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  • What are you doing?

  • I've got slow-drying pubic hair.

  • Maybe it's time for a trim?

  • They're not long, they're just spongy.

  • (CLEARS THROAT)

  • What, out of interest, was in the...

  • It's not a human head.

  • It's not a human head?

  • No. It's the weight and shape of a human head.

  • But it isn't a human head.

  • Well, that's good. It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot,

  • I'm thinking, is it a human head?

  • And the answer is, no.

  • So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.

  • Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish...

  • Vegetable munge.

  • Sounds... disappointing.

  • No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.

  • So, this is very generous of you.

  • What a very generous person you are.

  • Do you want me to lay the table?

  • Or do you want to do all the laying?

  • What looks like a head, but isn't a head?

  • You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together?

  • Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.

  • He is amazing company.

  • A knobbly melon?

  • Maybe everyone just help themselves.

  • Which is your motto, right?

  • I'm kidding.

  • What?

  • I've seen enough rom-coms to know,

  • if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.

  • What are you doing?

  • That's Paul's room. Have you asked him?

  • Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it. You know what he's like.

  • No, not really. I haven't actually met him. Have you met him?

  • He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement,

  • we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.

  • Did you tell Kingsley about the other night?

  • No.

  • It's obvious you did.

  • So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret?

  • I mean, what's so wrong with me?

  • Nothing.

  • Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition?

  • But what you've got to understand, babes,

  • is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.

  • They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.

  • I mean, it won't happen again.

  • Unless you want it to.

  • In which case, my door's always open.

  • Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.

  • I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle

  • and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.

  • Right, um, do me a favour.

  • Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him. It never actually happened.

  • No.

  • Why not?

  • Look, I'm not being chivalrous here...

  • although obviously, I am...

  • But I'm not ashamed of doing you.

  • That's really sweet.

  • I know.

  • Although, obviously it isn't,

  • and the thing is, I am a shamed of doing you.

  • Oh!

  • Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties,

  • but the house is nice, so...

  • Yeah, they're nice.

  • Well, the girls are nice.

  • The boys are cocks.

  • Two of them are megacocks.

  • No, it's great. I'm just a little bit homesick, you know?

  • Oh, OK.

  • Yeah, yeah, of course.

  • No, I was just ringing to say hello.

  • OK.

  • Oh, how nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.

  • What?

  • Kingsley the judgmental Pope man,

  • doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more?

  • I wasn't, I...

  • Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record

  • that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.

  • I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.

  • I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to

  • but if I do it now and again,

  • it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.

  • What?

  • Classic.

  • Absolutely classic.

  • You'll be humpin' tonight.

  • What's going on?

  • I've been to the shops.

  • Yes, I understand that.

  • But how did you get that lot back?

  • Oh, I... um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.

  • Really?

  • Yep.

  • See?

  • Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.

  • Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me. Having a penis I didn't even know about.

  • I woke up a few times on my year off

  • having had a penis I didn't know about!

  • Good.

  • Yes.

  • Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.

  • What are you doing?

  • Oh! Yes. I shouldn't have looked.

  • I have only myself to blame.

  • What is it?

  • Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.

  • Have you killed Russell Brand?

  • No.

  • Oh, really?

  • My mate worked at a waxworks place. They screwed him on overtime

  • so I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.

  • Oh, I see.

  • Yes.

  • But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around,

  • and put his label on her so you can have that if you like?

  • Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I want

  • the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders?

  • You don't have to fucking feed him.

  • Greetings, my waxy friend.

  • I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.

  • OK. Laters, guys. Laters. Wicked lecture.

  • Yeah, wicked. Thanks.

  • So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? (LAUGHS)

  • Oh, no, you can't ask that, just kidding around. How was I?

  • Pretty boring.

  • I'm kidding.

  • Oh! Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • You fucker!

  • Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary?

  • I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.

  • Do you wanna go get a drink?

  • No.

  • Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it?

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • Hello.

  • So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything?

  • You guys take care. Oh, on Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.

  • Cool.

  • Oh, fuck!

  • Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes!

  • Hello?

  • It's me. JP. From Stowe?

  • I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson?

  • You got caught wanking under the college oak?

  • Oh, yeah. Right.

  • It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.

  • I just had an itchy cock. That was all.

  • So, what are you guys doing here?

  • Oh, mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.

  • Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.

  • Awesome. Where are you living?

  • We're in Toytown. What halls are you in?

  • I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.

  • Sorry to hear that, geez. What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals?

  • It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten"

  • No, man. My house is awesome.

  • It's full of hotties who all love to... suck and fuck.

  • Are you serious?

  • Oh, they love to hump, like, the whole time.

  • For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.

  • I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.

  • All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.

  • Yeah, right. Well, we'd better chip. We're going to blag ourselves

  • into the Wentworth Court party tonight. What are you up to?

  • Oh, man, I'll probably just be

  • back at the love shack, you know.

  • My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.

  • Yeah, right, um...

  • Sorry about telling you to fuck off. I sort of got on a bit of a roll.

  • That's all right. I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.

  • Of course, the Pope shouldn't really be knocking on girls' bedroom doors.

  • Hmm, you do realise I'm not the actual Pope?

  • Oh, that's right. You're the Pussyman.

  • Tell me, how did you get that nickname?

  • Fuck a doodle doo! I've only just bumped into King Ralph!

  • I was at school with him. The guy is a ledge.

  • Amazing.

  • JP. We were in the middle of something?

  • I mean, what are the chances of all us Stowe boys just rocking up in Manchester?

  • Quite high. It's a good university and you're privately educated.

  • Look, word is, tonight Wentworth is going genocidal.

  • So we need to be there.

  • What a knob.

  • I'm warming to him.

  • Let's run away and hide before he comes back.

  • Oh, look, all the gang's here!

  • Hey, guys. Hey, I think Vod likes him. She just bit him on the elbow.

  • Anything... going on?

  • No, Howard, there's nothing going on.

  • I understand. You live together, so you're stuck in "friend zone".

  • I liked a girl in the house last year,

  • but it never happened because she'd seen me holding the bog brush.

  • Wentworth's on lockdown.

  • And apparently people are saying

  • that tonight they're literally having a fucking Jagermeister orgy.

  • So... what's the story? Are you banging tonight?

  • Eh? Oh, Riz. Yeah.

  • He's in Apeshit Dusseldorf.

  • I fucking love musicians. They're so...

  • Talented.

  • Arrogant. I really get off on that.

  • Ah, yeah, I know what you mean.

  • I like a guy who's going to pull my hair and throw me about a bit.

  • So are you gonna ask him out on a date?

  • A date? What, like a candlelit dinner?

  • What are we, bank managers? No.

  • I'm gonna wait for a party,

  • force-feed him tequila and jump on him.

  • Classic.

  • Although my weapon of choice is sambuca.

  • Tequila's a bit... clean.

  • Yes, yes, people, check it out.

  • I'm DJing 12 till 3 at Wentworth tonight.

  • Yous are Wentworth, right?

  • (ALL) No.

  • Oh, my days. Unlucky.

  • Well, that's it.

  • We've basically missed university.

  • We're in social Siberia. Everyone in halls is bonding

  • and we're just free radicals, ageing prematurely.

  • Fuck it. Let's have a rival party. A fuck you to halls.

  • Yes!

  • Sweet!

  • I am out.

  • I can't believe none of you have got a car. Nothing!

  • Not even a Fiat Panda.

  • Take these.

  • Yeah, I notice you don't have a car?

  • Wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1.

  • I can't drive it at the moment, got points on my license.

  • Apparently I was speeding and apparently I was drunk.

  • Students who have cars are dicks.

  • Yeah!

  • Why?

  • Because they're not students.

  • If you've got a car and a satnav,

  • you're a ponce whose dad works in the city

  • and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

  • Cars are cool, everyone knows it.

  • That's why even lesbians like Top Gear.

  • You're strong, I'm tired. Carry these for me.

  • Why won't you come to the party, Howard?

  • I'll be at the house, but I won't be "at the party".

  • I've seen parties. Parties have happened.

  • They never achieve anything.

  • What are we doing about food?

  • I'm making more munge.

  • Should get some cream for that!

  • Come on, high five me!

  • Come on, someone! Don't leave me hanging,

  • That was gold!

  • You Facebooked English?

  • Yeah.

  • If Riz shows up, I might rape him.

  • OK, great!

  • We have got girls coming, right?

  • Don't know. Haven't heard back from the sex traffickers!

  • I've invited the Geology course. So that's one girl.

  • Ah, Geology Girl.

  • TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

  • Oh, shit.

  • What?

  • I've accidentally sent Dan the party text.

  • As in Desperate Dan the Geology Tutor Man?

  • Excellent. So now the party might count towards our exams. Useful.

  • What did it say?

  • Come dip your dick in our hoes?

  • What?! Jesus! What if he reports it?

  • Can we get kicked off our course?

  • They call you The Pussyman because you're a massive pussy!

  • What if he shows it to the provost?

  • Have we got a provost?

  • I'm not sure what a provost is.

  • But that sounds like something they'd hate.

  • Look I'm sure it's fine.

  • He's probably a virgin, doesn't know what the text means.

  • MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

  • Is that him? That's him isn't it? What does it say?

  • "I'll be there. I'm greasing up my penis as I write."

  • Good luck with your party.

  • Bet you're looking forward to seeing our tutor and his greased-up penis.

  • Oh, hello. Wow, you look...

  • That... fits. That totally fits you.

  • You've got fitting clothes.

  • I was going to wear my munge smock but, you know...

  • This is fucking embarrassing!

  • We need to sort this. I mean, no offence, mate, but seriously?

  • You're our shop-front guest?

  • So what's the plan?

  • We go to the pub and invite some fucking randoms down here.

  • Do a man harvest.

  • Man harvest! Harvest the men!

  • Rape the men! We're like feminist vikings!

  • Could I put in a request for some women too?

  • Don't worry.

  • I promise I'll do my best to hook you up.

  • Er, what's going on here?

  • Hey!

  • Are we wearing the same shoes?

  • That is so weird! How did that happen?

  • Well, I owned the shoes and then you bought the same ones.

  • That's how it happened.

  • See you soon.

  • Yeah. See you soon.

  • Right, I reckon I must've harvested about 20.

  • We should harvest men more.

  • Don't know. Felt weird giving my address to everyone.

  • I've bagged enough, man. Josie?

  • Yup, let's head back and gorge on munge!

  • Hey, Vod.

  • Hey, Riz.

  • You fancy coming to a party later?

  • It might be shit, but there'll be tequila

  • and a lot of times when I drink tequila, I smash shit.

  • So, should be good visuals.

  • Aw, I'm on my way to Wentworth. Want to come?

  • Can't. Not residents.

  • Me neither. I've got a mate on the door, but only till 11.

  • Yeah? I'd give you guys a lift,

  • but I'm on the bike.

  • Cool.

  • Yeah, maybe see you later.

  • I am definitely seeing him later. And when I say later, I mean now.

  • Let's do it.

  • I don't know...

  • Oh, come on Josie!

  • Don't be a cunt.

  • Bit harsh?

  • You know what I mean.

  • Look we've got our own party? You know, our own guests?

  • Oh, who's going to hand round the vol-au-vents

  • and put on the Cheryl Cole CD! Fuck it! Someone stump up for a cab

  • or shall we run?

  • I'm not running. I'm in kitten heels.

  • Oh, my shoelaces keep coming undone!

  • Oh, I'm sorry. Are my shoes not to your liking?

  • I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them!

  • Here. Can you take my bag?

  • CAR HORN BEEPS

  • Oh!

  • That must... must've been my car keys.

  • Oh, yeah! I've got a car!

  • Oh, right?

  • Oh, my God!

  • I totally forgot I had a car!

  • How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car!

  • Where are the girls? They were meant to send girls.

  • Not only have they not sent girls, they've sent guys.

  • Like that's what the man party needed, more men.

  • It's raining men.

  • I mean, there are large puddles of men. It's a hazard.

  • I'm drowning in cock, Kingsley, and I don't like it.

  • No, they're not for you!

  • The premium continental lagers are clearly labelled.

  • And the same goes for the goujons.

  • They're for Ralph and Toby. If you want food, eat Josie's munge.

  • Say that again?

  • The pan of pressure-cooked carrots, onions and potato.

  • It's actually got quite a subtle flavour.

  • Oh, right.

  • For a minute there I was thinking I might have to re-grease my penis!

  • Oh, excellent. Team Ralph's here. I need to get them a VIP area,

  • otherwise they'll be mobbed by all these no-marks and zeros.

  • No offence to you, Kingsley.

  • Hey! 'Sup, dude? Good to see ya!

  • T-Dog in the cribbage!

  • All right, guy?

  • Bit of a sausage party. Isn't it, mate?

  • How do you mean?

  • Well, It's a testicle festival. A brodeo.

  • Too many dicks, not many chicks.

  • Ou est les hotties?

  • Well, I mean, our hotties have gone out to find, er... to bring back

  • some of their hottie mates.

  • Maybe we should just head?

  • What do you reckon? We've got shit to do anyway.

  • Don't do that!

  • I mean, I wouldn't do that.

  • There's going to be loads of babes here, any minute.

  • DOOR BELL BUZZES

  • Go get the door!

  • In the meantime, let's get busy on the tour.

  • All aboard the banter bus!

  • Coolio!

  • So, this is my room.

  • The bachelor pad.

  • The flop shop.

  • Yeah, I chose the top floor room

  • so that even if I'm taking a bird from behind, I've got a good view.

  • Oh, yeah!

  • And if we just come through here...

  • that's the ensuite. And this is the smoking room!

  • So, whose room is this?

  • Basically just my spare room, you know? A little bolt-hole,

  • somewhere to come and chillax when it gets too hectic.

  • Let me clear some of this shit away.

  • Rowing machine. You any good?

  • Mate!

  • That's not the rowing machine.

  • This is the rowing machine.

  • We're thinking of getting a crew together.

  • Well, let me show you how many rows I can do.

  • That as fast as you can go?

  • No chance! I'm just warming up.

  • Stretching the lats!

  • Good shoulder rolling! Nice elbows!

  • Can you go faster?

  • No problemo!

  • What's your lung capacity like?

  • Well, I can row and keep a conversation going at the same time,

  • so what do you reckon?

  • Show us how many rows you can do while smoking a spliff.

  • Easy!

  • What do you think?

  • Keep it going. Keep it going.

  • Looking good, hey?

  • Yeah, man. You look the tits.

  • DOORBELL BUZZES

  • Hey, terrible party.

  • I've got an idea.

  • But I don't know if it's a good idea.

  • Russell Brand's head... as fuckbait.

  • Doesn't sound great.

  • No, that sounds bad.

  • Too weird. On the pillow?

  • That's mad. Or is it?

  • But then I could curl up hidden under the covers,

  • then when someone came in... I'm not going to do this.

  • I'm not going to use Russell Brand's head as fuckbait.

  • What rom-com did you see this in?

  • Was it There's Something About Fuckbait,

  • or When Harry Used Fuckbait?

  • The idea of going to a gym in Manchester

  • does not bear thinking about.

  • I do not want some sweaty Shaun Ryder,

  • arching his back on a Pilates ball,

  • thrusting his coke-addled testes in my mush.

  • No.

  • Fuck that.

  • That's why we've got our own gym stuff.

  • We're just looking for somewhere to set it up.

  • Well, I mean...

  • You can use here if you want.

  • It's just my den.

  • Yeah?

  • Yeah. Fuck it. I'm not using anything for it.

  • All right. Tobes, why don't you drive back

  • and bring the weights over?

  • Yeah!

  • Cool!

  • Why WEIGHT?

  • MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

  • You don't mind if I...?

  • No, course not.

  • Yeah. I mean, it's only a fucking beer, right?

  • Yeah, that's right.

  • Were you afraid I was nicking your Petit Filou?

  • No, I wouldn't mind that. I mean, they're only little.

  • Is that... Are you having a pop?

  • No?

  • I'm Dave, by the way.

  • Hello. Kingsley.

  • How's the house? Anyone got laid yet?

  • Well, not me.

  • That doesn't surprise me!

  • Only messing, mate.

  • Is this food?

  • It looks a bit like someone's been sick on some food.

  • Munge, mate. Grill it up with cheddar and you've got chunge.

  • Luxury munge.

  • Munge, yeah I'd never heard of it. It's a real thing, then, is it?

  • Nah, just what Josie calls it.

  • So are you on her course?

  • No, I'm her boyfriend.

  • Oh!

  • Right, yeah.

  • Yeah, yeah. I was wondering who her boyfriend was

  • I assumed she had a boyfriend. You're her boyfriend? Brilliant!

  • (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

  • Oh, God, I am hammered.

  • You're not the drummer, are you?

  • You asked me that already. I told you - I'm the front man.

  • Excellent. I love a front man.

  • The drummer's here somewhere.

  • Fuck him. Drummers are boring. Always hiding away behind their drums.

  • Hiding away behind their sticks.

  • Mainly the drums. You can't really hide behind sticks.

  • Will you let me finish the story about playing the Borderline?

  • Yes, I am.

  • OK, then.

  • In a minute.

  • Hey.

  • So, how's it going?

  • He's hot but he's boring.

  • So, do you think we could head back?

  • No, I'm going to snog him just to shut him up.

  • So, are you a student?

  • No.

  • Nooo.

  • So, what do you do?

  • I'm a heating engineer.

  • Oh, cool, very cool.

  • You don't know anything about it, do you?

  • No.

  • No.

  • Yeah... So, how long have you been seeing Josie?

  • Why? Are you sniffing around?

  • What?

  • I'm kidding. I know you're not like that. You're a Petit Filous man.

  • What does that mean?

  • We've been going out two and a half years.

  • Really?

  • Why is that so surprising?

  • Just... seems like a long time.

  • Surely she must have told you all this.

  • Um, no, not all of it.

  • You want another beer?

  • Er, yeah, why not? Fuck it.

  • Yeah, I mean, it's not like you have to be up tomorrow, is it?

  • Or ever.

  • You piece of shit.

  • I'm kidding.

  • Way to say hello. I like it.

  • Ha, yeah, I'm just friendly like that.

  • You must be Vod. Riz was saying he thought you had a thing for him.

  • Yeah, he's well arrogant.

  • Yeah, he's a twat. Unlike me, I'm lovely. I'm Mark, the drummer.

  • Yeah, I know that. I can tell you apart!

  • Yeah, it's not hard. I'm the one with the sticks!

  • Exactly! That's exactly what I meant!

  • Wait there. I'll be right back.

  • Glad I remembered how to drive.

  • I can't remember the last time I had to drive.

  • Presumably you had to drive to uni, so...

  • Yeah, but apart from that one drive, I've basically never driven.

  • Yeah, so do you think we should head back?

  • Yeah, maybe. I'll go see what Vod's doing.

  • We've got to go. I've snogged the wrong guy.

  • What?

  • It must be because they were wearing the same jacket.

  • I'm not racist for Asians. I'm not racist, I'm just slutty!

  • There you are. Yeah, Vod wants to head off too, so...

  • OK, great. All back to ours!

  • (IMITATES GUNSHOT)

  • So...

  • So... There is a rumour that Russell Brand is in your room

  • and passed out on downers.

  • Yeah, yeah, he is, I could introduce you if you like?

  • The head worked.

  • Not as in fuck bait,

  • but chat bait. It's a good head.

  • I'm growing quite attached to the head.

  • Josie's got a boyfriend.

  • She's not mentioned a boyfriend.

  • Yes, I'd noticed that.

  • So how do you "feel" about that?

  • Fine. I was a bit angry.

  • I was pretty angry.

  • But it's none of my business.

  • She doesn't owe me anything, so let's move on.

  • I mean, she shouldn't have lied to me.

  • That was a total betrayal.

  • But I barely know her. So it's basically fine.

  • Fucked up.

  • But fine.

  • I'm ready to move on. I've already moved on. It's fine.

  • Nothing to move on from. It's all fine. I'm actually glad.

  • OK. Good.

  • Yeah, apparently Russell Brand's upstairs, probably washing some

  • female ejaculate out of his pubey woobs, as he'd put it.

  • Shocking guy.

  • So, how's the party been without me? Bit shit? Or total shit?

  • Hey, babe!

  • Dave! What are you doing here?

  • I thought I'd surprise you.

  • You did! I am surprised.

  • Really surprised. I am so fucking surprised!

  • So, Kingsley here has been looking after me while you were gone.

  • He seems nice.

  • Does he? Good. He is nice.

  • As are you.

  • Ah-ha, the hotties are back.

  • All of my bitches have rolled on home.

  • All three of them?

  • Is that the best you can do? It's hardly an embarrassment of bitches.

  • DOOR BELL

  • I'll get it! I'll get it!

  • So, how come you just turned up?

  • I thought it'd be a nice surprise for you.

  • It is. A huge surprise.

  • I see Josie's pulled!

  • He's her boyfriend.

  • Josie hasn't got a boyfriend.

  • That's not what his body language says. Or his mouth language.

  • Well, it makes sense, I mean, she is a bit girl-next-door.

  • Perfect wife material.

  • Yeah. She's just ridiculously lovely, isn't she?

  • So, um, by the way, I've got a car!

  • My mum gave it to me.

  • She won it on a scratch card,

  • which is mad. But then she buys fuck loads.

  • So, um, yeah, I think she might be addicted.

  • Pretend you're my boyfriend.

  • What? Why?

  • I was drunk, it was dark.

  • I'm not racist, I just put my hand down the wrong trousers, Gromit.

  • There you are.

  • I've got a boyfriend.

  • You've got a boyfriend?

  • Hello. That's right. I'm Howard.

  • Howard the boyfriend.

  • You're really her boyfriend?

  • Yeah.

  • I don't believe you.

  • Fuck off, Riz.

  • I'm Mark.

  • Fuck off, Mark.

  • Yeah. Fuck off, Mark.

  • He's my boyfriend, right, get over it.

  • I'm sorry, he's not your boyfriend.

  • If he wasn't, would I do this?

  • Possibly not.

  • Right, careful with the munge.

  • The munge now has sick in it.

  • All the warm bit is sick,

  • the cooler bit is still good munge.

  • Check it out, the Wentworth crowd.

  • Looks like we've got a happening party going on!

  • Yay!

  • This could be fun. I think Dave might be about to kick the shit out of Ralph.

  • You should stop them!

  • Yeah, I should stop them, but... do I want to stop them?

  • He might also kick the shit out of JP, who doesn't want that?

  • So, I have a question for you guys.

  • JP here reckons he's a bit of a fanny magnet.

  • Hey, cut that shit out.

  • There's no "reckons" about it.

  • I am the Fuckmeister General.

  • If he is your boyfriend, why were you all over me before?

  • We have an open relationship.

  • No, we fucking haven't. I'm fucking serious about you, Howard.

  • And you're serious about me.

  • Well, why were you all over him, then?

  • It was a moment of madness, you know what I'm like.

  • That's true. I do know what she's like. And she's mad.

  • So, my question to you is, is it true, as JP claims,

  • that he pulled on his first night here?

  • Yeah, he pulled.

  • He pulled himself off looking at his own Facebook photo.

  • This is just like more of your bullshit, Vod.

  • Like when you snogged Russell Brand. I mean, yeah, fine, Russell Brand.

  • But, who's this guy?

  • He's just some guy. He's not a celebrity.

  • I'm a drummer.

  • That doesn't count.

  • Have you heard that Russell Brand's in the house?

  • Britain's favourite Dickensian Goth is here. C'mon, I'll show you.

  • So, what's he got that I haven't got?

  • Isn't it obvious?

  • No.

  • Well...

  • He's comfortable in his own skin, unlike you.

  • You want to be Mark.

  • I am Mark!

  • You want to be Riz.

  • You know what I mean!

  • I don't want to be like Riz, actually. Riz is a fucking twat.

  • And so are you.

  • Oh, look I'm sorry, Riz!

  • Mark! I'm sorry, Mark!

  • She asked me to be her temporary boyfriend.

  • It's a service I provide.

  • They had this pyro man, his name was Philippe,

  • they called him the human torch. There was supposed to be

  • this backdrop, he pumped me in with his guitar in Borderline.

  • The other cool thing about the girls in the house

  • is you can sort of... talk to them and shit,

  • you know?

  • How do you mean?

  • I don't know, it's like,

  • it's like they're sort of just...

  • OK.

  • I can't really explain.

  • That is fucking poor gym etiquette.

  • JP! Those weights are expensive!

  • Go and save my dumbbells, dumbbell!

  • Paul!

  • Paul, Paul, mate. Would you stop throwing shit out the window?

  • Paul, please don't be a cunt. Paul?

  • CRASHING

  • Paul! Let me in, open the fucking door!

  • You will cease and desist.

  • Paul!

  • So first you nick my trainers, then you nick Riz?

  • I thought you wanted to get off with Mark?

  • Why would you think that?

  • Because you were getting off with Mark.

  • Doesn't matter... They're all the same, anyway.

  • Men, not Asians.

  • So, where were we?

  • Yeah, I...

  • Ralph's chipped. Gougon's cained.

  • And Josie's got a boyfriend,

  • so that's my fall-back shag out the window.

  • For tonight, anyway.

  • Right, that's it. I've had enough. I'm going to bed.

  • What are you doing?

  • I'm letting this serve as a warning.

  • Who to?

  • In general.

  • A general warning.

  • Look, I'm sorry about getting off with Riz, yeah.

  • I only did it to shut him up.

  • Amazing party.

  • Classic party.

  • BANG, CAR ALARM

  • Oh, man. My car! That's...

  • cool, cos it's my dad's, the dick.

  • Pass the ash tray.

  • BANGING AND MOANING

  • (COUGHS LOUDLY)

  • 'Pregnancies among teenagers are often unplanned and unwanted.

  • 'Unlike older mothers,

  • 'teenager mothers lack education, experience and income.'

  • <font color="#3333FF">Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells</font> <font color="#3333FF">www.addic7ed.com</font>

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