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  • David: *snore* Pine.

  • David: *snore* Cedar.

  • *snore*

  • Gwen: Goooood morning, David!

  • David: Goooood morning, Gwen!

  • David: Wait- this feels backwards..? Gwen: Yep!

  • Gwen: But today's the day!

  • David: *gasp* You've realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?!

  • Gwen: HELL NO!

  • David: "Help... Wanted?" Gwen: That's right.

  • Gwen: Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the quartermaster's store behind a box of grenades.

  • David: I don't know, Gwen.

  • Gwen: Are you sure we really need more help?

  • *window breaks*

  • *grenade hits the floor*

  • Nikki: Sorry, foul ball!

  • Gwen: YES. *furious knocking*

  • ???: Hello, I'm here for the job listing?

  • Gwen: OMG.

  • Yes! This is...

  • ???: Gooood morning!

  • *breathes in and out*

  • ???: Smell that fresh mountain air!

  • ???: Gosh, now that's the kind of nature you don't just find in any ol' neck of the woods.

  • Gwen: Oh dear lord no.

  • David: Hello? ???: Oh, well, hello there friend!

  • ???: Where are my manners?

  • Daniel: My name is Daniel,

  • Daniel: Your camp counselor applicant.

  • Daniel: I hope I'm not too late to submit my resume.

  • David: Too late? You're the first one!

  • Daniel: Ha! Are you pulling my leg?

  • David: No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes! *Eyebrow waggle*

  • Daniel: Well, who isn't? *Eyebrows twitch*

  • David: The name's David.

  • Daniel: Pleasure to meet you, David. David: The pleasure's all mine, Daniel.

  • David: So, what sort of experience do you have?

  • Daniel: Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down.

  • Daniel: And ever since, I've been searching night and day

  • Daniel: for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential!

  • David: Did ya' hear that Gwen? I think we just hit the jackpot!

  • David: This was a great idea! Gwen: Y'know...

  • Gwen: I think now's the perfect time for me to use my vacation days.

  • David/Daniel: Aw, Gwen, are you sure?

  • *Car drives off*

  • David: Well, more fun for us! Come on, Daniel.

  • David: I think you're gonna fit in here juuuust fine!

  • Daniel: I think so too David! I think so too...

  • OHHHHH~

  • There's a place I know That's tucked away;

  • A place where you and I can stay

  • Where we can go to laugh and play,

  • And have adventures everyday!

  • I know it sounds hard to believe

  • But guys and gals it's true,

  • Camp Campbell is the place for me and you!

  • We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees;

  • Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees!

  • There's endless possibilities,

  • And no, that's not hyperbole!

  • Our motto's "CAMPE DIEM" And that means I'm telling you

  • We've got:

  • Archery, Hiking, Search & Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart attack,

  • Scuba diving, Miming, Keeping up with Rhyming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting,

  • Pre-Calc, Spaceships, Treasure hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal,

  • Fantasy, Circus trapeze, and Fights, and Ghosts, and Paints, and Snakes,

  • and Knives, and Chess, and Dance, and Weights

  • It's Camp Camp!

  • David: And that concludes my presentation on what is, and is not, a baseball.

  • David: So, any questions?

  • David: Yes, Max.

  • Max: Who the fuck is that?!

  • David: Why, what an excellent question!

  • David: Campbell campers, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest co-counselor, Daniel!

  • Daniel: Howdy kiddos!

  • Space Kid: Howdy-do Daniel!

  • Max: You've got to be shitting me.

  • Daniel: Whoa, watch the language there little fella!

  • David: Watch the language indeed!

  • David: Just because Daniel here is new, doesn't mean you should treat him any different

  • David: Than you treat me.

  • Nikki: Got it! *splat*

  • Max: He IS you, David! Save for the outfit.

  • Max: Seriously, freakshow. What's with the cult leader getup?

  • *ominous music* Daniel: You must be Max.

  • I've heard aaaaall about you.

  • Max: O..kay?

  • David: Daniel, I am SO sorry about this TERRIBLE behavior.

  • Daniel: Oh don't you worry, co-counselor.

  • Daniel: They're just, "raggin' on the new guy".

  • Daniel: I thought this might happen, and so for my first day as camp counselor,

  • Daniel: I've prepared several exercises that are gonna help cleanse all of us

  • Daniel: of our negative emotions!

  • David: Well, that sounds WONDERFUL!

  • David: You kids are definitely in good hands.

  • David: I'll go finish up your employment paperwork.

  • David: In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me!

  • David: Just kidding, have all the fun you want!

  • *door slams*

  • Daniel: Sooo, children...

  • Daniel: Is there anybody here who has an interest in... SPACE?

  • Space Kid: OOH! OOH!! Oh, me! Me!!!

  • Daniel: Oh, really? Well, that's WONDERFUL!

  • Space Kid: Yeah... I know all sorts of stuff about space.

  • Daniel: Well, did you know that all negative emotions actually come FROM space?

  • Space Kid: Uh. Well, I.... No. I-I didn't.

  • Daniel: It's true!

  • Daniel: Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins!

  • *ominous music starts* Daniel: These toxins cling to the matter left over from the Big Bang,

  • Daniel: meaning that even if we're all pure of heart at birth,

  • Daniel:we're bathing in a negative-rich environment every SECOND!

  • Space Kid: Whooooaaa.

  • Neil: Oookay, I'mma stop you right there.

  • Neil: Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe

  • Neil: is also responsible for some sort of endless, radioactive evil?

  • Daniel: Oh, no. Not at all!

  • Daniel: The Big Bang didn't create the universe!

  • It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars, started by Zeemuug and the Galactic Confederacy!

  • Neil: Riiiight.

  • *violin shrieking* Daniel: You must be Neil.

  • Daniel: David told me about you were quite the... inquisitive little fellow. *ominous music*

  • Neil: He-hey, buddy. let's try to recognize some... personal space here.

  • Daniel: Why do you feel the need to question everything, Neil?

  • *neck crack* What good has it led to?

  • Well. For one, I'm not walking around, talking about "Zeemuug".

  • Daniel: Buuuut, are you happy with your life?

  • Are you at peace?

  • Or do you find yourself filled with anxiety and doubt?

  • Doesn't the world seem awfully scary?

  • Nerf: It DOES!

  • Well, what if I told you it didn't have to be?

  • I don't really know what you're selling here, Daniel...

  • ...But I am BUYING it!

  • Daniel: Then help me, help you.

  • ..Help others!

  • YEAHHH! I'M HELPING!!!!

  • Daniel: Excellent! Now who else wants to help and reach ascension~?

  • Max: Oh my fuck, he's ACTUALLY-

  • Max: A CULTIST!

  • YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!

  • David: Whoa, whoa! What's wrong, kids?

  • And why aren't you with Daniel?

  • Oh. You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?!

  • Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please.

  • Neil: He gave everyone a "de-toxification diet", then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!

  • He's bilingual, AND cares about nutrition?

  • Nikki: Hey, Daviiiid~?

  • David: Yes, Nikki?

  • WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID! *smack*

  • If you don't believe us, then come see for yourself.

  • *BANG*

  • Daniel: Well! What a pleasant surprise!

  • David, kids! Welcome!

  • *in creepy unison* Welcome!

  • David: Wowzers Daniel! This all looks incredible!

  • What's it for?

  • Daniel: Why, it's to celebrate, of course!

  • Your campers have all been SO cooperative,

  • and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be

  • cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level!

  • Nikki: Heeey, where ARE the campers?

  • Most are helping prepare for today's festivities,

  • But a few of them are still hangin' around in the Purification Sauna!

  • David: You built a SAUNA?!

  • Max: THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID!

  • Daniel: Dolph, Nerf, why don't you show your friends to the sauna?

  • So they'll quit worryin', and start hurryin'..

  • ...their way to FUN!

  • *spooky violins*

  • Purified!Dolph: So... who vants to go first?

  • Preston: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!

  • HELP MEEEE...

  • Neil: I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications

  • of specifically YOU putting specifically ME into a gas chamber.

  • Purified!Dolph: Ah! Zis is no gas chamber!

  • Ve just use high-pressured steam,

  • und subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche,

  • und rebuild you in a form zat vill please ze Ancient Ones!

  • Purified!Preston: *monotone* And I love it.

  • *gasps*

  • Purified!Ered: Oh, hey guys.

  • You dudes are just in time to help prep for the killer party...

  • Purified!Nerris: Daniel says that once we've all been cleansed,

  • we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form.

  • *sips*

  • QM: Hmm. Was better in Jonestown.

  • Purified!Nerris: Isn't that right, Daniel?

  • Daniel: Right you are, Nerris!

  • (Screams)

  • Neil: MAX! DO SOMETHING!

  • Max: You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp!

  • Daniel: "Brainwashed"? No, no, no!

  • I just appealed to their emotions, and showed them the light!

  • People don't wanna think, Max!

  • They just wanna feel safe.

  • And feelings beat facts, ANY day!

  • Daniel: Now... Don't you wanna feel safe, too?

  • David: THERE YOU ARE!

  • I was wondering where everyone had run off to!

  • Max: DAVID! Oh, thank god!

  • You have to stop him! He's insane!

  • David: Max, I have had it up to HERE with your bad behavior today!

  • Max: But it's all right here! Right in front of you!

  • Proof that Daniel's actually a religious cult leader that's gonna brainwash and kill every last one of us!

  • Purified!Neil/Nikki: We love you, Daniel...

  • David: Well, all I see are happy faces!

  • Great work, Daniel!

  • Daniel: Aw, shucks. Thanks David!

  • Aaaall right kids, let's start pouring that punch!

  • And prepare for Ascension!

  • All the Purified! babies: YAAAAAY!

  • Max: ...Fine. If THINKING is too hard, I'll do it Daniel's way.

  • David, you're right.

  • I've been awfully mean today.

  • David: Aw, it's okay Max.

  • I know making new friends can sometimes be a little scary.

  • Max: Well, it's just because... I was scared for YOU!

  • David: For me?

  • I mean, it's just so OBVIOUS that Daniel's a better camp counselor than you.

  • David: *nervously* What are you talking about?

  • Max: Just look at him! In one DAY, he's managed to get everyone and working together!

  • Max: Something you and Gwen could NEVER do.

  • Everyone LOVES Daniel!

  • The Purified! children: We love you, Daniel!

  • David: W-well, that's good!

  • Max: Well, Good for US, sure. But you?

  • Once Cameron finds out that ONE camp counselor can do the job of TWO...

  • he's DEFINITELY gonna let you and Gwen go.

  • Dream-Cameron: Boy, I sure am glad I fired the HECK out of those other two loser counselors!

  • All I need is you, Daniel! And no one else.

  • David: Nnnn..

  • Dream-Cameron: I SAID, no one else.

  • David: I can't imagine a life without Camp Campbell!

  • But, surely Daniel can't be THAT threatening!

  • I mean, it's not like EVERYONE loves him. Right, Max?

  • ...Max?

  • Purified!Max: I love you, Daniel

  • *gasps*

  • David: But... that's not right. Max doesn't love ANYTHING!

  • Daniel: So, David. Care to join us for a drink?

  • David: Hmph!

  • Daniel. I-I'm actually afraid that.. we need to let you go.

  • I just don't think you're a good fit for Camp Campbell.

  • *spooky violins*

  • Daniel: Oh. I see.

  • Well, it is... unfortunate you feel that way, David.

  • David: Yeah, I'm afraid it's just not-

  • Daniel: HOWEVER, as far as I'm aware, I've successfully met every requirement listed in my job description.

  • So, YOU don't actually have the legal right to terminate my employment.

  • Unless, of course, you think there's an aspect of this job I've yet to uphold...?

  • David: As a matter of fact, there IS.

  • You may be a good camp counselor, Daniel...

  • But what good is a camp counselor, without camp SONGS?

  • Daniel: *gasps* Why, David...

  • I thought you'd NEVER ask!

  • David: *Gasp*

  • Hmph!

  • *guitar strum*

  • David: I hope this won't sound impolite

  • Or come across as too forthright

  • But even though you seem alright, I...

  • Think I'm better than you!

  • Now please do keep this thought in mind That's just my personal conviction.

  • You're smart and fun, you're sweet and kind- I'd call our friendship an addiction!

  • Your shoes are shined, your breath: dulce But still I find I have to say, I…

  • Think I might be better than you!

  • *fiddle playing*

  • Daniel: You seem impressed with what you've shown, But I don't find it that compelling.

  • You've sung my praise but not your own And well, I think that's pretty telling.

  • But while we're on the subject of How I'm superb and leagues above, you

  • Ought to know I'm number one.

  • I know that might be hard to swalloooww~ *spooky kiddo company*

  • This hurts you just as much as me~

  • But when this song is sung then you and I'll know

  • That you're just a nobody!

  • *fiddle and guitar*

  • David: Well friend I don't know what to say-

  • Daniel: Try starting with your resignation.

  • David: Let's end this in the fin-a-le

  • Daniel: I'm dying from anticipation!

  • David: You're really great, but let me state Daniel: You've been outdone

  • David: You denigrate and seem to hate Daniel: Now I've really won

  • David: The fact I break to abdicate Daniel: But it was fun

  • David: Before I can asphyxiate, I... Daniel: Your end's begun, and...

  • David: Think I might be better than you! Daniel: Now I know I'm better than you!

  • David: Don't hate me because it's true! Daniel: And I'll prove it to you, too!

  • David: Just know, I'm... Daniel: So watch as I identify

  • David: Better thaaaan... Daniel: The skill to show I qualify

  • Daniel: Like keeping up this camp charade

  • And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid

  • To sacrifice them-!

  • Oh, wait...

  • *ambulance sirens*

  • David: Poor guy. Must have been some bad fruit punch.

  • Max: *sigh*

  • You're a moron.

  • David: Well, kids, I guess that's the last we'll be seeing of Daniel.

  • From now on, it's just you, me, and...

  • ...Gwen?

  • Gwen: DAVID. Fire that FUCKING weirdo,

  • because I found us our newest camp counselor:

  • Jen!

  • Jen: I''m really into fashion and trashy magazines!

  • Space Kid: Howdy, Jen!

David: *snore* Pine.

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