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  • Boomstick: Before we get into the episode, I want to let you know that all of our games are on sale for the holidays.

  • That's AVGN I & II, Disorder even the all-new Super Rad Raygun.

  • There's discounts on all available platforms, some up to 80% off. So click the link in the description to pick up some games and save some cash while supporting us.

  • (Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

  • Wiz: Fiction has a very fragile set of rules.

  • Authors should be wary, as one small crack can be enough to smash the boundary

  • and send their stories careening out of control.

  • Boomstick: Are we really doing this?

  • Wiz: We're really doing this.

  • Boomstick: Well here's Deadpool, Marvel's Merc with a Mouth.

  • Wiz: And Pinkie Pie; Equestria's peppy party pony.

  • Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

  • Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.

  • Wiz: Loneliness.

  • Depression.

  • Cancer.

  • When you think of the Merc with a Mouth, these are unlikely to be the first things

  • you associate with the assassin called Deadpool.

  • Yet before the red and black suit, these were the ingredients in life of Wade Wilson.

  • Boomstick: Blah, blah, blah. We've been over this before.

  • How about we just skip to the best parts?

  • Deadpool: Hold up, hold up, hold up!

  • You can't just skip my amazing origin story like that.

  • I have a movie now, so we have all this crispy new footage to use...

  • for educational purposes, of course.

  • Boomstick: Wiz, he's back!

  • Where's my shotgun?

  • Wiz: Just ignore him.

  • In short, Wilson was a mercenary who developed cancer.

  • Deadpool: I had 34 tumors.

  • They were literally everywhere.

  • Boomstick: Sooo, the guys who messed with Wolverine picked him up,

  • injected him with weird healing fluids, and turned him into a rotten testicle.

  • Hey, that would've been a much better superhero name for you.

  • Deadpool: Whatever you say, Captain Bucktooth.

  • You know as well as I do I'm kind of a big deal. And I've always lived that lit, fresh mercenary life.

  • (Now doing an Australian accent) And I even partner up with famous little Wolvie on occasion.

  • (Back to his normal voice) like when I worked with the...

  • X-Force.

  • Boomstick: Damn, where's your mute button?

  • Deadpool: I probably left it in the Savage Land after my dinosaur rodeo.

  • Boomstick: What?

  • Deadpool: Oh yeah check it out.

  • I took a selfie, #nofilter.

  • Boomstick: Huh?

  • Would you look at that.

  • Wiz: Speaking of Wolverine, Deadpool gained a healing factor from those experiments which easily trumps anything the X-Man can do.

  • He's strong enough to redirect a rouge helicopter, fights faster than a normal man can react, and is an expert marksman with virtually any weapon he touches.

  • Deadpool: To all my adoring fans out there you know what I'm all about.

  • Swords; I got 'em.

  • They're made out of this nano-ceramic fiber sharp enough to cut through Spidey's webs and right through his franchise.

  • Grenades, shurikens, bolas and sais; all of that good Naruto stuff.

  • I got 'em on deck, baby.

  • Personal fave though; bullets.

  • I spread 'em like Santa spreads Christmas joy.

  • Boomstick: Are those Heckler and Koch Mark 23 pistols?

  • Deadpool: Yeah, but they can be whatever you want them to be, baby.

  • [kiss]

  • Boomstick: Oh right, you got the magic bag with the elephant.

  • Deadpool: Wait, what're you talking about?

  • What elephant?

  • Wiz: After gaining his enhanced abilities Deadpool's life only got stranger.

  • He's gone on time-traveling adventures with the mutant Cable,

  • joined the Agent X mercenary force,

  • temporarily gained the Power Cosmic, and even got involved in a love triangle involving Death.

  • Deadpool: Oh, that whole debacle?

  • OK, so get this.

  • You know the Grim Reaper, Specter of Death and all that?

  • Well, turns out she's this sexy hot skeleton babe and she totally digs the Deadpool!

  • But our Facebook statuses are still on "Its complicated."

  • Because I'd have to die to be with her. And then Thanos shows up to try and take her for himself.

  • He cursed me with immortality so I could never see my boo again!

  • But he later took the curse back because he really wanted to kill me, but he can't. Because then I'd win, and he knows it.

  • Boomstick: Gah! And I thought I had issues.

  • Deadpool: ♪ Must suck to be a galactic lord. ♫

  • Pretty good for a Vancouver Canadian, right?

  • Wiz: Deadpool may be effective as a wisecracking merc, but when he gets serious he becomes nigh-unstoppable,

  • as far as super-enhanced, cancer-ridden assassins go.

  • He's gone toe-to-toe against Captain America, infiltrated Doctor Doom's country of Latveria,

  • and defeated a horde of 100 ninjas while talking on the phone.

  • Boomstick: Even if you could top that fighting skill, Deadpool healing factor puts him on a whole 'nother level.

  • It's let him dive head-first out of a moving plane,

  • survived the friggin' Chrysler Building falling on top of him, strolled right out of nuclear explosions,

  • and even regenerated from being turned into a puddle.

  • Though that same healing factor is part of Deadpool's biggest weakness.

  • Deadpool: Hey, are you dissing me, bub?

  • Wiz: No, Boomstick actually has a pretty good point.

  • Years of immortality has let you get away with being sloppy in your approach,

  • which allows a clever enough opponent to gain the upper hand.

  • Like this.

  • Deadpool: Hey, what, what...

  • Aw, hey, hey, what's that?

  • What're you doing!?

  • No! You monsters!

  • I won't go the way of Amazing Spider-Man!

  • Wiz: Oh, quit whining, you'll be back.

  • Deadpool: NOOOOOOOOO!

  • Boomstick: Since when could you do that?!

  • Wiz: It's been two years since our last Deadpool episode.

  • I've had plenty of prep time.

  • Wiz: The land of Equestria.

  • A magical kingdom full of rolling plains, beautiful mountain ranges, and rainbows.

  • A place where you just can't help but be happy...

  • Unless you happen to live on a rock farm.

  • Boomstick: The hell's a rock farm?

  • Like, a quarry?

  • Wiz: No, no, no. They literally farm rocks.

  • For these ponies, rocks were their life.

  • They harvested rocks, they sculpted rocks, they played with rocks, they built their homes from rocks, they even ate rocks.

  • Boomstick: Well, one pony on this farm wasn't quite as rock-crazy as the rest of her family.

  • Oh no, she's a whole 'nother level of crazy.

  • This is Pinkamina Diane Pie.

  • Just call her Pinkie Pie.

  • Wiz: One day, chipping away at the grueling rock fields as always,

  • Pinkie witnessed something that would change her life forever.

  • Boomstick: Colors!

  • Wiz: The very sight of this unprecedented explosion of color,

  • which originated from Rainbow Dash's first legendary Sonic Rainboom,

  • instantly brought Pinkie the most joy she had ever felt in her life.

  • Brimming with happiness, she wanted to share her newfound jubilation with her grim-faced family.

  • Boomstick: So, she stayed up all night organizing a surprise party.

  • It was so off the chain, that it made them all smile for the first time.

  • Which was actually quite horrifying.

  • Wiz: That's when she finally realized that her life's mission was meant to bring joy to all.

  • Boomstick: Wait, what's that thing on her butt?

  • Wiz: Oh, that's a Cutie Mark. Every pony gets one when they discover their calling in life.

  • Boomstick: Oh, I got one of those.

  • After I found out alcohol and guns were my calling, I woke up and found a beer bottle crossed with two shotguns on my left butt cheek.

  • Wiz: Boomstick, that's a tattoo. You don't remember it because you passed out drunk in the parlor chair.

  • Boomstick: But booze and weapons do define my life, don't they?

  • Wiz: Well, sure, but...

  • Boomstick: Then it's fate.

  • Anyway, now that she had something better to do than farm rocks for a living, Pinkie left home and ended up in Ponyville.

  • She landed a job and bed at the Sugarcube Corner bakery,

  • and set out to befriend every single pony in town, usually with a welcoming song and dance.

  • Pinkie Pie: ♪ Welcome welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you! ♫

  • Welcome welcome welcome DEATH BATTLE, how do you do? ♫

  • Boomstick: Wait.

  • What the-

  • How does it know, Wiz?!

  • Wiz: I guess now's as good a time as any to mention that Pinkie Pie also sees past the Fourth Wall.

  • Pinkie Pie: Sorry, did I interrupt you guys?

  • Boomstick: Nah, we were just trying to do a show. But yeah, by all means, tell 'em about yourself while I go grab a beer.

  • Pinkie Pie: Well, I can sing, I can dance, I throw the bestest parties, I can...

  • Boomstick: No no no.

  • (Opens a beer)

  • The awesome stuff! give 'em something lethal!

  • Pinkie: What?

  • I'd neve hurt anyone!

  • Well, unless it's an evil, shapeshifting Changeling.

  • That's why I never leave home without my Party Cannon!

  • Usually, this beauty can set up an entire party in a single shot. But when things get tough, I use it to smother my enemies in bubbles of cake batter!

  • It's my own recipe. Wanna try some bubble gum cupcakes?

  • They're fresh, and sticky!

  • Boomstick: Eh, I'm good.

  • Pinkie Pie: Okay, also, I think one time my party cannon blew up half a building!

  • But that totally wasn't my fault!

  • Wiz: Uh, well, Pinkie Pie's party cannon is child's play compared to her own abilities.

  • Her body seems to have highly elastic properties, allowing her to stretch impossible distances,

  • inflate like a balloon, or, more practically, shake off hits powerful enough to send her through walls.

  • Pinkie Pie: Bathtubs are dangerous.

  • Boomstick: On top of all that, her mane can morph into a drill and tunnel through the earth.

  • She's fast enough to keep up with Rainbow Dash, and she can control the very laws of physics!

  • Fluttershy: So, um, do we walk back up the slide, or-or what?

  • Boomstick: Even if you think you've got the upper hand on her, she's got her own Pinkie Sense that lets her predict oncoming threats.

  • Pinkie Pie: The twitching means my Pinkie Sense is telling me that stuffs gonna start falling.

  • Sometimes it's a bunch of random things happening in my body at random times that supposedly predict the future, I call 'em "combos".

  • Boomstick: Her Pinkie Sense is so precise, she can expertly maneuver through a collapsing skyscraper under construction