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The nice man has learnt not to say everything, that's why he seems so nice.
There is a lot going on in his mind that he's not quite allowing himself to express.
He'd rather be kind than entirely honest,
and feels, probably quite rightly that he can't really be both.
The nice man is intended on not being the lad or the bad boy.
He had enough of the macho rowdy behavior at school and never wants to be exposed to it again.
He's tender towards his mother and little sister.
He likes women a lot, as friends and not just as lovers
This makes it hard for him to live with the sides of himself that
seem focused on some pretty awkward priorities.
He is very easy to shame.
For example, when you are in a restaurant and you are explaining about
your aunt's recent operation, the doctors had to sew the whole tendon back together,
half of his attention at least will be on the waitress or
perhaps on one of the other diners.
He's haunted by the idea of a rapid meaningless encounter, possibly with one of your very best friends.
When you say that all those porn sites are revolting and humiliating for women and
what no-hope for those who go there might be,
he agrees wholeheartedly.
Then, with some guilt, spends many absurdly exciting hours on them when you're out.
The nice man is democratic, egalitarian and
deeply sympathetic to the feminist agenda.
And yet, in sexual fantasy he loves the idea of being tyrannical, bullying and really pretty rough.
He himself can't understand the disjuncture between competing parts of his nature.
He's spooked by the drastic switch in his value system that occurs the very second after orgasm.
A nice man is your brother, your father, your friend.
The nice man doesn't feel that he can be loved and reveal the true sources of his sexual excitement.
Without noticing or meaning to in any way you are silencing him.
It takes very little to keep the nice man quiet, he picks up on the slightest hint of
your displeasure and censors himself accordingly.
Maybe you are by now are thinking that the nice man isn't really nice at all, he is just a fake and and a phony.
But no, far from it, he truly is nice. It's just that niceness isn't what we might think it is.
Niceness isn't about having no harmful desires inside oneself,
it's about knowing how to keep these very quiet.
Niceness is, to a crucial extent, about secrecy. It's an achievement of repression.
Nice guys don't not have bad thoughts, they are just unusually commited to keeping them at
the level of muffled feelings rather than statements or actions.
The nice man wants to do everything to avoid paining those he loves with the more troubled sides of his imagination.
Of course, there is a price to be paid for all this niceness.
There's invariably a degree of buried resentment and distance whenever we aren't able to be fully ourselves.
This could get rather dangerous across decades.
It's clearly very hard for the partners of the nice to take onboard the darker sides of their lovers.
But if they're robust enough to dare to give them some attention the result can be an
extraordinary flowering of the relationship beyond anything yet experienced.
However close we may be to someone because they've been nice to us, it is nothing next to the
closeness we'll achieve if we allow them to show us without shaming or
humiliating them, what really isn't quite so nice about them.
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What Nice Men Don’t Say To Nice Women

55163 Folder Collection
Cindy Lou Fu published on September 13, 2016    Cindy Lou Fu translated    Chloe Tyan reviewed
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