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  • -Evening, everybody. How we doing tonight?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, that was a real grab in the [bleep]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And...

  • I'm sorry to use foul language like that,

  • but last I checked,

  • the Electoral College seems to be fine with it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know, we've been talking about Donald Trump

  • on this show for 18 months,

  • and one of the things I've tried to make clear

  • over those 18 months

  • is how I've been wrong about him at every turn.

  • When he first came down the escalator at Trump Tower

  • and announced,

  • I boldly said on this show it was a stunt

  • and he would never really run.

  • I then said he would never win the GOP nomination.

  • And I certainly didn't think he would be our next president.

  • But the good news is,

  • based on this pattern of me being wrong

  • on every one of my Donald Trump predictions,

  • he's probably gonna be a great [bleep] president.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Let's just hope this trajectory holds.

  • Anyways, I think --

  • I was not alone in watching the election last night.

  • My wife and I went to watch the election returns

  • at a friend's house.

  • And before we left, we put our 8-month-old son to bed.

  • And I was holding him, and I said to him,

  • "When you wake up tomorrow morning,

  • we might have our first female president."

  • And then when we came home around midnight,

  • I, uh, went into his room, shook his crib until he woke up,

  • and screamed, "We have to get out of here!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then my wife pointed out that wasn't productive,

  • and she was right.

  • I'm willing to admit that she was right.

  • So, I re-calibrated, and I told him that,

  • for the first time in our history,

  • our president would be a steak salesman.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And that seemed to calm him down.

  • Then we got into bed,

  • my wife and I and our dog, Frisbee,

  • who is a seven-pound Italian greyhound.

  • She jumped into bed with us.

  • And usually she provides great comfort to us,

  • but last night, Frisbee was skittish,

  • because being Italian,

  • she doesn't know if she gets to stay.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So...

  • We had to calm her down, too.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • But I will say this morning, I realized how lucky we were,

  • because an 8-month-old was the perfect age child to have,

  • because while my wife and I were sitting at the kitchen table,

  • solemnly talking about what all of this meant,

  • he was just happily going to town on a pear.

  • We cut up a piece of pear.

  • We're discussing the future of the Supreme Court,

  • and he was just smiling and eating that pear.

  • And you could tell he was thinking,

  • "I don't know what you two are talking about,

  • but I'm with pear."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But I -- With that said, I do really feel for the parents

  • who had to explain this to their kids this morning,

  • especially parents with daughters,

  • because a lot of them, like me,

  • probably thought Hillary would be our first woman president,

  • but she won't be.

  • But that does mean --

  • That does mean that someone's daughter is out there right now

  • who will one day have that title.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And...

  • Maybe -- Maybe you're a woman who's currently a senator.

  • Maybe you're still in college.

  • Hopefully you're not a toddler, but who knows.

  • With the way things went last night, who knows?

  • The fact is, we don't know who you are,

  • but I imagine this moment today will be a defining one for you,

  • one that will make you work harder and strive farther.

  • And whoever you are,

  • I hope I live to see your inauguration.

  • And I hope my mom does, too.

  • Uh, she was really excited yesterday.

  • And, um...

  • I was really sad for her.

  • My mom's name happens to be Hillary.

  • It hasn't always been that.

  • She just changes it to whatever...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...to whatever Democrat's running for president.

  • It's really weird.

  • Had to call her Barack for eight years.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But good news to our first woman president,

  • whoever you are, wherever you are.

  • You may have been rooting for Hillary,

  • but now you can still be the first woman president.

  • And first is so much better than second.

  • That is the difference

  • between George Washington and John Adams.

  • You either end up on money

  • or Paul Giamatti plays you in a movie.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • So, go. Go get it.

  • Whoever you are, wherever you are, go get it.

  • I felt a lot of emotions last night and into today --

  • some sadness, some anger, some fear.

  • But I'm also aware

  • that those are the same emotions a lot of Trump supporters felt,

  • emotions that led them to make their choice,

  • and it would be wrong for me to think my emotions

  • are somehow more authentic than their emotions.

  • We are always better as a society

  • when we have empathy for one another,

  • so I would just say --

  • I would like to say to those Trump voters,

  • congratulations.

  • I sincerely hope he addresses your concerns.

  • I sincerely hope that if you felt forgotten,

  • he won't forget you now.

  • As a white man, I also know that any emotions that I'm feeling

  • are likely a fraction of those being felt

  • by the LGBTQ community, African Americans,

  • Hispanic Americans, Muslim Americans,

  • and any number of the immigrant community

  • so vital to our country.

  • So, hopefully,

  • the Trump administration and Trump supporters

  • will be compassionate to them,

  • because they need your compassion.

  • And in general, I am hopeful for President Trump,

  • because hope is always the best possible path to take.

  • And one thing that makes me hopeful

  • is we know from interviews he's given over the years

  • that he has, at any given point,

  • held every position on every issue.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He's been pro-choice, pro-life,

  • for the Iraq war, against the Iraq war.

  • Pretty much his only consistent position

  • has been anti-Rosie O'Donnell.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, I'm hopeful that he's not actually a racist

  • and that he just used racist rhetoric to court voters.

  • Because when you're courting someone,

  • you're always willing to pretend you're something you're not.

  • For example, when you first start dating someone,

  • you'll agree to go apple picking.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You'll take cute pictures,

  • and maybe when you get home, you'll bake a pie together.

  • But once you're officially a couple,

  • you're not going apple picking anymore.

  • And when they ask you why,

  • you say, "Because I hate apple picking.

  • I was just pretending I liked it to trick you."

  • And let me make it clear.

  • I am in no way trying to say

  • that racism is as bad as apple picking.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • But again...

  • I can't stress how wrong I've been about the Trump campaign.

  • Just to give you a sense of how wrong,

  • this past June, when Trump was behind in the polls,

  • we made him an offer that if he dropped out,

  • NBC would give him a 13-episode show

  • where he could play a fictional president.

  • Now, because the show was on NBC,

  • it would have to be called "Chicago President."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And we thought he'd jump at the opportunity,

  • because we thought he might not actually want to be president.

  • Well, after last night's results,

  • I just want to say to Donald Trump...

  • Our offer still stands.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Come on.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You didn't think --

  • You didn't think you were gonna win this thing, either,

  • and I'm guessing that right now, you are spinning out.

  • You're probably looking at a map of the United States

  • and thinking, "Wait.

  • How long does this wall have to be?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And I can't imagine

  • the people you had to call this morning to say,

  • "Hey, I guess Trump TV is on hold for now.

  • Why? Because I have to be the president."

  • Not to mention the fact

  • that you're gonna have to give Rudy Giuliani a job

  • and then hang out with him.

  • And I don't have to tell you this -- He is bat[bleep] crazy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Look, just --

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You'll come up with something.

  • Just tell people you have health issues and can't do the job.

  • Because, for the last year,

  • we've only seen you eating out of bowls and buckets.

  • We will believe that.

  • So, we are upping our offer to a 22-episode order,

  • and we're giving you the coveted 10:00 p.m. Monday slot,

  • which means you'll be on right after "The Voice."

  • And this offer stands until inauguration day.

  • Think about it.

  • Now...

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • If you are a Hillary supporter, last night was rough,

  • but there are a few good pieces of news.

  • Tammy Duckworth, an Asian-American war hero,

  • was elected to the Senate in Illinois.

  • In Minnesota, former refugee Ilhan Omar

  • became the first Somali-American lawmaker in history.

  • And in California --

  • Yeah.

  • And in California,

  • they legalized recreational weed,

  • and not a minute too soon.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Plus, legalizing recreational weed in California

  • immediately cured everyone in the state of their glaucoma.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Uh, demacr-- Excuse me.

  • Democracy is a fantastic thing,

  • even when it doesn't go your way.

  • It gives everyone in America a voice,

  • and last night, those voices spoke.

  • So, I want to say to President-Elect Trump,

  • congratulations.

  • To Melania and the new First Family, congratulations.

  • And to Vladimir Putin and everyone in Russia

  • [speaking Russian]

  • [ Applause ]

  • In closing...

  • Donald Trump made a lot of promises

  • as to what he's gonna do in the next four years,

  • and now we get to see if he will,

  • if he can fulfill them,

  • and so I'd just like to make one promise to him.

  • We here at "Late Night" will be watching you.

  • We'll be right back.

-Evening, everybody. How we doing tonight?

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