning a nice salary, and buying a nice car, and settling down in a nice suburb.

  • That sounds like a nice, normal person.

  • What's so wrong with that?

  • It's not wrong.

  • It's just...

  • ..safe.

  • Listen, we're just...

  • ...not the right fit. I need to be with someone who you know...

  • ...cares, more

  • about the world.

  • Hey, I care a ton about the world, okay?

  • I rounded up my last McDonald's meal like a dollar, got myself one of those

  • paper balloon things that hang.

  • That is so not what I'm talking about.

  • Take it easy, Andrew.

  • I'm sure you'll find a nice Yappie girl to match you.

  • (loudly) If I'm a "Yappie", you're a Yippie.

  • A young hippie.

  • Thanks.

  • (sigh)

  • (party music)

  • I mean seriously, who even uses that word "Yappie"?

  • Maybe it's what the kids are saying now, like "dad" or "sus" or

  • Lil Yachty.

  • She wasn't a kid, okay?

  • She was 22.

  • Ha, still seven years younger than you man.

  • That's like getting a PhD twice.

  • Whatever. She was cute and I'm not gonna say no to a match.

  • Still got that college naivete, like she's gonna change the world.

  • Were we like that in college?

  • Hell yeah we were. Changing the world one soju bomb at a time.

  • Oh my god.

  • Look, Drew, you just gotta date older people alright?

  • The ones that have given up at all this hipster shit.

  • That's ironic, because the last older girl I dated gave up on me...so what are you saying?

  • It always comes back to Lana, huh?

  • Lana and I were like--

  • Is Andrew sulking about his ex-girlfriend again?

  • Ugh..

  • Yes, he was.

  • Hey, Melody, Jessica.

  • Have you guys heard of this word "Yappie" before?

  • Yeah, we're all Yappies.

  • What's a "Yappie"?

  • Brett if he were Asian.

  • Woohoo!! Hey hey!

  • We drinking what, "Yappies"? What is that?

  • ...whiskey, tequila?

  • Hey, round-a Yappies on me man!

  • Is that not what it is?

  • (in unison) Our song!

  • No babe, we just got to the bar!

  • I'll be right back.

  • Doesn't it bug you?

  • Brad's dancing?

  • No. Yappie...

  • The way this girl said it made it sound like it was a bad thing like...

  • Like it's safe.

  • Well, we are pretty safe.

  • Look, we just got 17 dollar cocktails, and we're completely fine.

  • And we gotta wake up early to meet mom and dad for breakfast tomorrow.

  • We live a pretty cushy lifestyle, but we chose the safe route because it's what we wanted.

  • It's kind of who we are right?

  • It's only a bad thing if it's not.