may have been the biggest news in terms of quality,

but when it comes to news quantity,

nobody beats President Trump.

And over the span of the weekend,

Trump made so much news happen

that we don't have the time to cover it all.

Luckily, not enough time is the perfect amount of time

for our recurring segment

Ain't Nobody Got Time for That: Trump Edition.

-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)

All right, let's start with the big news of the day.

Trump is getting tough on Russia.

President Trump ordering the expulsion

of 60 Russian diplomats

the United States has identified as intelligence officers.

Plus, he's closing

the Russian consulate in Seattle.

The White House says the move comes in response

to the nerve agent attack

on a former Russian spy and his daughter in the U.K.

Dozens of Russian diplomats have been expelled.

They will have, by the way,

about one week to get out of this country.

One week?

That's not a lot of time to cram all your poisonings in.

Yeah, I mean, now with this deadline,

Russians are gonna be running around

like perfume salespeople at Macy's.

Just gonna be like, "You're dead. You're dead.

"You're dead. You're dead. You're dead.

Nerve Gas by Kremlin."

(laughter)

You know why Trump probably did this, though, right?

Someone told him. They're like, "Sir, if you sign this,

everyone working for Russia has to leave the U.S."

And he was like, "Yay, I'm free!

Putin, I'm coming home, baby!"

It's like, "No, not you, sir."

"Oh, damn it. Stuck."

Oh, and before he kicked out the Russians,

Trump also got rid of his national security advisor,

H.R. McMaster, and replaced him

with elderly Lorax John Bolton.

Now, for many people, for many people,

Bolton taking over for McMaster is terrifying,

because unlike McMaster,

Bolton is horny for war with North Korea and Iran,

and he's one of the very few people left

who still thinks the Iraq War was a good idea.

Yeah. So, now, w-we could talk

about how Bolton's policies could throw America

into a never-ending spiral of unwinnable wars,

but we don't really have the time,

because thanks to another Trump decision,

America is actually gonna have fewer troops.

President Trump has issued an order

banning transgender people from serving in the military

except under "limited circumstances."

You know, I'm not gonna lie.

I really don't understand this decision.

I mean, if you're looking for brave people

to join the military,

you don't have to look any further than trans people.

Like, you think it takes guts to fight in Syria?

Try being trans and walking into a restroom in Alabama.

That's bravery, my friends. That's bravery.

(cheering and applause)

So, so, in the span of a weekend,

transgender soldiers and Russians are out,

Colonel Mustache is in.

And if that wasn't enough,

Donald Trump kept the government open,

but he wasn't happy about it.

President Trump signing that $1.3 trillion spending bill

after threatening to veto

because his border wall wasn't fully funded

and there was no fix, he said, for DACA.

The president signing what was a monster piece

of legislation, reluctantly.

There are some things that we should have in the bill.

But I say to Congress,

I will never sign another bill like this again.

I'm not gonna do it again.

Aw. Sucks when people make you do something

you don't want to do, Donald. Aw.

It's funny how Trump sold himself as the best dealmaker

of all time, but he's being forced

to sign a deal that he doesn't like.

Yeah, and his big threat is that he won't do it again.

Yeah. I guess that's the kind of negotiating

that left him stuck with Eric and Don Jr. in the divorce.

Is that what happened?

"All right, fine. I'll take those little weirdos this time,

but, next divorce, I'm standing my ground!"

Now, unfortunately, we don't have the time

to talk about how Trump promised to cut the deficit

but instead has spent money like Lil Wayne

at an out-of-network dentist,

because the Trump news that's been swallowing everything

this weekend happened when the star of your sex dreams

sat down with Stormy Daniels

to discuss her alleged affair with Donald Trump.

And, my friends, it was creepy.

-You had sex with him? -Yes.

It started off, uh, all about him.

Just talking about himself. And he's like, uh,

"Have you seen my new magazine?"

And I was like, "Someone should take that magazine

and spank you with it." And I was like,

"Turn around. Drop 'em."

And I just gave him a couple swats.

This was done in a j-joking manner?

Yes. And, uh, from that moment on,

he was a completely different person.

-How so? -He quit talking about himself

and he asked me things and I asked him things

and it just became, like, you know, more appropriate.

Ew.

Donald Trump likes to be spanked?

I did not need to know that.

And you know what makes it weirder is that,

when he's spanked, he becomes a nice guy and starts opening up.

You know Bob Mueller is watching this interview, right?

You know that. And now he's gonna walk

into the interrogation room with a rolled-up magazine,

like, "Okay, Donald, time to talk about Russia."

(cheering and applause)

Donald's gonna be like, "It started with-- ow--

"a meeting-- ow--

"at Trump Tow-- ow!

I've been a bad boy."