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  • Phelous: The subject of this review was put up to a poll on Patreon.

  • And it seems the people want me to have some more Goodtimes, with Hercules.

  • Thanks, I didn't know I deserved such a treat.

  • (song from movie) ♪ I am unstoppable. Never give up, never give in. ♪

  • Give me a challenge, and let me begin. ♪

  • ♪ A nine-headed monster may put up a fight... ♪

  • Hercules is such an ass of a character, and it really takes some good writing to make him all that likable.

  • You want to guess if that's present in this one or not?

  • Greek mythology stories can be pretty interesting

  • But honestly, they do have to get pretty inaccurate to the source material

  • for you to have any real likable characters. And even still, a lot of adaptations have a tough time

  • making Hercules anything other than a pompous jerk

  • who just gets away with almost anything due to his half-god status.

  • Really, the best Hercules I've still probably ever seen is Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

  • Because it added humor and made him a bit more relatable. Also, Kevin Smith as Ares was the best.

  • Little girl: Are you really Hercules? Hercules: Yes.

  • Little girl: Then why did you kill my daddy?

  • Ares:

  • Goodtimes' Hercules was made for them by Jetlag in 1995

  • which is two years before the Disney one, amazingly enough.

  • So, this was just made to be yet another crappy Hercules toon

  • rather than cash in on that wacky Mouse House.

  • Dull song from movie: ♪ Many, many years ago, way back in history

  • People in the land of Greece created Greek mythology

  • Phelous (sort-of singing): ♪ Also, way back in our horrid history, Jetlag created this montrosity. ♪

  • Movie: ♪ They believed the world was ruled... by gods, and goddesses too... ♪

  • Phelous: Yeah, what a bunch of idiots, but you know you guys don't really have any right to judge

  • when you don't believe in music that actually sounds any good.

  • Narrator: The early Greeks believed that each of the twelve gods had a palace along the broad summit of the mountain.

  • The most beautiful of the palaces belonged to Zeus.

  • Phelous: But as you can see their beliefs were quite wrong.

  • Zeus's palace was just a sea of stupid pillars holding up nothing.

  • And every time it rained he just sat there reminding himself

  • He's the king of the gods! (weepy tone) He's the king of the gods...

  • Hera: So, another child of yours is about to be born down on Earth.

  • Zeus: A special child, Hera. His name will be Hercules.

  • Phelous (as Zeus) I got to decide the name because I told the mother I'd appear in full glory

  • before her, burning her up, if I didn't get my way. Ha ha, I'm great!

  • Anyway, you mad I cheated on you again, Her-zone?

  • Zeus: And he will be born before sunrise.

  • Megatron: We attack at sunrise!

  • Hera: And what makes this one so special?

  • Zeus: He will grow up to become a courageous hero.

  • Phelous: Oh yeah, they don't have enough of THOSE around there, how SPECIAL!

  • Zeus: One day, he will be king!

  • Hera: Are you saying that the baby who was born inside that palace before sunrise...

  • Megatron: Sunrise!

  • Hera: ...will become the next king?

  • Phelous (as Zeus): How odd that you phrased it that way,

  • But I don't suspect you, my jealous angry wife, will do anything. After all, I'm not the god of brain cells!

  • (normal voice) So Hera makes the Hercster's cousin Eurystheus pop out first.

  • Which means he gets to be king of Stupid Born-First Baby Land.

  • And if that wasn't bad enough, Zeus also gets a visit from that loser Hermes.

  • (as Zeus) I told you guys to tell Hermes that I wasn't home! This is the worst day ever!

  • Hermes: A royal son has been born in the palace! His name is Eurystheus.

  • Zeus: What?! This is the work of your spiteful magic, isn't it, Hera?

  • Phelous (as Zeus): And after I was so faithful to you!

  • Zeus: While Eurystheus will someday be king, his name will soon be forgotten.

  • Phelous: Oh, and Hera is the spiteful one, is she, Zeus?

  • Zeus: But my son, Hercules, his name will be remembered forever!

  • Phelous: You're just doing this to compensate for your crappy open palace letting the wind in again, aren't you.

  • (as Zeus):

  • Hera: My anger is not at you, Hercules.

  • Phelous: Yeah, Hera's usually pretty cool with Hercules, isn't she.

  • Anyway, to show how not angry she is, she magics up some snakes to kill him.

  • Because, you know, that's pretty much a foolproof way to kill him.

  • What could possibly defeat snakes?

  • Besides being... tossed against the wall, heheh.

  • Hera should've just sprung for some real snakes.

  • Zeus: You are no ordinary child, my son.

  • Phelous (as Zeus): You are an abomination demon child.

  • (normal voice) Seriously, look at those soulless eyes of that murder machine

  • Narrator: The story of what happened that fateful night spread quickly throughout the world.

  • Phelous: The story of a kid tossing some snakes was that exciting to them?

  • Geez, Greece was a really bored place before they created their mythology stories...

  • ...of a kid tossing some snakes.

  • Song: ♪ I'll tell you a tale... so listen up to me. ♪

  • No!! I do not wish to.

  • Anyway, Hercules grew up from that little murder child to a...

  • ...whatever this doofy faced loser is.

  • Song: ♪ ...known for his heroic... ♪

  • And that's how the legend of Hercules of Sherwood Forest began

  • But seriously, the movie just stops for a while for this song to sing about how amazing Jerkules is

  • while he shows off by beating people who had the gall to not have one of their parents be a god.

  • Remember how unrelatable I said this character could be?

  • Narrator: Hercules was cheered wherever he went.

  • Phelous: Oh, of course he was! I'm just SO invested in Hercules now!

  • He was the BEST!

  • Narrator: Eurystheus' envy turned to hatred, for despite his own strength and skills

  • Hercules always managed to defeat him.

  • Phelous: You see, that EEEEVIL Eurystheus had to WORK to gain his skills and muscle

  • While Mr. Perfecules didn't have to do ANYTHING for his, as god-sperm was used in HIS creation

  • And that's why you should side with Hercules!

  • Narrator: The two men who had once been boyhood friends had now become enemies.

  • Phelous: We aren't shown THAT, because THAT might have actually aided the story.

  • Instead, we just needed to sing the praises of the Game Genie Kid!

  • Eurystheus: Soon, I'll be your king!

  • Hercules: Even a king must earn respect.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Like me! I had to

  • ...let's race!

  • Hercules: May the best man win!

  • Megara: Hercules, you did it!

  • Narrator: Hercules was not only without peer on the athletic field

  • Phelous (as narrator): But he was also the best whittler in the world.

  • The stories of Hercules's whittling were legendary.

  • Narrator: Now his marriage to Megara was only a day away.

  • Phelous: They're gonna have a great marriage that will last forever!

  • Hera would eventually drive Hercules mad leading to him murdering Megara.

  • But her anger's not with him, you know.

  • Phelous (as Megara): Ugh, I walked into the water, and now my shoes are wet!

  • (as Hercules): Boy, heheh, we sure are stupid!

  • Hercules: If I had been born first I could be king AND your husband.

  • Phelous: How does he know that? Did Zeus come down and rub it in his face?

  • Megara: The people already look up to you as if you were a king.

  • Phelous: Oh, that poor Hercules. He's not gonna be king

  • so he's gonna be reassured by his fiancé that he is, in fact, the best.

  • This story might as well be called "The Overcompensation of Hercules".

  • Megara: Oh, Hercules I love you for who you are.

  • Phelous: Wow! She's gonna lower herself to the half-god who wins at everything?

  • Megara is really slumming it, isn't she?

  • Hercules: And I love you, Megara. You're more precious to me than any title.

  • Phelous (as wrestling announcer): Oh my! Hercules has won the title! It's all he's ever cared about!

  • Hercules: Oh! I almost forgot!

  • Phelous (as Hercules): I find you repulsive because you aren't as perfect as me!

  • Eurystheus: I'm a king only by accident of birth!

  • Hera: There are no accidents in life.

  • Phelous (as Hera): Except for you. Your mother didn't plan you.

  • (as Eurystheus): D'oh!

  • (normal voice): Well, I guess Hera's got a NEW PLAN!!

  • Only took her 20 years to come up with something new after magic snakes didn't work.

  • And that new plan IS..!!

  • ...more snakes.

  • Hera, Hera, Hera...

  • Hercules's mom apparently didn't listen to that wonder child story that she must have spread

  • because instead of opting to lightly toss the snakes into a wall...

  • ...she dies!

  • (as Megara): I know it's tough not having ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in your life be perfect, Hercules!

  • (as Hercules): Don't say that!! She died the perfect death!!

  • (as Megara): She was killed by grass snakes.

  • (as Hercules): Just like she always wanted!

  • Megara, you're not my real mother!

  • Narrator: So Hercules traveled north to Delphi, to the temple of Apollo, to seek forgiveness.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Yo! Sup, Apollo! You home, bro?!

  • (as Apollo): Uh, half-bros, let's not forget that. I don't care fo you that much, Hercules.

  • (as Hercules): WHA?! But I made perfect time getting here! How could anyone not like me??

  • Hercules: How can I make up for what's happened?

  • Apollo: You must go to the man you dislike most in this world and perform the 12 labors he will set for you.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): That sounds incredibly random, and not really connected to my mother's death, Apollo.

  • (as Apollo): It's not. I just figured you wouldn't like doing that.

  • BYYYEEEEE!!

  • Hercules: Until I bow to the will of the gods, we cannot be married.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Then maybe Apollo will like me and think I'm the best, like everyone should!

  • Megara: You mustn't think of me while you're gone.

  • Phelous (as Hercules): Oh, you are funny! I've already forgotten your name.

  • Like father, like son!

  • Megara: I want you back no less handsome than you are now

  • Phelous (as Megara): Because if you somehow got any uglier, I'd turn to stone!

  • (as Hercules): Say whaaaaaat?

  • Haha! "N" is for Hercules!

  • Eurystheus: Greetings, Hercules. I've been expecting you.

  • Phelous: "I knew you'd want to do random tasks for me if your mother died!"

  • Eurystheus: Bad news travels fast.

  • Hercules: I felt the same way when you became king.

  • Phelous: YOU JUST GOT HERCED!

  • Hercules really can't let that go, can he.

  • Eurystheus: I thought we might make your first task something... simple.