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  • Jim, we have something to talk about right away,

  • which is two weeks ago. Yeah.

  • You're supposed to appear on the show.

  • But I didn't. And you did not.

  • At the last second, I mean literally, within like

  • I think two and a half, three hours of us taping the show.

  • It was about three hours, but I couldn't come to the show.

  • I had some issues. You had some issues

  • and that never happens, you know.

  • (Jim laughs) No seriously, you're a pro.

  • No, I would have come if I could have come

  • and actually that leads me into this story a lot better.

  • 'Cause yeah, I heard there was a medical thing

  • and I was like, oh my God what happened?

  • There was a medical issue.

  • OK, so the morning before I want meant to be on your show,

  • the night before I was meant to be on your show

  • I was masturbating. (audience laughing)

  • And when I ejac-- Wait a minute, hold it.

  • All the guests do that. Yeah, yeah.

  • When I ejaculated, blood came out and I thought, hmm.

  • That's not good, right? (audience laughing)

  • And then I-- Wait a minute.

  • Just hold on a second, you can't just launch into this.

  • (audience laughing) Just blood shot out.

  • This is horrifying, what do you mean?

  • Like I was Jackson Pollock painting something.

  • It was just blood, blood just shot out

  • of the end of my penis and I remember being concerned,

  • but I had to get up early in the morning to do my show,

  • so I was like, I'd better sleep.

  • Stressful sleep, right?

  • But then when you wake up in the morning you think, just,

  • I have to check if this is going to happen again

  • so I had another wank. (audience laughing)

  • You had another wank, as you call it?

  • That's a hard one to get aroused for

  • knowing that you might have blood coming out

  • of the end of your dick, right?

  • So I did it again, blood again Conan.

  • Twice, right?

  • And then over the course of the day

  • before I was meant to be on the show

  • one of my testicles swelled up

  • into the size of a grapefruit and I thought,

  • best that I don't do Conan's show.

  • 'Cause I couldn't walk.

  • Like, do you ever use those space hoppers?

  • That blow-up balloon that you hold with two ears

  • when you were a kid. Yeah.

  • That's how I looked, but I only had one ear

  • to hold on to. (audience laughing)

  • So you had had an inflated testicle.

  • Inflated's a nice word.

  • An infested testicle. Oh.

  • And so I went to the doctor's, and the doctor said

  • that I probably had an STD, which I thought was weird

  • because I hadn't had sex with anyone for weeks.

  • And so I did a few tests.

  • Now over the course of the last two weeks

  • I've had four doctors' fingers in my ass, right?

  • Not at once, individually. (audience laughing)

  • Individually over several different days.

  • Uh-huh.

  • And it turned out that I just had a prostate infection,

  • but they thought it might be cancer,

  • so I was very stressed out. Oh, so you're fine now.

  • Well no, my testicle's still a little larger

  • than it should be.

  • I've never been fine, you know?

  • I mean like, this whole area looks damaged, right?

  • (audience laughing)

  • I also with the finger...

  • What do you mean, it looks damaged?

  • I mean... I had hemorrhoid surgery

  • about, I'm telling too much here, but why not?

  • (audience laughing) I had hemorrhoid surgery

  • about a year and a half ago and they put me,

  • I had to have like 20 stitches up my colon

  • so what they did was the put me

  • on like a pyramid pillow like that so my ass was in the air

  • and the cut a sheet out and then they put my face.

  • This is a separate thing, by the way.

  • (audience laughing) Then they put my,

  • they put my face into like a massage hole

  • and that's one of the times that you don't want to be famous

  • right, when someone's about to put stitches in your colon

  • and just as the anesthetist put the mask on me,

  • as I was passing out one of the nurses looked down

  • at my face and went, "My brother's a big fan of yours."

  • And just. (Conan and audience laughing)

  • Now what are the chances that she doesn't go back

  • to her brother and go I was looking at Jim Jefferies' colon.

  • Pretty shoddy job. Yeah.

  • OK, so the important thing is you're OK now.

  • Allegedly, I'm waiting on more--

  • Are you taking care of yourself?

  • I mean, why is this all happening to you?

  • I'm on like three courses of antibiotics

  • and the testicle's going down and I have no STDs.

  • I'm like, so clean. (audience cheers and claps)

  • (Conan clapping) If anybody, in fact,

  • I'm on so many antibiotics right now

  • if you have an STD I think I can have sex with you

  • and kill it. (Conan and audience laughing)

  • Just touching me. This is your great line

  • when you go to a bar, it's a great pick-up line.

  • I can cure you.

  • You know, I've been worried about you because this is...

  • (Jim laughing) Yeah.

  • I'm the Marie Curie of the clap.

  • (Conan and audience laughing)

Jim, we have something to talk about right away,

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