Name: 【TEDx】The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU
Uploaded: 2016-07-19T04:04:57.000Z
Duration: 17 min 35 s
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Present continuous

To-infinitive

To be more precise, the sex-starved marriage.

Future simple

When I'm done, you'll know three things that you can do

to prevent it from happening in your life.

I've been specializing in work with 911 couples,

couples who are truly teetering on the brink of divorce.

I try to teach couples what they need to know

to resolve their differences and fall back in love,

and put their kids in bed at night together.

It's not an easy job, but I didn't choose my career,

You see, I grew up in an incredible family.

Two loving parents who never fought, two great brothers,

a large extended family with whom we spent every weekend

Until one fateful day, I was 16 years old and a senior in high school

and my mom called us all in for a family meeting,

that she'd been miserable for 23 years in her marriage

and she was getting a divorce from my father.

I remember the feeling of blood rushing from my body,

I'm leaving home, and my nest is falling apart."

Divorce not only ends a marriage, it dissolves a family.

The sadness about the break up of my family still lingers today.

Now, my parents' divorce affected me in a number of ways.

about learning everything I possibly could

about how to have a healthy, loving, lasting relationship,

so I could apply it in my own life with my own family,

And I'm very proud to say that one of my biggest accomplishments

is my nearly 40-year marriage to my husband, Jim.

And if you knew him, you'd know what an accomplishment this really is.

The other thing the divorce made me do, is be incredibly impassioned

about teaching what I know to anyone who crosses my path.

I'm not just talking about the couples in my practice.

or as a matter of fact, that's why I'm here right now.

I want to warn you about the inevitable pitfalls

A sex-starved marriage is one where one spouse is desperately longing

for more touch, more physical closeness, more sex, more physical affection,

and the other spouse is thinking, "What is the big deal?

Would you just get a life, it's just sex."

But to the spouse yearning for more sex and more touch, it's a huge deal,

because it really is about feeling wanted, about feeling loved, feeling connected,

about feeling masculine, or feminine and attractive.

When this major disconnect happens, what also happens

is that intimacy on all levels goes right out the door.

They stop sitting next to each other on the couch.

They quit laughing at each others' jokes.

And it places the marriage at risk of infidelity and divorce.

Some of the reasons that people have low desire

or an insatiable appetite for sex, are very complicated and deep-seated.

that the primary cause for a sex-starved marriage

And before I explain that solution, I really want to go on record for saying

that if you're sitting here, thinking low sexual desire is a women's issue,

Women do not have a corner on the low libido market.

I'm convinced that low desire in men is one of our very best-kept secrets.

Having said that, I want to also tell you about a little talked about fact,

the person with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship.

When I say that, I don't mean that this person

is intentionally mean-spirited, or unkind, or manipulative.

I just mean, if that person isn't interested in sex,

the partner may as well go take a cold shower,

I find this really curious on a couple of counts,

about how decisions are made in marriage,

whether to have kids, have to raise those kids,

what to do about finances, the in-laws, who is going to do what around the house,

but conspicuously missing from that mix is anything having to do with sex.

What's it like, the nature, the quality, the quantity.

I know couples who have been married for 20 to 30 years

The other thing that really amazes me, about this unilateral decision making,

is one person decides "no sex", and expects the partner to accept it,

not complain about it, and oh yes, you have to be monogamous.

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【TEDx】The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

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