(Ian) SHUT UP!

(video game: jumping and meowing)

This game is so unrealistic!

Nobody with a cat outfit would have cat powers!

How would you know? Have you ever tried it?

Uh, yeah!

Whatever, video games would still suck if they were realistic!

IF VIDEO GAMES WERE REAL 3

PORTAL

(snickering)

Aaaah! I'm such a genius!

MASS EFFECT

Commander Shepard, we have to act fast!

The reapers are coming!

What should we do?

SAVE GALAXY--------BANG HER

We'll bang, okay?

QWOP

(grunting idiotically)

FARMViLLE

(country music)

(sighs)

Okay, seriously. How the f*ck is this a video game?

CALL OF DUTY: GHOSTS

-(rapid gunfire) -(Anthony grunting)

Shoot the bad guys!

(screaming)

BATTLEFIELD 4

-(repetitive gunfire) -KEEP SHOOTING THE BAD GUYS!

NO SHAME!

MEDAL OF HONOR

(screaming) (repetative gunfire)

KILLZONE

(screaming) (repetitive gunfire)

RED FACTION: ARMAGEDDON

FRONTLINE: FUEL OF WAR

OPERATION FLASHPOINT COLD WAR CRISIS

RESISTANCE: BURNING SKIES

FARCRY, DOOM, COUNTERSTRIKE, WOLFENSTEIN, QUAKE

OPERATION ARMA ARROWHEAD, TITANFALL, WII FIT U,

TOM CLANCY'S RAINBOW 6 PATRIOTS

-(screaming) -(rapid gunfire)

Hey! Can we do anything other than just shoot bad guys?

Hmmm...

Nope!

(screaming) (rapid gunfire)

(Ian joins in)

MORTAL KOMBAT

(Scorpion groaning in pain)

(announcer) Finish him!

(grunting)

What're you doing?!

I'm trying to tear your head off,

but it's a lot harder than it looks!

Can you just hurry up? I'm starting to get dizzy!

Okay, sorry bro!

(Sub Zero grunting)

Aw, screw it!

Let's just go look at Kitana's booooobs!

Okay!

(both make lecherous noises)

(Scorpion) Oooh, boobies!

(both groan)

(announcer) Boobtality!

SUPER MEATBOY

(gusts of wind)

SLENDER

(whimper in fear) Why didn't I just wait till daytime

to look for some stupid pages?!

-(twigs break) -(Ian gasps)

(gasps) AAAAAAH!

(high pitched voice) I just wanted to be your friend!!

MINECRAFT

Okay, so our 100 foot recreation

of slave Leia's boobies is almost complete!

All we need now is a daylight sensor!

Okay, but can you tell me how to craft it?

Uhhh, yeah. Lemme just check the Wiki...

Hurry up, it's getting dark!

I don't want this fricking zombie creeps--

Oh, here it is!

Okay, so, uh...we need a wood--

Uh, okay, like what kind of wood?

-Like a stick or a block or a-- -No, it goes across like--

-Yeah, that's called a stick! -No, it's not a stick!

Okay, I know a stick!

YOU KNOW WHAT?! F*CK THIS!!

How to craft girlfriend.

SURGEON SIMULATOR 2013

Dude, what the hell?!

Are you drunk or something?!

Trust me! I'm a surgeon!

[inaudible]

(trails off)

(whirring)

(surgeon grunts)

Okay, just need to make a small incision right--

Oh! Ooh. My bad, bro.

PLANTS VS. ZOMBIES

Time to bust out my secret weapon!

(grunting)

(zombie) Eh?!

-Oh, sh*t! -(zombies grunt angrily)

AAAAAAH! NOOOOO!

-Yeah, I guess-- -That would suck?

How did you know what I was gonna say?!

'Cause you always say the same goddamn thing.

(cellphone goes off)

Oh crap, um...I have to run, dude.

I have choir practice.

Yeah. Okay, dude, we all know "choir practice"

just means going poop in the McDonald's bathroom.

It just feels better, okay?!

(whining)

I'm a grown ass man!

I can McPoop whereever I McWant, McBitch!

-Whoa! -We'll bang, okay?

What?!

We'll bang, okay?

No! No, no! I don't wanna bang, okay?!

No! No! No! Oh...uh...

No way!

(grunts) Ooh!

(grunts) Ha ha! Try to bang me now, biiitch!

(laughs idiotically)

Hah hah, idiot!

Oh...

-We'll bang, okay? -WAAAAAAAH!

This video was made possible by this show's only [inaudible].

Give 'em lots of love, yeah!

(gun shot) We just banged, okay?

Huh. That wasn't so bad!

To see bloopers--

(screaming sans gunfire)

And a deleted Donkey Kong scene--

Eat barrel, Mario!

-(Donkey Kong grunts) -(Mario yells)

Brutally rip the spine out of the video on the left!

To see more If Video Games Were Real episodes--

(neighbor) What?!

Hey, what the hell are you doing with my stuff?!

I'm looking for rupees!

AAH! AAH!

Savagely destroy the video on the right's face.

Oh, look! A subscribe button!

You'd better click it till its...face melts

off and...blood squirts out of...its ears.

And other brutal Mortal Kombat stuff like that.