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  • >>Russell Peters: I was in Thailand. I know a lot of you

  • have been to Thailand, it's not far from here.

  • I like how a lot of you don't wanna

  • admit you've been to Thailand because...

  • you're fucking perverts that's why!

  • [Laughter]

  • Thailand's great!

  • When I go to countries I've never been to,

  • you what I like to do? I like to experience what they're famous for.

  • Not "ladyboys," you filthy pirates, alright?

  • I was in Bangkok.

  • [Russell laughs sarcastically]

  • You know whats funny about Bangkok?

  • It doesn't matter how old you get,

  • when you hear Bangkok, you'll giggle everytime.

  • 42 years old, I'm like, "Bangkok."

  • [Russell giggles]

  • 'Cause you start thinking about the origin of names, right?

  • You start trying to figure out how they came up with that name.

  • Like, they were having a meeting in Thailand, they were like,

  • [Thai accent] "We need a name for the city."

  • "Ok, quick lunch break, we come back."

  • [Laughter]

  • [Bangs microphone against mic stand]

  • [Shouts in pain]

  • [Laughter]

  • [Thai accent] "What happened?

  • "Ow, I bang cock"

  • [Laughter]

  • [Russell sings a high note]

  • Kinda makes you wonder how they came up with the name,

  • for the island of "Phuket," you know what I mean?

  • "What do you want to call that Island?"

  • "I don't know, fuck it, whatever, just uh--

  • [Laughter]

  • I went to, uh -- When I was in Bangkok I wanted to, uh --

  • I went for a Thai massage.

  • That's what else they're famous for.

  • Just so you guys know,

  • if you go to Thailand, and you want a Thai massage,

  • just say you want a massage.

  • Not a "Thai massage," 'cause

  • they understand that it's already Thailand.

  • [Laughter]

  • But I didn't know. One of my friends was telling me

  • about the Thai massages

  • It's actually customary over there, for the lady giving you the massage to, uh--

  • [Laughter]

  • Not shoot dice. I mean, uh--

  • finish you off!

  • And I was like, "Well, alright!"

  • And I, just out of curiosity, I was like,

  • "Well, why do they do that? Not that I'm opposed to it,

  • I just wanna know why."

  • And he goes, "Oh, 'cause you know,

  • they give you this great massage,

  • and you're relaxed all over your whole body,

  • except for dead center - you're stiff."

  • And then, he was like,

  • "Well when is a man most relaxed?

  • Right after 'pffft' 'ahhh', right?"

  • [Laughter]

  • "And then you add a great massage on to that,

  • and you're just fuckin' Jello, when you leave!"

  • [Laughter]

  • You could tell who's had a massage,

  • everybody walking through the streets of Bangkok--

  • [Girl voice] "Is he hammered?"

  • [Manly voice] "No, he had a great massage."

  • So, I was like, "Alright, I'll try it out."

  • So I went for my massage,

  • and uh, just my luck,

  • I'm not making this up,

  • just my luck, when I was there,

  • they had just passed a law saying,

  • that these women weren't allowed to uh--

  • They were no longer allowed to finish you off, with their hands.

  • They weren't gonna start blowing everybody,

  • it's not that kind of party, you know what I mean?

  • 'Cause even when they do finish you off with their hands,

  • it's not done like, you know,

  • outside of Thailand, like,

  • over here it'll be considered dirty. Your friend's like,

  • [Creep voice] "Hey man, you wanna go to a rub-n-tug?"

  • You know? It's like,

  • it always has that gross undertone to it.

  • Like, you go to a rub-n-tug, and the lady's talking shit to you.

  • [Exaggerated Asian accent] "Oh so big!"

  • And she's taking her time, and you know--

  • Not over there.

  • It has nothing to do with sexuality,

  • it's just like, you know, to relax you.

  • So they've got it down to like 2 pumps.

  • They're like, "Ding ding, get out."

  • You know what I mean, like--

  • They don't care how big, how small,

  • they're like, "Ding ding, get out."

  • You know what I mean, so--

  • [Laughter]

  • So, I'm trying to figure out what's gonna happen

  • when I go for my massage.

  • So I go, "What happens?"

  • He goes, "I don't know, but you're gonna find out."

  • And I go, "Alright."

  • I go, "Will they still finish me off?"

  • "Probably, but I don't know how."

  • I go, "Ok, great!"

  • So, I go for my massage,

  • this cute little Thai lady,

  • she gives me this great massage.

  • Down my back, down my legs,

  • down my feet, up my legs, up my chest,

  • and then she get's to my hog--

  • and I know something's gonna happen, right?

  • But I don't know what, so I just tilt my head back,

  • and relax, right?

  • And I feel a wonderful sensation on my weiner,

  • and I'm thinking maybe she's doing the old,

  • you know, like the elbow crease,

  • I don't know, like--

  • I say "the old," like it's a move, or something, but like--

  • I mean, I've never had a girl go

  • "Ooo, you like that?"

  • I don't know, right? I'm just saying.

  • I'm thinking maybe she's doing it with her feet, which I like, you know what I mean?

  • I like women's feet. That works for me.

  • So, I'm like-- I feel this great sensation, so my curious

  • side wants to see what's happening, so I look up,

  • and I swear to God, she's doing this.

  • [Laughter]

  • She's giving me the best wrist job I've ever had, in my life!

  • Like, I didn't know you could do that, with a wrist!

  • I went back to my hotel room that night, 'cause it felt so good,

  • I thought I'd give it a shot, you know?

  • I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, I'm like, "Alright."

  • [Laughter]

  • Just a note fellas. If you're gonna try this tonight,

  • Take your watch off. That's all I'm saying.

  • [Laughter]

  • Don't be the reason you have a "bang cock"

  • ♪♪

>>Russell Peters: I was in Thailand. I know a lot of you

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