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  • Why did you mail me a letter?

  • Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas Newsletter.

  • You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper.

  • You're kidding.

  • Don't worry, governor. I didn't mention your ongoing battle with the demon Rum.

  • As this wonderful year draws to an end

  • I send this note to family and friend

  • So thankful are we for Blessings Galore

  • Like Charlie's fiancée, a lady - not a whore

  • Keep reading!

  • And young master Jake is growing like a weed

  • He makes us all proud, not a waste of my seed

  • Keep going! Keep going!

  • He tried his darndest in every class and made tenth grade by the skin of his ass

  • See, I made a drawing of a little elf with his pants down.

  • What the hell is the matter with you? You're a grown man!

  • Oh come on, people love this stuff. Read! Read!

  • And our sweet mother Evelyn had a small operation

  • Her secret garden needed rejuvenation

  • Secret garden?

  • Find a rhyme for vulva. I dare you.

  • And what about the author of this Christmas poem?

  • He's healthy and happy in his beautiful home

  • And while some might argue that he's just a leech

  • It bothers him not, he lives at the beach

  • Happy Holidays from the Happy Harpers!

  • What do you think?

  • You're sad, pathetic, lonely and blue

  • If I gave a rat's ass, I'd worry 'bout you

Why did you mail me a letter?

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