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  • You're not dating anyone right now.

  • No.

  • I mean, I don't know how to date.

  • You don't know how to date?

  • How old are you?

  • 23.

  • 23.

  • I'm almost 24, though, guys.

  • OK, almost 24 —

  • 23 and 3/4.

  • OK, and you haven't really dated yet?

  • Well, that makes me sound... that makes me sound like

  • I've never...

  • Well, have you?

  • I don't date.

  • OK.

  • I'm not into the whole, let's go out for dinner.

  • Yeah, so...

  • See, I don't even know how to talk about it.

  • Yeah, well... but what if somebody said,

  • let's go out to dinner.

  • I wouldn't know what to do.

  • You'd say "yes" or "no" is what you do.

  • Ask me out on a date.

  • No, I'm married.

  • I'm not going to ask you...

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • No, I know.

  • But it's not real.

  • It's not real.

  • I won't.

  • OK, I'll ask.

  • This is how uncomfortable I would make someone.

  • All right, I'll do it.

  • Hey, do you want to have dinner sometime?

  • No, you're married, Ellen.

  • You set that up.

  • I'm going to tell Portia.

  • All right, all right.

  • So let's find you someone.

  • Great.

  • Because at some point, you're going to have to date.

  • You're beautiful, and you're funny, and you're smart,

  • and you're...

  • Are you asking me on a date right now?

  • I am married.

  • Now stop it.

  • OK.

  • So we're going to find you somebody,

  • because you have to at least know what your type is.

  • Or at least, I have to know so I can help you.

  • So let's play Who'd You Rather?

  • And we're going to put up two faces.

  • And you're going to pick, OK?

  • Yeah.

  • And you have to be honest.

  • Will I look here or here?

  • No, here.

  • You can look straight ahead.

  • So let's put up the first two, and you're going to honestly say.

  • Timothee or Colin?

  • I know both of those people.

  • They're both friends.

  • It doesn't matter if you know them.

  • Play the game.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Colin's way older than Timmy.

  • Yes, he is.

  • Colin's way old... so Timmy.

  • So Timmy, all right.

  • Timmy or Harry?

  • Oh, that's tough.

  • I know.

  • That is tough.

  • It's a fun game.

  • Harry's very good in Dunkirk, I have to say.

  • Yeah, he's very talented.

  • See, I don't know Harry Styles.

  • I don't know what he's like.

  • Well, he's... let me tell you what...

  • You like him, don't you?

  • I like him and I know him.

  • And he's very funny and very smart as well.

  • Let me stick with Timmy, because even if it's just

  • a platonic relationship, I think we can have

  • a nice companionship together.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • You know what I mean?

  • Like, we're very compatible as companions.

  • And I don't know... and Harry's on the road a lot, and...

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • you know, it's very stressful being with someone on tour.

  • You're so bad at this game.

  • OK, really, you're not going to ever date.

  • Let's see, Timothee

  • They're basically all...

  • or Jamie?

  • Again, I don't know.

  • I know that you're all like, oh, you've got to pick Jamie.

  • Well, they're into Jamie.

  • Jamie's married.

  • Yes, he is.

  • This is a pretend game.

  • It's not really going to happen.

  • Do you want me to pick Jamie just so we change Timmy's?

  • Let's do that.

  • Let's pick Jamie, yeah.

  • OK, Jamie or Ed Sheeran?

  • See what happens?

  • Ed, again, is a pal.

  • Yeah, and isn't he great?

  • And he got... he's great, but he's got...

  • And he's got a girlfriend.

  • Yeah, he's wonderful.

  • So I'm going to...

  • Yeah.

  • Let's go to Ed.

  • OK, we're going with Ed.

  • All right, let's go to Ed.

  • Daniel Radcliffe.

  • Oh, well, this is different now.

  • Oh.

  • Well, because when I was young, I grew up with Harry Potter,

  • and so...

  • So him.

  • Daniel... Harry Potter was who I thought I'd end up with.

  • OK, so we'll go to Daniel.

  • Harry Potter specifically, not Daniel Radcliffe.

  • Oh.

  • You would pick Harry?

  • I've had a... yeah, I would pick Harry Potter

  • over Daniel Radcliffe.

  • He'd have to stay in character the whole time.

  • Yeah.

  • OK.

  • Maybe he does.

  • We don't know him.

  • All right, so Daniel or Kendrick Lamar?

  • Oh, I love Kendrick.

  • All right, Kendrick?

  • I love Kendrick.

  • OK, Kendrick Lamar or Drake?

  • Drake.

  • Drake.

  • Now look.

  • Oh, that's Zack from Saved by the Bell.

  • Yeah.

  • Zack!

  • You're going to go to Zack from Drake?

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • Wow, OK.

  • Orlando Bloom.

  • I think you're going to stay with...

  • Zack.

  • I'm calling him Zack.

  • I know, it's... there's Zack or Zac.

  • Which Zack now?

  • I reckon Zac Efron would be fun on a night out.

  • And he can sing and dance and stuff.

  • So I think, again, he would be a fun companion to have.

  • Right.

  • So Zac Efron.

  • So you really, really think these things through.

  • OK, so Zac or Jake Gyllenhaal?

  • Jake Gyllenhaal.

  • We'll go with Jake Gyllenhaal.

  • Wow, that was quick.

  • You just said how...

  • Well, cause we could quick and mix it up a bit.

  • You said how fun Zac...

  • This game has gone on for so long.

  • Well, we're not bored yet.

  • OK, so Jake or Chris Martin?

  • Chris Martin.

  • Chris Martin is a wonderful performer.

  • Yes.

  • And he's a great performer.

  • I think him and the band work very well together.

  • He'd write a song about me.

  • Yeah.

  • If things went well, I like the idea

  • that he'd write a song, so Chris, probably.

  • OK.

  • Christopher.

  • I feel like I'm talking to a 70-year-old woman.

  • I feel like...

  • I'm literally... I say all the time I'm like a 45-year-old...

  • You are.

  • I almost said 45, but...

  • Yeah, you went up.

  • I went up from there.

  • Chris or Chance?

  • (SINGING) All night.

  • I've been drinking all night.

  • I've been drinking.

  • Probably... just because I love that song.

  • Yeah.

  • All right, Chance or Bruno?

  • Bruno, definitely.

  • All right.

  • Just that fast, Bruno.

  • There's a few that are instant for me, for sure.

  • Yeah, I understand.

  • Bruno or...

  • Like a gut reaction.

  • Oh, it's...

  • Oh, I ended with Bruno?

  • It was like that.

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • That was a long game.

  • All right.

  • That was very long.

  • All right, Bruno, come on out.

  • No, but what if we had him ready?

  • That would...

  • Imagine if you had all of them backstage.

  • Yeah, and they were waiting to see.

  • Just waiting to see who got picked.

  • Yep, just lined up.

  • We have a camera just panning.

  • That'd be so awful.

  • Yeah.

  • No, he's not here, but he will be.

  • I'm going to... but he's got a girlfriend also.

  • Again, companionship is fine.

  • Even just a friendship I'm fine with.

  • Even if we just like email, we have a correspondence.

  • OK, well, we'll get that happening.

  • They're all aw'ing me.

  • I know.

  • They're like taking pity on me in the audience.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • They're not taking pity.

  • They don't understand you.

  • The "aw" was, aw, who is she?

  • What is going on in her head?

  • What decade does she live in?

  • Lady Bird is a fantastic movie.

  • You should go see it.

  • It's in theaters now.

You're not dating anyone right now.

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