I've got slow-drying pubic hair.

Maybe it's time for a trim?

They're not long, they're just spongy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What, out of interest, was in the...

It's not a human head.

It's not a human head?

No. It's the weight and shape of a human head.

But it isn't a human head.

Well, that's good. It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot,

I'm thinking, is it a human head?

And the answer is, no.

So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.

Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish...

Vegetable munge.

Sounds... disappointing.

No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.

So, this is very generous of you.

What a very generous person you are.

Do you want me to lay the table?

Or do you want to do all the laying?

What looks like a head, but isn't a head?

You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together?

Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.

He is amazing company.

A knobbly melon?

Maybe everyone just help themselves.

Which is your motto, right?

I'm kidding.

What?

I've seen enough rom-coms to know,

if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.

What are you doing?

That's Paul's room. Have you asked him?

Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it. You know what he's like.

No, not really. I haven't actually met him. Have you met him?

He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement,

we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.

Did you tell Kingsley about the other night?

No.

It's obvious you did.

So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret?

I mean, what's so wrong with me?

Nothing.

Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition?

But what you've got to understand, babes,

is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.

They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.

I mean, it won't happen again.

Unless you want it to.

In which case, my door's always open.

Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.

I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle

and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.

Right, um, do me a favour.

Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him. It never actually happened.

No.

Why not?

Look, I'm not being chivalrous here...

although obviously, I am...

But I'm not ashamed of doing you.

That's really sweet.

I know.

Although, obviously it isn't,

and the thing is, I am a shamed of doing you.

Oh!

Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties,

but the house is nice, so...

Yeah, they're nice.

Well, the girls are nice.

The boys are cocks.

Two of them are megacocks.

No, it's great. I'm just a little bit homesick, you know?

Oh, OK.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

No, I was just ringing to say hello.

OK.

Oh, how nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.

What?

Kingsley the judgmental Pope man,

doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more?

I wasn't, I...

Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record

that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.

I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.

I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to

but if I do it now and again,

it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.

What?

Classic.

Absolutely classic.

You'll be humpin' tonight.

What's going on?

I've been to the shops.

Yes, I understand that.

But how did you get that lot back?

Oh, I... um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.

Really?

Yep.

See?

Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.

Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me. Having a penis I didn't even know about.

I woke up a few times on my year off

having had a penis I didn't know about!

Good.

Yes.

Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.

What are you doing?

Oh! Yes. I shouldn't have looked.

I have only myself to blame.

What is it?

Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.

Have you killed Russell Brand?

No.

Oh, really?

My mate worked at a waxworks place. They screwed him on overtime

so I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around,

and put his label on her so you can have that if you like?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I want

the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders?

You don't have to fucking feed him.

Greetings, my waxy friend.

I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.

OK. Laters, guys. Laters. Wicked lecture.

Yeah, wicked. Thanks.

So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? (LAUGHS)

Oh, no, you can't ask that, just kidding around. How was I?

Pretty boring.

I'm kidding.

Oh! Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fucker!

Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary?

I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.

Do you wanna go get a drink?

No.

Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything?

You guys take care. Oh, on Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.

Cool.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes!

Hello?

It's me. JP. From Stowe?

I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson?

You got caught wanking under the college oak?

Oh, yeah. Right.

It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.

I just had an itchy cock. That was all.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.

Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.

Awesome. Where are you living?

We're in Toytown. What halls are you in?

I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.

Sorry to hear that, geez. What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals?

It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten"

No, man. My house is awesome.

It's full of hotties who all love to... suck and fuck.

Are you serious?

Oh, they love to hump, like, the whole time.

For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.

I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.

All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.

Yeah, right. Well, we'd better chip. We're going to blag ourselves

into the Wentworth Court party tonight. What are you up to?

Oh, man, I'll probably just be

back at the love shack, you know.

My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.

Yeah, right, um...

Sorry about telling you to fuck off. I sort of got on a bit of a roll.

That's all right. I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.