Right.

So, I arranged a special treat for you.

People of Cortona,

I wish to thank you on behalf of myself,

and my fake Italian friend from Long Island.

Now, the mayor of Cortona, please.

Ah, very good

I now would like to move on to the great honor

that Jordan is going to be given.

A parking space made in his honor.

(scattered applause)

Jordan, please.

(band plays Jordan out as crowd cheers)

We're going to your favorite restaurant,

is that right?

Yes.

We came here because Jordan, pretty much explicitly said,

he's a big deal in this restaurant.

I'm not concerned with having a big deal,

I'm concerned with having a good meal.

It's not all about rank.

You have this insecurity about you,

that you project onto others.

I don't care if I'm a big deal, a little deal,

a medium deal, a neutral deal.

I just want to go eat a good meal,

how many people do I have to know here?

I don't know who you are, I don't know who you are.

(arguments overlapping) are you on cocaine right now?

(laughter)

(Jordan speaking Italian)

Grazie! We have heard that Jordan is a big deal here.

Your picture's up on the wall!

Yes, it's an honor.

Why did you change the wine glasses?

Listen, just listen to me. (audience laughter)

This is my place, this is my experience

that I'm sharing with you, okay?

You may love it, you may hate it.

But, at least you'll know you experienced it my way.

I really don't, this glass is not balanced in the hand.

See, it's like top heavy.

You're scaring me.

This wine is from a few kilometers

from where we sit right now.

Just say miles. We're not metric.

What are you smelling when you smell this wine?

In the same way warmth gives people comfort,

sometimes the chill of the forest gives people comfort.

And I feel like the smell of this wine,

gives me the same feeling.

(laughter)

What do you smell?

You sit there with a judging face

without commenting yourself.

I smell desperation, I smell sadness,

I smell a need to construct a false identity.

(laughter)

Tuscany, as I've mentioned, is a region of meat.

And the meat of this region in particular is the tagliata.

Tagliare is to cut, the tagliata is cut.

It's a sliced steak...

They have a pasta al fumo which has bacon in it,

which I know you like, you're big on bacon.

It's got bacon, it's in this like, creamy tomato sauce.

Ammazzacaffe is the coffee killer. Why?

Coffee keeps you up late at night, the ammazzacaffe,

the after dinner drink, puts you to sleep after the coffee.

Well, I think I'm gonna sleep just fine.

(audience laughter)

Grazie.

Ah, prego, prego! Rastafarian!

I have the music and soul of an Italian person

when I'm here, I just don't have the words.

You know what I mean?

You're clearly not Italian, I mean, look at you.

You know, look at the way you're dressed,

look at your physical condition, I mean there

What does that mean?

I'm saying that there are different body types.

There's an American

Do you think I'm heavy?

I think you're heavier than the average Italian.

Let's just say heavier, not that that's a bad thing.

Maybe you're stronger, maybe it'll keep you warm.

But, I'm saying you're clearly bigger than an Italian man.

You just body shamed me.

You would've thought that your body is perfect?

Not perfect.

I'm not here to insult you.

Well, you're doing a pretty good job.

I haven't insulted you at all, okay?

You look at yourself naked?

I look at myself naked every night,

it's the only way I can actually become erect.

Look, I'm cold, you're comfortable.

You understand? It's not a bad thing!

You're better than I am.

Because, I'm lean and I had a big problem with the coldness.

Yeah, but I'm okay because I'm covered in a

down jacket of fat.

(audience laughs)

Are you aware of all your facial widths over the years?

2002, you were gross.

If I look at a show from 2002, it's almost like,

it looks like you were digitally manipulated.

Like you were a skinny guy playing a fat in the movie.

(audience explodes with laughter)

You look great now, I'm just saying in 2002,

you were disgusting, just look at the tapes.

Ah, perfecto.

(audience laughs and protest)

Mucho bella!

One of the reasons we came to Italy,

is you said there was a dessert named after you.

I look at this menu, no dessert named after you!

What's the dessert's name?

The Dolci di Jordan.

But I don't see it here on the menu. Little confused.

Special in summer.

Special in summer?

Yes.

Can this be the Conan salt?

This is the salt of Conan, sale di Conan.

She doesn't even know that you are Conan,

she does not know who you are, you understand that?

No, she doesn't know who you are.

(both continue to bicker aimlessly)

(audience laughter)