And welcome to...

Kombat Courses!

Test your Kombat!

What?!

No!

It's Kombat Courses!

No, Test your Kombat's way better! Don't you guys agree?

MURDER MECHANICS then!

Murder Mechan-

We're not mechanics, how does that make sense?!

KILLER KARATE!

Karate?!

Karate sucks!

Whatever!

All this is..

Is the tips and techniques that you need to know to defend yourself..

..in the wilderness..

..and on the streets.

In case you ever have to deal with someone like this guy.

If you have to deal with me, you're just F%^#ed.

Right.

But anybody else that's lower than me..

This will prepare you for them!

Right.

So let's just move on to the first one.

Let's see what we got!

Lesson 1

The first thing that you need to know..

as a defense practitioner..

..Is that you need to know who might attack you first.

So you can attack them before they attack you.

Wait what..?!

Yeah!

So you need to be really good at judging character.

Okay so anybody you walk by..

..If they might be able to attack you, you wanna kill them.

You wanna kill them before they attack you?

Yeah you wanna rip their head off!

What?

IT'S FULL FORCE!

So they don't have any opportunity to possibly hurt you.

I don't really..

This isn't even making any sense.

It does! It makes absolute perfect sense.

See?!

Alright so next up!

Let's just say I'm waiting for the bus right?

Just minding my own business..

Bus..

..waiting is an asshole.

..with my drink here alright?

So..

But the problem here is..

..Is that this is no longer frozen.

There's no ice in it.

It's just completely just water now.

And I've used up all of my special bar.

I've used up all of my ice moves..

It's a hot day ya know?

But what you need to make sure that you do, is to always bring ice in your back pocket just in case.

That way you can make sure that your drink is always cold!

See! Problem solved!

Now, you're probably wondering, what does this have to do with self defense?

And I'll tell ya, it has EVERYTHING to do with self defense!

See he doesn't like that one bit!

Okay. The next technique..

..that you will need to know..

..is how to defend that damn haymaker.

Right.

I HATE that thing!

Everybody is always defending it on those videos..

So we have to do it too.

So I'll go ahead and throw the haymaker, alright?

He's gonna throw a haymaker at me.

I'm gonna throw a haymaker.

And I'm gonna show you what to do.

Okay, prepare to defend yourself against his haymaker strike.

Here it comes!

Alright..

So now that the haymaker is coming in full speed..

..which he's doing right now..

..umm..you have time to eat some noodles..

You have time to check your Facebook.

Or whatever social media sites you got..

And then you can just calmly just kinda step out of the way real quick.

Like that.

And then as he's leaning forward like this..

..like an asshole.

You can punch him straight in the face like that.

That's all you do!

That's it!

Then he falls down..

..and then you do a fatality.

It's very rare to do a fatality while they're actually laying down.

For some reason they have to get back up and then get dizzy..

Like this.

And then you can do it!

I recommend something with a spear..

or uh..decapitation.

The next technique!

What do we got?

This is the one that tops them all!

In defense..

The one thing that you need to have..

What?

..Is Iron Body.

Iron body? What do you mean by that?

Okay, so..if you're like me..

..which, you kinda have to be.

Anyway!

You toughen your bones..

..And you toughen your skin..

..to withstand any attack!

So they hurt their hands on you.

Well how do you do that though?

Okay!

So first of all you have to lay down..

..in a steel mill.

Okay?

Find a steel mill within your area.

Google it..

Whatever!

Okay and then lay down on the floor next to one of those..

..next to one of their trestle things.

Yeah, they have like a mine cart..

..that they put molten steel in, okay?

And then..

What you do is lay under it, and then you pour it on yourself.

Okay..

Now the trick is not to die from that!

Oh really? Really!

If you die from that, you kinda fail at that point of the technique.

But..

..if you succeed..

..and it fuses with your epidermis..

..like me..

..then you will be invulnerable to most attacks.

You're having armor as your skin.

Okay well lets see it then!

Lets see how amazing..with all this training you've been doing.

Okay!

What's this mean?

You can hit them with your arm.

AHH GOD!

You can hit them with your..

..with your legs.

I'm trying to get up!

You can hit them with your face even!

Kano does that a lot!

OW

And if they attack you back..

..then just like if he punches me and I don't wanna move...

Stop. Stop.

You can just go like this..

..and the bone will shoot out the back of his arm.

So you shouldn't do that.

So what if you angle the hand a little bit different so the bone shoots out the back of the arm and also goes through my chest?

Wouldn't that be a way of amping it up guys?!

Okay!

He just topped my technique a little bit.

Right!

The student has become the teacher!

I'm gonna call you grasshopper.

Try and get the pebble out of my hand!

There's no pebble in your hand!

Exactly! You fail.

Alright!

You see it all the time..

It pisses me off!

What pisses you off?

The straight choke!

The straight choke? Oh you mean..

It never happens.

..like this?

That one.

That one!

You see it in-

Even with two hands.

Oh yeah.

They do these a lot.

Especially if you're a woman and you're in a movie on the floor.

That's just..what they do.

Alright so what do you do to get out of this?

Well you don't do this..

You don't do any of this..

You don't play with his face.

You don't try-

It especially wouldn't work on me, if he's trying to pick my nose he can't even do it.

No! Masks basically prevent that from happening, it's impossible.

Anyway..

..what you do like an infant would do..

Uh huh.

..is you grab the thumbs like that and you pull them.

OW!

That's all you have to do!

OWWW

That's all you have to do.

AHH Stop pulling my thumbs!

Or you can put them back so he'll stop screaming like a girl.

I'm sorry about that girls, you don't scream like him.

He's worse, he screams like a shih tzu.

Anyway here!

What!?

This is for all you five year olds watching..

..hopefully you're not watching.

But anyway..

So I'm going into the position!

I'm gonna choke him out for what he said to me!

Yeah ok!

So this is like 100 pounds?

100 and..?

No no no no no!

This is like 350 pounds!

350 pounds.

I've been working out!

350 pounds and I'm like 5..

..so what is that?

60..

5?

No no no no no no no!

That's a lot bigger than that.

Okay, anyway.

Okay what are you gonna do?

Alright so what you do is ya know the rainbow thing.

Rainbow..?

Yeah! Yeah.

It goes..

..you go..

Hey look a rainbow!

And then it stops.

Alright.

Yeah. You do the "Hey look! A Rainbow!"

And then..

And then he stops choking you!

And you poke him in the F&$^ing eye!

What now?

You just said no.

I said are you sure, and you said no.

You can't deform a deformation.

Yeah you can!

It sounded like you were in there and he was doing uh..Pee Wee Herman and you were just watchin.

Yeah he was doing the dance!

What?

The dance!

What dance? Show me!

NO

Please?

I will never do that.

Come on just once!

Okay!

One time for them!

He was doing..

..doing that.

Oh!

I can't believe you just did that!

Shit!

F*%$ you!

Oh that's gonna be all over instagram!

The next technique is called slap Sub-Zero silly.

Here we go.

Don't do the Pee Wee Herman dance ladies and gentlemen.

Do the Carlton!

Yeah it's this.

Well that's the end of this Kombat courses ladies and gentlemen!

NO!

This concludes Test your Kombat..

Kombat Courses!

..our instructional video.

And now with this newfound knowledge you have of how to defend yourself..

..make sure you take it to the streets and defend yourself with it!

Defend yourself, and defend your POWER!

Some shit like that..

Anyway.. like, comment, subscribe.

Stay tuned for the next Kombat Courses video!

Thank you guys. See ya later!