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  • [Conan Voiceover] When I heard President Trump

  • had insulted Haiti in the Oval Office.

  • The President asked,

  • "Why are we having all these people

  • "from shithole countries come here?",

  • referring to African countries and Haiti.

  • The President then went on to talk about

  • how they needed to bring in more

  • people from places like Norway.

  • Now I have no idea what the president

  • has against the people of Haiti,

  • but if the president doesn't like them,

  • they must be lovely people.

  • [Conan Voiceover] A day later,

  • I was exchanging dollars for Haitian gourde,

  • and before I knew it,

  • I was in Port-au-Prince

  • receiving a warm welcome and a bottle of rum.

  • Now this will last me this morning.

  • [Conan Voiceover] To understand today's Haiti,

  • you need to know its history.

  • This should only take a minute and 23 seconds.

  • Before the Europeans came,

  • Haiti was inhabited by the indigenous Taíno people.

  • Then the Spanish arrived, conquered the Taínos,

  • plundered their gold,

  • and brought in thousands of African slaves.

  • Then the French did the same thing when they took over.

  • Then in 1804,

  • Toussaint Louverture and Jean-Jacques Dessalines

  • led a slave revolt, defeated the French,

  • and the nation of Haiti was born,

  • but France demanded reparations,

  • and Haiti had to pay them 91 million gold francs.

  • All the while,

  • the poor black majority fought with the small

  • but wealthy mulattoes, dividing Haiti.

  • Until in 1915,

  • the US invaded to impose stability

  • while also removing the gold

  • from the Haitian National Bank.

  • When the US withdrew,

  • Haiti was led by military juntas

  • and mostly corrupt presidents including

  • Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier and his son,

  • Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier who, for the next 30 years,

  • siphoned hundreds of millions of dollars out of the country,

  • and were followed by a military government,

  • more appointed presidents,

  • military rulers, an elected leader,

  • more military rulers, another election,

  • then a coup d'etat, a UN peacekeeping force,

  • and more contested elections.

  • Then a devastating earthquake which killed

  • hundreds of thousands of Haitians

  • followed by food shortages, an outbreak of cholera,

  • and devastation by hurricanes.

  • In short, the people of Haiti have been dealt

  • the worst hand in the Western hemisphere,

  • but their spirit remains intact.

  • I couldn't wait to get outside

  • and meet these wonderful people.

  • (audience cheers)

  • I just bumped into this gentleman.

  • Your name is?

  • Kenzo.

  • You're very funny.

  • [Conan] Oh, thank you.

  • Yeah mean, I remember watching a clip on YouTube,

  • you and Kevin Hart.

  • And Ice Cube. Oh, yeah, Kevin Hart.

  • Yeah, man, and I like Kevin Hart also.

  • Oh, he's fantastic.

  • He's the other good fellow I prefer.

  • You know, you're much taller than Kevin Hart.

  • Yeah, man, I am.

  • He comes up to here.

  • He comes up to here on you.

  • I watch CNN.

  • Oh, and by the way,

  • on CNN, I used to watch

  • The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer.

  • You know, I love this guy's a fan

  • of mine and Wolf Blitzer.

  • You're the only guy that likes both of us.

  • Most people that like him, don't like me.

  • Hey, how's it going?

  • Hey, I was watching you this morning.

  • How are you?

  • My wife made me watch you, bro.

  • I really appreciate you saying that.

  • Wait, why did you say my wife made me watch you?

  • It shouldn't be that way.

  • That makes it sound like she made you do the dishes.

  • I wouldn't mind if she made me do the dishes as well.

  • It's nice to meet you.

  • What's your name?

  • Nice to meet you, my name is James.

  • James,

  • you love Haiti?

  • I love Haiti.

  • So, okay, let's talk about it.

  • President Trump used some really

  • awful language about Haiti last week.

  • He used the word shithole.

  • What words would you use to describe Haiti?

  • Well, I would describe Haiti as the backyard of America.

  • If it's a shithole,

  • then Trump should check out his backyard.

  • You see what I'm saying?

  • That's fantastic.

  • I haven't heard anyone say that.

  • According to the history of this country,

  • America has had a lot to do

  • with the condition of this country.

  • I mean, it may not be so beautiful.

  • There's trash and garbage a lot of places, but you know,

  • the people of Haiti are

  • brilliant, intelligent people, and loving people,

  • and well-receiving people.

  • Creative and also really funny.

  • Everyone I run into is really funny.

  • Haitian people,

  • I think that's one of their strengths

  • because they make a joke out of everything.

  • You've got a very cool, centered vibe, and I like that.

  • I want to emulate you.

  • Do some yoga.

  • Put some yoga into your life.

  • Yoga?

  • No, no, don't do that, don't do that.

  • Why not, why not?

  • Just sit here with your back straight,

  • and close your eyes.

  • Make sure you're straight, now.

  • Alright, and now just observe

  • your inhalation and your exhalation,

  • and get intimate with yourself, with your breathing.

  • Okay, I'm intimate with myself.

  • (laughs)

  • Just this morning, in fact.

  • (laughs)

  • You are better at foreign policy

  • than the President of the United States right now.

  • What's your full name?

  • My name is James Vergneau.

  • I wish James Vergneau

  • was President of the United States right now.

  • I really wish that was true.

  • That would be wonderful.

  • [Announcer] James Vergneau believes

  • in men washing dishes, clean backyards,

  • and sitting up straight while listening to your breath.

  • Plus, he's been endorsed by self-pleasurer, Conan O'Brien.

  • So please, help make James Vergneau

  • the next President of the United States.

  • My name is James Vergneau, and I approve this message.

  • Apparently, there's a group over here that's really angry.

  • They saw me, they know I'm American,

  • and they see my camera crew.

  • We're being told through our interpreter

  • that when Americans come here,

  • they only shoot the bad things, which obviously,

  • is not what we want to do.

  • Maybe you can tell them the reason I've come to Haiti

  • (speaks in Haitian Creole)

  • is because I and a lot of Americans

  • are angry about what President Trump said.

  • (speaks in Haitian Creole)

  • So I wanted to come here and show positive,

  • great, beautiful things about Haiti.

  • (speaks in Haitian Creole)

  • But I understand why just seeing an American

  • right now with a camera would make people angry.

  • (speaks in Haitian Creole)

  • I actually wrote a speech,

  • tried to write a speech in Creole,

  • but I can't say it very well, about my intentions here.