Full court blitz…that's what that's called, right?

Anyway, to marry, settle down, and start our lives. As if my life has not started yet.

My pestering, traditionally-valued mother has it cast in stone that I'm practically an old maid at 24.

But I've done my research! The majority of marriages occur significantly after 25 and they tend to be happier and longer.

And the children of those marriages tend to live happier and more stable lives.

I have done the research!

My mother has never been particularly interested in rational thought. She thinks ghosts cause power outages.

My name is Lizzie Bennet, I am single, and that is perfectly okay.

"Single and Happyish" Written by Daryn Strauss

As it is no surprise to any of you, my mom has been preparing me for marriage my entire life. I didn't turn out quite as she expected.

My Lizzie is quite the strange one. All that readin', writin', and studyin'. And that mouth of hers.

And when I was seven, my mom dressed me as a spinster for Halloween. A spinster.

Yeah, trying explaining what a spinster is to your second grade classmates. Who does that?

Charlotte: You weren't a spinster that year. You were a witch.

Lizzie: Nope. Definitely a spinster. Charlotte: Why would any mom dress her daughter up as a spinster?

Lizzie: To traumatize her into dedicating her life to find a husband. Are you not listening? So anyway--

Charlotte: No. No, that's not it. I was there, too. You were a witch, and a very loud one at that.

Lizzie: I had an old shawl, a broom, and a warty hag face as a mask. Charlotte: Yeah, exactly. A witch.

Lizzie: Anyway, so I proposed to Rick Collins just to shut her up. Charlotte: I remember that. That was so cute.

Lizzie: Closest I've ever gotten, according to my mother.

I would have married the little bugger, but his kickball games conflicted with arts and crafts.

I never was kickballer wife material anyway.

Which is good, because Rick Collins grew up to be kind of a dick. Turns out he got engaged the other day. And guess who told me?

If Mrs. Collins' dickheaded son is off the market, there's not gonna be anyone left for her to marry!

What she doesn't understand is that what makes me happy and what makes her happy are two very different things.

All life doesn't revolve around men anymore!

I can get a PhD! I can run a company! I can get one of those crappy mortgages and put myself in horrible, debilitating debt.

I mean…more horrible, debilitating debt.

So you can chill out mom, cuz I don't need a husband.

Charlotte: But you are still living at home.

Lizzie: Buzzkill.