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  • Phelous: The subject of this review was put up to a poll on Patreon.

  • And it seems the people want me to have some more Goodtimes, with Hercules.

  • Thanks, I didn't know I deserved such a treat.

  • (song from movie) ♪ I am unstoppable. Never give up, never give in. ♪

  • Give me a challenge, and let me begin. ♪

  • ♪ A nine-headed monster may put up a fight... ♪

  • Hercules is such an ass of a character, and it really takes some good writing to make him all that likable.

  • You want to guess if that's present in this one or not?

  • Greek mythology stories can be pretty interesting

  • But honestly, they do have to get pretty inaccurate to the source material

  • for you to have any real likable characters. And even still, a lot of adaptations have a tough time

  • making Hercules anything other than a pompous jerk

  • who just gets away with almost anything due to his half-god status.

  • Really, the best Hercules I've still probably ever seen is Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

  • Because it added humor and made him a bit more relatable. Also, Kevin Smith as Ares was the best.

  • Little girl: Are you really Hercules? Hercules: Yes.

  • Little girl: Then why did you kill my daddy?

  • Ares:

  • Goodtimes' Hercules was made for them by Jetlag in 1995

  • which is two years before the Disney one, amazingly enough.

  • So, this was just made to be yet another crappy Hercules toon

  • rather than cash in on that wacky Mouse House.

  • Dull song from movie: ♪ Many, many years ago, way back in history

  • People in the land of Greece created Greek mythology

  • Phelous (sort-of singing): ♪ Also, way back in our horrid history, Jetlag created this montrosity. ♪

  • Movie: ♪ They believed the world was ruled... by gods, and goddesses too... ♪

  • Phelous: Yeah, what a bunch of idiots, but you know you guys don't really have any right to judge

  • when you don't believe in music that actually sounds any good.

  • Narrator: The early Greeks believed that each of the twelve gods had a palace along the broad summit of the mountain.

  • The most beautiful of the palaces belonged to Zeus.

  • Phelous: But as you can see their beliefs were quite wrong.

  • Zeus's palace was just a sea of stupid pillars holding up nothing.

  • And every time it rained he just sat there reminding himself

  • He's the king of the gods! (weepy tone) He's the king of the gods...

  • Hera: So, another child of yours is about to be born down on Earth.

  • Zeus: A special child, Hera. His name will be Hercules.

  • Phelous (as Zeus) I got to decide the name because I told the mother I'd appear in full glory

  • before her, burning her up, if I didn't get my way. Ha ha, I'm great!

  • Anyway, you mad I cheated on you again, Her-zone?

  • Zeus: And he will be born before sunrise.

  • Megatron: We attack at sunrise!

  • Hera: And what makes this one so special?

  • Zeus: He will grow up to become a courageous hero.

  • Phelous: Oh yeah, they don't have enough of THOSE around there, how SPECIAL!

  • Zeus: One day, he will be king!

  • Hera: Are you saying that the baby who was born inside that palace before sunrise...

  • Megatron: Sunrise!

  • Hera: ...will become the next king?

  • Phelous (as Zeus): How odd that you phrased it that way,

  • But I don't suspect you, my jealous angry wife, will do anything. After all, I'm not the god of brain cells!

  • (normal voice) So Hera makes the Hercster's cousin Eurystheus pop out first.

  • Which means he gets to be king of Stupid Born-First Baby Land.

  • And if that wasn't bad enough, Zeus also gets a visit from that loser Hermes.

  • (as Zeus) I told you guys to tell Hermes that I wasn't home! This is the worst day ever!

  • Hermes: A royal son has been born in the palace! His name is Eurystheus.

  • Zeus: What?! This is the work of your spiteful magic, isn't it, Hera?

  • Phelous (as Zeus): And after I was so faithful to you!

  • Zeus: While Eurystheus will someday be king, his name will soon be forgotten.

  • Phelous: Oh, and Hera is the spiteful one, is she, Zeus?

  • Zeus: But my son, Hercules, his name will be remembered forever!

  • Phelous: You're just doing this to compensate for your crappy open palace letting the wind in again, aren't you.

  • (as Zeus):

  • Hera: My anger is not at you, Hercules.

  • Phelous: Yeah, Hera's usually pretty cool with Hercules, isn't she.

  • Anyway, to show how not angry she is, she magics up some snakes to kill him.

  • Because, you know, that's pretty much a foolproof way to kill him.

  • What could possibly defeat snakes?

  • Besides being... tossed against the wall, heheh.

  • Hera should've just sprung for some real snakes.

  • Zeus: You are no ordinary child, my son.

  • Phelous (as Zeus): You are an abomination demon child.

  • (normal voice) Seriously, look at those soulless eyes of that murder machine

  • Narrator: The story of what happened that fateful night spread quickly throughout the world.

  • Phelous: The story of a kid tossing some snakes was that exciting to them?

  • Geez, Greece was a really bored place before they created their mythology stories...

  • ...of a kid tossing some snakes.

  • Song: ♪ I'll tell you a tale... so listen up to me. ♪

  • No!! I do not wish to.

  • Anyway, Hercules grew up from that little murder child to a...

  • ...whatever this doofy faced loser is.

  • Song: ♪ ...known for his heroic... ♪

  • And that's how the legend of Hercules of Sherwood Forest began

  • But seriously, the movie just stops for a while for this song to sing about how amazing Jerkules is

  • while he shows off by beating people who had the gall to not have one of their parents be a god.

  • Remember how unrelatable I said this character could be?

  • Narrator: Hercules was cheered wherever he went.

  • Phelous: Oh, of course he was! I'm just SO invested in Hercules now!

  • He was the BEST!

  • Narrator: Eurystheus' envy turned to hatred, for despite his own strength and skills

  • Hercules always managed to defeat him.

  • Phelous: You see, that EEEEVIL Eurystheus had to WORK to gain his skills and muscle

  • While Mr. Perfecules didn't have to do ANYTHING for his, as god-sperm was used in HIS creation

  • And that's why you should side with Hercules!

  • Narrator: The two men who had once been boyhood friends had now become enemies.

  • Phelous: We aren't shown THAT, because THAT might have actually aided the story.

  • Instead, we just needed to sing the praises of the Game Genie Kid!

  • Eurystheus: Soon, I'll be your king!

  • Hercules: Even a king must earn respect.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Like me! I had to

  • ...let's race!

  • Hercules: May the best man win!

  • Megara: Hercules, you did it!

  • Narrator: Hercules was not only without peer on the athletic field

  • Phelous (as narrator): But he was also the best whittler in the world.

  • The stories of Hercules's whittling were legendary.

  • Narrator: Now his marriage to Megara was only a day away.

  • Phelous: They're gonna have a great marriage that will last forever!

  • Hera would eventually drive Hercules mad leading to him murdering Megara.

  • But her anger's not with him, you know.

  • Phelous (as Megara): Ugh, I walked into the water, and now my shoes are wet!

  • (as Hercules): Boy, heheh, we sure are stupid!

  • Hercules: If I had been born first I could be king AND your husband.

  • Phelous: How does he know that? Did Zeus come down and rub it in his face?

  • Megara: The people already look up to you as if you were a king.

  • Phelous: Oh, that poor Hercules. He's not gonna be king

  • so he's gonna be reassured by his fiancé that he is, in fact, the best.

  • This story might as well be called "The Overcompensation of Hercules".

  • Megara: Oh, Hercules I love you for who you are.

  • Phelous: Wow! She's gonna lower herself to the half-god who wins at everything?

  • Megara is really slumming it, isn't she?

  • Hercules: And I love you, Megara. You're more precious to me than any title.

  • Phelous (as wrestling announcer): Oh my! Hercules has won the title! It's all he's ever cared about!

  • Hercules: Oh! I almost forgot!

  • Phelous (as Hercules): I find you repulsive because you aren't as perfect as me!

  • Eurystheus: I'm a king only by accident of birth!

  • Hera: There are no accidents in life.

  • Phelous (as Hera): Except for you. Your mother didn't plan you.

  • (as Eurystheus): D'oh!

  • (normal voice): Well, I guess Hera's got a NEW PLAN!!

  • Only took her 20 years to come up with something new after magic snakes didn't work.

  • And that new plan IS..!!

  • ...more snakes.

  • Hera, Hera, Hera...

  • Hercules's mom apparently didn't listen to that wonder child story that she must have spread

  • because instead of opting to lightly toss the snakes into a wall...

  • ...she dies!

  • (as Megara): I know it's tough not having ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in your life be perfect, Hercules!

  • (as Hercules): Don't say that!! She died the perfect death!!

  • (as Megara): She was killed by grass snakes.

  • (as Hercules): Just like she always wanted!

  • Megara, you're not my real mother!

  • Narrator: So Hercules traveled north to Delphi, to the temple of Apollo, to seek forgiveness.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Yo! Sup, Apollo! You home, bro?!

  • (as Apollo): Uh, half-bros, let's not forget that. I don't care fo you that much, Hercules.

  • (as Hercules): WHA?! But I made perfect time getting here! How could anyone not like me??

  • Hercules: How can I make up for what's happened?

  • Apollo: You must go to the man you dislike most in this world and perform the 12 labors he will set for you.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): That sounds incredibly random, and not really connected to my mother's death, Apollo.

  • (as Apollo): It's not. I just figured you wouldn't like doing that.

  • BYYYEEEEE!!

  • Hercules: Until I bow to the will of the gods, we cannot be married.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Then maybe Apollo will like me and think I'm the best, like everyone should!

  • Megara: You mustn't think of me while you're gone.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Oh, you are funny! I've already forgotten your name.

  • Like father, like son!

  • Megara: I want you back no less handsome than you are now

  • Phelous (as Megara): Because if you somehow got any uglier, I'd turn to stone!

  • (as Hercules): Say whaaaaaat?

  • Haha! "N" is for Hercules!

  • Eurystheus: Greetings, Hercules. I've been expecting you.

  • Phelous: "I knew you'd want to do random tasks for me if your mother died!"

  • Eurystheus: Bad news travels fast.

  • Hercules: I felt the same way when you became king.

  • Phelous: YOU JUST GOT HERCED!

  • Hercules really can't let that go, can he.

  • Eurystheus: I thought we might make your first task something... simple.

  • Not-Wormtongue: A simple task for a simple mind

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Not just a simple mind, but the simplest mind of all the land! I win!

  • (as Eurystheus): Uh... right...

  • (normal voice): Hercules's first task is to go kill a super lion, for, uh, reasons.

  • Hercules: Roar all you want, lion, for this will be the last time you do!

  • Simba: Nooooo!!!!

  • Hercules: What labor do you have for me next?

  • Eurystheus: Do you know this bird? Hercules: Of course.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): It's a shiny Skarmory!

  • (normal voice): Now Hercules shall also be known as the greatest Pokemon master of all time!

  • And it won't take him over ten magic years of not aging to do it. Suck it Ash.

  • Eurystheus: Have you forgotten we grew up together?

  • Phelous (as Hercules): As a matter of fact, I have!

  • (as Eurystheus): Euuuuugggghhhhh....

  • Hercules: From the meager size of your arms, only one of us grew up properly.

  • Phelous: Yeah it might have made more sense

  • if they hadn't have drawn Eurystheus with the exact same muscle build as Hercules.

  • Eurystheus Your next task is to drive away this massive flock.

  • Hercules: Consider it done!

  • Phelous (as Hercules): I love destroying the ecosystem! I'm the worst!

  • Narrator: Fortunately for Hercules, Zeus had been watching, and sent Athena down to assist him.

  • Phelous: Oh, so it's not enough that Hercules has built-in cheat codes

  • but his daddy's gonna send down godly help whenever things get slightly tough for him?

  • You know, it really is Hercules's plight that makes these tasks so interesting..

  • Athena: Perhaps these will help.

  • Athena: Because their beaks and feathers are made of brass, the sound vibrates to their very core.

  • Hercules: Ha ha ha ha!

  • Phelous (as Hercules): I love torture! I'm a hero!

  • (normal voice): And with that, the birds were driven away so the bugs and frogs overpopulated and ruined the land.

  • Good job, Hercules!

  • Hercules: Thank you, Athena! ...Athena?

  • Phelous (as Athena): I really only came as a favor to Zeus. You suck, Heracles.

  • Phelous (as Heracles): No one calls me Heracles! It's too correct!

  • I go by my Roman name! While the rest of you use the Greek names. It's what people are used to.

  • Eurythseus: So far I have given Hercules two tasks that should have been impossible to accomplish!

  • Phelous (as E:) If he's going to go accomplishing them, maybe I should get him to do some tasks that I actually want done.

  • Eurystheus: Do you know any other man who could have done what Hercules did?

  • Not-Wormtongue: I suggest, then, that we devise labors that are impossible for a single man to achieve.

  • Phelous: (gasps) That's a GREAT new plan! Doing the exact same thing you thought you were doing with the other two!

  • Eurystheus: This will take some thought... Phelous: ...and that's further than I'm willing to go.

  • Seriously, though, There is no new thought put into Hercules's next tasks as they are the exact same thing

  • killing and torturing more animals.

  • But at least he's doing all this horrible crap for a good reason

  • to aid a man he thinks corrupt because it'll get his mind off his dead mom.

  • What a perfect hero. I love that Hercules.

  • To change things up a little he does flood a town and then beat up a woman

  • but then it's right back to the animal abuse

  • And at this point Zeus just gives up on even being slightly covert with his cheating

  • Hercules: Thank you father Zeus... Phelous: ...another species extinct for super-petty reasons.

  • Hercules: My journey to forgiveness is nearly over.

  • Zeus: The final labors will take all of your courage and guile.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Well, I have no courage, but I do have guile.

  • Guile (in 8-bit sound): Sonic boom!

  • Phelous (as Zeus): Why was I helping you cheat?

  • Oh yeah, to be spiteful to Hera, to prove how spiteful she is.

  • (as Hercules): We are all horrible people. Ha ha!

  • Megara: Stories of your incredible feats have travelled like the wind.

  • You are truly the bravest man on the face of this Earth.

  • Phelous: Good thing Hercules is getting praised. He went almost two minutes without an ego boost

  • (as Hercules): Hey, wasn't I supposed to not think of you until the tasks were done? Man I'm dumb.

  • Hercules: I know how difficult this is for you.

  • Phelous: And switching their position without the background moving is pretty tough, too

  • Hercules: I know what you're thinking. You wish those children were ours.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): I'll go steal them, and put them to work in our fields.

  • Hercules: There is no task you can set for me that I cannot do.

  • Not-Wormtongue: It's clear you could not have conquered all these tasks without a little... help from the gods.

  • There are some tasks I wouldn't count as completed

  • Phelous (as Hercules): How dare you tell it like it is! I love cheating!

  • Not-Wormtongue: Ah! Owowowoh....

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Man I love bullying those weaker than me. I'm a hero!