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  • CHILD: Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert,

  • my name is Petrunyik Vlastominitz.

  • I thank you so much for being my foster parent.

  • Life in Elbonia has become so much better

  • since you began sending your 87 cents a week.

  • I now have a shoe,

  • and my vision has returned

  • to look upon the beautiful mud of my homeland.

  • Hopefully, one day you can visit me when the--

  • check one--

  • flood, famine, volcanic eruption, plague,

  • or war has/have ended.

  • Love, Petru.

  • Petru, your food problem may be over sooner than you think.

  • I'll start with a cup of coffee.

  • You're going to have

  • to make your own breakfast today.

  • I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant

  • that could end world hunger forever.

  • Mm-hmm, that's fascinating.

  • I'll have two fried strips of the new thing

  • with hash browns and coffee.

  • Do you think banging you mug is going to work?

  • This is not a diner.

  • Okay, go back to becoming famous with your new food invention.

  • I'm not doing this to become famous,

  • though I admit that may be

  • an unavoidable consequence

  • of coming up with the greatest improvement

  • in food production since Squanto.

  • "Squanto"?

  • He showed the pilgrims that

  • if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds,

  • it fertilizes the plant.

  • How do you know Squanto

  • wasn't trying to grow a fish tree?

  • Maybe he was too lazy to dig his own hole.

  • Dogbert, what I'm working on here may once and for all

  • put the lie to the Malthusian imperative

  • and save humanity

  • from the grim prospect of a foodless future.

  • Put the what to who and save who from what?

  • What I've come up with is a nutritious hybrid

  • that will feed millions of people for pennies a day.

  • Do you want to see it?

  • Only if it goes good with jelly.

  • I inserted the DNA

  • from a prize-winning Norwegian cow

  • into the nucleus of a tomato seed.

  • Then I made it rectangular

  • so you can stack them more efficiently.

  • Part meat, part tomato.

  • I call it the tomeato.

  • Do you want to be the first to eat it?

  • That depends on the alternatives.

  • Is it too late

  • to dig up Squanto's fish?

  • Maybe we should test it on someone expendable first.

  • Ratbert.

  • Breakfast.

  • Hey, where's yours?

  • We thought you should eat first for once.

  • Now this is more like it.

  • You're finally treating like a member of the family.

  • [BELCHES]

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Comments, people?

  • This is perhaps the most revolting food item

  • I have ever encountered.

  • It actually frightens me.

  • It's so unappealing on so many levels

  • it's hard to know what to criticize first.

  • It's like Wally,

  • except small enough to flush down the toilet.

  • Thank God for my oversized head.

  • I think it's creepy!

  • Is it alive?

  • If you tried to put this thing on the market,

  • you'd be out of business in a week.

  • Now that is definitely...

  • Not what we're looking for.

  • Wait a minute.

  • You're going to dismiss the tomeato

  • because it's unattractive?

  • Sound reasoning from my perch, Dilby.

  • But it's a perfect food source for third-world countries.

  • It contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary

  • to sustain an adult.

  • It grows anywhere. It doesn't need refrigeration.

  • Two words, Dilby.

  • Ug-ly.

  • What does that have to do with anything?

  • I know for a fact that there's a market for this.

  • No offense, Dilweed,

  • but what you engineers know about marketing

  • could fit inside the very small opening

  • on a very small thing.

  • Well put.

  • What about Elbonia?

  • There's a famine in Elbonia.

  • Until CNN has a name for it, like "famine in Elbonia"

  • it's not really happening.

  • Who are we to impose

  • our way of life upon another culture?

  • I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat.

  • Suppose we discovered

  • an entire nation of supermodels? What then?

  • That is the dumbest hypothetical question

  • I have ever heard.

  • People always say that

  • when I'm winning the argument.

  • If I could interrupt here--

  • And I know I can--

  • I'm hearing some good news here

  • for the old torpedo.

  • Tomeato.

  • Whoa. Easy, Norbert.

  • Now this Elbonia.

  • It's not in America, right?

  • Your guess is as good as mine...

  • possibly better

  • because I try to make all my guesses rhyme.

  • Anyway we could grow these crapberries in Elbonia,

  • then bring them back

  • as an exotic import specialty food.

  • You know, the kind you give to other people

  • when you can't think of a real gift.

  • Hmm. a basket of Norwegian sour meats.

  • I don't see why

  • I have to go down to accounting

  • to increase the travel budget

  • just for a trip to Elbonia.

  • I know it seems like a form

  • of arbitrary punishment.

  • But?

  • But what?

  • [SCREAMING]

  • Uh, who do I speak to

  • about increasing my travel budget?

  • Travel budget?

  • Travel budget?

  • Who do you think you are?

  • I think I'm someone traveling to Elbonia on business.

  • Do you have any proof?

  • Proof?

  • Since when do we need proof to do our jobs?

  • Do you think we just give out money

  • to anyone who asks for it?

  • Do I look like Santa Claus to you?

  • No, you look like some sort of hideous creature.

  • Thank you, because that's the look I'm going for.

  • What if I just go on the trip

  • and then submit carefully documented receipts

  • when I return?

  • And what if you never return?

  • I'll leave explicit instructions

  • for the executor of my will to file my receipts.

  • Very well.

  • Sign here.

  • I approve your request to use your personal airline miles

  • to pay for this trip.

  • What?

  • You really should read the fine print.

  • It's nice having visitors.

  • So, where's all the famine?

  • Let's ask.

  • Excuse me.

  • Can you direct us

  • to the famine-stricken parts of Elbonia?

  • What is famine?

  • The food shortages,

  • the hunger crisis.

  • I don't know what you're talking about.

  • We have no hunger here.

  • I myself ate four meals already today.

  • Yes, of mud.

  • Have you tasted it?

  • No thanks.

  • Hey, chocolate.

  • Not just chocolate.

  • Nutritious, non-fattening, and obviously abundant.

  • Maybe this was a mistake.

  • They're eating mud, Wally.

  • Mud.

  • Obviously, they're in denial.

  • Um, can you tell me

  • where this picture was taken?

  • Yes, that is Petrunyik Vlastominitz,

  • the richest man in Elbonia.

  • His mansion is one mile in that direction.

  • I think you're confused.

  • This is my foster child.

  • I send him 87 cents a week.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Yeah, you and about a billion other people.

  • [CONTINUES LAUGHING]

  • Isn't that a sight, Wally?

  • The muddy plains of Elbonia being transformed

  • into vibrant fields of tomeatoes.

  • Yeah, great.

  • Can we go back to the hotel?

  • I don't feel like I'm on a business trip

  • until I pocket the little shampoos.

  • WALLY: Hey, check it out.

  • It's a cornucopia.

  • Salads, soups, meat, fish, poultry.

  • Look at the footnote.

  • It says all food is made out of Elbonian mud.

  • I'm not a fussy eater like you.

  • NEWSCASTER: And in a late-breaking story,

  • another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians

  • decided to leave the country today.

  • Since there is no difference

  • between ethnic and non-ethnic Elbonians,

  • we have no idea why.

  • What else is on?

  • Let's see.

  • MAN: And welcome back

  • to Elbonian Monday night football.

  • Here's the opening kickoff.

  • And that's the game.

  • Final score: Elbonian Molemen: zero

  • Elbonian Chickenhawks: zero.

  • That was exciting.

  • I had money on that game.

  • Coming up next: ELBONIAN BAYWATCH.

  • WALLY: Dilbert, would you mind leaving for a little while?

  • I have trouble watching Baywatch

  • with someone else in the room.

  • [LOUD CRACKLING]

  • Did you hear that?

  • Yeah.

  • You really ought to stretch more.

  • Wow, that was fast.

  • Experts are holding the tomeato responsible

  • for plunging Elbonia into the worst famine ever.

  • It's the tomeatoes' fault.

  • It's a freak of nature.

  • Meat and fruit; whoever heard of such a thing?

  • It has sucked all the nutritional value

  • out of our delicious Elbonian mud.

  • Now it tastes like mud!

  • It's inedible!

  • It smells bad!

  • Although, I do admit, it stacks nicely.

  • TV ANNOUNCER: The Elbonian exodus has begun

  • as hungry Elbonians seek refuge in neighboring countries

  • while starving Elbonians who remain

  • are resorting to desperate measures.

  • This is the most delicious hotel

  • I've ever eaten.

  • We've got to find poor little Petrunyik.

  • He must be so frightened and helpless.

  • Do you know where this picture was taken?

  • [CHUCKLING]

  • Tourists.

  • Yeah, you got five minutes.

  • What do you want?

  • First of all, you lied to me.

  • I thought you were a starving child,

  • not an Elbonian fat cat.

  • Although, I must admit you've done an excellent job

  • investing my 87 cents per week.

  • Thank you.

  • Second, I came here to help Elbonia

  • with the advent of the tomeato crop,

  • but it hasn't worked out that way.

  • Instead of stabilizing an unstable country,

  • I've destabilized a stable one.

  • So, like, just the opposite?

  • Yes.

  • So what do you want me to do about it besides laugh?

  • Well, admittedly, the tomeato tastes like wet suede,

  • but it looks good and stacks well.

  • So?

  • Well, as a food product, it's a total loser.

  • But think about it--

  • the tomeato would make a great lightweight building material.

  • You could rebuild the infrastructure,

  • create employment, encourage trade,

  • and jump-start the economy.

  • But the tomeato isn't a building material.

  • Let me taste it.

  • Blah!

  • It is now.

  • How much is this going to cost me?

  • You can underwrite the entire reconstruction

  • for $1.35.

  • So then I convinced Petrunyik

  • that the tomeato could be profitable

  • as a building material.

  • Good work, Wally.

  • When you get back,

  • remind me which one you are.

  • You got it.

  • And remind me why you went over there

  • and what you did.

  • I will.

  • And, while you're at it,

  • maybe you can tell me who the hell I am.

  • I'll see what I can do.

  • Will I get some sort of non-monetary award?

  • I'll see what we have in the lost-and-found.

  • You owe me big time.

  • Gee, I wonder if these tomeatoes

  • have been kept in a temperature-controlled warehouse.

  • Why?

  • Have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun?

  • Those tomeatoes are now half-rancid meat,

  • and there's always the issue

  • of the inherent fertilizer that I added.

  • What are you saying?

  • BOSS: It gives me great pleasure,

  • nothing disgusting or obscene in any way,

  • but great pleasure nonetheless,

  • to present Wally with this non-monetary award.

  • Don't put it on, Wally.

  • Remember if the glove fits, you must quit.

  • Am I the only one here

  • who sees the logic of that?

  • I'm not going to wear it, Asok.

  • I'm putting it in my awards trophy case

  • with the tube sock and the...

  • Oh, I guess it's just the two things.

  • It is my dream that some day

  • I will win something from the lost-and-found box.

  • I've got my eye on a little black comb.

  • Calm down, everyone.

  • There are enough non-monetary incentives

  • for all of you.

  • Hey, I'm missing a glove!

  • [HUMMING]

  • Do you think this is too ostentatious?

  • I mean, it's a lot for one person.

  • It's fine.

  • Look, we have to do something about Elbonia.

  • I don't know.

  • If I win another award,

  • I'm afraid I'll lose my ability

  • to relate to the little people.

  • Wally, I...

  • Uh-oh... it's happening already.

  • I can't relate to you.

  • TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,

  • Elbonian strongman

  • Petrunyik Vlastominitz

  • has successfully used the threat

  • of deploying long-range tomeato-based weapons,

  • including the tomeato bomb,

  • to extort neighboring countries just for kicks,

  • managing to jump-start the once-robust economy

  • of nascent superpower Elbonia.

  • Uh-oh.

  • Didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one, Oppenheimer?

  • No, I didn't.

  • Nice job.

  • It's not exactly what I had in mind.

  • Oh, yes, it is.

  • You wanted to end hunger in Elbonia with tomeatoes.

  • Now that they're being used as weapons, you will.

  • Congratulations.

  • I think you're a strong candidate

  • for the congressional used handkerchief of honor.

  • If we could only get them to eat the tomeato

  • rather than use it as a weapon.

  • You are a dreamer.

  • People of Elbonia,

  • we must cease using the tomeato as a weapon.

  • Perhaps you misunderstood me.

  • I said the tomeato was not designed

  • and should not be used as a weapon.

  • Did you say the tomeato should not BE USED AS WEAPON?

  • Yes.

  • I think we need backup.

  • Drop the Dilmom.

  • Repeat, drop the Dilmom.

  • [WOMAN SCREAMING]

  • What can my mom do?

  • Uh, who has the longest track record in the world

  • for making people eat things that taste like crap?

  • Good thinking.

  • TV ANNOUNCER: It's time for COOKING WITH DILMOM.

  • Here's your host, Dilmom.

  • Today, we will prepare the succulent tomeato.

  • I know, I know, it tastes like crap, but hear me out.

  • A common error people make in the preparation of the tomeato

  • is in treating it like a vegetable

  • instead of what it is:

  • half meat, half tomato,

  • which, incidentally, is a fruit, not a vegetable.

  • As with any meat,

  • you have to thoroughly disguise it

  • before anyone will want to eat it.

  • First, you slice it,

  • then you burn it over a fire

  • until you can't tell what it was originally.

  • What about the taste?

  • The taste comes from the seasonings.

  • Does anyone have ketchup?

  • It is delicious.

  • It tastes like ketchup.

  • This is very impressive,

  • but our Elbonian mud hasn't been the same

  • since Dilbert rendered it inedible

  • with his agricultural boondoggle.

  • That wouldn't be the first time.

  • Does anyone have any vanilla bean extract?

  • Uh-oh!

  • Try it.

  • It is delicious.

  • Let us lay down our tomeatoes of mass destruction

  • and lift up our tomeatoes of peace and plenty

  • and return ourselves to the backward

  • and inconsequential country we once were.

  • [ALL CHEERING]

  • It worked.

  • Yes, I suppose you're off the hook.

  • Instead of being known

  • as the father of the tomeato bomb,

  • you'll return to your former status

  • as an anonymous cubicle dweller.

  • I'll take it.

  • She still has the magic.

  • I remember one time,

  • she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-doh.

  • That wasn't her. That was me.

  • No. I remember distinctly.

  • She called from the pay phone

  • and said dinner would be late,

  • so I should start in on the Play-doh.

  • Did it sound like this?

  • [IMITATING DILMOM]: Dilbert, I'll be home late.

  • Why don't you see

  • how much Play-doh you can eat.

  • [GROANS]

  • As luck would have it,

  • we found another glove to give out

  • as a non-monetary award.

  • This one goes to Loud Howard.

  • Oh, yes!

  • That glove will go perfectly

  • with my other-- oh...

  • And last but not least, yet far from most,

  • somewhere in the lower-middle range,

  • we have for Dilbert,

  • a lovely baggie that once held a sandwich.

  • Thank you.

  • You know, it's funny.

  • On the inside of my trophy case,

  • a sock and a glove,

  • while on the outside,

  • this rag, destined to clean the dust

  • from the other objects.

  • There's such a fine line

  • between dust rag and valuable trophy.

  • At least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot.

  • Are you saying your one non-monetary award

  • is better than my two non-monetary awards?

  • No, I'm not saying that.

  • Good.

  • I'm saying it's better than the sock.

  • You take that back.

  • Those darn non-monetary incentives

  • really get their energy up.

  • I must remember to give one to myself.

  • This came for you.

  • [music]

CHILD: Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert,

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