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  • Somewhere between the awful Suicide Squad, and the excellent Wonder Woman, a new DC movie

  • will get it sorta down the middle, but when the best comic book characters EVER unite for a film that's just okay...

  • YOU BLEW IT. AGAIN.

  • AHH

  • How does this keep happening???

  • In the midst of a production beset by tragedy,

  • Warner Brothers bravely forged ahead so executives could keep their bonuses.

  • Mixing Zack Snyder's trademark gloom with the optimism of Joss Whedon,

  • and the priorities of Brett Ratner's production company.

  • "Oof, you're gorgeous"

  • that results in its own signature blend, of orange.

  • Lots and lots of orange.

  • Man, I wish they'd release the Snyder cut.

  • Also, man, I wish the Snyder cut wasn't a made-up fanboy pipe dream.

  • Witness a film that looks like it's being rendered right before your eyes,

  • where this CGI villain steals these CGI boxes from their CGI hiding places

  • Uniting these CGI heroes in a big CGI fight on a CGI

  • battlefield until this CGI hero merges with this CGI box while this CGI villain gets punched in the mouth

  • by the hero with a mouth made out of CGI.

  • "Yes, ma'am"

  • Ughh

  • That just looks... wrong.

  • Meet the Justice League: a bunch of sad losers

  • "I wanna be left alone"

  • - "If you stay up here brooding..." - "I'm processing"

  • "You know I wouldn't count on the tribes of men."

  • "I need... friends."

  • Who occasionally make jokes now.

  • "Dostoyevsky!"

  • There's Wonder Woman, the three-dimensional hero turned into girl hung up on her ex.

  • "I lost someone I loved"

  • "I once knew a man who would have loved to fly it"

  • "When it's your fault, they're all Steve Trevor."

  • Broseidon, King of the Brocean.

  • "My man!"

  • Cyborg, who's... there?

  • "Booyah."

  • Spider-Man, who in this movie goes by The Flash.

  • Superman, eh, agh, uh

  • God, mouth is so distracting!

  • Poor Henry Cavill worked out for months for this role,

  • but all I can look at his weird fake baby mouth.

  • They really couldn't just shave his mustache? Or grow a beard?

  • Or, you know, delay the movie?

  • And of course the Batman.

  • He may not be that tough,

  • Or that smart.

  • "So your genius move is dying?"

  • Or that careful with his secret identity.

  • "Just like a Bat"

  • "You're outta your mind, Bruce Wayne!"

  • "Bruce Wayne"

  • "You're The Batman?"

  • "That's the Bat-signal! That's your... oh shit, sorry. That's your signal"

  • But, wait, there's no but?

  • That's a shame. He was the best part of the last one.

  • Prepare for the arrival of Steppenwolf,

  • DC's scariest horn-helmeted minor God villain with the giant bladed weapon since the movie

  • right before this one. He's got a generic look, a generic motivation,

  • "He lived only to conquer"

  • And super generic dialogue.

  • "Find the last one!"

  • "Its power will cleanse this world"

  • "You're all too weak to (some generic villain talk)"

  • "I am, the end of worlds!!"

  • But no characters since Buster Bluth has ever been this much of a mother lover.

  • "Mother"

  • "I know, mother"

  • "Praise to the mother"

  • "I see, mother"

  • - "What the hell is that?" - "These are my awards, mother"

  • "From army"

  • How was it possible they ripped off EVERYTHING from the Avengers EXCEPT the good villain?

  • Come on, Joss. It's not stealing if you do it from yourself.

  • After all the intricate plotting of Batman v Superman,

  • check out a sequel that says:

  • Whoops, never mind.

  • Pretending Batman knew Clark Kent for more than 15 minutes,

  • "Our team needs Clark"

  • "pretending the world didn't hate Superman before he died, "

  • "So much bitterness,

  • of course I think it's all because he's gone."

  • and pretending that bizarre Flash nightmare sequence never happened.

  • "TOO SOON, you have to find us!!!"

  • I mean, that was clearly meant for when this movie was gonna be a two-parter, right?

  • So where the Avengers felt like the end of the beginning for the MCU,

  • Experience DC's big team up movie that, just kind of feels like the end.

  • Where they emptied out their easter egg cupboard,

  • united all their biggest superheroes,

  • and tried everything they could to make it look like they still cared.

  • - "You know you can't do this forever." - "I can barely do it now."

  • It's a shame, too.

  • They were just starting to take some real steps toward heroism.

  • "Save one."

  • "One?"

  • "Save one person."

  • Okay, baby steps.

  • "We might not have thought this through."

  • "I know, mother"

  • "Care for a glass of (insert beverage brand here)?"

  • Aquaman consumed by water,

  • Cyborg as a human in a letterman jacket,

  • the "I didn't think you were real" scene,

  • - "Didn't think you were real." - "I'm real when it's useful."

  • Cyborg fighting a tank and talking to a cop,

  • "You should probably move"

  • Flash fighting a parademon,

  • Cyborg is a human playing football,

  • the original blue color palette end sequence,

  • Bruce looking at holographic Superman,

  • Barry breaking glass,

  • Alfred talking to a mysterious visitor,

  • "You said you'd come."

  • and Lois and Clark discussing their engagement.

  • "I'll take that as a yes"

  • "What?"

  • So, uhhh,

  • Why does everyone in this movie have super smelling?

  • "Fear, I could smell it."

  • "The demons must have caught the scent of the Mother Box"

  • "His scent is on you"

  • "You, could smell a story"

  • "Recognize that smell?"

  • "You smell good"

  • "Did I not before?"

Somewhere between the awful Suicide Squad, and the excellent Wonder Woman, a new DC movie

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