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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOWMENT I'M YOUR HOST,

  • STEPHEN COLBERT IT IT IS DAY-- (APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: IT IS DAY 100-- 102 OF THE TRUMP

  • PRESIDENCY, 1,358 DAYS TO GO.

  • BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

  • (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER)

  • (APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: NOW TRUMP HAS REPEATEDLY SAID THAT THIS

  • HUNDRED DAY THING IS TOTALLY ARBITRARY, OKAY.

  • TOTAL LEER UNIMPORTANT.

  • AND TO PROVE HOW UNIMPORTANT IT IS, HE TOOK OUT A TV AD, HE CUT

  • A CAKE ON AIR FORCE ONE, AND HE HELD A RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA.

  • THE THEME OF THAT RALLY, PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

  • WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL SLOGAN, PROMISES MADE,

  • NEVER MIND, NEVER SAID IT, FAKE NEWS, WATCH FOXAN FRIENDS.

  • SO, NICE, GOT A RHYTHM.

  • (APPLAUSE) HE ALSO PROVED JUST HOW

  • UNIMPORTANT THIS WAS WITH A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS OVER THE

  • WEEKEND.

  • FIRST ON FRIDAY HE TALKED WITH REUTERS ABOUT HIS NEW JOB.

  • >> WELL, I LOVE MY-- I LOVED MY PREVIOUS LIFE, I LOVED MY

  • PREVIOUS LIFE.

  • HI SO MANY THINGS GOING.

  • I ACTUALLY, THIS IS MORE WORK THAN MY PREVIOUS LIFE.

  • I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER.

  • >> Stephen: HUH.

  • HOW ABOUT THAT?

  • >> Jon: HE THOUGHT IT IT WOULD BE EASIER.

  • >> Stephen: IT IT TURNS OUT BEING LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

  • IS HARDER THAN LICENSING YOUR NAME TO LUXURY MEAT.

  • DELICIOUS.

  • BUTS THAT HE'S NOT ALL.

  • HE TRUMPED ON.

  • >> I THOUGHT IT IT WAS MORE-- I'M A DETAILS ORIENTED

  • PERSON, I THINK YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

  • BUT I DO MISS MY OLD LIFE.

  • >> Stephen: WE ALL DO, SIR.

  • WE ALL MISS IT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: I GET WHY HE MISSES IT, I GET IT MAN.

  • BECAUSE IN HIS OLD LIFE HE COULD SPEND HIS DAYS GOLFING,

  • INSULTING PEOPLE ON TWITTER AND HANGING OUT WITH HIS FAMILY.

  • ALSO, NOW.

  • BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON HE'S BUMMED.

  • IT'S ALSO BECAUSE, I CAN'T DRIVE ANY MORE.

  • AND YOU KNOW HE DROVE ALL THE TIME.

  • HE WAS A GREAT DRIVER.

  • JUST LOOK HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS BEHIND THE BHEEL.

  • (LAUGHTER) -- WHEEL.

  • THAT'S PACKLY HOW I DRIVE.

  • HANDS AT 7 AND 5, MOUTH OPEN, SCREAMING.

  • AAHHH!

  • RED LIGHTED!

  • THANKS, OBAMA.

  • >> Jon: OPEN ROAD.

  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE HE ADDRESSED THE PROUDEST

  • ACHIEVEMENT OF HIS PRESIDENCY, EXISTING.

  • BECAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF DISCUSSING CHINESE AMERICAN

  • RELATIONS WITH THE REUTERS REPORTERS STOPPED TO HAND OUT

  • COPIES OF WHAT HE SAID WERE THE LATEST FIGURES OF THE 2016

  • ELECTORAL MAP SAYING PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT, THE RED IS

  • OBVIOUSLY US.

  • THE BLUE, OBVIOUSLY DEMOCRATS, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S WATER, HARD TO

  • TELL.

  • AQUA MAN, PERSONAL FRIEND, GREAT GUY.

  • PROBABLY.

  • PROBABLY.

  • (APPLAUSE) THERE IS EVEN A PICTURE.

  • >> I COLORED THESE MYSELF.

  • THESE ARE ALL-- THESE ARE ALL PLACEMATS.

  • I HAD THEM-- I HAD THEM-- CAN YOU PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP.

  • THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF A T-REX, LITTLE HANDS, LIKE THIS,

  • LIKE-- (APPLAUSE)

  • LIKE THIS.

  • >> Stephen: EVERYTHING IS IN HERE.

  • I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT THE OFFICIAL DEFINING HUNDRED DAYS

  • INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE RIGHT HERE ON CBS WITH THE NATION FACE

  • HIMSELF JOHN DICKERSON YESTERDAY.

  • AND HE STARTED OFF WITH NORTH KOREA.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU AND THE ADMINISTRATION SAID TO NORTH

  • KOREA, DON'T TEST A MISSILE.

  • THEY HAVE TESTED A MISSILE.

  • IS THE PRESSURE NOT WORKING?

  • >> WELL, I DIDN'T SAY DON'T TEST A MISSILE.

  • HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO DO WHAT HE HAS TO DO.

  • >> Stephen: SO YOU ARE OFFICIAL POLICY IS, YOU DO YOU.

  • WHAT CAN I SAY, HITLER GONNA HITLER.

  • KIM JONG GONNAU N.

  • >> THEN OUR FRIEND JOHN DICKERSON ASKED TRUMP WHAT HE

  • THOUGHT OF KIM JONG UN.

  • >> I CAN TELL IT YOU THIS, A THE LO OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHEN I

  • SAY IT IT HE WAS A YOUNG MAN OF 26 OR 27 WHEN HE TOOK OVER FROM

  • HIS FATHER.

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE, I'M SURE, TRIED TO TAKE THAT POWER AWAY.

  • WHETHER IT IT WAS HIS UNCLE OR ANYBODY ELSE.

  • AND HE WAS ABLE TO DO IT.

  • SO OBVIOUSLY HE'S A PRETTY SMART COOKIE.

  • >> Stephen: SO, TRUMP THINKS-- NO, NO, TRUMP THINGS

  • KIM JONG UNIS A SMART COOKIE TO WHICH ALL OF NORTH KOREA

  • REPLIED, COOKIE?

  • HE'S A MONSTER.

  • THE POINT IS HE IS A MONSTER.

  • FAT LITTLE MONSTER.

  • NOW DICKERSON GAMELY TRIED TO GET TRUMP TO COMMIT TO RELEASING

  • HIS TAX RETURN FINALLY BUT IT IT WAS THE SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE

  • ABOUT UNDER AUDIT.

  • SO I WOULD LIKE TO REPHRASE THE QUESTION.

  • MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURNS AS A

  • METAPHOR FOR YOUR PENIS.

  • >> I HAVE A VERY BIG TAX RETURN.

  • YOU'VE SEEN THE PICTURE, MY TAX RETURN IS PROBABLY HIGHER THAN

  • THAT, FROM THE FLOOR.

  • WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE'S TAX RETURN, EVEN OTHER WEALTHY

  • PEOPLE, THEIR TAX RETURN IS THIS THING.

  • MY TAX RETURN IS THIS HIGH.

  • >> Stephen: WE GET IT.

  • YOU HAVE A HUGE TAX RETURN.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICE, A FULL RELEASE.

  • PLAWTION (APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: THERE ST. SORRY-- SO I HEARD.

  • I WOULDN'T KNOW.

  • I'M FLAT ERRED BUT I'M NOT INTO THAT SCENE.

  • LATER IN THE SAME INTERVIEW TRUMP GAVE DICKERSON A TOUR OF

  • THE OVAL OFFICE.

  • >> THIS IS THE RESOLUTE DESK T SAY GREAT DESK WITH A PHENOMENAL

  • HISTORY.

  • THIS WAS FDR, IT WAS RONALD REAGAN, IT WAS KENNEDY.

  • THERE ARE SOME GREAT PRESIDENTS BEHIND THIS DESK.

  • >> Stephen: HE YES, AND IF YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO IT LIKE A SEA

  • SHELL, YOU CAN HEAR ALL OF THEM ROLLING IN THEIR GRAVE.

  • AND PRESIDENT TRUMP-- (APPLAUSE)

  • AND PRESIDENT TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT VISITORS ARE AWED BY THE

  • POWER OF THE OVAL OFFICE.

  • >> IN ONE CASE I WON'T SAY WHO, SOMEBODY YOU KNOW VERY WELL, THE

  • HEAD OF A MAJOR, MAJOR COMPANY.

  • THE PERSON CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.

  • THIS IS A TOUGH PERSON, BY THE WAY.

  • CAME INTO THE OVAL OFFICE AND STARTED TO CRY.

  • >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, IF I CAME TO THE OVAL OFFICE AND

  • SAW YOU SITTING BEHIND THE DESK, I WOULD CRY TOO.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: NOW THERE WAS A NICE MOMENT WHEN JOHN DICKERSON

  • TALKED ABOUT SOME PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS THOUGHTS WITH TRUMP,

  • OTHER MEN WHO HAVE STOOD IN THAT ROOM AND THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT

  • THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PRESIDENCIMENT BUT I'M NOT QUITE

  • CLEAR SURE THAT DONALD TRUMP UNDERSTOOD THE MESSAGEMENT

  • GEORGE W. BUSH SAID THE REASON THE OVAL OFFICE IS ROUND IS

  • THERE ARE NO CORNERS YOU CAN BEHIND IN.

  • >> IN IS TRUTH TO THAT.

  • THERE ARE CERTAINLY NO CORNERS.

  • >> Jon: WAIT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW.

  • I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT HE MEANT.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, LET'S BE POSITIVE.

  • AT LEAST HE KNOWS HIS SHAPES.

  • HE KNOWS OVAL, OKAY.

  • HE KNOWS THE PENTAGON.

  • AND RHOMBUS, BECAUSE IT'S REINCE PRIEBUS' MIDDLE NAME, REINCE

  • RHOMBUS PRIEBUS.

  • AND OT SUBJECT OF PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, DICKERSON ASKED

  • TRUMP IF HE STILL STANDS BY CLAIMS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA

  • WIRETAPPED HIM.

  • >> DO YOU STAND BY THAT CLAIM.

  • >> I DON'T STAND BY ANYTHING.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

  • HE DOESN'T STAND BY ANYTHING, EXCEPT THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR AT

  • MISS U.S.A. PAGEANT.

  • (APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: WHO NEEDS SOME LOTION.

  • BUT BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT JOKE.

  • BUT DICKERSON ASKED HIS QUESTION ANYWAY.

  • >> BUT I'M ASKING YOU.

  • BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT.

  • >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME.

  • >> WHY NOT?

  • >> BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS AM YOU CAN HAVE YOUR

  • OWN OPINIONS.

  • >> BUT I WANT TO KNOW YOUR OPINIONS, YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT

  • OF THE UNITED STAITLE.

  • >> THAT'S ENOUGH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> Stephen: CAN'T TALK ANY MORE, NO, CAN'T TALK ANY MORE.

  • IMPORTANT-- IMPORTANT PRESIDENCY WORK HERE.

  • GOT TO PRESIDENT ALL OVER THESE PAPERS HERE.

  • LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE, WHAT THIS, YES, STILL PAPER, STILL BLANK

  • PAPER, NOTHING ON THERE, LET'S SEE, LET ME READ THIS

  • PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING.

  • YEAH, I GOT THE BRIEFING RIGHT HERE.

  • I GOT THE BRIEFING, YES, IT'S TRUE, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

  • >> Stephen: YES, OH, OH, YEAH, SORRY, JOHN, CAN'T TALK, GOT

  • TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING, GOT TO-- GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT

  • THE NATION OF CHARMINISTAN, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

  • WE MUST WIPE THEM OFF THE MAP, UH-HUH.

  • IS DICKERSON STILL OVER THERE, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK.

  • IS HE STILL-- BRRRING, BRR,ING, SORRY, HELLO, HELLO, YES, A VERY

  • SECURE PHONE, YES, THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.

  • JOHN, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL, IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF ASIA

  • CALLING.

  • HELLO.

  • REALLY IMPORTANT, SWRON, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'VE GOT A BANANA IN

  • MY EAR.

  • OBVIOUSLY I'M JOKING.

  • SOMETHING WAS ON THAT PAPER.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • DO WE HAVE A REVERSE SHOT, JIM?

  • YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

  • BUT I GOT TO SAY, WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE WASN'T

  • EVEN THE PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST INSULT TO JOHN DICKERSON.

  • >> AND I THINK ACTUALLY I'VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT.

  • YOU KNOW, IT IS VERY FUNNY WHEN THE FAKE MEDIA GOES OUT, WHICH

  • WE CALL THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA, WHICH SOMETIMES I MUST SAY IS

  • YOU.

  • >> YOU MEAN ME PERSONALLY.

  • >> WELL, YOUR SHOW, I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

  • I CALL IT DEFACE THE NATION.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY.

  • DONALD TRUMP-- JOHN DICKERSON IS A FAIR-MINDED JOURNALIST.

  • AND ONE THE MOST COMPETENT PEOPLE WHO WILL EVER WALK INTO

  • YOUR OFFICE AND YOU TREAT HIM LIKE THAT?

  • NOW, JOHN DICKERSON HAS WAY TOO MUCH DIGNITY TO TRADE INSULTS

  • WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO HIS FACE.

  • BUT I, SIR, AM NO JOHN DICKERSON.

  • (APPLAUSE) AND WHEN YOU, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,

  • LET ME INTRODUCE YOU, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO SOMETHING WE

  • CALL THE TIFFANY WAY.

  • WHEN YOU INSULT ONE MEIVE THE CBS FAMILY, YOU INSULT US ALL,

  • BA ZYNGA, ALL RIGHT.

  • HERE WE GO, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> Jon: GET THE GLOVES OFF.

  • >> Stephen: MR. TRUMP, YOUR PRESIDENCY, I LOVE YOUR

  • PRESIDENCY.

  • I CALL IT IT DES GRACE THE NATION.

  • -- YOU ARE NOT THE POTUS, ARE YOU THE BLOTUS, ARE YOU THE GLUT

  • ON WITH THE BUTTON.

  • ARE YOU A REGULAR GORGE WASHINGTON.

  • ARE YOU THE PRESI-DUNCE, BUT ARE TURN ITING TOO A REAL PRIK-TALT

  • TATOR.

  • SIR, YOU ATTRACT MORE SKIN HEADS THAN FREE ROGAINE.

  • YOU HAVE MORE PEOPLE MARCHING AGAINST YOU THAN CANCER.

  • YOU TALK LIKE A SIGN LANGUAGE GORILLA WHO GOT HID IN THE HEAD.

  • IN FACT THE ONLY THING YOUR MOUTH IS GOOD FOR IS BEING A

  • PUTTIN'S [BLEEP] HOLSTER.

  • YOUR PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, IS GOING TO BE A KID'S MENU AN A

  • COUPLE OF JU GG'S MAGAZINE.

  • THE ONLY THING SMALLER THAN YOUR HANDS IS YOUR TAX RETURN.

  • AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT ANYWAY YOU WANT.

  • WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • CHRIS PRATT IS HERE. NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON.

  • WHEN YOU COME BACK, I WILL BE RIGHT HERE WITH HISTORY LESSONS

  • FOR DONALD TRUMP.

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOWMENT I'M YOUR HOST,

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This Monologue Goes Out To You, Mr. President

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    Eddie Chen posted on 2017/05/03
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