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  • JOHN OLIVER: North Korea... America's number one excuse

  • for putting off chores this week.

  • "Y'know, I could do laundry, but if the world's

  • about to erupt into nuclear war, what really is the point?"

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • North Korea has clearly been on everyone's minds this week,

  • and I think you know why.

  • President Trump and North Korea escalate the war of words,

  • lobbing new threats and sending new tweets.

  • North Korea now accusing the president of the United States

  • of pushing the world to, quote, "the brink of nuclear war."

  • Wow. When Twitter was invented, I bet even they

  • didn't imagine that it would one day lead us to the brink

  • -of nuclear Armageddon. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • It's like if the invention of the Furby had led

  • -to the Sudanese civil war. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Who knew that that's where it was headed?

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Now, tensions have sharply escalated this week,

  • which is a little surprising, given that the world

  • has been dealing with North Korea's

  • provocative missile tests for years now.

  • Just two weeks ago, they were doing this.

  • CORRESPONDENT: North Korea fires yet another missile,

  • but Pyongyang claims this one

  • will be able to hit the U.S. mainland,

  • striking cities like Los Angeles, Denver,

  • Chicago, and possibly even New York and Boston.

  • Wait! New York? I live in New York!

  • -This shit just got real! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • No, I think if anyone is-- if everyone is really honest,

  • your level of fear over the North Korea situation

  • is in direct proportion to whether or not

  • they can hit the exact place where you live.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • We film this show on 57th street.

  • If you told me that the blast radius stops at 56th street,

  • I'd think, "Well, I hope nothing happens,

  • but we've still got time before things get serious."

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • -Now, it is-- it is worth properly understanding -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

  • what North Korea is currently capable of,

  • because while their missiles may be able to reach us

  • and they do have nuclear warheads,

  • most experts believe that they don't yet have the technology

  • to reliably hit the U.S. mainland,

  • so that is reassuring. Although, on the other hand

  • a recent Pentagon assessment did suggest that they could cross

  • that threshold next year.

  • So, if a job interviewer asks you, "Where do you see yourself

  • in five years' time?"

  • It is now perfectly acceptable just to scream in terror

  • -into their face. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Look, this is clearly a very serious situation,

  • requiring a deft hand.

  • And, sadly, that's not what it got.

  • North Korea best not make any more threats

  • to the United states.

  • They will be met with fire and fury,

  • like the world has never seen.

  • "Fire and fury." The only way that that is not terrifying

  • is if you report it the way one newspaper actually did in Maine

  • saying, "Trump warns of fire and furry."

  • (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

  • In which case, Trump was threatening to send this

  • to North Korea, which is a very different kind of threat.

  • Now-- now, in response, North Korea announced plans

  • to fire missiles that would land just off the coast of the U.S. territory of Guam,

  • which is frightening, although not unprecedented.

  • They have made similar threats before.

  • But what is different this time, obviously, is that we now have

  • a president who has the general temperament of a wet cat.

  • And, in response to that Guam threat,

  • Trump promptly doubled down.

  • Frankly, uh, the people that were questioning

  • that statement, "Was it too tough?"

  • Maybe it wasn't tough enough.

  • If anything, that statement may not be tough enough.

  • Well, you'll see, you'll see.

  • "Yeah, we're gonna go with that bomb more destructive

  • than the nuclear bomb. Why? I don't know!

  • Who cares that it doesn't exist? Sincerely yours, Donald Trump.

  • I'm not writing a letter. I'm talking. Says you!

  • Fake news. Goodbye!"

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)

  • So, tonight, we thought we would ask,

  • "What, exactly, is North Korea thinking?

  • How did we get into this mess?

  • And what can we possibly do about it?"

  • And let's start by trying to understand just a little bit

  • more about North Korea.

  • And that in itself is difficult. It's one of the most isolated

  • and insular nations on earth.

  • If you know anything about it at all, it's probably just that

  • they have a wacky totalitarian leader who loves

  • military parades and Dennis Rodman,

  • and who really didn't like that Seth Rogen movie

  • about his assassination.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -And it can be hard

  • to trust any information about North Korea,

  • because lots of it is inaccurate for multiple reasons.

  • First, there's the outright state propaganda,

  • which glorifies North Korea's leaders, the Kim family.

  • Just last year, we showed you western journalists being taken

  • on a tour of a historic target range,

  • where they learned something suspiciously impressive

  • about Kim Jong-Un's father.

  • Comrade Kim Jong-il shot three bullets and three of them

  • got bulls-eye.

  • -They all got bulls-eye? -Mm-hmm.

  • -And how old was he at the time? -He was 7-year-old.

  • A 7-year-old's got

  • -three bulls-eyes? -Mm-hmm. yeah.

  • -That's pretty impressive. -(LAUGHS) Mm-hmm.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • I mean, that-- that is the "mm-hmm"

  • of someone who really wants to shut down a conversation.

  • She sounds like a parent fielding questions

  • about where babies come from.

  • -"So, a stork brings the baby?" -"Mm-hmm."

  • "It carries an eight-pound baby through the air in its mouth?"

  • "Mm-hmm."

  • -"Isn't that dangerous?" -"Mm-hmm."

  • "Where does the stork get the babies?"

  • "Storks fuck! They fuck each other! Storks fuck each other,

  • and the baby comes out of the stork's vagina!

  • Don't ask for the truth if you can't handle it!"

  • (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

  • But, here's the thing.

  • Inaccuracies like that are easy to spot.

  • What is trickier is that a lot of eye-catching western

  • reporting about North Korea can be shakily sourced,

  • like this one.

  • JOY-ANN REID: The BBC reports all of the men in the hermit kingdom

  • must now sport the same haircut as the dear leader, Kim Jong-un.

  • His look was known as the Chinese smuggler haircut

  • not too long ago in the region, but now it will be known as

  • "The haircut every man in North Korea must have."

  • Lucky them.

  • Here's the thing...

  • There is no solid evidence that that story is true.

  • But it is seductive because it sounds like it could be.

  • It's like if you saw the headline

  • "Trump to NATO: I invented Squirrels."

  • You'd believe it because it sounds like something

  • he would've claimed, even though as of this taping, he has not.

  • And, while it may not be true that all men had to get

  • the same haircut as Kim Jong-un, state TV did run a series

  • called "Let Us Trim Our Hair in Accordance

  • with the Socialist Lifestyle."

  • And it's weird when a verifiable truth is almost as strange

  • as a wild rumor.

  • It's like how the "Richard Gere Put a Gerbil in His Ass" story

  • is completely false, but what if the truth

  • was that he engaged in consensual mutual anal play

  • with a chinchilla? That would still be bizarre.

  • You wouldn't have to exaggerate that.

  • And sometimes, the truth about life in North Korea

  • can be just as striking as the urban legends.

  • For instance, you may have seen claims online that every teacher

  • in North Korea is obligated to play the accordion.

  • We could not confirm that.

  • Although, in trying to, we did discover that North Korea

  • does love the accordion to a surprising extent.

  • The country is full of them. Here is an accordion factory.

  • Here's some schoolchildren playing the accordion.

  • Here's Kim Jong-un looking at an accordion.

  • Here is an air combat exercise where the camera pans

  • across pilots, and guess what?

  • -Yep. It's a fucking accordion. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

  • They also have a very popular song called

  • "Nothing to Envy in the World" that begins with the line

  • "The sky is blue, my heart is merry,

  • let the sound of accordions ring."

  • And then there is this video of North Koreans playing

  • the last song that you would expect.

  • ♪ (ACCORDIONS PLAYING "TAKE ON ME" BY A-HA ) ♪

  • -Yes. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • That is North Korean accordionists playing

  • "Take on Me."

  • So beat that, everyone else who plays the accordion!

  • By which I mean exactly two old French men

  • and one "Weird Al" Yankovic.

  • And if you think that that is the most amazing piece

  • of North Korean Pop culture that you're gonna see tonight,

  • you are wrong.

  • Because let me introduce you to Pulgasari,

  • a 1985 movie known as the "North Korean Godzilla."

  • The whole thing is incredible,

  • but this is undoubtedly my favorite part.

  • (DEVILISHLY LAUGHING)

  • (GROWLING)

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • You know why I love that? It's relatable.

  • No matter where you're from or what your religious or political beliefs are,

  • at some point, everybody has been about to decapitate

  • someone and then out of nowhere a baby monster jumps up

  • and takes a bite out of your sword.

  • -It works because it resonates. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • And look, look, we're all having fun.

  • We're laughing about North Korea!

  • And it can be very funny, but the very fact

  • that that is true

  • can be extremely frustrating to journalists who cover it.

  • BARBARA DEMICK: It's always, you know, an exaggeration,

  • and a parody, and you know, kind of a freak show.

  • Which, I think, those of us who cover North Korea

  • find a little bit distressing, because it's not actually

  • very funny to the 24 million people who live there.

  • She's right. She's absolutely right.

  • And even when North Korea is objectively funny,

  • like with Pulgasari, it has dark undertones.

  • Because Kim Jong-il got that movie made by abducting

  • two of south Korea's biggest names in film,

  • and forcing them to make movies for him, for years.

  • And you know what? They did eventually escape,

  • so I'm gonna go ahead and say, and I know

  • this is not gonna be a popular opinion,

  • but, if that's what it took

  • to give us that baby monster scene,

  • it was fucking worth it.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Just my opinion!

  • Just my opinion.

  • But the underlying truth of North Korea is that

  • it is a dark place, not just figuratively, but literally.

  • You can get a sense of how little development there--

  • has been there when you look at it from space.

  • See that void where there is almost no lights?

  • That's North Korea.

  • It looks like a divorced dad's Christmas tree,

  • where he gave up halfway through hanging the lights,

  • got drunk and fell asleep watching Ken Burns' Baseball.

  • And the Kim family is known for their bone-chilling cruelty

  • and mismanagement.

  • They were largely responsible for the deaths of somewhere between

  • 600,000 and 2.5 million people during a famine in the 1990s.

  • And we know that there are large, brutal camps

  • where political dissidents are imprisoned, sometimes

  • alongside their extended families.

  • REPORTER: Satellite images show their scale,

  • but for a picture of what they're really like,

  • we can only rely on those who've been there.

  • (MAN SPEAKING KOREAN)

  • REPORTER: These sketches are the recollections of other

  • prisoners who've managed to escape the camps.

  • That is truly horrific. But the existence,

  • the continued existence of those camps

  • brings us to a really important point to understand.

  • Kim Jong-un is terrified of losing power.

  • And while we love to present him as a madman, many experts

  • believe that his actions are motivated by rational

  • self-preservation.

  • He has seen leaders like Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gadhafi

  • scale back their nuclear programs, only to be overthrown,

  • either by the U.S., or by their own people,

  • and die gruesome deaths.

  • And it's true that dictators generally don't

  • end their careers like disgraced American politicians,

  • with a stint on Dancing with the Stars,

  • although, that would've been an incredible season.

  • Saddam, that foxtrot was a weapon of mass seduction.

  • And, Muammar... You worked hard and it showed.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • So, Kim Jong-un has continued his family's military-first

  • policy, spending huge amounts of money on what is the fourth largest military on Earth

  • and an expensive nuclear program

  • in an impoverished country whose economy has been estimated

  • to be smaller than that of Birmingham, Alabama.

  • And Birmingham is a small economy.

  • Their most notable export

  • is American Idol season five winner, Taylor Hicks.

  • Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing.

  • Soul patrol forever!

  • Soul patrol 'till I fucking die!

  • So, how can Kim Jong-un justify that spending?

  • Well, he argues that the huge military is the only thing

  • staving off imminent invasion from a host of outsiders

  • and that is where we come in.

  • Because the most dominant and useful villain

  • in North Korea's narrative is the United States.

  • And it is not like that comes out of nowhere.

  • We sided with the south during the Korean War.

  • And while many Americans may have forgotten just

  • how devastating that war was,

  • the North Koreans certainly haven't.

  • They have an entire museum devoted

  • to American war atrocities.

  • And I'm not saying there were none, but I don't think any were

  • quite as over-the-top as this.

  • (SPEAKING KOREAN)

  • REPORTER: In the last liberation war, during our strategic

  • retreat, the American hyenas occupied the land of Sinchon.

  • They arrested Min Youngshik

  • and stabbed her muscles with a three-pronged spear

  • and sucked her flowing blood.

  • They also took the flesh from her thighs using a bayonet,

  • dipped it in salt, and ate it.

  • And, in case you were wondering, yes, you can buy

  • coasters depicting that scene in the museum gift shop,

  • but they are 16 dollars,

  • which is the real war crime there!

  • And the North Koreans' indoctrination

  • in anti-Americanism starts extremely young,

  • as one defector remembers.

  • -Holy shit! -(AUDIENCE GASPS)

  • It is fascinating when a country's culture seeps

  • even into their math lessons,

  • although, it's not really surprising.

  • As a British child, our math questions were,

  • "If Johnny has two artifacts and Dinesh has two artifacts,

  • then how many artifacts is Johnny about to have?

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -The answer, of course, "All the artifacts."

  • Dinesh's family can come visit them in the British museum

  • whenever they're in town.

  • And the notion that North Korea is working on a bomb that can,

  • "Kill all the American bastards,"

  • is a tremendous source of national pride,

  • there have been stamps depicting missiles hurtling towards

  • the U.S. Capitol, and a few years ago,

  • they produced a video depicting the destruction of New York,

  • set to the least appropriate song imaginable.

  • (♪ WE ARE THE WORLDINSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

  • Yes, you heard right.

  • That was a karaoke version of "We are the World",

  • set to New York in flames.

  • And the last time I saw a karaoke song

  • with background imagery that inappropriate was

  • every time I have ever sung karaoke.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • I don't know what L.L. Cool J's "Doin' it" has to do with

  • these two babies in a field of sunflowers,

  • but it's making everybody uncomfortable.

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • So, the North Korean regime has been very careful about

  • presenting a threatening image of Americans to its people.

  • And some activists have actually been trying to undermine that

  • by sneaking information into the country on USB drives.

  • (SPEAKING IN KOREAN)

  • INTERPRETER: We send various content

  • from stories on human rights, general information on

  • South Korea, to images depicting the average American.

  • KARLA MURTHY: For a fictional version of the average American,

  • TV shows like The Mentalist, and Desperate Housewives,

  • Kang says, scenes like this one from NCIS...

  • Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

  • MURTHY: ...That show police officers reading suspects

  • their rights, are especially useful.

  • You know what? If nothing else, we finally have our answer

  • to the decade-long question,

  • "Who the fuck is watching NCIS?"

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • It turns out, it's all your mom's friends

  • and the people of North Korea.

  • And if you think about it, that is very dangerous

  • for Kim Jong-un, because if people get a sense

  • that the image of America that he has carefully painted

  • for them is false, he could have huge problems.

  • And, when you understand him in that light,

  • as a dictator desperately hedging against a loss of power,

  • it is possible to understand why all his recent threats

  • against the United States, have been reckless,

  • but in his mind, also rational.

  • And that brings us to the key question here,

  • what are we going to do about this?

  • Because on the campaign trail, Donald Trump

  • made it all seem very simple.

  • They said, "Would you speak to the leader of North Korea?"

  • I said, "Absolutely. Why not? Why not?"

  • And they come out, "Trump would speak to him!"

  • Who the hell cares? I'll speak to anybody.

  • -(AUDIENCE CHEERING FOR TRUMP) -Who knows?

  • There's a ten percent or a 20 percent chance

  • that I can talk him out of those damn nukes,

  • 'cause who the hell wants him to have nukes?

  • And there's a chance!

  • -No! No! There really isn't. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

  • Partly because, remember, Kim Jong-un believes they are

  • critical for his survival, and on top of that,

  • Donald Trump is a shitty negotiator.

  • In his short presidency, he has failed to get Mexico

  • to pay for his stupid wall, he's failed to get

  • a Congress his party controls to pass a health care bill,

  • and even when his administration does get something done,

  • it way oversells it, like when the White House

  • announced a trade deal with China as,

  • "Very Big News," "Gigantic," and "Herculean,"

  • and one much-celebrated component turned out to be

  • lifting a ban on beef imports that China had preliminarily

  • agreed to last September.

  • So way to fucking go there, Donald!

  • What a very big, herculean deal!

  • Thanks to you, except, not entirely thanks to you,

  • America is now marginally more able to export beef again!

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • And since taking office,

  • Trump has voiced support for an even simpler solution.

  • China... is helping us

  • possibly or probably,

  • with the North Korean situation.

  • -(AUDIENCE CHEERS) -Okay? Which is a great thing.

  • Great thing.

  • So, in the space of 14 seconds there,

  • he said the word "great" twice,

  • he pronounced "China" with three syllables,

  • suggested someone else should do the work for him,

  • and then, threw in a "possibly or probably,"

  • rendering the whole thing meaningless.

  • I think I may have just hit Trump bingo,

  • and the prize that I want is to go drown in a river.

  • (CROWD LAUGHS)

  • But Trump's idea there of convincing China

  • to exert influence on North Korea,

  • is not inherently crazy.

  • China shares an 800-mile border with North Korea

  • and accounts for as much as 90 percent

  • of North Korea's total trade,

  • so they do have significant leverage.

  • But, some are skeptical about just what China could,

  • or is willing to do.

  • Take sanctions. The U.N. have tried multiple rounds

  • of increasingly-harsh sanctions, but North Korea has always found

  • easy ways around them.

  • (SPEAKING KOREAN)

  • INTERPRETER: North Korea is a 100% state enterprise,

  • so these companies change their names the next day

  • if they're listed for sanctions.

  • That way the company stays, but with different names

  • whenever there are sanctions.

  • If I'm included in the list, my name can be changed, too.

  • Yeah, and that is some pretty weak enforcement.

  • Think about it this way,

  • let's say HBO decided they wanted to cancel this show,

  • their hand would be pretty weak if I was able to get around that

  • simply by changing the name to

  • "Earlier Times but Now Starring Spancergendörffer."

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)

  • And it is true that China could increase

  • enforcement of its sanctions, but they are understandably

  • worried about where that could lead.

  • What they worry about is, if they do that,

  • will the regime collapse?

  • What does that mean? Millions of refugees

  • pouring into China, uh, possibly a unified Korea,

  • that is then a Pro-American country

  • sitting on their southern border where, don't forget,

  • there are 30,000 American troops in South Korea,

  • which would then be on China's border,

  • and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons.

  • You know that there are a lot of problems when you end up

  • saying, "Oh, and by the way, 15 nuclear weapons."

  • Imagine you were a babysitter and you heard,

  • "Okay, you've got his EpiPen, you know about his nut allergy,

  • he needs his inhaler every hour, oh, and by the way,

  • he has 15 nuclear weapons."

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Now Trump has also been mentioning military solutions,

  • but even targeted strikes against weapons systems

  • could get out of hand very fast.

  • North Korea would likely retaliate and they have

  • an estimated 8,000 pieces of heavy artillery stationed

  • just north of the DMZ, which is here.

  • And that artillery is capable of reaching Seoul,

  • which is just 40 miles away,

  • and is an area with 25 million people.

  • So, even a non-nuclear war could have horrific results.

  • And, let's just engage in some truly magical thinking.

  • What if you could somehow just take out Kim Jong-un?

  • Well, you've probably got an immediate humanitarian crisis

  • on your hands, as well as a leaderless country

  • with a power vacuum and nuclear weapons.

  • And, as we've learned from Iraq and Afghanistan,

  • when regimes fall and there's no plan in place,

  • that vacuum can be filled with terrible things.

  • We do not want to find out what North Korea's ISIS would be.

  • Even just the phrase, "North Korea's ISIS"

  • is absolutely terrifying.

  • It's like saying, "9/11's Bill Cosby."

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -What would that even be? I hope we never have to find out.

  • So, sanctions are no guarantee and military action could be

  • catastrophic and diplomacy is going to be extremely difficult,

  • given that you usually need to have a specific goal in mind,

  • and Trump seems to be making all of this up as he goes along.

  • We are learning stunning new details about

  • President Trump's extraordinary "fire and fury" threat tonight,

  • multiple sources telling CNN the president ad-libbed

  • those words, they were improvised, on the fly.

  • For fuck's sake! That is just not a good idea.

  • As I'm sure someone has had to say to Wayne Brady at a funeral more than once,

  • "Now is not a good time to improvise."

  • (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

  • Here's a one-word suggestion, Wayne,

  • "Mourn, mourn like a person.

  • And look, the thing is that's not a surprise!

  • Deep down, we all assumed that he was winging it.

  • We have become accustomed to discounting

  • a large percentage of what comes out of his face.

  • But North Korea is listening to what he says.

  • And the people there have been primed for decades

  • to believe that America is on the brink of an invasion.

  • Just look at their government's response

  • to his "fire and fury" line.

  • (SPEAKING IN KOREAN)

  • INTERPRETER: The American Commander-in-Chief

  • remains stuck at a golf course, oblivious to what is happening

  • and talking about such nonsense as 'fire and fury'.

  • Since it is impossible to have talks with people who are

  • incapable of rational thought, the strategic armed forces has

  • judged that we must respond with absolute force.

  • Hey! hey, hey! Okay, just to be clear,

  • the president is not stuck at a golf course.

  • -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Unless the cart ran out of gas and he has to walk,

  • in which case, yes, the president is very much

  • stuck at the golf course and may need to be airlifted out.

  • So, here is where we are,

  • we have two nuclear-armed leaders,

  • who are accustomed to issuing empty threats to impress their

  • own people and they are now currently goading each other

  • towards Armageddon.

  • Which is absolutely terrifying.

  • And I don't really have a solution to this.

  • But, part of me would love the chance, just the chance,

  • to speak directly to the North Korean people.

  • So, on the off chance that this show is smuggled

  • over their border on a USB drive crammed with NCIS episodes,

  • I would just like to say this,

  • -Hi, North Korea. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

  • You may be hearing some frightening rhetoric

  • from our president, but if it helps at all,

  • when our president says words, he doesn't necessarily mean

  • what those words mean.

  • It's very difficult to describe to you,

  • we're still trying to wrap our heads around it ourselves.

  • Really, it's our problem, except it is now kind of

  • your problem, too.

  • But I want to talk to you about some misconceptions because

  • we certainly have misconceptions about you, uh,

  • but you should know, ideally,

  • that we are not remotely what your state propaganda implies, either.

  • We honestly do not spend our days plotting your destruction.

  • We spend them sharing cat memes and spinning fidgii,

  • and getting furiously angry about a singing boy

  • barely appearing in our favorite dragon show.

  • So, for what it's worth, I would like to give you,

  • the North Korean people, a sense of how America

  • is feeling right now, in a way that you might

  • understand and enjoy.

  • And, that is through the international language

  • of the accordion.

  • And I have some good news and some bad news, there.

  • The bad news is, I do not play the accordion.

  • The good news is,

  • I know someone who plays it like a fucking angel.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, and the people of North Korea,

  • please welcome, Mr. "Weird Al" Yankovic!

  • (CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

  • Would you annihilate us If you had the chance? ♪

  • That's such an Anti-social thing to do

  • You've got us crapping Our collective pants

  • May I suggest you take it down A notch or two

  • We're not exactly sure Why you're upset

  • Did that Seth Rogen movie Make you super mad? ♪

  • You'd like us if you got to Know us I bet

  • We're mostly harmless, Decent people

  • Hey, we're really not so bad My point is

  • Please don't nuke us, North Korea! ♪

  • Right now, We're all a little tense

  • Believe me, We don't hate you

  • Frankly, we don't even think That much about you

  • No offense! ♪

  • Now you might call 'em "Blood-thirsty dogs" ♪

  • But that metaphor's Not very apt

  • We're just a bunch of simple Fidget spinnin' goofy dorks

  • Who probably couldn't find Your country on a map

  • No, we're not savages Or cannibals

  • Well, maybe just a really, Really, really small percent

  • So, I think it would be best

  • If you'd knock off Those missile tests

  • Don't turn us into cinder While we're swipin' ♪

  • Right on Tinder

  • Don't jump-start Armageddon or Our beds we'll soon be wettin' ♪

  • Won't you think this through For a moment please

  • Now why would you bomb our Nice celebrities? ♪

  • Oh, why in the world would you Kill Tom Hanks? ♪

  • ♪ 'Cause nobody doesn't like Tom Hanks! ♪

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • So, please don't nuke us North Korea! ♪

  • That would seriously ruin Our day, remember... ♪

  • We're not evil Psychotic monsters

  • No matter what the news May say

  • We're just those goofballs

  • From the U.S.A! ♪

  • Please don't nuke us Please don't nuke us

  • -♪ Hey! ♪ -(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • "Weird Al" Yankovic, ladies and gentlemen!

JOHN OLIVER: North Korea... America's number one excuse

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