Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles In this episode of SCIENTIFIC TRUTH JOURNAL we'll explore the theory of evolution and we'll implicitly mock the people who hold opposing viewpoints. Hmm. Evolution-- What a crock. Can we change it, please? Evolution is a scientific fact, unless you're ignorant. If it's a fact, why is it called a theory? There are scientific reasons. It's all very complicated. Give me one good argument for evolution. First of all, the only alternative is unthinkable. It's raining toads. Maybe I should say the only alternative is unproven. Is that your whole argument? No. There... there's extensive fossil records. ...extensive fossil records including this definitive find on the African subcontinent. [GASPS] It's a skull fragment of our earliest ancestors. I have found the missing link! Look! The rest of the skull. Oops. I'll grant you that some of the evidence is inconclusive, but when you put it all together... Thanks to advanced computer graphics... and clay... we have recreated the missing link. Now, this would be a good time for you to renounce your irrational belief in evolution and change the channel. I'd like to hear your THEORY. My theory is that all the species that ever existed are still around. They're just hiding. That's ridiculous. Hey, guys. BOTH: Hi, Bob. Oh, finally. [EXPLOSION] [music] [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] Who moved my pencil sharpener? Oh, no. Those are not my shavings. Who adjusted my monitor? Who fondled my mouse?! Who had the unmitigated gall To soil my mouse with their grubby paws?! [GRUNTING] Hey, shut up in here. Some of us are trying to work. Hypothetically. My cubicle's been defiled. Someone's been in here. Did they take anything? I don't think so, but... ah! Is that a yes? Someone's been accessing the internet with my computer. I'm no psychologist, but I think Dilbert is suffering from manic-depressive episodes coupled with an acute delusional paranoia. If you're not a psychologist, then how can you say that? I'm entitled to my opinion. Wally? Yes? Were you using my cubicle? I barely use my own cubicle. Alice? Please. Your cubicle is a hotbed for cooties. You can get fired for using the internet for personal stuff. You're in big trouble. How many personal web sites have you accessed? I haven't accessed any! So YOU say. Ew! I touched your mouse. Ew! Ew! What the hell am I thinking? Look at those web sites on the history log. I've never heard of any of them. "Elf Hooters. "Naked Troll Booty. Little People, Huge--" Ow! What was I thinking? Someone's into hard-core leprechaun porn, big time. Dilbert! You disgust me. It wasn't me. [MAN HUMMING] Boss alert. Am I interrupting anything important? We've never done anything important. Well, before you do, I need the three of you to attend a meeting with the vendor who sells us the Dullie dry erase markers for the white boards. Why? Just because they asked for a meeting? Right. I said I'd go and I realized I'd have to have some technical support. Technical support? For marker pens? Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your voice? [SARCASTICALLY] No. I didn't think so. You don't know where these conversations can end up. You start with dry erase markers next thing you know You're talking about... Oh, I don't know. Something very technical? Exactly. See? Wally knows. I know it's a meeting with outside vendors. And that means free food, and quality not those stale chips and the black guacamole. What color is guacamole supposed to be? All right, all right, what time? Check with your secretary. I don't have a secretary. Oh, too bad. They're really quite great. [HUMMING ] Hey, here's a strange coincidence. Another web site that's been surfed. The Dullie dry erase marker web site. Someone around here is into a weird scene. Says the woman who collects unicorn art. [COMPUTER DINGS] E-mail. Busted. Someone's going down. Someone's going to take the fall. Someone's going to... Wally, shut up. You'll be okay if you just stick with the story you told us. It's not a story. Hey, that's good. That look of indignation really sells it. Do you have an appointment? You called me. Excuse me? I said... Answer my question. I did. I did. I see. Still want to play games? Me? Yes, you. What do you want with me? Sign the papers. I can't see them. Oh, poor you. It's just a simple confession. Standard procedure in the human resources department. "Using the internet for personal business. "Pilfering dry erase markers. Kidnapping the Lindbergh baby"? "Shooting Larry Flynt"? Wait a minute. I'm not signing this. Oh, yes, you are. I make a fortune at autograph shows. Hey, wait a minute. I didn't do any of these things. You should have thought of that before I forged your confession. Thanks for playing. Now, go away. CATBERT: Attention! Attention! Dilbert has signed the confession. You may treat him like a pariah. That is all. Also, outside vendor meeting in conference room. Come on, Dilbert. We know a short cut to the meeting. Where are we? In the Jeffries Tube? It's the air conditioning duct. Oh. That's a disappointment. We're close to the conference room. I smell free lunch meat. [SNIFFING] And if I'm not mistaken, cantaloupe. Why would someone leave a dry erase marker here? Maybe it's empty. That answer is, like, so stupid. WALLY: Never mind that. We're here. Food, glorious... [ALL SCREAMING] ALICE: Oh, my lord. DILBERT: Picked clean. This can't be happening. We're the only ones who knew the shortcut. Wally, pull yourself together. Put the feedbag on, boys! [GASPING] The food! It's gone! All the food! It's gone! It's all gone! Gone! The food! It's all gone! [CRYING] Why? Why couldn't you share? It wasn't me. Ask Dilbert. Wally didn't eat anything. I can vouch for him. Then maybe it was Dilbert. Tell him, Wally. Tell him what happened. I wasn't with him the whole time. Wally! You wouldn't want me to lie, would you? He's a pig! He ate our food! String him up! Hang Dilbert! Get a rope! Back down! None of us ate it. It was like this when we got here. How do we know it wasn't you, ALICE? CROWD: Yeah! Yeah! I can prove it! Look here... Any more questions? Sixty-seven, 68... Okay, you see, yesterday I had 273 staples in here Today, 272. Did you staple anything? Oh... yeah. But I'm definitely missing 26 millimeters of scotch tape and someone used my ruler. How can you tell? Is it shorter or something? Look at the edge. That's graphite from a regular pencil. I only use mechanical pencils with the ruler. Doesn't leave a mark. Here's your mail, Dilbert. Troll T & A... Pygmies in Panties... And Hot Homunculi. Great! Now I'm on a mailing list. Hello, Thumbelina. That's disgusting! I could sue you both for making this a hostile workplace. Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless. He was senseless before I beat him. We've got to solve this thing. Let's start by making a list Of all the missing items on the board. Oh, there are a lot of advantages to tiny women. Give me those. Now, hand me a dry erase marker, please. I don't see any. Well, it's right over... Hey, where'd it go? Don't have a panic attack. I'll get you one. Wait-- mine are all gone too. WALLY: Same here. This is very odd. I wonder if the literature says anything about this phenomenon. That's it? There's only one left? Got it. Hey... hey! DILBERT: What's going on? [SCREAMING] [LAUGHING] What happened? We're not alone. All right, FIRST THINGS FIRST... Unless something more important comes up and then we could handle that prior to the first thing. Wouldn't the thing prior to the first thing be THE FIRST THING? Technically, we're doing the first thing now.