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  • "Push the button and see how a giant meteor

  • caused the extinction of the dinosaurs." Hm.

  • Until this moment

  • I had trouble visualizing it.

  • If aliens helped build the pyramids

  • where are they now?

  • Did they just leave?

  • You know what they say.

  • History is written by the winners.

  • Let me out of this damn thing!

  • Please, someone!

  • "Push the button to simulate the storm

  • that brought Amelia Earhart's plane down."

  • [YELLING]

  • No! Not again!

  • Oh, God! Make it stop!

  • It looks very realistic.

  • You don't think that's the real Amelia Earhart, do you?

  • Yes, I think the museum found her on an island

  • and put her in this exhibit.

  • Same thing happened to King Kong.

  • It's not that unusual.

  • Come on.

  • All right.

  • EARHART: Nooooo! Stop!

  • Above you are the billions of stars

  • that make up our universe.

  • Or so we used to think.

  • We now know those lights

  • are an armada of alien ships coming to destroy the earth.

  • Are there any questions?

  • Yeah. What's a black hole?

  • Well, my career would be one example.

  • Any other questions?

  • Better not ask him anything about Uranus.

  • I think I've seen enough.

  • There's only so much learning you can pack into one day.

  • EARHART: No! Confounded little dog!

  • Somebody help me for mercy's sake!

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Can I ask you a question?

  • That's why I'm here.

  • Why don't I ever see

  • any other garbage men in this city?

  • It's always you.

  • I like to work alone.

  • That's impossible.

  • One garbage man cannot handle the whole city.

  • I have shortcuts.

  • Shortcuts?

  • What possible shortcuts

  • would let one person handle the whole...?

  • [RUMBLING AND ELECTRIC CRACKLING]

  • Well, maybe we'll pick this conversation up later.

  • [music]

  • So tell me more about the many, many ways

  • in which the Stuntmaster Six Oh Oh Oh

  • can give me the workout of a lifetime?

  • [LECHEROUS CHUCKLE]

  • Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

  • Uh-huh.

  • Four easy payments of money will order yours today.

  • I'm losing consciousness...

  • And yet I'm still aroused.

  • [BUZZING]

  • BOSS: Input, people, input.

  • But remember it's already in the can

  • and we can't change it.

  • If I may use a sports analogy,

  • you've really hit the goalpost on that one.

  • Yes, I guess I did.

  • I watched it only once

  • and already I want to date that model

  • and suffer a head trauma.

  • Why, thank you, Loud Howard.

  • You humble me.

  • I've said it before and I'll say it again...

  • What?

  • That's as far as I ever get.

  • Dilbert, you seem strangely silent.

  • Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect

  • and dare I say, awe?

  • Yes, you could interpret it that way.

  • I'm blushing now.

  • But I can't help wondering.

  • Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves

  • with the informercial?

  • We haven't even tested

  • the new version of the Gruntmaster 6000.

  • We're doing that now.

  • We're sending it to a typical family

  • for consumer field testing.

  • That's impossible.

  • There's only one version

  • of the new Gruntmaster in existence,

  • and it's sitting in my design lab.

  • That thing's not ready for human testing.

  • We haven't even lab tested the technology.

  • Oh, calm down.

  • We'll do that after.

  • The graviton generator alone is very sensitive.

  • [MOCKING TONE] "The graviton generator alone is very sensitive."

  • Quit your whining, missy.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?

  • STEPHEN HAWKING: If anyone were foolish enough

  • to build a graviton generator,

  • it would surely create a black hole

  • that would annihilate the entire solar system.

  • Well, I don't know what's the worst thing

  • that could happen,

  • but when you start distorting the fabric of space and time,

  • stretching and enfolding upon itself...

  • [SNORING]

  • Nice try, but I don't think you bored him quite to death.

  • Excellent, Dilbert.

  • Nice going, Dil. Just great.

  • music Camptown ladies Sing this song music

  • music Doo-dah, doo-dah music

  • What are you waiting for, ladies?

  • Start singing.

  • Carol said since he hit his head

  • he's been talking in his sleep.

  • Come on, let's get out of here before he wakes up.

  • Wait. Let's just hear what he says next.

  • [SNORING]

  • Boom!

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Cooked by explosion.

  • music When you walk Through a storm music

  • music Hold your head up high music

  • Then you'll trip and fall on your ass in the mud.

  • [SNIFFING]

  • Is that smoke?

  • Wally, what are you doing?

  • Well, I wanted to make some popcorn,

  • but somebody was using the microwave

  • and the printer has that heater thing in it

  • that makes the paper warm, and...

  • [SCREAMS]

  • Cooked by explosion.

  • Didn't the boss say that?

  • Yeah, but he was just babbling.

  • Or was he?

  • What are you saying,

  • that he predicted this would happen?

  • I don't know. Am I?

  • Predicting the future is impossible.

  • Is it?

  • Yes. It violates causality.

  • There is no way to know something will occur

  • until it occurs.

  • Or is there?

  • If you don't stop asking rhetorical questions

  • I'm going to kill you.

  • Are you?

  • On the other hand,

  • it'd be a pretty big coincidence

  • if the boss just happened to mention an explosion

  • right before it happened.

  • Alice, I think he's dead.

  • [COUGHING]

  • Oh, man, I was in the tunnel.

  • I neglected to mention

  • the one glitch with the infomercial.

  • We have to do it all over.

  • I had to fire the babe.

  • Why?

  • Depends whose story you believe.

  • Mine or the truth.

  • I feel like I've seen this popcorn before.

  • This might be a case of deja food.

  • [WHISTLING "CAMPTOWN RACES"]

  • DILBERT: I can't believe it.

  • I can't believe they sent the Gruntmaster out

  • to some defenseless family for testing.

  • Do you realize the potential for disaster?

  • Do you realize--?

  • The mute button only works on the TV.

  • It was worth a shot.

  • We didn't even have the instruction manual written yet.

  • That graviton generator is a bit unpredictable.

  • I only hope and pray

  • they found a smart family to test that thing.

  • Otherwise, we may be in grave trouble.

  • Eat your possum, Dory Ann,

  • or you ain't gettin' another one.

  • That tain't no possum, Pa.

  • That's a raccoon.

  • It just looks like a raccoon

  • because of the tire marks.

  • I believe there's been some mistake.

  • I forgive you all

  • and now I must bid you all adieu.

  • You better hurry up and run him over again.

  • Are you sassing me, young 'un?

  • I got half a mind...

  • You say you got half a mind.

  • You mind your manners, Lucas

  • or the Baby Jesus will come down here right now

  • and beat the living tar out of y'all.

  • I tain't afraid of no Baby Jesus.

  • Bring him on.

  • I'll bring him on, you little whippersnapper!

  • He'll do you what for.

  • He won't neither.

  • Quiet.

  • [TRUCK APPROACHING]

  • Get the gun.

  • Morons.

  • [SCREAMS]

  • I told you this WAS STOP AND THIS was keep going.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • music Pardon me, boy music

  • music Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo? music

  • I apologize. Pardon me, sir.

  • Track 29?

  • Thank you very much.

  • Dilbert, this is stupid.

  • He's been talking nonsense for years

  • and no one thought he was psychic before.

  • The only difference now is he has his eyes closed.

  • Squiddler's patch...

  • Tay-has.

  • The darkness engulfs us.

  • The hole... The hole in space... In time...

  • The void... The abyss from which no light escapes...

  • From which no life escapes.

  • music Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee music

  • music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music

  • music Fiddle dee dum And fiddle dee dee music

  • music Little brown jug, Oh, you're for me music

  • As long as it's filled with plenty of booze.

  • Let's see what the Skeptic Society has to say about this.

  • [PHONE RINGING]

  • MAN: I assume this is Alice,

  • the woman I met at the Skeptic Society dinner.

  • How did you do that?

  • That's incredible.

  • [CHUCKLES]

  • A magician never gives away his secrets.

  • Well, the reason I called...

  • Is because you want me to debunk

  • your boss's alleged psychic claims.

  • Wow! At least tell me how you did that one.

  • Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut. Wish I could.

  • All right, so when can you get here?

  • Are you telling me that was a trick too?

  • Yes, Alice, a good magician can duplicate any trick

  • done by a so-called psychic or mentalist.

  • For example, watch this.

  • [music]

  • [GROWLING]

  • Huh? Aaah!

  • Down! Whoops.

  • [ELECTRIC SPARKING]

  • Lucas, if you break it

  • the Baby Jesus will take you to hell

  • and burn you like a pork chop for eternity.

  • [GASPING AND WHIMPERING]

  • What the...? I ain't never seed...

  • Lawdy! That don't look right.

  • RADIO ANNOUNCER: You've just been listening to a song.

  • I was on the phone, so I have no idea what it was.

  • Now the news.

  • We take you to our sister station

  • K That's All We Could Think Of,

  • Squiddler's Patch, Texas.

  • [EERIE WHOOSHING]

  • Oh, my God!

  • My worst fear has come true.

  • You mean a pregnant spider crawled up your nose

  • while you were sleeping and laid eggs in your head?

  • Okay, my second worst fear.

  • That you'll destroy the world

  • with one of your inventions?

  • Yes.

  • Dogbert, we've got to go

  • to Squiddler's Patch immediately.

  • music I dream of Jeannie With the light yeller hair music

  • music Floating like a vapor In the soft summer air music

  • [SNIFFING]

  • Whoa, that's no vapor.

  • Wally, don't tell me you've bought into this scam.

  • It's my ultimate fantasy.

  • Everyone is bald and poorly dressed.

  • And if you hadn't noticed,

  • no one is doing anything that looks like work.

  • Ah, it's utopia.

  • Not for long.

  • I brought a world-famous skeptic to debunk that fraud.

  • Wally, meet The Amazing Rudolph.

  • Please, call me "The."

  • I don't do that.

  • Forget the chitchat. Get to work.

  • People, I am The Amazing Rudolph

  • and I will show you how easily a skilled magician

  • can reproduce any of these so-called psychic tricks.

  • All: Ooh... Aah...

  • [MUFFLED SCREAMING]

  • Whoops.

  • He's a witch!

  • No, just a skilled illusionist.

  • That is my point.

  • If you're just an illusionist,

  • tell us how you made the bird appear.

  • A magician never reveals his tricks.

  • I'm bound by the magician's code of ethics.

  • Well, that's awfully convenient, isn't it?

  • That sounds like something a witch would say.

  • Kill the witch!

  • music She was the daughter Of Rosie O'Grady music

  • music A regular Old-fashioned gal music

  • With one important distinction.

  • Listen, he wants us to go to Texas

  • and throw the witch in the black hole.

  • [ANGRY SHOUTING]

  • He didn't say that!

  • I know, but I've always wanted to go to Texas.

  • [SPUTTERING]

  • People, I can't give away my trade secrets,

  • but perhaps I can give you a hint.

  • All right, I'll tell you!

  • I'll tell you everything!

  • Nah, forget it.

  • Now we'd rather throw you in the hole.

  • Come on. I ain't got all day.

  • DILBERT: That's a good sign.

  • I heard you can tell a place is okay

  • if the truckers eat there.

  • [BELCHING LOUDLY]

  • I guess "'scuse me" just ain't gonna cut it.

  • No.

  • So, what can I get you fellers to swaller?

  • Could we see a menu?

  • This ain't Paris, boy.

  • Okay. Give us two

  • of whatever you've touched the least.

  • Two soaps.

  • Make that one.

  • Hey...

  • What's happening to my cup?

  • Hey, what the...?

  • Hey, Eustas.

  • What's making everything all stretchy?

  • I ain't paying for this here gas.

  • I'd say Squiddler's Patch is thattaway.

  • I'll meet you at the black hole.

  • I think we need some help.

  • [music]

  • Professor Stephen Hawking, please.

  • [SIGHS]

  • Sign here, if you would.

  • Thank you.

  • Send up Professor Hawking straightaway.

  • WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Here he comes.

  • [SLIDING AND THUD]

  • Here you are...

  • One Nobel-prize-winning Lucasian professor of mathematics,

  • expert on all astrophysical phenomena

  • and black holes in particular.

  • Hello, Dogbert.

  • Hey, Steve.

  • Will there be anything else?

  • How do I move him around?

  • Oh...terribly sorry.

  • Just use this.

  • REPORTERS: Dilbert! Over here! Mr. Dilbert!

  • I'll answer any engineering or scientific questions

  • about the black hole phenomenon.

  • Has anyone famous

  • ever had sexual relations near a black hole?

  • Not that I know of.

  • Then you don't deny

  • that someone famous has had sexual relations

  • near a black hole?

  • Does anyone have a question about the science?

  • There's nothing here.

  • Wow! You're Stephen Hawking!

  • I read your book.

  • Did you buy it or read it in the library?

  • I think I borrowed it.

  • You cheap bastard.

  • Boys, please.

  • Can we focus on this black hole problem?

  • There is no rush.

  • As long as nothing disturbs the singularity,

  • the hole will grow very slowly.

  • [SCREAMING]

  • We're screwed.

  • Come on, Wally. Dance with us.

  • I don't hold hands.

  • I'm only in it for fashion reasons.

  • Come on!

  • Ohhh....

  • [GROUP CHANTING AND PLAYING TAMBOURINE]

  • WALLY: Wow. I've never felt so alive.

  • Check that. Oh...

  • Wally!

  • Wally is gone!

  • Don't thank me.

  • Thank the black hole.

  • Someone must go into the singularity

  • and stop whatever caused the black hole

  • in the first place.

  • It's a simple case of wormhole travel

  • using a shortcut in space-time.

  • Well, you listen, you pick up a few things.

  • But he was my friend!

  • It's all my fault.

  • I caused this to happen.

  • I'm going in after him.

  • Isn't anyone going to stop me?

  • No. Go ahead. Jump.

  • MAN 3: Knock yourself out.

  • Just...let me get my breath.

  • This is a big step.

  • DILBERT: Lots of unknowns.

  • [WHEELS SQUEALING]

  • Peril beyond belief.

  • One small step for...

  • [HOLLERING]

  • BOSS: Dilbert?

  • You seem strangely silent.

  • Shall I interpret that as a sign of deep respect

  • and, dare I say, awe?

  • Yes, you could interpret it that way.

  • Oh...I'm blushing now.

  • But I can't help wondering

  • aren't we getting ahead of ourselves

  • with the infomercial?

  • We haven't even tested the new version

  • of the Gruntmaster 6000.

  • We're doing that now.

  • We're sending it to a typical family

  • for consumer field-testing.

  • That's impossible!

  • There's only one...

  • It's in my...

  • Would you excuse me?

  • [PHONE RINGS]

  • Yes?

  • The door's locked?

  • Oh, well, in that case...

  • [SNORES LOUDLY]

  • music Shine on, shine on Harvest moon music

  • music Up in the sky music

  • music I ain't had No lovin' since... music

  • [MUMBLING]

  • January 30, 1955?!

  • Huh.

  • ...and the farmer's daughter

  • says, "I see you've met my cat."

  • [LAUGHING] [ELECTRONIC LAUGH]

  • Hey, what's so funny?

  • Nothing.

  • Is it garbage day again?

  • It's always garbage day somewhere.

  • Professor Hawking?

  • What are you doing here?

  • Isn't this several thousand miles out of your way?

  • Actually, it's a shortcut.

  • A shortcut?

  • My street is a shortcut to England?

  • Yes.

  • Will somebody explain to me

  • what's going on?

  • No. No. No.

  • Hey, I've got a copy of your book in my trunk.

  • Would you mind signing it?

  • I already signed it.

  • No, you didn't.

  • It's locked in my trunk.

  • I'll wager five dollars I already signed it.

  • You're on.

  • Hmm.

  • The joke's on him.

  • He'll never be able to collect the five.

  • You didn't really think you'd win a bet

  • with a Nobel-prize-winning

  • Lucasian professor of mathematics?

  • At least I didn't pay for his stupid book.

  • [music]

"Push the button and see how a giant meteor

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