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  • So the ability to turn down feedback and create boundaries is crucial to receiving feedback

  • well and really to creating healthy relationships. One of the paradoxes of receiving feedback

  • well is that in order to be able to say yes you also have to be able to say no. If you

  • can't say no to feedback what ends up happening is you're constantly saying yes and maybe

  • resentment builds up and then instead of actually engaging and having conversation, we might

  • just end up fleeing the relationship altogether because there's just too much pressure in

  • it.

  • So there are three boundaries that are useful. One is simply saying I'm willing to listen

  • to your thoughts and your advice but I may not take it. Another is saying the place that

  • I'm in right now, your advice is not helpful so I would prefer that you not give it to

  • me. And then the most stringent boundary is saying do not give me this advice and if you

  • continue to give me this advice I'm gonna have to leave the relationship or I'm gonna

  • have to -- there are gonna be some consequences that I have to impose.

  • So one key in turning down feedback is to use the word and. And what that really means

  • is to -- you can be firm in turning down feedback but also appreciate the potentially positive

  • intentions that someone has. Your friend or sibling may be giving you advice on dating,

  • so it's driving you crazy but their intention is positive. So you can say, you know, I understand

  • that you care about me and you love me and you want me to have a happy life. At the same

  • time, in other words and, and it's having a negative impact on me. So you can appreciate

  • the intention and then also turn down the actual feedback.

  • It's important when turning down feedback to be specific. Don't simply say, "You're

  • driving me crazy" or "Stop annoying me" or "Stop giving me feedback." Be explicit and

  • specific about the topic that is upsetting you. So, for example, if a friend is staying

  • with you over the weekend say, "If you're gonna stay here for the weekend I request

  • that you not give me advice about my parenting or that you not comment on my parenting."

  • And then explain why -- explain why it's upsetting. That gives the other person at least a fighting

  • chance of complying with what's important to you.

  • It's also useful to be specific about the timeframe. So is this your asking as you get

  • your feet under you as a new parent is this something that you just would like their complaints

  • the first few months that they not be badgering you or maybe it's your whole life. It's also

  • important if there are gonna be consequences, if you're thinking, "Gee, if you're gonna

  • continually give me advice about my parenting it's gonna cause me to try to avoid you sometimes

  • and that's upsetting for me as well as for you." So if that's the case, if you really

  • are gonna be avoiding the person they should know the potential consequences. And then

  • the last piece of it is to be, to get their ascent. In other words, to say, "So I've made

  • a request. Is it clear to you and is that something that you can agree to." And once

  • they've signed on they have a certain level of commitment to it so they can say, you know,

  • hopefully they say, "Yes, I won't mention your parenting style." And then if they do

  • it's easier for you to reference it as well.

  • So if I've decided that I'm not changing I've created a boundary. That's fine but we all

  • have a duty if we're living or working with other people we also have social interactions

  • with them and responsibilities toward them. So, for example, let's say you're my spouse

  • and you've been encouraging me to try some medication for ADD. And maybe I've tried or

  • maybe I've just decided I'm simply not going to, I don't like it. So you're setting a boundary.

  • You're giving me feedback. I'm not taking the feedback and that's your right. But at

  • the end of the day we also have the duty to think about the other person and to think

  • about -- so if I'm not gonna take the medication what can I do at least to make things better

  • for you.

  • So maybe each morning we'll go over a joint list of the tasks that need to get done today

  • and we'll just sort of problem solve together. What would be helpful to you? What's gonna

  • be helpful to me? And what might actually help the situation. You wanted me to take

  • medication. I'm not going to. That's the boundary but that doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility

  • to try to make things better for both of us.

So the ability to turn down feedback and create boundaries is crucial to receiving feedback

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